Many Have Traveled This Path Long Before Me

Hubby and I were enjoying an anniversary cruise to exotic locations.  Dinners were at a set time with the same delightful couples.  Breakfasts and lunches were "open seating."

During a delightful lunchtime "chance" seating... Dear Hubby and I joined two other couples.  One couple was chronologically about 10 years behind us... and the other couple about 30 years ahead of us.  The older couple started to say how they were celebrating an anniversary that actually occurred the month prior, but preferred to celebrate it while children were in school.  They said September is a great time to sail, because most kids are in school... except homeschoolers!

I laughed and agreed, then confessed we were one of those "homeschool families."

I started to say something along the lines of "when we found out what they were and weren't teaching in school... we pulled them out..."  But stopped myself mid sentence because while that is why many choose to homeschool, it was not why we homeschooled.

Darn!  I didn't want to talk kids... talk RAD... again.  Not here, not now... not in the middle of this gorgeous dining room, on this gorgeous day with delightful people cruising in the middle of the sparkling cerulean sea.  When will the pain of this journey of adoption be over?

I corrected myself and said, "actually..." years ago we adopted a special needs sibling group who were very troubled.  Our daughter had 17 families before us when we got her at almost 6 years old.  Homeschooling helped her... tremendously... but sadly the process of becoming an adult reawakened many of her and her half biological brother's abandonment issues.  They've been estranged from us for 4 years now...it's heartbreaking... "but what can anyone do, except pray for the best for them"

The older gentleman to my right said... I know exactly what you're talking about.  He patted my arm and assured me that me and my husband gave our kids what they needed... and that is what is important.

He shared how he and his wife had five beautiful girls when a commercial on tv encouraged viewers to become foster parents because there was such a tremendous need.   The couple made a call and became foster parents to a young baby.... had him for 2.5-3 years and were able to adopt him.  This man kept talking about his youngest daughter (in past tense form) and shaking his head... and referring to the fact that of his six kids, he and his wife only had three "remaining"... (he didn't specify... and seemed like he felt he was already talking too much about it... but it sounded like at least one of his kids had been "lost" through estrangement... like there was a grave price for the biokids to pay because the adopted child required so much of their time and energy and attention, he kept inferring that his biological children suffered... greatly.)

As this adoption veteran, who served so many years before us, was patting my arm and consoling me... he seemed to take comfort in his own words...

We've given these destitute kids what they needed when they were small.
That is what is important...
...and it hasn't gone unnoticed. 

RAD on TV

Ha ha ha,

I saw this commercial for Daisy Sour Cream, and in it parents are visiting another family, and the mom asks, "What's our son doing in the Bennet family portrait?"

"What's our Son Doing in the Bennet Family portrait?"

Without missing a beat I said "He's got RAD!"

Hubby and I laughed hard.

Gee if only we had known it was the sour cream!

Hope you are all well!!!

So Tired I Hurt... With Waves of Awesomeness

I have the most amazing husband in the whole wide world!!!!

His only ambition for me today is to rest up... while he continues nose to the grindstone of his employment.

I went into this weekend overtired... but the good kind of overtired where you're exhausted from doing things you love.

My home-house-where-I-live-89%-of-the-year has had a revolving door filled with visitors whom I love arriving and departing... and I LOVE seeing them all!!!!!

The MOST AMAZING WEEKEND of the year happened smack dab in the middle of it all, and as all my beloved visitors have been making their reservations, I've informed them ANY dates are fine BUT nothing messes with MY weekend.

 I thanked my ETAAM housemate for smoking yesterday morning... because if she hadn't been out there we would have missed the magic of hot air balloon awesomeness wafting effortlessly above our Hollywooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Snowstorms and cancelled flights threatened to impose on MY weekend... but hubby who is THE original Superman assured everyone my disabled sister would be well cared for and arrive safely at her destination three days into the time we had allotted for MY weekend.

The delivery of items that were supposed to allow me one day earlier admittance into MY weekend ended up not being scheduled for delivery until 7pm the first official full-day of the weekend had me chasing brown down bright and early.

 I got a sneak peek at the early morning workings of how brown does what it does... it's a well oiled machine.  Superhubby assured me that IF I had been unsuccessful in chasing brown down, he'd gladly drop the booklets off whenever we needed them.

As I sit and ponder all this weekend has held... I'm tearfully (the joyfilled kind) overwhelmed with the fact I have such an amazing hubby...

I'm overwhelmed and verklempt from the memory vignettes of MY "moments" spent with THE MOST AMAZING MOMMAS IN THE WORLD!!!

HOLLYWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD 

Thank God for Bedbugs

Bedbugs.

Thank God!

They were the final inspiration that brought a friend's RAD son home from the very dangerous situation he had been living in. 

I had seen his mother's comment that Thank God her son who had been estranged for over a year had returned. 

I privately messaged her letting her know I was happy for her... but angry and doing my best to deal with my anger before the sun went down. 

Years ago our families attended the same little church. 

When her adopted son was very small, she and her family moved thousands of miles away.  Facebook helped us keep in touch. 

Many of the "good christians" who were our former pewmates who continue to be SO VERY HORRIBLE to our family during  and since our RAD's meltdown... were all "liking" and "commenting" about how wonderful it was my friend's son had returned home. 

It turned my stomach... and I was angry!

My gracious friend called me from THOUSANDS of miles away... and talked with me, and encouraged me. 

Together we prayed.  Together we were grateful for "whatever it takes" that would turn our kids hearts home toward the parents who love them. 

Together we thanked God for bedbugs, because bedbugs are what brought her son back home.

Naturally there is still a long way to go... but meanwhile together... we remain grateful... for bedbugs.

Ain't Nobody A Better Mommy for My Baby Than Me!

I have always loved caring for children. 

I studied Early Child Development at a large university. 

Before I had children, I worked at a Day Care Center...  and I was so very grateful to have my first baby "come to work" with me! 

In caring for other people's children, I'd noticed a theme... I call it the "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Of course the bulk of children I'd cared for had all been very well cared for by loving/attentive parents who would strive to provide the very best for their precious children. 

I'd giggle quietly to myself as each mommy would explain in great detail precisely how her baby needed his butt wiped, his food cut, to be burped after every two ounces of formula.  One mommy was concerned her daughter was outgrowing all the beautiful baby dresses friends had given.  Mommy packed four beautiful brand new outfits a day and NEEDED me to change her princess into those outfits during the 8 hours she was in my care every day M-F.  I'd always heed mommy's advice... well, except I probably slacked on the 2-hour costume change request!  Ha ha!  That was over 30 years ago... the child very distinct name.  I just peeked at FB and she's out there... all grown up... but has privacy set so her profile picture is hidden.  I wonder if she has grown up to be the fashion diva her mommy wanted her to be.

Anyway... I noticed this "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in pretty much every parent I had encountered.  It's normal.  Some parents are more ferocious about that quality than others.  I'm not offended when I encounter it from the mom of a child I care for.    I've noticed the syndrome in myself.

When my then childless baby sister (2nd to youngest of 7 kids) began working daycare, she'd be quite devastated by the "critiques" of the mom's she'd encounter in the line of work.   "Do they realize how many diapers I've changed?  Don't they think I know what I'm doing?????!!!!!"  I'd encourage her to relax, it's not personal... it's "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Well years have passed, and Sis has been a mommy for almost 6 years now... and from time to time she shares frustrations about how her children's teacher's, babysitters, caregivers are FAILING her children by failing to heed her parental wisdom.  When that happens I get to talk my sis down memory lane about how she felt being criticized by parents experiencing "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... it's not personal, and if we want them to heed our advice, the less obnoxious we are in presenting "our advice" the more receptive our child's caregiver will be to oblige and think sweet thoughts about our little angels in their care. 

As I mentioned earlier MOST of the children in my care have only had nurturing, attentive, wonderful care. 

Back in Day Care days there were a couple of kids in sad situations.  Two with regularly drunken dads, and one child was one confirmed victim of repeated child-abuse by mommy's boyfriend.... social services was involved and would visit the school from time to time to update reports, or follow up on new claims.  During one visit to the school, I flat-out asked the social worker "how can you allow this child to keep returning home where he gets cigarette burns up and down all four of his limbs and gets bruises the size of his body?!!!!!!"  The social worker replied "we like to keep families together!  ... and it's not the mom who is hurting the child, it's the boyfriend."   ACK!!!!

Best case scenario is usually "Ain't nobody a better mommy for a baby than bio mom" ... in MOST cases.  

Sometimes intervention is needed. 

Two (almost three) of our children became ours because intervention was needed. 

I've heard a lot of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" advice from a lot of mommies over the years. 

The day our "foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" moved into our home the advice we got from "suddenly retiring after having our foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" foster parents was... "You won't need to spend a lot on groceries!  They don't eat much.  The girls ONLY eat mashed potatoes.  The boy ONLY drinks Orange Juice in a bottle." 

We didn't even try to follow that advice!  It did not seem nurturing, nor loving, nor wise.  Our family pediatrician said "no more juice, it's better for him to eat his fruit than drink it" and encouraged us to not feel guilty about withholding mashed potatoes... just keep on presenting "healthy options" they will eat. We did, and they did.  But oh, there was charm, and stubbornness, and triangulation, and testing. 

I recognized in myself the potential for "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... but this situation was different... my position was more... "justified."  

When the "helpful advice" was given, I hadn't yet been introduced to Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I felt justified in my "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... I was GLAD that foster couple had decided to "retire."   (I secretly wondered if they had been "forced" to retire.)   Certainly my brand new "babies" (ages 2.5, a week from 6, and 13) had OBVIOUSLY NOT been "nurtured" for the three months they were in that couple's care. 

Then we got to see the united front the three half-bio-siblings put up to "fight" us on their "dietary needs." Woah... it was hard to blame the old couple for not having the fortitude to maintain the battle. 

The retired couple wanted to visit.  We invited them to come.  First words out of "Mama L"'s mouth was how thin our son had gotten since they had cared for him.Her words blatantly oozed  "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me!"   In our care our son had grown into the "average" zone for height and weight.  If you read a touch of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in that sentence... good eye... 'cause it's there! 

I've tempered my judgment of our children's prior foster couple with understanding of how exactly "strong willed" our new kids were... combined with the knowledge that all moms tend to believe "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" ...even if "our babies" are only "ours" for a short period of time.  I know from working in schools it's tough to see "my kids" from "my classroom" move up to the next grade.  Caring for children... really caring for children... then letting them go, more than tugs at my heartstrings.  Even in classroom settings my hope has always been as I let go that the people that have "my" students next will be as caring, as nurturing, as I had been. 

Fast Forward 17.5 years post-adopting RAD. 

I understand RAD more and more as I view Parenting RAD through the rear-view mirror. 

Our Adult RAD kids have RADtypically triangulated gullible people to become their "new mommies and daddies."   Those people believe about our kids "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me."
Only the "babies" they claim have never been theirs. 

They blame us for our children's problems... Kinda like we blamed the retiring foster couple Mr and Mrs "Momma L" who had our kids three months before they moved into our home. 

Our "officially diagnosed" RAD had 17 foster families/failed adoption placements before she came home to us.  Her problems have nothing to do with  Mr and Mrs "Momma L."  Her problems have nothing to do with us. 

Our Adult RADkid's RADtypically triangulated rescuers don't understand... like we didn't understand... the problems our children have began loooooong before we ever knew them... and long before they spent three months with Mr and Mrs "Momma L."

Blissful Ignorance and a Rearview Mirror

Yesterday, seated behind my hubby at lunch, there was a woman and two young boys (about 10 years old?) I assumed they were mother and sons.

One kid pretty much had his face to the plate and was gobbling his food. The other one was so sweet... so attentive, so sincere, communicative, from time to time he'd offer his mom a taste of something she had asked about on his plate. I got teary... remembering when my son was in "the beautiful years"

Billy noticed me tearing up and asked what was bothering me... all I could choke out was "I'll tell you in the car" 'cause I was on the verge of the big ugly cry.

Hubby goes into "surveillance mode" looking for any of the usual faces of betrayal (who we knew via the church we raised the kids in) that might be in our midst... he says "oh, I see... is that Lisa over there?" Nodding toward the large woman with curly blonde hair and glasses...

Just a few seconds before hubby thinks he's solved it...  directly behind my hubby... facing me, is the charming  distraction that drove me to the brink of sobbing.  The boy says loudly and clearly "My mom NEVER packs me any lunch!"

I tell my hubby "No, it's not Lisa... oh and Crisis Averted" and in one second I go from choked up to giggling the sad giggle with the realization that the "charming little boy" was probably more like our son than I ever realized!

Part of me wants to go back through the beautiful years, now that I UNDERSTAND the diagnosis of RAD so much better... and realize how sick they probably have always been... while I was blissfully ignorant.

Part of me is so very grateful to have been clueless!

Flashback to the beginning

I  was reading how many parents to RAD find their RAD afflicted children don't handle "owning" many things well.  Many adoptive parents of RADkids find their new child is most at peace with little-to-no belongings, at least until they settle in. 

I flashed back to the very beginning of our adoption experience.  We WANTED to give these kids the world.  We tried to give our new kids everything they had lacked... They just couldn't handle it!   Frequent tantruming and destruction is what ensued when owning items (fun items that normally delight young children) would overwhelm our RAD diagnosed daughter. 

Each of our three "new" kids came to us with one brown paper grocery bag partially filled with all their worldly possessions.  (Including all their clothes!)

It turns out the foster family "our new kids" also sent along several bags of "kid-stuff" that our "new kids" said wasn't theirs.  Our new kids' social worker explained the prior foster family wouldn't need the items any more.  Three months with our kids caused that foster family to retire. 

We were told after having "our kids" for three months... the elderly couple decided they'd give up foster care for good... they had only been doing it for a couple of decades. 

Our new "special needs sibling group" of three children, 13, 6, and 2 1/2 had just disrupted from an adoption placement three months prior to joining that foster family... and after three months of our "new kids" in that veteran foster family's home was enough to shut them down... for good.  They were no longer interested in fostering.  They were done. 

Does every adopted child have Reactive Attachment Disorder... I really don't believe so. 

I do think it is highly likely for individuals separated from one or both bio-parents to have "attachment issues" but I believe attachment issues are not full-blown RAD.

Attachment issues are quite different from Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

Adoption... Always Best?

I am VERY pro-adoption... but I can't help but doubt that adoption is always the BEST choice. 

For our kids...
I believe for their time,
and season,
and circumstances...
adoption WAS best.

I believe "our" kids

were "meant to be"

part of our family...

BUT I don't believe

adoption

was the

best-case-scenario 

for them. 

I realize I'm tip-toeing-barefoot into the fairy filled hills of make-believe... but I believe THE ABSOLUTE best-case-scenario for every child is to be raised by BOTH their biological parents in the setting where the child's biological parents are healthy and happy and head-over-heels in love with each other... and each of their children. 

I know "stuff happens" 

and life ain't make-believe 

                                      and far-too-many-times      

kids are stuck 

in situations

paying the dearly 

the consequences 

for situations 

they did not have

a single choice 

about. 

When we were FINALLY settling into the "beautiful years" I had an obnoxious churchified crankster tell me all about this book she was reading about allowing God to plan your family and how adoption IS a Biblical concept... BUT... adoption SHOULD NEVER take place when the biological parents are still living.

I wanted to punch her. 

Years later...

Our "officially diagnosed RAD" that appeared "healed halleluiah!!!" for oh so many years went on a mission trip to a "third world" country.  She seemed healthy when she went... She seemed healthy when she returned.  RAD appeared to remain dormant before-during-and-after her out-of-the-country missions trip.

The "missions team" came back with tales of this "backward" nation and all it's woes... mostly "they eat beans for breakfast!!!"  "they can't flush toilet paper" added to all the lack-of-technology woes... (But apparently the "team" realized the third-world-nation manufactures their coca-cola with cane sugar... so that third-world-nation had ONE positive thing going for it!)

One of the sad facts on the missions team "tsk tsk tsk" list was that mothers of young children who were in jail actually had their children in jail with them. 

"Can you believe it?  Shame shame shame!  Those poor children, raised in jail!  Thank God we're so advanced here...for the sake of the children!"

Something pricked my heart as the churchified cranksters were busy patting themselves on their own backs for being so intelligent to have been born in our advanced society. 

My heart was pricked during the Beautiful Years... when our RAD appeared to be attached and loving, when things in our family were so very beautiful.  RAD at this point didn't appear to be an issue at all... ALL our kids appeared healthy and happy and well adjusted in our family... STILL my heart was pricked.

When it came to keeping babies with their mothers... 

I thought the third-world-nation got it right. 

I wonder...  Knowing how VITAL the primary biological  parent-child ties are to a child's development... witnessing firsthand the damages of Reactive Attachment Disorder in our adopted children's life... I can't help but wonder...

Does our modern, 

technologically advanced society 

REALLY 

"help" children 

when they remove children 

from their biological family? 

During hardship, 
or famine 
or worse? 

Like I said... I believe our kids belonged home with us!
At that time, and in those circumstances, our family was our children's best chance for a healthy life.

Our family was never the "ultimate best" but we were absolutely the "best remaining" choice for our children. 

I can't help but wonder if we can do better for the kids that are out there...
for the kids who haven't been born yet. 

Our Lovingly Attached and Healthy Bio-child

We are so very blessed to have a lovingly attached and healthy bio-child.  We are so very grateful for her!!!!!!!  As a successful young adult, she lives many states away.  We have managed to enjoy each-others company in-real-life far more frequently than I ever imagined possible with the oh-so-many-miles that separate us!!!!

In-between our awesome visits, our bio-daughter calls and texts regularly.  Her calls are not just "hi/bye" methods of checking in... when she calls she wants to TALK to US. 

She LOVES us!!!

We laugh and have a ton of silly jokes that we share amongst ourselves.  Such delicious silliness based on fun times we've shared together!!!!  In most cases they're "you had to be there" kinds of jokes that keep us giggling for a lonnnnng time afterwards!!!!!

Some days she calls for advice, 

some days she wants to vent,

or run her perspective of options before she finalizes big decisions. 

Some days she calls just 'cause she misses us.

She wants to share with us what's happening in her life.  She loves us. 

Oh what a joy it is to be loved!!!!!

Our bio's most  recent calls have been about how the Lord is surrounding her with people who are asking about her faith and are flat out asking if they can go to church with her.  Our daughter has always been strong in her faith... but has never been "preachy" and she's not ever invited those who are asking... they are asking her.  
Our bio-daughter tells me she doesn't understand how or why people from so many very different parts of her life keep asking her about her faith.  

From our bio-daughter's point of view the years since our young-adult-RADs attacked our loving family have been her worst-ever crisis of faith.  

She could not imagine how the Lord would allow such horrible things to be done to our family... not only by our RADs, but by the "christian" community she grew up in.  

She does recognize the attack by "the church" is not God-ordained.
 
Our bio-daughter sees how the Lord is faithful to His Word...  
giving beauty for ashes.

People from so many different parts of her life keep asking very specific questions to find out more about The Light our bio-daughter carries within... (and shines so very beautifully!!!!!)... even in the midst of RAD inflicted adversity... as very real pain pushes our daughter even more deeply into God's loving-embrace, those witnessing her pain-filled-journey-of-faith are likewise being drawn to her Source of comfort.

A trampled rose 

gives off a the sweetest fragrance. 

"The breaking of the alabaster box and the anointing of the Lord filled the house with the odor, with the sweetest odor. Everyone could smell it. Whenever you meet someone who has really suffered; been limited, gone through things for the Lord, willing to be imprisoned by the Lord, just being satisfied with Him and nothing else, immediately you scent the fragrance. There is a savor of the Lord. Something has been crushed, something has been broken, and there is a resulting odor of sweetness. --Watchman Nee"

Raising RAD With Nothing More Than a Diagnosis

You may already know our "officially diagnosed" RAD was diagnosed RAD before anything was published for parents about the disorder.  She had improved tremendously by the time books began being published... then completely melted down attacking us at age 21... leaving us reeling... wondering what in tarnation was going on.

I have considered many times how very grateful I am (in-part) to have been TOTALLY clueless about the "milder" RAD symptoms that continued to provide subtle evidence that our child was not 100% well...

I'm grateful my ignorance about all that RAD is allowed us to believe that healing was possible, and to have believed healing had indeed happened.

I'm grateful my ignorance allowed me to envision a bright and beautiful future for my adopted children the entire time we were raising them. 

Because of the tremendous progress and healing we witnessed firsthand during the "Ten Beautiful Years" I am able to extend hope for our beloved children's future.   

I continue to hope "one day" they will move past the trauma stepping into "adult life" had reawakened in their hearts and their minds and heal enough to join us once more in a reciprocally loving relationship.

The Puppets, the Puppeteers, and the Grand Master Puppeteer

I believe...
          there will come a day...
                                   where the ones
                                                  who think
                                                                THEY are pulling all the strings...

                                                          ...will realize and recognize...                                   

EXACTLY...                    

whose puppet they are. 

I'm eager for our RADs
to choose to surround themselves
with people who love them
enough 
to tell them truths...
                                  ...truths that may be hard to hear...
                                                                            ...truths that are critical to our RADs' ability to walk in mental health.

Surely one day, it will dawn....
                                     .... crowds that surround...
                                                                                   ...and applaud...

...REALLY love the entertainment

...tremendous personal pains provides.

Yes!!!  The audience MAY be enamored...  

...for a season...

******************************************************************************
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;

but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Proverbs 27:6  King James Version (KJV)

RAD... Conscience IS Possible... Glimmers of Hope!

Our RADdaughter was SURROUNDED by her RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers as she made her false allegations of abuse against us. 

She was surrounded by her RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers as they proclaimed
"IF... what you're saying is true... you must..." 
...report abuse to the police...
...take legal action...
...file an additional order of protection...
...go to the women's shelter and claim YOUR money for the "damages" you encountered as a "victim of domestic violence."

Does that kind of "rescuing" pressure to prove lies are true create an environment that will encourage a mentally ill young adult to "come clean" about their MULTIPLE INTENSE LIES and tell the truth?

No, it does not!

I ACTUALLY SAW our 21 year old RADdaughter  flanked on both sides by her RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers (aka "new mommy and daddy") the day RADdaughter should have been at work...

...the day her insane RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers dragged her instead to file an order of protection against us.    

 I saw them were enjoying breakfast together on the other side of town.

Found it odd... 'cause it was RADdaughter's workday..

a few days later 

the sheriff knocked on our door

presenting the complaint 

which just happened to be dated 

the exact day I saw
RADgirl dining with her rescue rangers.

It turns out...
Our RADdaughter DOES HAVE A CONSCIENCE!!!
Our RADdaughter could not in good conscience keep the money she had claimed from the woman's shelter as a "victim of domestic violence."

I'm CERTAIN
our RADdaughter  
was NOT flanked on ANY side
by a RADtypically-triangulated-rescuer
three months later,
on the day 
she returned the money
she could have EASILY kept...
when she falsely laid claim to it 
by pretending to be SO HORRIBLY ABUSED. 
The fact that our RADdaughter had the ability to admit truth through her action of returning money she could have very easily kept gives me hope!

Hope that ONE DAY

She will be STRONG ENOUGH

To walk alone

or

Surround herself with people

who LOVE her enough 

to encourage her to 

DO THE RIGHT THING, 

confess her lies...

make restitution...

ask for forgiveness...

and 

WALK IN MENTAL HEALTH.

Meanwhile I pray that every time our rookie-officer RAD sees the "silver bracelets" she tried her darnedest to present to her loving parents two years ago this August...
she will know the depths of her parent's love!!!

...in the same way I pray we'd all know the depth of our Savior's love, and the PRICE He lovingly paid for loving us...
every time we see the cross!

Hubby's Encounter & Elevator Speech

Today was the day our church honors the men of the congregation (not only dads) by preparing a big breakfast for them.

I had an opportunity to get my licensing ceu's locally, and couldn't attend. 

Dear Hubby went alone.  He's a people person.  Enjoys people, enjoys food... great combo.

The lady serving ricotta blueberry pancakes said "Happy Father's Day!... Oh, do you have children? If you do...  Happy Father's Day!"

This lady is uber-sweet.  Very friendly.  Very personable.  (and she makes delicious pancakes!!!)

My hubby explained he's dad to three... all adults... the oldest graduated college out of state, now working and doing exceptionally well... and two estranged adopted kids.

This lady said, "let me guess... REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER, right?"

It turns out one of her daughters is parenting a RAD adopted child. 

My husband said it was the FIRST TIME since our kids melted down and attacked him where the subject of our kids came up in casual conversation and he face-to-face encountered a "church person" who REALLY got it... She shone love and GENUINE understanding... AND didn't leave him feeling like a judged schmuck.

My sweet hubby said he felt afterwards SO GOOD to be REALLY understood!!!


Hearing of my hubby's encounter had me burst out in tears...
happy tears.

Let's keep educating... anyone who will listen!!!!

                            People really don't need to be on the inside track to understand this.  

I'm convinced I need to develop my RAD "elevator speech" trying to hone a concise explanation of RAD without going on ad-nauseum.

Almost everyone knows an adoptive family in crisis!!!!

I haven't perfected my "elevator speech" but I'm getting there... you may have noticed already... I tend to be "wordy."

A Heart for the Adopted

When we were blessed with our first child (by the miracle of birth) we prepared her to welcome the children that would "someday" join our family by the miracle of adoption.

(Hubby and I had "the call" to adopt long before we met each-other!)

Our oldest has been a joyful part of our adoption experience... every step of the way!!!

She GIVES herself wholly to love her siblings.

She had, with us, waited and prayed for them many years before they arrived.

She was equipped, ready and WILLING to share EVERYTHING... even us! 

She never faltered not for a minute. 

Fast-forward to adulthood.

Our oldest has been seriously dating someone... she cares deeply for him. 

He is adopted.  

He "has issues."

Our daughter is being so patient, so encouraging, so healing towards him.
I remain THOROUGHLY impressed.  
I have wrestled with the concept that our "selfless love" and
"patient endurance" may have taught her that love accepts abuse.
I would hate for that to be the case!!!!

BUT...

...Oh! 

How I would love

for people 

to surround

our adopteds

promoting their 

wholeness, 

healing,

well-being!!!!

As our family STILL remains reeling from our RADs "RADtypical" attack against us...

Here is our beautiful healthy-lovingly-attached daughter... 

...extending her heart to "one of their kind.  " 

Our oldest has explained to me that she has been praying for her spouse from the time she was a small girl.  She has always thought it be important that whomever it would be SHOULD "understand adoption" because she has always wanted whomever she would commit her heart to to be able to "understand" her siblings.  (She does not say this young man is "the one" but she does think he may be a contender...)

Our oldest and her beau are currently "on a break" right now... because she explains he is overwhelmed... it is not that they don't care for each other.  From what she describes part of what is troubling him sounds like he wants to step up... to do better... be better... live better...  for her... AND he is seriously doing "the work" to get well.  He feels the need to have time away to "work on himself." 

That impresses me. 

She tells me her desire for someone who understands adoption  has been a desire many years before our Adult RADs had their conjoined meltdown.   She met him just a few short months before our RADs melted down.  

At first I was quietly screaming at God to protect her.

I don't want a life of heartache for our oldest!!!!!!

She has already sacrificed so much for her siblings... endured so much because of their illness. 

But I've been praying God's best for all my kids. 

I would love to believe that ALL of my kids would be "God's best" for a special someone. 

I would hate to have my adopted two... the RADs... rejected because of their Reactive Attachment Disorder.

I want someone committed to love them... the way their big sister always has.

Our RADs have good qualities too.

At least I remember delightful times with our delightful children... We've had AT LEAST Ten Beautiful Years of joyous memories with our adopted children!!!!

We haven't seen our adopteds in almost 2 years.

Our most recent memories of life with those children ARE the most painful ones!

I miss our sweet beautiful kids... I haven't seen them in years.  

Meanwhile... I'm still praying for God's absolute best!

RAD, Four Letter Words, & Cussing

This topic came up in a cyber-RAD-support group. 

My response is long... so I'm making it a blog. 

When I first met our son outside of the "Sea-World Adoption Day" event, I didn't even think he could talk.

He was two-and-a-half, but looked much younger...
He was wayyy off the charts for height and weight (small)
and he was a diaper butt.  As a matter of fact all he had on was a diaper.

He didn't say a word.

He sure was a cutie though!

When he and his two half sisters came for their first-ever-pre-adoption-placement visit to our home... I was shocked... the kid could speak... not only a word or three... But he spoke in complete sentences with correct grammar!!!  He totally took me by surprise. 

Shortly after our family of three became a family of six I  did get to see his temper.

But I was prepared!
I had studied early child development in college.

I had worked with tiny tots seemingly forever... and... 

worked "behavior modification" with multiply disabled kids... 

*ALL my professional education/and experience trained me to KNOW to ignore most negative behavior issues with little ones and it won't take long before there are no more issues. 

*(The ignore-to-extinguish-behaviors technique 

btw NEVER worked for  our son's   "officially diagnosed RAD  " sister.  

She would escalate and exacerbate to meltdowns

I NEVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE 

until behaviors were directly addressed and dealt with... 

EVERY SINGLE TIME. 
That was one of the key puzzling issues 

that indicated to her counselor our new daughter had much bigger issues.  

It did not take long before 

she was referred to psychiatrist MD and  diagnosed RAD.  

We were encouraged to by our daughter's Psych-team to 

  "nip EVERYTHING in the bud  "  to help prevent future meltdowns. )

One day our new little diaper-butt son wanted something... I don't remember what, but  

the answer was "no." 

He threw a MAJOR drop-to-the-floor-kicking-screaming-punching/blocking-the-doorway tantrum.

I calmly quietly carried my laundry basket over his little loud convulsing body and went into the next room to sit and fold clothes.

He was SHOCKED!

He got quiet IMMEDIATELY!

He quietly picked his little self up and DRAMATICALLY dropped to the floor in front of my laundry basket to "continue" his tantrum! 
 


It took all the strength within me not to crack up laughing. 

I never saw that kind of tantrum from him again.... ever. 

Our son has grown into our never offically diagnosed
"inhibited RAD  "
With passive/aggressive- passive/defiant behaviors.
He was challenging to parent/easy to love

during the first three years, 

but not nearly as challenging as our 

" offically diagnosed disinhibited RAD " Daughter!!!
During our  "Ten Beautiful Years "  Our son was truly delightful 

He became his worst when

his officially Dx'd RAD sister returned from college 

and began triangulating him (and the world) against us. 

I wonder in-hindsight if the technique of ignoring negative behaviors to extinction
actually contributed in some way to his "inhibited RAD  " behaviors. 

Well, in the short time the kids had been with us, I saw in our son an AWESOME eagerness to "help out."  He loved to be assigned things.  (I'd call "OOOOOhhhhhhh Recycling Boy!!!!!" like I was calling for a super-hero whenever a newspaper, can or bottle needed to go into the recycle-bin... he absolutely LOVED to help!)

Well one day our new son was wandering aimlessly and pushing around a chair to entertain himself. 
(He loved to climb was all over everything all the time.)  I asked him to turn on the light so I could read.  Again... he was THRILLED.  (I didn't really NEED a light on... I just liked to ask him to do little things because it ALWAYS made him so happy that I might need his help!) 


I had forgotten I even asked him to turn on a light.  

As I was reading (in dim light) I heard my new son's ADORABLE little high pitched voice "let loose" with EVERY curse word I had EVER heard...EVER!  

...and USED IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT!!!! 

His oldest half-bio-sister (13) was quite proud of the fact she had worked HARD to teach him well during the ONLY three months they EVER lived together (as a special needs sibling group ready for adoption) before being placed in our home to finalize. 

Well I knew ignoring negative behaviors worked WELL with him!!!
So I kept my nose in the newspaper...  

AND the OBSCENITIES continued to fly out of his mouth!!!

                             ...and continued

...and continued                       

...and continued...  They were not slowing down!!!

 

I looked up... my new little son had dragged a chair to the BACK of our greatroom... where there was a 6 switch wall plate operating our outdoor floodlights, patio lighting etc...
My son would flip one, look back to where I was sitting, curse, flip another, look back curse, ...and so on and so on and so on... Each time his little mouth opened it was a new set/formation of curse words.  Each time they were used "in the right context!"

I said "OH, HONEY!!!!  THE LIGHT SWITCH YOU NEED TO TURN ON IS RIGHT THERE!"  I pointed across from me.

He happily pushed his chair to the other half of the great room and switched the light.  I gave him big hugs kisses and cuddled and thanked him for his awesome help.  I told him I was sorry I didn't tell him WHICH switch needed to be turned on.  All was right in the world... 

AND I NEVER HEARD 

ANOTHER CURSE WORD

OUT OF HIS MOUTH.  

EVER.  

However...
       ...about a year later, after we finalized adoption on two of the three originally placed. (Oldest ended up adopted, YES ADOPTED by her/not  "their  " bioDAD) We were FINALLY allowed to take our new kids out-of-state to meet their new extended family. 

We hit NY and I think the president was in town, some big dignitary was anyway... and it messed with traffic.  BIG TIME.   We ended up not moving more than three inches a mile for the next hour while roads were totally cleared for the procession of black cars with American flags at the front.  

The lady in the next car kept giving us a major dose of "stink-eye!"  

I asked my husband if he was aware of any driver faux-pas he might have made while we'd inch up and drop back each in our own lane... "Certainly you couldn't have cut her off!  We haven't REALLY moved!!!" 

We couldn't figure out for the life of us what that lady's problem was.  

I looked to the kids in the back seats. 

 The answer was clear.  

There was my precious little angel-faced -then- 3 1/2 year old son... flipping the lady off and giggling quietly to himself complete with happy feet at her reaction every-single-time.  My husband and I began laughing so hard (but trying to keep it so the kids didn't see our reaction) we were near tears!!!  

I reached around put his hand down, sternly told him "no!" I asked his older sisters to distract him... before we knew it we were moving again... 

And

I NEVER saw him

flip the bird

again.

  Ever!

I 

for the most part 

choose not to curse.   

(I must confess, every once-in-a-RARE-while,

I may indulge, "for effect." 

But it NEVER sits right with ME.  

It doesn't feel good to ME

And I have never been impressed 

by the fancy four lettered words 

coming out of MY mouth.)

Now... I'd like to point out that;
  I am not offended by curse words.   

I have MANY friends who are quite comfortable letting every word imaginable fly in by presence, in CREATIVE combinations I'd never imagine... I LOVE these people dearly AND I am not uncomfortable in their presence... I appreciate that they feel comfortable around me to "be themselves" and do not feel they  have to "edit" themselves in my presence!!!  

I am ALWAYS honored by the fact they trust me enough to be real. 

I have in my lifetime been FAR MORE offended by numerous "Why BLESS YOUR HEART!"-s  that I've gotten from church-y-people in church-y-circles where the "Bless your heart" people consider themselves "too holy" to allow "such words" to pass their lips, THAN I'VE EVER BEEN by "friendly" or heartfelt and un-edited "FU!" -s in "real" conversations with real (as opposed to plastic) people.  

I figure... what matters is the heart.  

Where is my heart while I am talking?!

Sometimes I'm even convicted 

by saying something seemingly harmless like 

"Oh fiddle sticks!" 

Because for ME what is important is where my heart is at!

For people offended by "cuss words" 

I'd like to challenge you to consider where your heart is at is, and what is your listener discerning in your message as you speak with-or-without cuss words?

Adoption Chewed Us Up Then Spit Us Out!

Yet we remain HUGE  fans!

My husband and I consider it our honor and privilege to be parents!  

We have been blessed with Three children.

Two through the miracle of adoption

One through the miracle of birth.        

                                         

While my husband and I were dating, 

long before we ever talked marriage, 

we talked adoption.  

Adoption was a heart's desire 

divinely placed deep within both of us. 

 

When our bio-daughter was born, 

we raised her preparing her 

to welcome the siblings 

we'd "some day" adopt. 

When she was 8 years old

we realized the dream.  

She was thrilled... 

she still is.

  She loves her siblings 

even though

their RADtypical behaviors 

continue to hurt us all deeply.

We LOVE our adoptees...

...we HATE the fact that RAD rages against our love for our adoptees.       

This year
my husband and I
celebrate 28 years

of wedded bliss.

This year our family 

celebrates 

"sweet 16" 

years of adoption.

All our children 

are legally adults.

 Adoption-wise

the last two years

have been 

FAR from sweet.

They have been

pretty much

textbook RAD.

Things had gotten SO good during the "Ten Beautiful Years" we actually thought RAD was outgrown.  Gone forever.  A faded memory.  Faded so much, in fact, I actually needed to be reminded!

To those of you currently in the trenches parenting RAD
battling DAILY for your child's mental health...
Can you imagine?  The LIVING HELL of RAGING RAD being SO faded a memory that someone outside your home has to remind you how bad it once was?  

That's where I was, almost two years ago
DAZED AND DEVASTATED
after our young-adult-adoptees attacked us during a
 a conjoined meltdown 
the likes of which we would have NEVER imagined possible...
EVER.   
My brother lovingly, gently reminded me;
"Do you remember how troubled they were when they were first placed?"
Yes.  
I remembered!
"Reactive Attachment Disorder with Hypervigilance" is the diagnosis our daughter's psychiatrist gave.


Almost 15 years later,
after "Ten Beautiful Years" where we were pretty convinced RAD was "healed hallelujah" to the point we kinda had forgotten the diagnosis was given...

We were shocked to hear from EVERY professional we consulted that  our adoptees' behavior as young adults was COMMON.  

Young adult adoptees

frequently attack 

their loving parents 

as they embark 

into their "adult" lives.    

 The experts "see it all the time!"

Why didn't ANYONE warn us?

If they had, would we have listened?

Can our pain help others?

 Halleluiah!  

NOTHING is wasted in God's economy!!!  

 God even designed it so  POOP can be fertlizer...

...AND...

fertilizer makes good grounds for growing!

Right?!!!

 I'd like to make a bumper sticker that says; 

"Fertilizer Happens!"

My hope is for this blog to share what "worked" during our "Ten Beautiful Years" and what we might have done differently if we had known more about RAD than what we-ourselves-reported as "bizarre behavior" to our child's psychiatric team 16* years ago.
*Back when the RAD diagnosis was given to our adoptee 
it was not explained to us.  
At that time NOTHING was published for parents about RAD.
(and IF  "searching the internet" existed back then, we certainly didn't have the tools to do so!)

I'm soooooo thankful there is so much published and available for parents regarding their adopted children's serious mental health condition now! 

Covered in fertilizer 

I remain grateful... 

...RAD is making the news! 

...Some WONDERFUL counselors know AND/OR are willing to learn how to BEST support RADkids 

by supporting the adoptive family as a whole!!!

... there are so many brave parents committed to loving their children enough to seek and do what is best!

...so many trauma-mommas blog about the realities of parenting RAD so others can know they truly

"are not alone!"

... And my heart remains full of hope!

Our Ten Beautiful Years after three VERY DIFFICULT years in the beginning gives me hope our RADadoptees will once more develop the strength to walk in BEAUTIFUL mental health back into LOVING relationship with the family that has ALWAYS loved them...

We who loved them long before they were ever born!

Have we been hurt?  More than word can describe.
Would we have adopted again?  Absolutely.
We continue to pray for our children whose illness hurts them and has hurt us so badly.
We continue to pray for adoptive families everywhere.