4th Anniversary of Their Conjoined Meltdown

Today, I'm giving myself permission to grieve if I need to.  Today is THE official date that first comes to mind every time I think about "scheduling" grief so it won't consume my life.  Other dates "of significance" are slated, but they don't stand out as THE day.  Today is THE day.
 
Today marks the 4th anniversary of our adoptees' conjoined meltdown. (Which makes 10 years in total that we never knew our adoptive daughter, 6.5 years we never knew our adoptive son.)

Today just happens to also be the day our oldest, who flew down to celebrate our birthdays, is flying home.

I'd marked the calendar to grieve if I wanted to...

Hopping out of bed to drop our sweet daughter at the airport so very early, it was so very easy to grab the simple "mourning" outfit I'd selected so long ago for this "special" date...

Daughter commented how pretty I looked in my easy breezy black floor-length dress.  Pretty wasn't what I was going for, she didn't have to know that.  On the drive in to the airport, daughter, hubby and I talked about today's "anniversary" and hubby and I encouraged her that it's okay to grieve if she needs to... no pressure.  She thought it was weird and preferred to forget the date not remember it.  We explained it was a counselor's suggestion to acknowledge grief, and schedule it so we can readily and really enjoy other dates without grief over taking us. 

Anyway we said a quick goodbye at the airport with awesome hugs and had to hurry home for hubby to start work on time.

Today I'd planned to light my candle if I need to, so far I'm not feeling the need.  I'm probably more tired than anything.  When our daughter is in town late nights and fun running around keeps us a tad sleep deprived.

The fact that August 1 happens to be "National Girlfriends Day" it REALLY helps me feel grateful and encouraged!!!!!  I heard about "National Girlfriends Day" for the very first time yesterday on TV.  I'm so very grateful to have so very many truly beautiful life long friendships!  I'm also so very grateful there is also this on-line blogging sisterhood of parenting RAD that has allowed me to meet, talk with, email, text etc... etc... etc.... so very many awesome women I've met through sharing my experiences in parenting RAD.  These newest "girlfriends" who have also devoted their hearts to welcoming traumatized children into their families, seem to be living our parallel universe.  I'm so very grateful for the friendships that have developed seemingly out of the rubble left behind when RAD attacks.

Today, is earmarked for grief... but I'm not yet feeling it... I've given myself permission to grieve all day if need be, but honestly, right now... I'm more grateful than grief filled.  Each moment that passes it  seems I accept a little more the fact we invited them to be part of our "forever family" but their concept of "family" and forever has been marred courtesy of their birth family and the system that poisoned their minds.  Their experiences long before we ever knew them told them again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again that forever, and family never lasts.

It's not their fault.  It's not ours either.

Peace.

Walls of Protection

I got a text from one of my dearest friends.  I have known him ALL my life.  We grew up together.  Started kindergarten together, graduated high school together... he was one of my hubby's groomsmen at our wedding.  He visited us here just before ETAAM.

"OMG! I'm working now but HAD to tell you!!!!"

This friend has always had more energy than the Energizer Bunny!  He keeps going, and going and going and going.  Most days, he rushes from his day job, to his night job that pays for all the running he does when he's not working.  Oh, if I could bottle that energy!!!   He's my age... so my lack of energy ain't got nothing to do with how old I am.

At his night job, he is a super star.  Shoot, as far as I'm concerned everywhere he goes he's a super star!!!  People adore him!!!!   I feel like I'm a celebrity when I'm with him because we always get a flood of people flocking to us like paparazzi.  

He waits tables at a popular restaurant in my home town.  Simply calling him a "waiter" doesn't seem appropriate... the level of service and care he provides his customers is truly outstanding... which is why so many of the people he serves flock to him when he's out and about... they honestly consider him a friend. 

Well, it turns out he's been training a new guy at work.  This new guy is cracking up as my friend is explaining how to cope with the frustrations the job has.  The new guy says, you're so funny, I can only think of one person as funny as you, my mom... I bet if you met her, you two would be great friends!

Well... turns out new guy has his parents coming in for dinner tonight... turns out it's another of my dearest friends, another member of my hubby's and my wedding party from 30 years ago.  She's one of my dearest friends from back in the day.

She's the gal that back-in-the-day I kept trying to get my other friends to meet, befriend, hang out with, but they'd keep asking what I ever saw in her as a person.

This friend and my friend who texted me were all good friends.  The three of us used to hang out together quite a bit.  They lost touch... despite living so close their busy lives just went in different directions.

The next day my childhood neighbor called to say it was great to see her, she looked like her younger self but older, and much better than he'd expected she might, at our age.  ha ha.

He went on to say he felt dirty, because, yes, she's still very funny, and she made him laugh quite a bit but every thing she was joking about was at someone else's expense. 

I reminded him she was probably really insecure.  I reminded him "how she would get" when she was in a situation where she felt judged.  Her tactics had always been to hurt them before they hurt her.  I never enjoyed being with her in a group setting, but when it was just the three of us... or just the two of us... she was always sincere, and vulnerable and lovely.

He said yes, he had forgotten, but in hindsight the night prior she seemed to vacillate between lovely and obnoxious.  He said there were a couple of times he wanted to say "What are you doing???? Don't you remember?  You KNOW me!  You can trust me!  We're friends!  You're safe here!!!!"

We've got plans for the three of us to get together soon.  I'm looking forward to it.  I'm hoping she'll feel safe enough around us to have her walls down.

(not really adoption related... but I'm aware and saddened our adoptees have many walls, masks, masquerades that protect them... I hope they'll find people with whom they can be real.)