This parenting gig doesn't end. Even when kids you love choose estrangement.
Father's Day I honored Hubbie, my baby-daddy -such a wonderful daddy that he accepted others' children to raise as his own... with the same undying love he has for our biological child. (Not that adopted/bio EVER made any difference... Until Reactive Attachment Disorder RADtypically attacked at the time when age-typical-embarkation to adult life reawakened our adoptees' abandonment issues.)
Nightly my love mentions our children, their children and even their RADtypically triangulated against us "rescuers"... Whomever is currently pretending to be "the awesome parents our adoptees never had" ...unknowingly perpetuating our kids' estrangement as they "rescue" our kids from dangers that never existed (in OUR home).
Aside from us praying nightly for our kids by name... Adoption issues have been a small part of my daily life although thoughts of the kids, prayers for them, flow regularly throughout.
This has been a bigger than normal "adoption issues" week for me. Bumping into adoptive friends I've not seen in almost a year... Calls from friends who call me 'cause ppl who haven't adopted would NEVER understand.
I dreamt of the murdered child's father a few days ago. Googled and found an online presence. Found a "throwback" photo of our adoptees' biomom. I thought... Wow... Same face... She'll probably look just like that when she's middle aged! Then I noticed caption. Wow. Our adoptee is already older than biomom when that photo was taken. Addiction is such a hard life.
My work sends me all over. From time to time I work almost walking distance to the address that consistently shows court history for biomom. I don't think that address is the brothel/crack-den where various sources have said our son was born... But I suppose it's nearby. I honestly don't know. There's this little (big? I have no idea) microcosm of life so foreign to everything I know. A place where their reality is so very different than my own.
I wonder sometimes what keeps adopted daughter away. She's said she's made contact with bio family... I wonder if that's part of it. She's shared her shock at biomom's manipulations which sound like the same manipulations the murdered child would tell me about. There is a reason the children couldn't stay safely in that microcosm. It was never their fault. We always encouraged our adoptees to have loving thoughts about their birthparents. Tried to explain how consuming and distorting addiction can be. We always encouraged if our adoptees choose to explore their biological roots that they be careful... Cause it was during a visit with the family of origin that the oldest was murdered at 18.
Anyway... I wonder from time to time if connecting with birthmom plays some part in our daughter's estrangement. I don't think it should. I've struggled for almost 7 years of estrangement to understand our adoptees thought processes.
As I drove near that neighborhood for work recently, I wondered if our grandchildren have been to their biogranny's house.
I dreamt of our adoptees this week. In the dream (like in real life) our adopted daughter was running around the church people we raised them near, causing strife against us. I dreamt church families were struggling marriages, children, health issues.
In the dream I told our daughter... It's okay... We love you... We've only ever had you and your siblings as our children. Our love is irrevocable. You've had about 19 families before us. Everything you're doing is SO NORMAL for kids who've had beginnings similar to yours! We love you, and allow you to love the ones before us. You might find comfort in the knowledge you are not alone in your experiences. We love you.
In my dream she began sobbing. The church ppl surrounding her became suddenly distracted by their own family, health, relationship issues. I woke up praying health, healing, happiness and Love... for them all.
Father's Day I honored Hubbie, my baby-daddy -such a wonderful daddy that he accepted others' children to raise as his own... with the same undying love he has for our biological child. (Not that adopted/bio EVER made any difference... Until Reactive Attachment Disorder RADtypically attacked at the time when age-typical-embarkation to adult life reawakened our adoptees' abandonment issues.)
Nightly my love mentions our children, their children and even their RADtypically triangulated against us "rescuers"... Whomever is currently pretending to be "the awesome parents our adoptees never had" ...unknowingly perpetuating our kids' estrangement as they "rescue" our kids from dangers that never existed (in OUR home).
Aside from us praying nightly for our kids by name... Adoption issues have been a small part of my daily life although thoughts of the kids, prayers for them, flow regularly throughout.
This has been a bigger than normal "adoption issues" week for me. Bumping into adoptive friends I've not seen in almost a year... Calls from friends who call me 'cause ppl who haven't adopted would NEVER understand.
I dreamt of the murdered child's father a few days ago. Googled and found an online presence. Found a "throwback" photo of our adoptees' biomom. I thought... Wow... Same face... She'll probably look just like that when she's middle aged! Then I noticed caption. Wow. Our adoptee is already older than biomom when that photo was taken. Addiction is such a hard life.
My work sends me all over. From time to time I work almost walking distance to the address that consistently shows court history for biomom. I don't think that address is the brothel/crack-den where various sources have said our son was born... But I suppose it's nearby. I honestly don't know. There's this little (big? I have no idea) microcosm of life so foreign to everything I know. A place where their reality is so very different than my own.
I wonder sometimes what keeps adopted daughter away. She's said she's made contact with bio family... I wonder if that's part of it. She's shared her shock at biomom's manipulations which sound like the same manipulations the murdered child would tell me about. There is a reason the children couldn't stay safely in that microcosm. It was never their fault. We always encouraged our adoptees to have loving thoughts about their birthparents. Tried to explain how consuming and distorting addiction can be. We always encouraged if our adoptees choose to explore their biological roots that they be careful... Cause it was during a visit with the family of origin that the oldest was murdered at 18.
Anyway... I wonder from time to time if connecting with birthmom plays some part in our daughter's estrangement. I don't think it should. I've struggled for almost 7 years of estrangement to understand our adoptees thought processes.
As I drove near that neighborhood for work recently, I wondered if our grandchildren have been to their biogranny's house.
I dreamt of our adoptees this week. In the dream (like in real life) our adopted daughter was running around the church people we raised them near, causing strife against us. I dreamt church families were struggling marriages, children, health issues.
In the dream I told our daughter... It's okay... We love you... We've only ever had you and your siblings as our children. Our love is irrevocable. You've had about 19 families before us. Everything you're doing is SO NORMAL for kids who've had beginnings similar to yours! We love you, and allow you to love the ones before us. You might find comfort in the knowledge you are not alone in your experiences. We love you.
In my dream she began sobbing. The church ppl surrounding her became suddenly distracted by their own family, health, relationship issues. I woke up praying health, healing, happiness and Love... for them all.
