Many Have Traveled This Path Long Before Me

Hubby and I were enjoying an anniversary cruise to exotic locations.  Dinners were at a set time with the same delightful couples.  Breakfasts and lunches were "open seating."

During a delightful lunchtime "chance" seating... Dear Hubby and I joined two other couples.  One couple was chronologically about 10 years behind us... and the other couple about 30 years ahead of us.  The older couple started to say how they were celebrating an anniversary that actually occurred the month prior, but preferred to celebrate it while children were in school.  They said September is a great time to sail, because most kids are in school... except homeschoolers!

I laughed and agreed, then confessed we were one of those "homeschool families."

I started to say something along the lines of "when we found out what they were and weren't teaching in school... we pulled them out..."  But stopped myself mid sentence because while that is why many choose to homeschool, it was not why we homeschooled.

Darn!  I didn't want to talk kids... talk RAD... again.  Not here, not now... not in the middle of this gorgeous dining room, on this gorgeous day with delightful people cruising in the middle of the sparkling cerulean sea.  When will the pain of this journey of adoption be over?

I corrected myself and said, "actually..." years ago we adopted a special needs sibling group who were very troubled.  Our daughter had 17 families before us when we got her at almost 6 years old.  Homeschooling helped her... tremendously... but sadly the process of becoming an adult reawakened many of her and her half biological brother's abandonment issues.  They've been estranged from us for 4 years now...it's heartbreaking... "but what can anyone do, except pray for the best for them"

The older gentleman to my right said... I know exactly what you're talking about.  He patted my arm and assured me that me and my husband gave our kids what they needed... and that is what is important.

He shared how he and his wife had five beautiful girls when a commercial on tv encouraged viewers to become foster parents because there was such a tremendous need.   The couple made a call and became foster parents to a young baby.... had him for 2.5-3 years and were able to adopt him.  This man kept talking about his youngest daughter (in past tense form) and shaking his head... and referring to the fact that of his six kids, he and his wife only had three "remaining"... (he didn't specify... and seemed like he felt he was already talking too much about it... but it sounded like at least one of his kids had been "lost" through estrangement... like there was a grave price for the biokids to pay because the adopted child required so much of their time and energy and attention, he kept inferring that his biological children suffered... greatly.)

As this adoption veteran, who served so many years before us, was patting my arm and consoling me... he seemed to take comfort in his own words...

We've given these destitute kids what they needed when they were small.
That is what is important...
...and it hasn't gone unnoticed. 

Trying to Love My Enemies

Yeah.

Today I saw the family that's been running away from us in public places... we've been praying for them... really. 

Their crap hurts.

As often as their crap hurts us, we pray for them. 

It's obvious they don't have love to offer... and that alone is enough reason for me to pray for them.

Today I called the matriarch by name, she covered her face with her bible, pretending to be reading as she was walking,  I called her name again, she looked up... I told her we've been praying for you and the family.  We have, as a matter of fact I was praying for their family by name on the way to church because we often see their adult son there.  We've never seen the whole family there.

Today I saw a man who used to lead the homeschool sports stuff we brought our kids to.  I was told our "officer RAD" estranged three years responded to a call... "Hey, I saw your daughter not too long ago..." 

Normally I tell people if you see officer RAD... tell her her mommy and daddy love her very much. 



Today... mommy is tired of the bullshit. 

Today mommy would like to imagine life without the ongoing trauma traumatized kids have brought to our lives.   3 years and counting.  God help me.  Please.

So today I was daydreaming about requiring our adult adoptees to give back our name.

Yay...trying to love my enemies...

Matthew 5:43-48 Love for Enemies

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Despite Estrangement, Parental Privileges Are Not Revoked

Dear hubby and I have had an unexplained prayer burden for our son specifically spanning the last 4 days. Our son has not responded to contact since he turned 18. He'll be 21 in October. Just celebrated his first wedding anniversary. We didn't know HOW or WHY he was struggling. God just whispered in our ears he was... And we needed to pray for our all-grown-up little boy. Our oldest/bio-daughter keeps shallow intermittent contact with her adoptive siblings. We encourage and support that contact, but do not pry. We don't want her to feel like an informant. We tell her she is welcome to share what she needs to share and keep confidences private. 

It is truthfully easier for us NOT to hear their activities. 

Our oldest/bio-daughter has shared BIG things that concern her... but doesn't share much else....
Eg- RADdaughter traveling to Germany to "meet" a man she never met before but was in love with him through his mother at work. 
-RADson enlisted.
-RADson eloped
-and the day before I saved this post to draft.... Our oldest/bio-daughter shared our son was being shipped overseas. 

I'm grateful for the privilege to pray for our adoptees.  My prayer is every day they'd take more and more steps closer to healing.

I hate that they are hurting.  I hate that their pain from early traumas experienced long before we ever met them causes them to lash out at this family that has lovingly welcomed and raised them.   I hate that they have hurt the us so badly because thy are hurting. 

I am grateful for the "inside scoop" of prayer burdens for them from The One Who knows them best. 

Parenting RAD From a Distance

 Love, laughter and fun abounds in my life, and I am so very grateful. 

I always feel like "this is not the place to share that kind of stuff... I'm here to talk about my experience and hope in parenting RAD adoptees." 

Please don't misunderstand...
As a parent with estranged RAD adult adoptees I DO have my share of heartache.  

HOWEVER... I also have tremendous joy!!!

For some reason, as an empty nester, married to the love of my life, having raised  a healthy-capable-of-reciprocating-parental-love-biologically-originated-from-us-adult-child who brings us joy on so many levels, my blogging life for almost three years has pretty much denied her existence. 

My blog reading and blog writing (much of my cyber-life as a matter of fact... since RADs attacked) has primarily revolved around trying to understand our adult RADs who, after appearing healthy for so many years, together experienced such major regressions in the process of embarking into their adult lives and have not yet become healthy enough to enjoy our company. 

I hurt for our adoptees.                               

I hurt from our adoptees.

But the reality is love and joy abound daily in my life on so many  other levels. 

The reality is love also abounds from my husband, our oldest daughter, and myself to our adult adoptees... they are not healthy enough to receive it.  

Yet.

I've longed and needed a place where I can share the fullness of my joys without restraint.  I don't want to feel badly for reveling in the love, enjoyment and successes I DO enjoy from day-to-day. 

I've created that space where I can let the Beauty that surrounds my life abound without restraint.

You're welcome to join me any time you'd like!

http://hedgedinbeauty.blogspot.com/

I'll still post here from time to time... (as I intended to post what worked for us, what didn't etc... and updates if/when they come regarding our estranged adoptees.)  ... as a matter of fact... got one brewing. 

Meanwhile... if you stumble here... pray for us... pray for our family. 
Hubby and I pray regularly for those in the trenches of parenting Reactive Attachment Disordered adoptees and the children who have experienced early traumas not one of us would care to imagine. 

The Not-So-Delicate-Anymore Orchid

The Mother's Day just before RAD melted down, the two (who would just 2 1/2 months later become estranged) gave me a beautiful orchid. 

Shortly after Mother's Day, that beautiful delicate orchid appeared to die off.

It then come back with glorious blooms a couple of times before our RADs had their meltdown. 

I had never owned an orchid, before... had always wanted one...  had heard they were difficult to care for. 
I was amazed in the beginning how so-very-easy this beauty was! 

After our RADs melted-down the orchid went stagnant. 

It looked like it had some life, but no matter what I did, it wasn't thriving and it certainly wasn't giving blossoms. 

I tried to "save" the plant, but tired quickly of investing so much effort caring for something, though once beautiful, that was not giving back. 

I also had much pain looking at a reminder of my adopted children's loving generosity... reminding me of a time that I was blissfully ignorant our beloved adoptees were fast in-the-process of spiraling downward toward a crash that would devastate us all. 

I hate to give up on beautiful living things.  

I hate to give up on ugly living things.  

I hate to give up!

It was simply too painful to continue to care for a gift that reminded me of good times with the ones who have been hurting us so deeply.

I remembered a family friend mentioned her step-mom put a seemingly "expired" orchid in the woven branches of one of their palm trees and it continues to bloom regularly without effort or maintenance. 

Our quasi-tropical environment is a good environment for many living things... I put the non-performing orchid in the shade of our shrubs near the front door.  It would get water with rain and/or the sprinkler system, be protected from the harsh sun, and be out of my direct line of sight from day-to-day. 

Curious I'd peek at it from time-to-time.  If it ever appeared dead... I figured I'd re-use the pot for something else.  It continued to hang in there.  If it had life... I wasn't going to give up on it. 

Until recently, it hasn't exactly thrived... but it didn't die either. 
Our wild bunnies nibbled on it for a while... lol ...the rabbits put a comically big-mouth-shaped bite on one of the plant's two leaves, then it seemed the rabbits didn't care for it so much anymore. 

I've been content letting the delicate orchid live a not-so-delicate life. 

It's been out, on its own, doing its own thing  for about 2 years now...  without much visible progress at all. 

Recently the orchid appears to be near-ready to bloom. It's darker, haggard, not nearly as pristine as it was when it arrived fresh from the green house.  It's sprouted a third leaf... and actually has the potential for blossoms!

Two days ago I noticed a shoot containing buds rising out of the plant ... I checked the external/internal pots for critters (none)  and brought the not-so-delicate-anymore orchid back in.  It looks like the orchid might have ended almost 2 years of stagnation and might just indeed bloom!

I'm hopeful... and encouraged!

I realize this orchid does not have a "spiritual link" to my kids who gifted it to me. 

But... when RAD melted down...
The actions, as parent, that I've had most peace about have been...
praying for them as often as they come to mind...

and

...just letting go of them... 

...allowing them do their own thing....  

                                                ...uninterrupted...
                                                             ...whatever that might be. 

(Like I ever had much choice to do anything else lol!)

I'm hoping... like the orchid... as our two young adult RADs have been doing their own thing for a couple of years now... they'd eventually show signs of health and healing, gain their bearing and blossom into adults strong enough to once more become a beautiful part of our lives.

Hubby reads me an "In Touch" devotional almost nightly. The devotional, linked here, popped up around the same time the orchid showed much progress. It confirms to me letting go of our adultRADkids doesn't, by any means, mean we've given up on them!

Life After RAD Moves out

RAD Has Left the Building.

We are here.   My beloved and I.  We were in love long before RAD entered our lives.  We are in love still.  We are an awesome team.  

Kids are supposed to grow up and move out. It can be hard for parents of "neurotypical" kids when they're left with an empty nest.

I was "warned" at a homeschool convention years ago... not to loose sight of me.  Not to become sooooo wrapped up  in "being mommy" that when the kids leave (like they're SUPPOSED to) that I'd need to find me again.

I was encouraged to keep up working on  hobbies and interests, keep on working on my relationship with the one I pledged to love long after the kids would grow and move out. 

Now I have plenty of time... and yet I feel like each day rushes to its end.

I find the computer, facebook specifically had been swallowing me whole... I'm purposefully backing away... it's nothing personal. 

I want to jump back in non-cyber-life. 

I'm gonna make a list of things I'd LOVE to do if I had time"

... 'cause I DO HAVE time... 

and I'm tired of donating it to the FB.

What's on your "list" of awesomeness?  Try and make a little time for it this week.  Make a date with yourself.  Make a date with your beloved.

Don't neglect to feed the parts of you that were created to THRIVE long after the wee ones are grown!!!!!!!