Beautiful Orlando Moms

This past weekend I got to see the most beautiful moms in all the world as they gathered to support and encourage each other in their experiences parenting traumatized children.

Oh these weekends make my heart sing!!!!

Amazed

I am amazed how God keeps on putting people in my life who can relate to the life experiences parenting RAD diagnosed children has brought into our lives.

I'm not grateful others have lived/are living our parallel universe... I'm grateful we can talk or even share a "knowing" wordless look and communicate volumes of "you are not alone!"

RAD on TV

Ha ha ha,

I saw this commercial for Daisy Sour Cream, and in it parents are visiting another family, and the mom asks, "What's our son doing in the Bennet family portrait?"

"What's our Son Doing in the Bennet Family portrait?"

Without missing a beat I said "He's got RAD!"

Hubby and I laughed hard.

Gee if only we had known it was the sour cream!

Hope you are all well!!!

So Tired I Hurt... With Waves of Awesomeness

I have the most amazing husband in the whole wide world!!!!

His only ambition for me today is to rest up... while he continues nose to the grindstone of his employment.

I went into this weekend overtired... but the good kind of overtired where you're exhausted from doing things you love.

My home-house-where-I-live-89%-of-the-year has had a revolving door filled with visitors whom I love arriving and departing... and I LOVE seeing them all!!!!!

The MOST AMAZING WEEKEND of the year happened smack dab in the middle of it all, and as all my beloved visitors have been making their reservations, I've informed them ANY dates are fine BUT nothing messes with MY weekend.

 I thanked my ETAAM housemate for smoking yesterday morning... because if she hadn't been out there we would have missed the magic of hot air balloon awesomeness wafting effortlessly above our Hollywooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Snowstorms and cancelled flights threatened to impose on MY weekend... but hubby who is THE original Superman assured everyone my disabled sister would be well cared for and arrive safely at her destination three days into the time we had allotted for MY weekend.

The delivery of items that were supposed to allow me one day earlier admittance into MY weekend ended up not being scheduled for delivery until 7pm the first official full-day of the weekend had me chasing brown down bright and early.

 I got a sneak peek at the early morning workings of how brown does what it does... it's a well oiled machine.  Superhubby assured me that IF I had been unsuccessful in chasing brown down, he'd gladly drop the booklets off whenever we needed them.

As I sit and ponder all this weekend has held... I'm tearfully (the joyfilled kind) overwhelmed with the fact I have such an amazing hubby...

I'm overwhelmed and verklempt from the memory vignettes of MY "moments" spent with THE MOST AMAZING MOMMAS IN THE WORLD!!!

HOLLYWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD 

Ain't Nobody A Better Mommy for My Baby Than Me!

I have always loved caring for children. 

I studied Early Child Development at a large university. 

Before I had children, I worked at a Day Care Center...  and I was so very grateful to have my first baby "come to work" with me! 

In caring for other people's children, I'd noticed a theme... I call it the "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Of course the bulk of children I'd cared for had all been very well cared for by loving/attentive parents who would strive to provide the very best for their precious children. 

I'd giggle quietly to myself as each mommy would explain in great detail precisely how her baby needed his butt wiped, his food cut, to be burped after every two ounces of formula.  One mommy was concerned her daughter was outgrowing all the beautiful baby dresses friends had given.  Mommy packed four beautiful brand new outfits a day and NEEDED me to change her princess into those outfits during the 8 hours she was in my care every day M-F.  I'd always heed mommy's advice... well, except I probably slacked on the 2-hour costume change request!  Ha ha!  That was over 30 years ago... the child very distinct name.  I just peeked at FB and she's out there... all grown up... but has privacy set so her profile picture is hidden.  I wonder if she has grown up to be the fashion diva her mommy wanted her to be.

Anyway... I noticed this "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in pretty much every parent I had encountered.  It's normal.  Some parents are more ferocious about that quality than others.  I'm not offended when I encounter it from the mom of a child I care for.    I've noticed the syndrome in myself.

When my then childless baby sister (2nd to youngest of 7 kids) began working daycare, she'd be quite devastated by the "critiques" of the mom's she'd encounter in the line of work.   "Do they realize how many diapers I've changed?  Don't they think I know what I'm doing?????!!!!!"  I'd encourage her to relax, it's not personal... it's "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Well years have passed, and Sis has been a mommy for almost 6 years now... and from time to time she shares frustrations about how her children's teacher's, babysitters, caregivers are FAILING her children by failing to heed her parental wisdom.  When that happens I get to talk my sis down memory lane about how she felt being criticized by parents experiencing "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... it's not personal, and if we want them to heed our advice, the less obnoxious we are in presenting "our advice" the more receptive our child's caregiver will be to oblige and think sweet thoughts about our little angels in their care. 

As I mentioned earlier MOST of the children in my care have only had nurturing, attentive, wonderful care. 

Back in Day Care days there were a couple of kids in sad situations.  Two with regularly drunken dads, and one child was one confirmed victim of repeated child-abuse by mommy's boyfriend.... social services was involved and would visit the school from time to time to update reports, or follow up on new claims.  During one visit to the school, I flat-out asked the social worker "how can you allow this child to keep returning home where he gets cigarette burns up and down all four of his limbs and gets bruises the size of his body?!!!!!!"  The social worker replied "we like to keep families together!  ... and it's not the mom who is hurting the child, it's the boyfriend."   ACK!!!!

Best case scenario is usually "Ain't nobody a better mommy for a baby than bio mom" ... in MOST cases.  

Sometimes intervention is needed. 

Two (almost three) of our children became ours because intervention was needed. 

I've heard a lot of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" advice from a lot of mommies over the years. 

The day our "foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" moved into our home the advice we got from "suddenly retiring after having our foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" foster parents was... "You won't need to spend a lot on groceries!  They don't eat much.  The girls ONLY eat mashed potatoes.  The boy ONLY drinks Orange Juice in a bottle." 

We didn't even try to follow that advice!  It did not seem nurturing, nor loving, nor wise.  Our family pediatrician said "no more juice, it's better for him to eat his fruit than drink it" and encouraged us to not feel guilty about withholding mashed potatoes... just keep on presenting "healthy options" they will eat. We did, and they did.  But oh, there was charm, and stubbornness, and triangulation, and testing. 

I recognized in myself the potential for "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... but this situation was different... my position was more... "justified."  

When the "helpful advice" was given, I hadn't yet been introduced to Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I felt justified in my "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... I was GLAD that foster couple had decided to "retire."   (I secretly wondered if they had been "forced" to retire.)   Certainly my brand new "babies" (ages 2.5, a week from 6, and 13) had OBVIOUSLY NOT been "nurtured" for the three months they were in that couple's care. 

Then we got to see the united front the three half-bio-siblings put up to "fight" us on their "dietary needs." Woah... it was hard to blame the old couple for not having the fortitude to maintain the battle. 

The retired couple wanted to visit.  We invited them to come.  First words out of "Mama L"'s mouth was how thin our son had gotten since they had cared for him.Her words blatantly oozed  "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me!"   In our care our son had grown into the "average" zone for height and weight.  If you read a touch of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in that sentence... good eye... 'cause it's there! 

I've tempered my judgment of our children's prior foster couple with understanding of how exactly "strong willed" our new kids were... combined with the knowledge that all moms tend to believe "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" ...even if "our babies" are only "ours" for a short period of time.  I know from working in schools it's tough to see "my kids" from "my classroom" move up to the next grade.  Caring for children... really caring for children... then letting them go, more than tugs at my heartstrings.  Even in classroom settings my hope has always been as I let go that the people that have "my" students next will be as caring, as nurturing, as I had been. 

Fast Forward 17.5 years post-adopting RAD. 

I understand RAD more and more as I view Parenting RAD through the rear-view mirror. 

Our Adult RAD kids have RADtypically triangulated gullible people to become their "new mommies and daddies."   Those people believe about our kids "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me."
Only the "babies" they claim have never been theirs. 

They blame us for our children's problems... Kinda like we blamed the retiring foster couple Mr and Mrs "Momma L" who had our kids three months before they moved into our home. 

Our "officially diagnosed" RAD had 17 foster families/failed adoption placements before she came home to us.  Her problems have nothing to do with  Mr and Mrs "Momma L."  Her problems have nothing to do with us. 

Our Adult RADkid's RADtypically triangulated rescuers don't understand... like we didn't understand... the problems our children have began loooooong before we ever knew them... and long before they spent three months with Mr and Mrs "Momma L."

Take Heart Adoptive Parents!

Take heart betrayed parents who have poured your lives and your love into the lives of these needy children. Your child's behaviors against you is not personal (even though it feels VERY personal!!!) it is mental illness. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that. Early Trauma affects how the brain develops!

Young adult adoptees "Leaving with a bang" usually by RADtypically triangulating their adoptive parents against whomever is gullible enough to believe their symptomatic Attachment Disordered "deceptive charm" is such a common thing for young adult adoptees to do during the season where it is biologically-age-appropriate for them and their peers to begin embarking into their "adult" lives! I've met so many adoptive families where their (18ish year old) adoptees have not moved out into their own place, have not moved in with peers... instead move in with their "friends" mommies and daddies and start calling them their "new parents" as they pretend for their easily manipulated "rescuers" to have lived lives of abuse in their loving attentive adoptive families. It's almost like these families are experiencing our parallel universe!

I want to encourage you to keep seeking the support of other adoptive parents (In real life... and on the internet!!!!) It is difficult to openly share all the trauma/drama parenting our attachment disordered children has brought into our lives. Some of the "private" or "closed" groups have more detailed support for every level of parenting kids of all ages with RAD diagnosis.

I don't at all mind private messages from parents who are experiencing a similar hell on earth! There really is genuine comfort in knowing we are not alone in loving our children who behave the way they do because they had been through brain altering traumas often starting with inutero exposure to illegal drugs and alcohol, as well as a flood of biomom's stress hormones throughout their prenatal development... combine that with whatever the traumas were that eventually separated them from their birth family... orphancare whether bouncing through the foster system, or rotating staff at actual orphanages... all this long before they ever entered our homes and joined our families.

I've noticed most people understand when there is an explosive teen/young-adult triangulating against a "step" parent... Yet I'm amazed how few people think the "issues" would not NATURALLY be exponentially multiplied when "neither parent" is the biological one.

I have also been amazed to see how much strife comes from members of "pro-life" affiliations who have not themselves adopted. I'm talking churches. I've learned that not everyone who stands under a banner... attends services... serves, "ministers" etc etc etc... not everyone in those positions has enough light of the Lord within them to shine light and love and wholeness and healing toward adoptive families. Instead it appears it is their delight to sow strife... foster rebellion... and create a hostile environment between us and our children. They are the ones whose "prayer circles" are gossip central. They chew up our kids stability as they satisfy their unholy appetites entertained by the drama surrounding our children's mental illness. These people, believe they are "serving God" as they walk out their desire to play savior instead of praying to the Savior.  They get a sick thrill out of attacking our families and patting themselves on the back for the "good work" they're doing. These who believe they are standing under the Cross have been the unkindest of all. If only they would put their efforts to making a positive difference in the lives of orphaned children instead of meddling in our families.  Have they adopted children born addicted... yeah no... didn't think so. 

My hubby and I are grateful there is MUCH encouragement for us in the Bible... and we are grateful for the remnant of those who REALLY know the Lord... and are CAPABLE and successful in shining His light and love. We are grateful for those who hear of our "situation" and speak of it to God asking for healing for our adoptees for healing of the hurts that started long before we ever met them... and for healing of our family of all the pain parenting children adopted out of trauma continues to bring to our lives.

You Are Not Alone

The last three months there has been a LOT of potentially emotional stuff (Loss-related anniversaries, birthdays etc etc etc) I had one especially sad day smack-dab between our estranged son's birthday and my what would have been my parents' 50th wedding anniversary ... and aside from that I'd say I'm doing VERY well.  (Thank God!!!!)

I've noticed as my anxiety has decreased markedly... more memories have been surfacing... more evidences of exactly how unwell our children were just before their conjoined meltdown.  

I'm not overwhelmed by it... It is with a calm knowing they are... and have been very ill.  Our adopted children are behaving EXACTLY as the symptoms list of their mental illness describes they might.

I realize with a little help from my RADparenting friends it is not personal.

I'm so very grateful for the various communities of Parenting RAD that let me know on so very many different levels I am not alone in my experiences. 

I've been singing this song...
There has been a LOT of potentially emotional stuff (Loss-related anniversaries, birthdays etc etc etc)I had one really sad day... and aside from that I'd say I'm doing VERY well. (Thank God!!!!)

I've notices as my anxiety has decreased markedly... memories have been surfacing... I've been remembering more very specific evidences (seen and understood more clearly via the miracle of hindsight) that keep exactly how unwell our children were just before their conjoined meltdown.

I'm not overwhelmed by it... It is with a calm knowing they are... and have been very ill. It is not personal.

I'm so very grateful for the various communities of Parenting RAD that let me know on so very many different levels I am not alone in my experiences.

I've been singing this song...



www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwONvf6k_-Y


I'm grateful to know I'm not alone... I'm grateful the Lord is with me... and I'm especially grateful God has connected me with other parents who love their RAD kids, despite having been beaten and battered by their beloved children's illness. 

Together we're trying to figure out what's best for our RADkids, our nonRADs and ourselves. 

Our Lovingly Attached and Healthy Bio-child

We are so very blessed to have a lovingly attached and healthy bio-child.  We are so very grateful for her!!!!!!!  As a successful young adult, she lives many states away.  We have managed to enjoy each-others company in-real-life far more frequently than I ever imagined possible with the oh-so-many-miles that separate us!!!!

In-between our awesome visits, our bio-daughter calls and texts regularly.  Her calls are not just "hi/bye" methods of checking in... when she calls she wants to TALK to US. 

She LOVES us!!!

We laugh and have a ton of silly jokes that we share amongst ourselves.  Such delicious silliness based on fun times we've shared together!!!!  In most cases they're "you had to be there" kinds of jokes that keep us giggling for a lonnnnng time afterwards!!!!!

Some days she calls for advice, 

some days she wants to vent,

or run her perspective of options before she finalizes big decisions. 

Some days she calls just 'cause she misses us.

She wants to share with us what's happening in her life.  She loves us. 

Oh what a joy it is to be loved!!!!!

Our bio's most  recent calls have been about how the Lord is surrounding her with people who are asking about her faith and are flat out asking if they can go to church with her.  Our daughter has always been strong in her faith... but has never been "preachy" and she's not ever invited those who are asking... they are asking her.  
Our bio-daughter tells me she doesn't understand how or why people from so many very different parts of her life keep asking her about her faith.  

From our bio-daughter's point of view the years since our young-adult-RADs attacked our loving family have been her worst-ever crisis of faith.  

She could not imagine how the Lord would allow such horrible things to be done to our family... not only by our RADs, but by the "christian" community she grew up in.  

She does recognize the attack by "the church" is not God-ordained.
 
Our bio-daughter sees how the Lord is faithful to His Word...  
giving beauty for ashes.

People from so many different parts of her life keep asking very specific questions to find out more about The Light our bio-daughter carries within... (and shines so very beautifully!!!!!)... even in the midst of RAD inflicted adversity... as very real pain pushes our daughter even more deeply into God's loving-embrace, those witnessing her pain-filled-journey-of-faith are likewise being drawn to her Source of comfort.

A trampled rose 

gives off a the sweetest fragrance. 

"The breaking of the alabaster box and the anointing of the Lord filled the house with the odor, with the sweetest odor. Everyone could smell it. Whenever you meet someone who has really suffered; been limited, gone through things for the Lord, willing to be imprisoned by the Lord, just being satisfied with Him and nothing else, immediately you scent the fragrance. There is a savor of the Lord. Something has been crushed, something has been broken, and there is a resulting odor of sweetness. --Watchman Nee"

Hubby's Encounter & Elevator Speech

Today was the day our church honors the men of the congregation (not only dads) by preparing a big breakfast for them.

I had an opportunity to get my licensing ceu's locally, and couldn't attend. 

Dear Hubby went alone.  He's a people person.  Enjoys people, enjoys food... great combo.

The lady serving ricotta blueberry pancakes said "Happy Father's Day!... Oh, do you have children? If you do...  Happy Father's Day!"

This lady is uber-sweet.  Very friendly.  Very personable.  (and she makes delicious pancakes!!!)

My hubby explained he's dad to three... all adults... the oldest graduated college out of state, now working and doing exceptionally well... and two estranged adopted kids.

This lady said, "let me guess... REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER, right?"

It turns out one of her daughters is parenting a RAD adopted child. 

My husband said it was the FIRST TIME since our kids melted down and attacked him where the subject of our kids came up in casual conversation and he face-to-face encountered a "church person" who REALLY got it... She shone love and GENUINE understanding... AND didn't leave him feeling like a judged schmuck.

My sweet hubby said he felt afterwards SO GOOD to be REALLY understood!!!


Hearing of my hubby's encounter had me burst out in tears...
happy tears.

Let's keep educating... anyone who will listen!!!!

                            People really don't need to be on the inside track to understand this.  

I'm convinced I need to develop my RAD "elevator speech" trying to hone a concise explanation of RAD without going on ad-nauseum.

Almost everyone knows an adoptive family in crisis!!!!

I haven't perfected my "elevator speech" but I'm getting there... you may have noticed already... I tend to be "wordy."