Ain't Nobody A Better Mommy for My Baby Than Me!

I have always loved caring for children. 

I studied Early Child Development at a large university. 

Before I had children, I worked at a Day Care Center...  and I was so very grateful to have my first baby "come to work" with me! 

In caring for other people's children, I'd noticed a theme... I call it the "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Of course the bulk of children I'd cared for had all been very well cared for by loving/attentive parents who would strive to provide the very best for their precious children. 

I'd giggle quietly to myself as each mommy would explain in great detail precisely how her baby needed his butt wiped, his food cut, to be burped after every two ounces of formula.  One mommy was concerned her daughter was outgrowing all the beautiful baby dresses friends had given.  Mommy packed four beautiful brand new outfits a day and NEEDED me to change her princess into those outfits during the 8 hours she was in my care every day M-F.  I'd always heed mommy's advice... well, except I probably slacked on the 2-hour costume change request!  Ha ha!  That was over 30 years ago... the child very distinct name.  I just peeked at FB and she's out there... all grown up... but has privacy set so her profile picture is hidden.  I wonder if she has grown up to be the fashion diva her mommy wanted her to be.

Anyway... I noticed this "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in pretty much every parent I had encountered.  It's normal.  Some parents are more ferocious about that quality than others.  I'm not offended when I encounter it from the mom of a child I care for.    I've noticed the syndrome in myself.

When my then childless baby sister (2nd to youngest of 7 kids) began working daycare, she'd be quite devastated by the "critiques" of the mom's she'd encounter in the line of work.   "Do they realize how many diapers I've changed?  Don't they think I know what I'm doing?????!!!!!"  I'd encourage her to relax, it's not personal... it's "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Well years have passed, and Sis has been a mommy for almost 6 years now... and from time to time she shares frustrations about how her children's teacher's, babysitters, caregivers are FAILING her children by failing to heed her parental wisdom.  When that happens I get to talk my sis down memory lane about how she felt being criticized by parents experiencing "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... it's not personal, and if we want them to heed our advice, the less obnoxious we are in presenting "our advice" the more receptive our child's caregiver will be to oblige and think sweet thoughts about our little angels in their care. 

As I mentioned earlier MOST of the children in my care have only had nurturing, attentive, wonderful care. 

Back in Day Care days there were a couple of kids in sad situations.  Two with regularly drunken dads, and one child was one confirmed victim of repeated child-abuse by mommy's boyfriend.... social services was involved and would visit the school from time to time to update reports, or follow up on new claims.  During one visit to the school, I flat-out asked the social worker "how can you allow this child to keep returning home where he gets cigarette burns up and down all four of his limbs and gets bruises the size of his body?!!!!!!"  The social worker replied "we like to keep families together!  ... and it's not the mom who is hurting the child, it's the boyfriend."   ACK!!!!

Best case scenario is usually "Ain't nobody a better mommy for a baby than bio mom" ... in MOST cases.  

Sometimes intervention is needed. 

Two (almost three) of our children became ours because intervention was needed. 

I've heard a lot of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" advice from a lot of mommies over the years. 

The day our "foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" moved into our home the advice we got from "suddenly retiring after having our foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" foster parents was... "You won't need to spend a lot on groceries!  They don't eat much.  The girls ONLY eat mashed potatoes.  The boy ONLY drinks Orange Juice in a bottle." 

We didn't even try to follow that advice!  It did not seem nurturing, nor loving, nor wise.  Our family pediatrician said "no more juice, it's better for him to eat his fruit than drink it" and encouraged us to not feel guilty about withholding mashed potatoes... just keep on presenting "healthy options" they will eat. We did, and they did.  But oh, there was charm, and stubbornness, and triangulation, and testing. 

I recognized in myself the potential for "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... but this situation was different... my position was more... "justified."  

When the "helpful advice" was given, I hadn't yet been introduced to Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I felt justified in my "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... I was GLAD that foster couple had decided to "retire."   (I secretly wondered if they had been "forced" to retire.)   Certainly my brand new "babies" (ages 2.5, a week from 6, and 13) had OBVIOUSLY NOT been "nurtured" for the three months they were in that couple's care. 

Then we got to see the united front the three half-bio-siblings put up to "fight" us on their "dietary needs." Woah... it was hard to blame the old couple for not having the fortitude to maintain the battle. 

The retired couple wanted to visit.  We invited them to come.  First words out of "Mama L"'s mouth was how thin our son had gotten since they had cared for him.Her words blatantly oozed  "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me!"   In our care our son had grown into the "average" zone for height and weight.  If you read a touch of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in that sentence... good eye... 'cause it's there! 

I've tempered my judgment of our children's prior foster couple with understanding of how exactly "strong willed" our new kids were... combined with the knowledge that all moms tend to believe "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" ...even if "our babies" are only "ours" for a short period of time.  I know from working in schools it's tough to see "my kids" from "my classroom" move up to the next grade.  Caring for children... really caring for children... then letting them go, more than tugs at my heartstrings.  Even in classroom settings my hope has always been as I let go that the people that have "my" students next will be as caring, as nurturing, as I had been. 

Fast Forward 17.5 years post-adopting RAD. 

I understand RAD more and more as I view Parenting RAD through the rear-view mirror. 

Our Adult RAD kids have RADtypically triangulated gullible people to become their "new mommies and daddies."   Those people believe about our kids "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me."
Only the "babies" they claim have never been theirs. 

They blame us for our children's problems... Kinda like we blamed the retiring foster couple Mr and Mrs "Momma L" who had our kids three months before they moved into our home. 

Our "officially diagnosed" RAD had 17 foster families/failed adoption placements before she came home to us.  Her problems have nothing to do with  Mr and Mrs "Momma L."  Her problems have nothing to do with us. 

Our Adult RADkid's RADtypically triangulated rescuers don't understand... like we didn't understand... the problems our children have began loooooong before we ever knew them... and long before they spent three months with Mr and Mrs "Momma L."

Blissful Ignorance and a Rearview Mirror

Yesterday, seated behind my hubby at lunch, there was a woman and two young boys (about 10 years old?) I assumed they were mother and sons.

One kid pretty much had his face to the plate and was gobbling his food. The other one was so sweet... so attentive, so sincere, communicative, from time to time he'd offer his mom a taste of something she had asked about on his plate. I got teary... remembering when my son was in "the beautiful years"

Billy noticed me tearing up and asked what was bothering me... all I could choke out was "I'll tell you in the car" 'cause I was on the verge of the big ugly cry.

Hubby goes into "surveillance mode" looking for any of the usual faces of betrayal (who we knew via the church we raised the kids in) that might be in our midst... he says "oh, I see... is that Lisa over there?" Nodding toward the large woman with curly blonde hair and glasses...

Just a few seconds before hubby thinks he's solved it...  directly behind my hubby... facing me, is the charming  distraction that drove me to the brink of sobbing.  The boy says loudly and clearly "My mom NEVER packs me any lunch!"

I tell my hubby "No, it's not Lisa... oh and Crisis Averted" and in one second I go from choked up to giggling the sad giggle with the realization that the "charming little boy" was probably more like our son than I ever realized!

Part of me wants to go back through the beautiful years, now that I UNDERSTAND the diagnosis of RAD so much better... and realize how sick they probably have always been... while I was blissfully ignorant.

Part of me is so very grateful to have been clueless!

RAD, Four Letter Words, & Cussing

This topic came up in a cyber-RAD-support group. 

My response is long... so I'm making it a blog. 

When I first met our son outside of the "Sea-World Adoption Day" event, I didn't even think he could talk.

He was two-and-a-half, but looked much younger...
He was wayyy off the charts for height and weight (small)
and he was a diaper butt.  As a matter of fact all he had on was a diaper.

He didn't say a word.

He sure was a cutie though!

When he and his two half sisters came for their first-ever-pre-adoption-placement visit to our home... I was shocked... the kid could speak... not only a word or three... But he spoke in complete sentences with correct grammar!!!  He totally took me by surprise. 

Shortly after our family of three became a family of six I  did get to see his temper.

But I was prepared!
I had studied early child development in college.

I had worked with tiny tots seemingly forever... and... 

worked "behavior modification" with multiply disabled kids... 

*ALL my professional education/and experience trained me to KNOW to ignore most negative behavior issues with little ones and it won't take long before there are no more issues. 

*(The ignore-to-extinguish-behaviors technique 

btw NEVER worked for  our son's   "officially diagnosed RAD  " sister.  

She would escalate and exacerbate to meltdowns

I NEVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE 

until behaviors were directly addressed and dealt with... 

EVERY SINGLE TIME. 
That was one of the key puzzling issues 

that indicated to her counselor our new daughter had much bigger issues.  

It did not take long before 

she was referred to psychiatrist MD and  diagnosed RAD.  

We were encouraged to by our daughter's Psych-team to 

  "nip EVERYTHING in the bud  "  to help prevent future meltdowns. )

One day our new little diaper-butt son wanted something... I don't remember what, but  

the answer was "no." 

He threw a MAJOR drop-to-the-floor-kicking-screaming-punching/blocking-the-doorway tantrum.

I calmly quietly carried my laundry basket over his little loud convulsing body and went into the next room to sit and fold clothes.

He was SHOCKED!

He got quiet IMMEDIATELY!

He quietly picked his little self up and DRAMATICALLY dropped to the floor in front of my laundry basket to "continue" his tantrum! 
 


It took all the strength within me not to crack up laughing. 

I never saw that kind of tantrum from him again.... ever. 

Our son has grown into our never offically diagnosed
"inhibited RAD  "
With passive/aggressive- passive/defiant behaviors.
He was challenging to parent/easy to love

during the first three years, 

but not nearly as challenging as our 

" offically diagnosed disinhibited RAD " Daughter!!!
During our  "Ten Beautiful Years "  Our son was truly delightful 

He became his worst when

his officially Dx'd RAD sister returned from college 

and began triangulating him (and the world) against us. 

I wonder in-hindsight if the technique of ignoring negative behaviors to extinction
actually contributed in some way to his "inhibited RAD  " behaviors. 

Well, in the short time the kids had been with us, I saw in our son an AWESOME eagerness to "help out."  He loved to be assigned things.  (I'd call "OOOOOhhhhhhh Recycling Boy!!!!!" like I was calling for a super-hero whenever a newspaper, can or bottle needed to go into the recycle-bin... he absolutely LOVED to help!)

Well one day our new son was wandering aimlessly and pushing around a chair to entertain himself. 
(He loved to climb was all over everything all the time.)  I asked him to turn on the light so I could read.  Again... he was THRILLED.  (I didn't really NEED a light on... I just liked to ask him to do little things because it ALWAYS made him so happy that I might need his help!) 


I had forgotten I even asked him to turn on a light.  

As I was reading (in dim light) I heard my new son's ADORABLE little high pitched voice "let loose" with EVERY curse word I had EVER heard...EVER!  

...and USED IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT!!!! 

His oldest half-bio-sister (13) was quite proud of the fact she had worked HARD to teach him well during the ONLY three months they EVER lived together (as a special needs sibling group ready for adoption) before being placed in our home to finalize. 

Well I knew ignoring negative behaviors worked WELL with him!!!
So I kept my nose in the newspaper...  

AND the OBSCENITIES continued to fly out of his mouth!!!

                             ...and continued

...and continued                       

...and continued...  They were not slowing down!!!

 

I looked up... my new little son had dragged a chair to the BACK of our greatroom... where there was a 6 switch wall plate operating our outdoor floodlights, patio lighting etc...
My son would flip one, look back to where I was sitting, curse, flip another, look back curse, ...and so on and so on and so on... Each time his little mouth opened it was a new set/formation of curse words.  Each time they were used "in the right context!"

I said "OH, HONEY!!!!  THE LIGHT SWITCH YOU NEED TO TURN ON IS RIGHT THERE!"  I pointed across from me.

He happily pushed his chair to the other half of the great room and switched the light.  I gave him big hugs kisses and cuddled and thanked him for his awesome help.  I told him I was sorry I didn't tell him WHICH switch needed to be turned on.  All was right in the world... 

AND I NEVER HEARD 

ANOTHER CURSE WORD

OUT OF HIS MOUTH.  

EVER.  

However...
       ...about a year later, after we finalized adoption on two of the three originally placed. (Oldest ended up adopted, YES ADOPTED by her/not  "their  " bioDAD) We were FINALLY allowed to take our new kids out-of-state to meet their new extended family. 

We hit NY and I think the president was in town, some big dignitary was anyway... and it messed with traffic.  BIG TIME.   We ended up not moving more than three inches a mile for the next hour while roads were totally cleared for the procession of black cars with American flags at the front.  

The lady in the next car kept giving us a major dose of "stink-eye!"  

I asked my husband if he was aware of any driver faux-pas he might have made while we'd inch up and drop back each in our own lane... "Certainly you couldn't have cut her off!  We haven't REALLY moved!!!" 

We couldn't figure out for the life of us what that lady's problem was.  

I looked to the kids in the back seats. 

 The answer was clear.  

There was my precious little angel-faced -then- 3 1/2 year old son... flipping the lady off and giggling quietly to himself complete with happy feet at her reaction every-single-time.  My husband and I began laughing so hard (but trying to keep it so the kids didn't see our reaction) we were near tears!!!  

I reached around put his hand down, sternly told him "no!" I asked his older sisters to distract him... before we knew it we were moving again... 

And

I NEVER saw him

flip the bird

again.

  Ever!

I 

for the most part 

choose not to curse.   

(I must confess, every once-in-a-RARE-while,

I may indulge, "for effect." 

But it NEVER sits right with ME.  

It doesn't feel good to ME

And I have never been impressed 

by the fancy four lettered words 

coming out of MY mouth.)

Now... I'd like to point out that;
  I am not offended by curse words.   

I have MANY friends who are quite comfortable letting every word imaginable fly in by presence, in CREATIVE combinations I'd never imagine... I LOVE these people dearly AND I am not uncomfortable in their presence... I appreciate that they feel comfortable around me to "be themselves" and do not feel they  have to "edit" themselves in my presence!!!  

I am ALWAYS honored by the fact they trust me enough to be real. 

I have in my lifetime been FAR MORE offended by numerous "Why BLESS YOUR HEART!"-s  that I've gotten from church-y-people in church-y-circles where the "Bless your heart" people consider themselves "too holy" to allow "such words" to pass their lips, THAN I'VE EVER BEEN by "friendly" or heartfelt and un-edited "FU!" -s in "real" conversations with real (as opposed to plastic) people.  

I figure... what matters is the heart.  

Where is my heart while I am talking?!

Sometimes I'm even convicted 

by saying something seemingly harmless like 

"Oh fiddle sticks!" 

Because for ME what is important is where my heart is at!

For people offended by "cuss words" 

I'd like to challenge you to consider where your heart is at is, and what is your listener discerning in your message as you speak with-or-without cuss words?

Blowing Up the Bridge

"Blowing Up the Bridge:
This can be a helpful image for parents to remember to protect themselves from being set up for repeated  disappointment and frustration.

It works like this. Think of yourselves and your AD child  on opposite banks of a river with the goal being to bridge the river.

While the idea of “meeting halfway” seems the obvious plan, this can be a trap/mistake with many AD children. 

Why?
Your child has some success maybe a few good days at school or some unusually good behavior at home.

As parents, your hopes begin to rise, and you start walking out on the bridge to meet and congratulate your child. After you have gotten out on the bridge, your child “blows it up” with some new misbehavior that wipes out the previous spark of success.

Everyone winds up “in the river”.

You are feeling disappointed / frustrated / angry / betrayed.

Your AD child is feeling empowered: “Ha! I got them again.”

In order to avoid handing your child the power to disappoint you, you should stay on your side of the river and communicate your expectation that your child build the bridge all the way across with some reliable, real change.

You offer heartfelt congratulations only when your child steps off the bridge onto your side of the river.

It’s a matter of disciplined patience and timing on the parents’ part.

Your therapist can guide you in deciding when the child has accomplished sufficient change to be acknowledged"

The above passage is from an article

found in entirety at 

http://q87.com/rad/rad.synopsis.pdf

Author is not identified.  

I would LOVE to give credit where credit is due!!!  

(formatting, font size, boldness etc is mine)

*******************************************************************************

We have LIVED this over and over again.  We have learned through EXPERIENCE that we need to have compliance or we ALL will be devastated when "mid-bridge" our RADs bring out the "explosives."

We are not safe on the bridge with our RADkids.

"The Bridge" is a journey our kids need to make on their own... 

for the sake of their own mental health.  

Our "failure" as loving parents to "meet our kids halfway"
when correcting their RAD behaviors

has been perceived by some 

(ignorant of the complexities of RAD) 

to be "evidence" of

poor parenting at best 

and

"abuse" at absolute worst.