Young Love... And Parental Manipulation

At 21 years of age...
Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee was "rescued" from us into the home of a manipulative woman who about a year prior admittedly planned from her inner-circle which young women  WOULD marry EACH  of her sons.

While RAD was starting on the brink of exploding... Before we had any inkling of what RAD would do next... That woman openly shared with me her secret plans for our youngest daughter to marry her youngest son. I firmly and kindly responded I thought it would be wonderful to allow our kids to make their own decisions about marriage.

Not yet understanding RAD, but knowing our adoptee well,  I never shared this woman's confessions along-those-lines with our daughter because although I didn't yet have the terminology to articulate behaviors we'd seen in our "officially diagnosed" adoptee,  we understood the concept that the cause and effect reasoning part of her brain had consistently shown evidence of not fully operating.

RAD doesn't make kids stupid...

 Our daughter is quite smart actually.  

She entered college at age 14. 

Was one B short of 4.0.  

She's smart and cute.

She used to easily memorize and regurgitate facts.

"BLUE is the answer! 

The answer is BLUE!     

What is the answer?????"

"..... Ummmm..... blue?"

"YES! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   

In accordance with her illness...

  Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee always had trouble processing the MEANING of information.

It's not at all that she'd NEVER "get it"...

just most times she'll have data...

and assume illogical meanings when asked to process information.   

Not her fault.  

Just one of the nuances of a young brain exposed to early trauma.

I didn't want to risk for a minute that our daughter would misinterpret the woman who would eventually become her "savior mommy"'s aspirations as plans she should pursue.    

Our daughter never for one minute expressed romantic interest in "savior mommy's" baby boy.

I recently had the opportunity to ask a few questions to another mom on the brink of "saving" a sweet young girl (in the system, not her fault) from the latest parents...

...A young girl this woman hopes will "someday" marry her son.

Some of the questions I asked this potential "savior mommy" to consider...   

1) Do you think it may be possible that this sweet beautiful young girl you want to save, and hope will marry your son may be behaving quite differently with you in your home than she does in the home that is establishing boundaries for safety and has the responsibility of keeping her safe?

2) What if you've contracted to become guardian and things don't work out romantically between her and the child you hope she'll marry?

3) Is it possible, once your role in her life changes,  this teen may eventually give you the same challenges she's presenting to her current caregivers?

4) Is there a way you can be supportive of this girl, AND her current caregivers, while encouraging this girl to be taking her own steps as a young teen toward responsible adulthood (for example resume attending HS, get a job... Etc.) while encouraging her to be so much less a teenage "victim" who needs to marry your child so she can be rescued her from this unfair life of living with adult caregivers whose reasonable rules at times don't facilitate these young lovers from living the  romantic wonderland they feel entitled to... to the fullest?

5)  Don't you want your child to be married to someone because they really love each other, not because one was in a bad situation and needed to be rescued?

6) Are you aware kids who bounce around the system make false allegations?

7) It's entirely possible the young lovers are sexually active... What repercussion might there be if you take her in as a her legal guardian and don't prevent your legally-adult child from engaging with this minor sexually in your home?    
 
8) Does your career allow you to earn money while officials investigate any strife she might cause against you as her new and improved caregiver who might try to establish rules and limits within your family's home that she as a young teen might naturally object to?

9) Wouldn't it be best to love, appreciate and hope for your "future daughter-in-law" while continuing to encourage the young-in-love couple  to work diligently towards achieving milestones of independent adult responsibilities to help establish their "true-love" on the strongest possible foundation for their "happily ever after?"

Ack.

I do want to confirm.... I told this parent, many times throughout our conversations I AM honestly a believer in young love.  Just one week after turning 20, I married the boy I had taken to prom a few years prior.

We're still head-over-heels in love...

Just with my recent experiences... involving "system kids"... 

(Oh how I hate to assert there is a "system-kid" mentality!!!!!!!!!!!!  

...If only our experiences would have kept us blissfully ignorant!)

....So many aspects of all this woman  shared of her child's romance and her own desire to save his  beloved has me so-very concerned...

Turns out their family opted to not take on guardianship... For now. 

How Many Parents Will the Grandkids Have?

I appears the plight of the Attachment Disordered child who has had many sets of parents in their young life is there is often a cycle that repeats itself in future generations when healing halts regresses or fails . 

I may have previously shared my philosophy that performing offensive actions we have failed to forgive may just be part of a Divine plan to ultimately promote forgiveness.  

Forgiveness is essential. 

Allowing the offended the opportunity to experience things from the perspective of the offender grants us insights that might have otherwise gone unseen.  It seems to me the less we understand the harder it might be to extend forgiveness... The more perspective we gain helps us to more readily excuse less than stellar actions from others that have in-likeness hurt us. 

"Officially dx'd RAD" adoptee had been on again off again with a guy whose kid is our young granddaughter's age.  As both girls were learning to talk, each kid would (out of respect?) call the other's parent "mom" or "dad." 

Grandbaby-daddy makes kids he won't support with whomever will participate.  RAD thinking's solution is support baby-daddy (who won't work on the books because then other baby mommas might make their claim against his money). Our daughter puts her child in his "care" so she can earn money "on the books" while he openly beds down with whomever is willing in front of the child.  Our daughter had expressed concern if "something happens" while Ho of the moment is drugging, our daughter may lose custody of that child because she ultimately keeps endangering the child by leaving her in such dangerous circumstances.  RAD thinking justifies this endangerment because keeping reckless baby daddy actively involved in the child's life will keep her daughter from  experiencing the heartaches our daughter herself experienced as a child who eventually ended up with us as her 19th set of parents at age six... 

Right?   

One of the most consistent evidences of how RAD has affected our daughter for as long as we've known her is poor cause-and-effect reasoning skills.

It's not that she never "gets it" usually she will... eventually... 

Her counselor would frequently express how imperative it is that for our daughter's mental health we allow her to experience "natural consequences" of her poor choices.  It will help heal her brain. 

It's hard to sit by allowing our adopted children to hurt their own children the way their parents hurt them.  

I titled this post with a question I ponder...

How many parents will our grandchildren have?  

I know a huge part of our adoptees psychological  issues is the fact they have had so many mommies and daddies before us...

I know baby daddy is a womanizer.  Ugh.  Women can be such suckers for a man with a baby!  I'd not be surprised for a moment if playa-baby-daddy woos whomever he's currently "entertaining" by having our grandchild call each next gullible woman "mommy."

I'm willing to bet our daughter might be a little more discretionary in whom she encourages her daughter to call daddy...  What her standard for how many days or what milestones  must pass before each boyfriend becomes the next "daddy" I honestly don't know... 

Point is I'd not be surprised if our granddaughter, like her mother, will by adulthood, have many "daddies and mommies" as mom follows attachment disorder's path through numerous relationships.   Oh how we pray that would not be the case!

I also wonder how our grandchildren raised by those inflicted with Attachment Disorder will define their "real" family as they enter adulthood having entertained their bio-parents' assorted romantic interests and assorted parental substitutes each as additional mommies and daddies.  

So much to cover in prayer. Ahhh the privilege of "really" being mom and dad!

Hubby and I continue to pray our adoptees will take the difficult steps to find healing, stop manipulating, and allow themselves to experience truly loving relationships for their own sakes and for the sake of their children.

Dancing into the Sunset

Ha ha!

This year one of my hubby's birthday gifts to me was the promise to enroll us as a couple in the community's Senior Citizen center.  His (older, but I'm catching up for sure) age allowed us to join as a couple.  I've got a pal whose been eager for me to "qualify" so we can do fun things together there like ping-pong... and I've been eager to join the arts classes they offer.

Together and happy together,  my husband and I are entering this silvery season of life... I laugh because we keep advancing in maturity...  we are dancing together into the Sunset.

I tell friends I'm looking for the brakes... I don't want to get off the ride, I'd just like to "slow my roll."  Ha ha!

As I read through this blog I'm often disappointed by how poorly my adoption related writing reflects the joys relating to our "reality" of day-to-day life most days.

I'd started, but never much felt "inspired" to blog in my non-adoption blog.  The way I see it is when I talk anything but adoption seemingly the whole world "gets it."  My need to share that joyous part of our lives is satiated. 

As you who know... know, we get to share the happy realities of everything with all our friends and family... I simply don't have much need to express further my daily life... and to feel heard... and understood.

And you who know... know, so many JUST DON'T GET the typical complications of  adopting Attachment Disordered individuals.  This blog is where I feel the need to relate with you who really "get it."  I appreciate you!  I cherish you!!!  You are a bigger gift to us than you can even imagine!!!!

In all other aspects of life...
My dear hubby and I are dancing into our sunsetting years and we are having fun!!!! 

 

LOVE this gif!!!  Not sure who to credit!!!!

I'd like to take a moment to encourage our fellow adoptive parents especially the ones who are where we were 20 years ago early in the adoptive way of life...

...PLEASE....

...be careful not to burn the sacrifice of your relationship with the one you're supposed to dance off into the sunset with as you pour yourselves out to extinction on the "altar of finding healing" for the child(ren) who through no fault of their own... and through no fault of ours have issues that they will most likely struggle with their whole lives.  

Oh how I continue to pray

  "healed hallelujah!!!"

would be the next plot twist 

for our adoptees' 

complicated lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd like take a moment during this typically busy holiday season to encourage all adoptive parents to take note from airline safety protocol... make sure you're obtaining and maintaining The Oxygen your marital relationship needs to survive!  Commit to making sure your relationship's needs are securely in-place every-step-of-the-way as you try to help those who are yet unable to care for themselves.  

Most of our kids are supposed to grow up and embark on their adult lives... 

...helping them as best as we are able is a fine and noble high calling... 

...just PLEASE

don't loose perspective 

of your happily-ever-after.   

We, the parents 

who have blessed,

and been blessed by

these children 

who were not conceived by us... 

raising them in our families... 

in our homes...

...are supposed to enjoy life in our nest together with the our spouse long after our children have flown to the extent they are capable.  

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May the peace of Christ fill your hearts and your homes!  

20 Years Later Social Experiement 1995

Wow... 20 years of adoption.

Update.... SHE's BAAAACK....

Our 5.5 years estranged daughter began dating a man who ALSO has a one year old daughter, just like the grandchild we'd never met... sooo cool right???

Well, it turned out he attends our church... and our adopted daughter being the girl who wears masks to please whomever she's with, texted us mid-service asking if we'd like to meet our grandchild.

Our daughter was somewhere in our mega-congregation looking right at us.

yay.


About 10 months ago we'd gotten to meet our adopted daughter's daughter... she's cute like her momma. 

Since then, we've gotten together with our daughter about a handful times, had the privilege of treating a couple meals for our daughter and her daughter and her (then) boyfriend... and his daughter... and his daughter's half brother that is not his son.  Many meals we've sat politely smiling through her jabs, about our "abusive" writing assignments that has helped her to ultimately do quite well in her chosen profession... while the boyfriend defended our (awesome) parenting techniques.

We're grateful for progress... most days.

About 10 months have gone by since the "first" meeting... It is quite evident that RAD continues...

Adopted-daughter's-daughter's 2nd birthday happened... without us.  I wonder how old she will be when/if we get to celebrate her first birthday with us?

Turns out adopted-daugther now hates "the savior mommy" who initially "rescued" her from us almost six years ago.... and has in the interim selected yet another "new-mommy" and "new-daddy"

Not long ago they just buried the "new-daddy" our Adopted-daughter's-daughter's "pop-pop." 

My husband's heart aches... "Pop-pop" is his title for 'OUR GRANDKIDS"... Yet it's emblazoned all over social media "in memory" of our adopted daughter's drinking buddy's "Danny" (the drinking buddy's step-dad... poor guy... the female child he "daddy"'d never would call him "Dad.")  Who knows what our adopted-daughter called him... but as evidenced through social media crapola ...the recently-deceased-"Danny" got to know the joys of grandfather-hood via our adopted-daughter's-daughter.I understand why "that family" is so attractive to our adopted daughter... familiarity.  That "new mommy" herself I'm told lost her privilege of raising her own daughter (our daughter's drinking buddy).  Around the time we met that family when the girl was about 13 she had just been returned to "mother's care" under close supervision by the grandparents who seemed to frequently threaten to take the kid back. 

Adopted-daughter is doing well in her profession... She promised to let us know when she finds out about date for awards dinner... well... guess who is featured in "of the year" awards photos... her New-mommy number 21... (let's see... if I at adoption was "mommy number 19"... that would make her 21... and counting probably... right?) 

Oh yeah, but wait...  Hubby and I REALLY ARE mommy and daddy according to "The Forever Family Social Experiment" documents... right?????

We're real mommy and daddy?

Or is bio-mommy and bio-daddies?

How about all the the 17 foster/failed adoption placements before us... how real are they???  

Hubby and I keep consoling ourselves with 

"This isn't personal, it's not her fault, but it's not ours either."

We've found ALL we've been experiencing is SO VERY COMMON to adult adoptees who also have our adopted daughter's diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder.

So... for the past 20 years our family has been unwittingly part of a social experiment...

I had never needed to signify our adopted daughter as our "adopted daughter" until as an adult she began crying abuse and "playing baby" to whomever would take her in after us.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of this social experiment.

20 years ago the social worker explained to us "It used to be rare circumstances would lead to involuntary termination of parental rights, but we've found these kids get raised in the foster system only to return to and perpetuate their parent's dysfunction.  Nowadays they TPR so the kids can have a chance for a different life than their family of origin could provide."

Well, they have a different life... kinda almost... both our RADs are serving in honorable professions... yay.  Mission accomplished????

On this side of it... 20 years in... I seriously question the ethics of adopting children whose parents are still living.

I don't question giving kids a safe home where they can be nurtured and grow... but I think for our adoptees... Foster could do... should do.

I think it is unethical for agencies to promote the lies of "forever family" to generous kind hearted families that have good lives and want to share their family and all it's blessings with underprivileged poorly-parented children who come from horrendously dangerous environments.

Did "our" adopted kids need a safer environment than they started out with????   Absolutely!!!!!!!!

Did they each need to have their three quite different last names changed to their bio-mom's last name as "the system" yanked them from the very-different homes they had lived in, so at TPR they could be promoted and ultimately placed as a "sibling group for adoption" under the lies of "The Forever Family Social Experiment"???? 

Absolutely not.

I'm happy/proud that our adopted daughter is being honored in her profession...

I'd still be proud, it would bother me so much less had she "just" been a foster child for all the crap she throws, that follows the pattern SO MANY adopted adults who have started with numerous caregivers... in foster-systems/orphanages.

It would bother me so much less for all the crap that has happened... and for all the crap that appears to continue to flow.

Excuse me... I feel nauseous.  

Proverbs 13:12Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Beautiful Orlando Moms

This past weekend I got to see the most beautiful moms in all the world as they gathered to support and encourage each other in their experiences parenting traumatized children.

Oh these weekends make my heart sing!!!!

Many Have Traveled This Path Long Before Me

Hubby and I were enjoying an anniversary cruise to exotic locations.  Dinners were at a set time with the same delightful couples.  Breakfasts and lunches were "open seating."

During a delightful lunchtime "chance" seating... Dear Hubby and I joined two other couples.  One couple was chronologically about 10 years behind us... and the other couple about 30 years ahead of us.  The older couple started to say how they were celebrating an anniversary that actually occurred the month prior, but preferred to celebrate it while children were in school.  They said September is a great time to sail, because most kids are in school... except homeschoolers!

I laughed and agreed, then confessed we were one of those "homeschool families."

I started to say something along the lines of "when we found out what they were and weren't teaching in school... we pulled them out..."  But stopped myself mid sentence because while that is why many choose to homeschool, it was not why we homeschooled.

Darn!  I didn't want to talk kids... talk RAD... again.  Not here, not now... not in the middle of this gorgeous dining room, on this gorgeous day with delightful people cruising in the middle of the sparkling cerulean sea.  When will the pain of this journey of adoption be over?

I corrected myself and said, "actually..." years ago we adopted a special needs sibling group who were very troubled.  Our daughter had 17 families before us when we got her at almost 6 years old.  Homeschooling helped her... tremendously... but sadly the process of becoming an adult reawakened many of her and her half biological brother's abandonment issues.  They've been estranged from us for 4 years now...it's heartbreaking... "but what can anyone do, except pray for the best for them"

The older gentleman to my right said... I know exactly what you're talking about.  He patted my arm and assured me that me and my husband gave our kids what they needed... and that is what is important.

He shared how he and his wife had five beautiful girls when a commercial on tv encouraged viewers to become foster parents because there was such a tremendous need.   The couple made a call and became foster parents to a young baby.... had him for 2.5-3 years and were able to adopt him.  This man kept talking about his youngest daughter (in past tense form) and shaking his head... and referring to the fact that of his six kids, he and his wife only had three "remaining"... (he didn't specify... and seemed like he felt he was already talking too much about it... but it sounded like at least one of his kids had been "lost" through estrangement... like there was a grave price for the biokids to pay because the adopted child required so much of their time and energy and attention, he kept inferring that his biological children suffered... greatly.)

As this adoption veteran, who served so many years before us, was patting my arm and consoling me... he seemed to take comfort in his own words...

We've given these destitute kids what they needed when they were small.
That is what is important...
...and it hasn't gone unnoticed. 

Family Matters... Genetics Matter

There are times where I'm so happy for me, and simultaneously sad for not only our adoptees, but all adoptees... and "step" kids.  This is one of those times.  Doors are opening leading to some interesting  reconnections with my extended family members.  Such cool opportunities, but exactly the kind of thing if our adoptees were still in the picture, I might have tiptoed away from... to have spared their hurt feelings.

In various situations I've observed how the "really-related, but not quite really really" whether step or adopted relate to the non-bloodline relatives.  I've never seen, nor heard anyone but the "steps" hesitantly and awkwardly discuss the "really-related, but not quite really really" thing.  There always seems to be so much pain for the child who is "really-related, but not quite really really" no matter how much everyone around them insists they REALLY are part of the family.  Having read Nancy Verrier's Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up I was especially interested in her discussion of the importance and impact a lack of genetic mirroring causes in adopted individuals. 

It is so politically incorrect in adoption circles to talk about genetic significance... As adoptive parents we want the world to sing to our children that they BELONG in our family... and they are loved.  We want to protect our kids from the slightest whisper that they might not really be a part of our family.

I believe Genetic significance is an issue that boldly presents itself in every non-bio adoption... whether we pretend it's invisible or not... and NEEDS to be discussed for our kids optimal health.  It seems pretending genetic significance is unimportant only assists our adoptees in lingering in other unhealthy worlds of make-believe.  Genetics matter.  Family history matters.  Not discussing genetic significance early and often as a matter of fact, loving manner betrays our children as much as the mirror betrays their fit in our families every time they look at us, and look at themselves in a mirror.  Getting everyone talking about it... not pretending differences don't exist... not hush hushing and getting offended when the subject comes up helps us all keep our kids rooted in love and truth. 

I believe our kids' lack of genetic mirroring plays a big part in what pushes them on their quest to reject us and define and create a place where they feel they belong... where they "really feel" they are part of a family.  

Currently I'm thrilled to have extended family connections being made overseas... and it is a happy kind of excited time for me!  

Can anyone relate to my excitement of unearthing extended family information? 

As happy as I am for me... I do get a bit sad for our adoptees.  I hope some day they can find things that are cool and awesome and like them in their genetic line... that they can see themselves mirrored genetically if not in the generations that have preceded them, in the generations that follow them. 


Last Fall, my cousin's wife shared with me photos of my paternal grandparents.  Her mother-in-law had them in their belongings before she passed away.  These beautiful wonderful women... related to me "only" through marriage (and A LOT of love!!!!) have preserved tidbits of my genetic history I'd never seen before!!!!

I get a kick out of looking into those photos to see which of the relatives I know looks like which grand parent.  I'm curious if anyone might say they see a bit of me in their eyes, or nose or cheeks or hair or height or personality.  Genetics matter.

Certainly the best pedigree does not influence an iota of what any person accomplishes with the talents and means that life presents them with... having great talent, or wealth in no way makes a person prosperous nor grand.  We are each largely responsible for the person we use the talents and treasures bestowed upon us to become.

Genetics are not of paramount importance... but they do matter. 

The Best Husband in the World and I have future plans visit a place where I've heard my genetic family has culturally made quite an impact.  I'm definitely more excited than hubby about that part of our trip, because it's MY side of the family.  Hubby is still interested... just not as interested as I am.   Because through marriage he is "really-related, but not quite really really."

I'm not so much interested to see that side of the family's wealth, nor the dollar value of their contributions... I'm interested to see if I look carefully enough will see a bit of my grandfather in historic photos of that nation's benefactor.  I'm hoping to speak with people who knew and remember the benevolent distant relative because I hope to compare and contrast nuances I've seen along that family line... specifically both sharp wit and sparkling personalities.

On "the other side" of my family there is rumored within the family to have been a "family" castle that was "passed down" but at some point within the last 40? years abandoned because government taxes were too much of a burden for the one who had inherited it to have maintained the property.  Amongst my cousins there has been a very weak rally of "We should look into reclaiming" the abandoned inheritance.  Yeah, we're all a bit busy for that kind of treasure hunt... but it is fun to imagine what might be "ours."

My point is... When it comes to family... there are things that CAN BE INHERITED...

Family Matters... Genetics matter.

Of our children... one has the genetic disposition of not being born to alcoholic, drug addicts.  That one has a distinctly advantageous genetic make up.  It wasn't her choice... it wasn't ours, it's simply genetics.  Oh, if we could have selected genetic make up, for our kids we would have certainly selected all our children would get our adopted son's "easily athletic" genes that  our adopted daughter's the "doesn't catch colds" genes and our bio kid's "not mentally ill" genes.

There are "genetic line" things I would love to have saved our biokid from... mostly I would love to save her from the diabetic predisposition that runs on both bio sides of her family.  She's not diabetic yet, thank God... She works hard to keep it at bay.  The truth remains but she is predisposed through the genes both my parents passed to me, and my husband's parents passed to him, through the genes we passed to our bio daughter.

Oh what I would do to preserve our adoptees from the genetic predisposition to alcoholic/addictive lifestyles!!!  ...To my knowledge neither of our adoptees are acloholic/drug addicted yet, however, I do know their genetic history, and as likely our bio MAY develop diabetes, the bio-children-of-addicts whom we adopted MAY develop various addictions like their bio parents.

Sadly I see traits of a genetic syndrome that includes diabetes in our bio child...

And sadly I see traits of addictive personalities in our adoptees...

The video below was featured on aol today... because the teaser mentioned many things I'd read related to RAD and the fact the video was only about six minutes total I tuned in.  I know some who are parenting RAD diagnosed children deal with realities much harsher than we have experienced with our kids.  Mr Fallon discusses genetic predisposition, exposure to violence at certain times of development, and biology/chemistry of the human brain as all being contributing factors.

At around marker 4:03 Mr. Fallon tells how his Mom shares his "interesting" and violent family history.

For now, let's all hope for the best in all we've passed on to our children through the environments of our loving homes.

It's nice to know if an inherited old castle becomes too burdensome we can hope to abandon it... It would be nice if we could likewise  abandon the other burdensome things we inherit through family matters... genetic matters.
Around 4:03 in This TED Video, Jim Fallon talks about an interesting genetic fact regarding his family

Amazed

I am amazed how God keeps on putting people in my life who can relate to the life experiences parenting RAD diagnosed children has brought into our lives.

I'm not grateful others have lived/are living our parallel universe... I'm grateful we can talk or even share a "knowing" wordless look and communicate volumes of "you are not alone!"

The Birthday Call

So, on hubby's birthday, our loving attached and healthy-through-no-fault-of-her-own was on the phone wishing The Best Daddy in the World a Happy Birthday, before she flies in to see us... and his cell phone rings.

When mentally ill-through-no-fault-of-their-own adult children are estranged... phone calls, texts, emails, mailboxes are the places you hope they'll one-day-some-day-especially-on-special-days send a little love.

Hubby excuses himself from our devoted daughter's call and hands her over to me... and I overhear... on his cellphone half a conversation full of... awkwardness.... I'm finding it hard to attend to the delightfully-attentive child... well because... it's another day of significance... and there's a call... and it's awkward.

I promise our darling that I love her, will call her back, am eager to see her when she'll fly in later the same day... "bye sweetie!"

I had to know what was going on... who was on the phone????????  What had rustled my sweet love on his birthday????

Well... sweet little officer RAD sick-and-spiraling-downward-through-no-fault-of-her-own can't pay her student loans... (that we've cosigned....away from school... and she's postponed and compounded her student debt since....)the bank wants to know how they can get a hold of her.

Nothing says "I'm thinking of you on your birthday, I'm grateful for you, I'm glad you're my Dad" like having your RADchild's delinquent student loan collections rep calling to find if we've got "better" contact with her than they do.

I really have the best husband in the world.  He is a prince! He's loving, and generous and selfless, and devoted. And sooooooo very forgiving of the pain they continue to inflict.  Despite how the crap continues to fly, he prays diligently for all our kids, and our estranged-through-no-fault-of-her-own grandchild we've never met... yet... he prays for us all... morning, noon and night.
 

The Heat

Hubby and I enjoyed a date night dinner and a movie.  I love to laugh and enjoy a good comedy.

We went to The Heat featuring Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock.  We laughed. A lot.

I hesitantly recommend it because it is a BIG time potty mouth film.  Definitely not for the kids.  If cuss words offend you, don't go.

Potty mouth doesn't offend me, I choose not to use it, but I'm not usually offended by people who feel they need to express themselves using it. (Explained in more detail here)

I don't want to spoil movie for anyone interested to see it so if you're planning to go and don't want a sneak peek at the story line now's your time to go and read a different great blog post... Info below is not a major spoiler... read on if you dare.  ha ha
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Turns out part of the theme of the movie is how Miss Perfect Officer on the outside (can't maintain a single personal relationship anywhere) is so messed up because of all the bouncing around she did as a kid in the foster system.

The very real references that being bounced around from house to house to house to house has on a kid... who grows into an adult IS very real... and not funny to anyone who experiences the veritable pain. 

I figure this is a film our very own estranged Officer RAD may eventually see.  I'm hoping if she does, the humor of this film will reinforce to her that it is NORMAL for kids who have grown up having so many "families" after birth family to grow up to have difficulty in their adult relationships.

Everywhere I go... I continue to look for, hope for, pray for opportunities for our RAD affected adoptees to be pointed towards and encouraged to walk along paths of health and healing.  

Most Days

"O Master grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul."

                                    Prayer of St. Francis 

Most days, that continues to be my prayer.

                                                     Some moments in the midst of the hardest days I regret having prayed it.

 

RAD on TV

Ha ha ha,

I saw this commercial for Daisy Sour Cream, and in it parents are visiting another family, and the mom asks, "What's our son doing in the Bennet family portrait?"

"What's our Son Doing in the Bennet Family portrait?"

Without missing a beat I said "He's got RAD!"

Hubby and I laughed hard.

Gee if only we had known it was the sour cream!

Hope you are all well!!!

Hubby Continues to Find Support in Awesome Places

Hubby signed up for a study of Pastor Tony Evan's book, Kingdom Man.

 First week was introduction where the men each shared a little bit about who they are.  Uncharacteristically, during introductions, hubby mentioned he currently struggles with troubles brought into our lives courtesy our adult adoptees, their behaviors as young adults exactly matching the symptoms list of the mental illness diagnosed years earlier when they were first placed with us.  That same night, after that first meeting, an "elderly gentleman" in his 70's quietly said he needed to talk... it turns out he is also an adoptive father, 20 years ahead of our experience, and now grandfather to many of his adopted daughter's multiple children, by many different men.

Hubby came home encouraged.   He is not alone in this journey.

Week after week Hubby was eager to "do his homework" for the class... loving the contents of the book, and the fellowship among men who were studying this book with him.

Several, quiet conversations afterwards with the more experienced adoptive father were definitely a bonus.

Fast forward to the last class... where this group of men who had been coming together to share their experiences, their hopes and struggles in walking out Kingdom values as men in our culture, time to say goodbye.

Hubby has a "ministry" not for profit, not for tax deduction, it's something he's good at,  enjoys doing that benefits others... and he offers his services to whomever could be blessed by computer repair.  His "day job" pays way more than his repair work ever could... but he loves to have his hands in electronics troubleshooting and repairing.  We decided long ago "charging" for services to earn a profit robbed the family of time, because his "overtime" computer repair work earned far less than minimum wage... and he was doing it more as a hobby.  It became obvious that the average person who needs computer repairs finds the repairs to be quite expensive... and would be blessed if hubby "donated" his services tinkering to repair their computers.  The joys associated with working to serve the Lord is worth so much more than any money hubby might earn from dedicating the bulk of his time off towards tinkering on his financially unprofitable passion. 

At the last class, when the men were saying goodbye to the other men they had bared their hearts to regarding life... my hubby described his "ministry" and passed out a business card with his full name and contact info on it.

One man came up to him... and apologized. 

Outside of this class, my husband didn't know this man... at all.

Outside this class, this man knew OF my husband, but didn't know until he saw the name... my husband was a man he'd heard MUCH about. 

You see... this man was a neighbor to our adult-daughter's "rescue mommy" ... this man worked at a "christian" business with our adult RAD. 

This man couldn't figure out why our daughter, an adult, lived with a senior citizen couple that was not her own parents.

When he asked what was up with the very strange living arrangements... our daughter gave him ears full... of RAD garbage.

He spent endless hours trying to "counsel" our daughter how to handle her "plight"... to the point his wife was wondering if our daughter was "the other woman."

Before this class... this man had no idea who my husband was... but through this class... as the men shared the burdens of their heart to serve God honorably in all they do... this man got to really know my husband.

This man saw the card, saw my husbands full name, and immediately identified "the stories" as stories about my husband.  This man apologized, profusely for his involvement in our family.  He apologized for being so easily duped.

He apologized.  From out of nowhere.  We weren't even aware he'd "meddled" at all... we didn't even know he existed.  We're grateful truth was revealed to his heart.  We're grateful he stepped forward to make things right.

We continue to pray for all who have been duped into believing the lies, manipulations, and triangulations of Reactive Attachment Disorder.  We pray they'd be convicted of their wrongs, and heartfully sorry, not condemned forever for their unwitting evils... see... he... like most involved... really believed he was helping... until truth was revealed.

Lord have mercy!

Don't Let Grief Steal Your Days

Today is a day of significance for our family... courtesy of adoption... and so today, for a little while... I'm allowing myself to grieve what Reactive Attachment Disorder continues to steal, from our adopted kids, and our family.

It is fast approaching 4 years after our adoptees' RADtypical meltdown and attack against us.  This year our "Adoption Day" anniversary had passed more than a month before I realized it had come, and gone.   I kind of consider that progress.  I kind of am surprised.  I had always treasured that date... the date of the beginning of our dreams come true.  That date, after RAD attacked, became a source of pain... and this year, it passed without anticipation, or remembrance.  It just passed...  We were busy, and having fun... and honestly didn't notice.  It wasn't an active effort to try and forget the date... I actually intended to honor that date.  It simply passed, unnoticed.

Quite a while ago, Hubby and I had a counselor suggest we schedule dates and times to grieve, so our adoption grief could be honored and expressed without robbing us of the pleasures available to us in every day life.

I was very surprised when my first "appointed day" for grieving arrived and I didn't "feel like" mourning... I was having too much fun.  Our counselor explained that was the point... "If the day arrives, and you don't feel like grieving, you don't have to..."  It seemed like her point was to not let grief steal our days.


Back when "scheduled grief" was prescribed... I giggled (a lot) as I envisioned how I might grieve who our living children had become.  I imagined myself dressed in black with a shawl and a hankie... mourning.

The days where overwhelming sadness would flatten me, I'd tell myself, this isn't the day nor time to mourn, but I will, at the appropriate time... then I'd begin imagining what that would look like... and start giggling again.

During my planning grief gigglefests decided I'd someday "light a candle" when the time to grieve arose.  I was raised in a denomination where one could put coins in a box and pay to "light a candle" for prayer intentions.  I remember my mom tearfully lighting candles for her prayer intentions, as we'd visit older churches that still had the red-glass votives.  As I got older, the candles became electric push button and the price to ignite was listed in dollars... I'd always found the concept that a paid candle would pray for me to be a bit weird, but when I envisioned what grief should look like... those candles were part of  the picture... even though they make me giggle.  

That same year for Christmas I got an OLD brass and red glass votive from a friend who had a knack for finding treasures and glitzing them up to make holiday gifts for friends who are dear to her.  Perfect!!!  Not perfect for my decorating style... not even my holiday decorating... but perfect as my grief candle.  I removed the holiday embellishments and set it up for our kids. 

I've placed the candle on my front entry table as a reminder when grief comes, there is a time to grieve, and when the time comes I'll do so... if I feel like it.  And I smile.

Today is the anniversary of a day of significance regarding our adoption... a formerly celebratory day, but a day I'd set to grieve if need be.  Today grief fits, not for the full day... It's a day my hubby and I have decided to celebrate with or without our beloved adoptees.

... And we WILL celebrate today...

                       but for this morning... 

for this mourning... 

I've lit a candle.

ETAAM the Transformation of Orlando

I am so very eager for this year's transformation of Orlando!!!

I cannot wait to see the amazing mommas who will return to Orlando (or attend for the first time) to receive support from moms who "get" what parenting Attachment Disordered children can be like.

Regular life is so busy... and my "regular life" brings me to Orlando quite frequently. 

Yes... Orlando IS beautiful... BUT...

Orlando is never as beautiful as it is when it is hosting women (mostly adoptive moms) from all over the United States and Canada who KNOW what it is to give all you have and then some to children who experienced traumas no one should endure... what comfort in knowing we are not alone in our experiences!!!!

TV Adoption Storylines

Last night NBC's "Parenthood" storyline had the troubled (not his fault) adopted child call 911 to make false allegations of abuse against his adoptive parents.

Knowing how this plays out in real life for our family... and other adoptive families... TV made it neat and clean and wrapped it up nicely before the hour was up...

Regardless... I'm grateful the topic is covered.

As I've been pondering today how to address last night's show on my blog... what to write, how to say it, a few things popped into my mind about TV adoption storylines...

They don't really address the "honeymoon period" of a newly placed child...

but I get it... tv is not real life... it can't possibly capture and accurately portray in an hour what takes a lifetime to live.  I'm still so grateful the topic is covered.

I also pondered that you don't often see "ongoing" adoption "issues"  in media portrayals of adoption.  I wonder if that is partially our fault as adoptive parents...  yes, adoption REALLY makes kids REALLY a part of our families.  YES, adoption makes our family REALLY OUR FAMILY.

But I'm finding... there ARE "adoption issues" ... lifelong it seems... adoption issues.  It makes sense to talk about it, write about it, inform people about it.  The subject seems to be quite taboo. 

Today I wonder if we, adoptive parents, who keep on insisting that adoption is natural, and good, and a REAL way to build a family stifles the "political correctness" of addressing the reality of REAL LIFE-LONG "adoption issues."  

I do believe that adoption is natural, and good, and a real way to build a family... but there ARE adoption issues... life long adoption issues... and perhaps once upon a time I was offended that anyone might infer there are differences in the experience of families that have children born into it and families that have children adopted into it. 

I can't help but wonder if our "taboo" mentality figures "Maybe if we keep on insisting that pointing out, noticing, discussing common life-long issues regarding adoption is offensive 'the issues' will go away ?"

Meanwhile... today... however inaccurate, or slightly skewed from our reality... I'm so very grateful that adoption issues are better addressed in entertainment media today than the adoption stories of yester-year where after the child finds the family they need to love them they all live "happily ever after". 

I'm grateful the ability to talk about "adoption issues" is taking bolder and bolder steps out of the shame-filled shadows of not being politically correct.

I feel the need to mention, I am still hoping for our family's adoption "happily ever after."

They Know... Struggle to Understand the Motive; Yet They Themselves Also Inflict the Pain of Abandonment

I was talking with one of my awesome Adoptive Mom friends... She also knows the "I love you" but won't see you phenomenon of the adult estranged adoptees.

She's pursing her estranged ones a little more actively than I have peace about doing with our estranged RADs.  (I don't for a second mean to imply either of us are wrong... I believe God's peace leads us along the best paths for our lives.)

I was trying to comfort her letting her know that these kids who have genuinely experienced abandonment have pains so deep that we, children who have had the loving presence of both parents for life, can merely imagine the depths of.

I don't remember her exact words, but... it was something along the lines of...

They know the pains of abandonment... they struggle to understand HOW anyone (specifically their bio-parents) could abandon someone (the child "given up") they are supposed to love... and yet that is exactly what our estranged kids are doing and they don't even see it!   They are abandoning the parents they are supposed to love, and YES, WE DO KNOW THE PAIN OF ABANDONMENT THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!   Just like THEY should never have been abandoned by their first parents... THEY should have never abandoned us the real parents that raised and love them.

Hmmmm... yes... we know the pain... I still believe their pain is deeper.   Young adults are supposed to embark on their adult life apart from their parents.   It would be beautiful if they were capable of maintaining loving ties to the parents who love them.  We each do have that healthy thriving relationship with our other child(ren).

Recently in the course of living I've had the opportunity to speak to a string of "estranged adult children" mostly "bio kids" each estranged for very different reasons.  So very sad.

Each estranged-from-parents adult either perpetual "loners" or with a long string of short relationships.

With several of these "coincidental" (?? doubt it!!!) recent encounters, I had the opportunity to express to each my husband's and my own yearning for reciprocally loving adult parent-child relationships with our estranged adult adoptees.  I've explained that we are eager to see them happily live the life they desire as adults, we just truly wish that their desired adult life could include a connection to us on some level.

Each estranged adult child (from early 30's to Senior Citizen) said they knew their parent's loved them, and confirmed that they loved their parents despite their own (in all but one situation) chosen estrangement.  

There's been quite a bit in the news lately about "strong relationships" and "close personal ties" and "close family relationships" being critical in determining a person's ability to "overcome" the various obstacles of life.

Here's an article from PLOS Medicine on Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review .

Meanwhile... we continue to pray the very best for the children we love. 

Merry Christmas Y'all

Merry Christmas to all my friends (who read this... and even those who don't!)

And Happy New Year!!!!

We've been busy with my brother's family visiting... which is always so nice!!! His two are still so young, but growing quickly and we always have such fun seeing them and playing with them.  We were just at their house before Halloween.  After we left the little one was reported to have said repeatedly he "ONLY" loves me and my hubby.   Ha ha.  Nice to know some kids find us loveable! 

The two little ones were at first quite shy of our new puppy, but the older one warmed up quickly.  When we all met at a nearby amusement park, the little guy told us our dog was mean because he kept kissing him.  Awww... maybe next visit our puppy will be less kissy faced.

This is such a busy time.  I'm not missing Facebook at all.  I'm glad to have closed it!

During a Christmas party we saw a friend, grandmother to many little ones... I think she told me her latest count is 7.  She still has a little one at home herself.... her baby is 10 or 11 years old.  She asked how "things" were going with our estranged kids.  I told her the older of the two is transforming us into grandparents while estranged.  This friend told me quite emphatically I "NEED TO FIGHT" for my rights to see that grandchild!!!  That grandchild NEEDS her grandparents. 

We pray for our kids, and our newly developing granddaughter.  I will not "FIGHT' for my rights to see any of my grandkids.  Sorry.  It's not that they're not worth it.  It's not that they don't "need" our love.  It's that RAD is Mom... and Mom is RAD.  

The only fight I find worth fighting regarding our RADkids is on my knees. 

Meanwhile on the still-estranged-sonny-delight front, our oldest called and shared her frustration, she had reached out to give a heads up that Christmas greetings were on the way and found out from her estranged from us brother's wife that they had moved... and noone told her... and he's deployed... and didn't tell her.  I encouraged our oldest that in ANY relationship, where communication is less than she'd desire or where she'd like to be treated differently in any manner, it is perfectly appropriate to speak up and let her desires be known.  I told her she's not doing anyone any favors to secretly stew about how she's perceived mistreatment.  She asked how things worked in my siblings and my adult relationships.  I explained that all families are different.  It seems most often women are more likely to try and keep in touch.

With My siblings Mom has always been the central connection for address updates, deployments and various tidbits of interesting sibling activities.  We do connect on our own, but rely on hearing summaries of activities from Mom.  Naturally some siblings stay in contact more with some than others.  We also have a cool first cousin that started annual family address updates.  I really appreciate that labor of love.  It keeps us up-to-date on not only addresses, but birthdays, and children and pets and as they have come along grandchildren.

I explained to our oldest that non-communication from her estranged-from-us adopted brother and his wife is not necessarily a snub... and the best way to let anyone know what we'd like in any relationship is to speak up. 

Catching Up With an Old Friend

My hubby loves to fiddle with computers.  He considered making a business of it, but could never bring himself to charge much more than the part itself.  I encouraged him to do the work as a ministry to others... charging only for what he might need to lay out for a part he doesn't have.  He LOVES helping others... and he loves fiddling with computers... perfect match.

A friend I keep up with, sent a mutual friend I've not seen nor heard from in YEARS our way to see if DH could help solve computer woes.

The call came through me... and me and my friend from long ago got to "catch up."

This old friend knew me from "pre-adoption" days.   She knew me quite well through the "hoping to adopt soon" days.  We lost contact in the "gee adopting these kids requires so much more of my attention than I imagined, but I'm glad to give them what they need" stage.

In some ways it seems like only yesterday we were spending quality time together, in other ways it seems like ten lifetimes ago.  It was good to "catch up."

I noticed something as I was updating my friend on what's going on since we last spoke... my perspective of this ordeal is less focused on my pain.

 I kept emphasizing despite how very painful the RADtypical behaviors are for my husband daughter and me; we, the family scorned, we are certain our estranged adoptees must be hurting to extremes we simply can not imagine.


  

Holidays and Estranged RADs

Our oldest is visiting and we are LOVING our time with our still sweet and cuddly, capable of reciprocating love child.

We all are having fun with the new puppy... what a nice treat to have the pitter patter of his little feet around the house!!!

Cousins will come up to visit while our daughter is here... and everything has been quite joyous.

We do have our moments. 

Today for example shopping in a store that was completely decked out for the holidays... Christmas music was playing... and my hubby grumbled... "I HATE Christmas!"

I told him I loved him, and I loved the fact that I get to spend Christmas with him...

My sweet tenderhearted hubby who loves our children so very much burst out crying "Our family is broken!  I hate it!  This is not what Christmas is supposed to be!" 

I've been trying to balance the pain associated with RADtypical attacks against us, with the knowledge that truly this is NOT personal, it's mental illness... I wondered tonight if our RADs are capable of empathy... are the capable of realizing their behaviors cause pain, and be sorry for it. 

I remembered when our kids were first placed with us... our new daughter was very concerned for the people she'd seen sleeping under the bridge.  That seems pretty darned empathetic. 

I also remember it taking seemingly forever for them to be sorry for more than getting caught... BUT when they finally would "get it" they'd get it... and demonstrate what appeared to be appropriate regret and sorrow for hurting others. 

So I'm encouraged through my memories of who they were... and we're still praying for them... alot!!!

As much as 3.5 years later our pre-adoption core family is coping SO MUCH BETTER than we have been since the RAD's conjoined meltdown and attack against us... it still sucks knowing we have poured every good thing we have into children who are "done" with us... not just "done and gone" but done, gone, and still "working" the "poor pathetic abused orphan" game for whomever knows us,  is willing to listen, and reward them with money, gifts, time and attention in exchange for the entertainment their concocted tales of woe provide.    

Anyway... I'm trying to focus more on the awesome things God gives us... and there is certainly to be very grateful for!  We keep praying for all... and we're so very grateful to know we are not the only adoptive parents going through this.

Happy Thanksgiving!