Just Giving Them the Love You Don't

Can you not see, that with your good intentions, you are actually hurting our children?!

The Kind of Mom I Wanted to Be

There was a woman who really inspired me as a kid.  She was a great role model for the kind of mom I wanted to be.  She was an adoptive mom.  I don't remember her name, I don't remember her daughter's name, but I do remember the kind of parents she and her husband were... and I wanted to be parents like them. 

Invested.  Interested.  Devoted. 

Mission accomplished.  It's nice to look back with confidence knowing I've achieved one of the hearts desires I've had as a life's goal. 

It was soooo cool to have been back in the old neighborhood seeing "their" house again.  I thought about knocking on the door... and letting them know what an impact they had made in my life.  The house looked like yuppies had taken over.  And I wasn't sure if their house was one in, or two in from the corner.  I opted not to knock and see. 

In my mind I wondered how a visit might have gone.  I wasn't so eager to see former friend who was my age, but I was eager to see her parents.  (I recall not especially liking her...but I really loved how her parents loved her!!!)

There was a part of me that wanted to hear about their brand of "happily ever after" regarding their adoption.  I wanted to hear how their kid "turned out."  I wanted to hear about their inspiration for adoption. 

The adoptive couple had introduced me to the card game "Bullshit!" where the purpose of the game is to lie again and again and get away with it. 

I wondered after raising RAD adoptees if that game was part of RADtastic parenting to cope with the profuse lying associated with Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

As we passed the street where their house was, I asked my mom if she remembered my friend from years gone by... Mom didn't... it's okay... I didn't remember their names either.   

Maybe I'll have the gumption to knock and inquire about them the next time I'm in town. 

Blowing Up the Bridge

"Blowing Up the Bridge:
This can be a helpful image for parents to remember to protect themselves from being set up for repeated  disappointment and frustration.

It works like this. Think of yourselves and your AD child  on opposite banks of a river with the goal being to bridge the river.

While the idea of “meeting halfway” seems the obvious plan, this can be a trap/mistake with many AD children. 

Why?
Your child has some success maybe a few good days at school or some unusually good behavior at home.

As parents, your hopes begin to rise, and you start walking out on the bridge to meet and congratulate your child. After you have gotten out on the bridge, your child “blows it up” with some new misbehavior that wipes out the previous spark of success.

Everyone winds up “in the river”.

You are feeling disappointed / frustrated / angry / betrayed.

Your AD child is feeling empowered: “Ha! I got them again.”

In order to avoid handing your child the power to disappoint you, you should stay on your side of the river and communicate your expectation that your child build the bridge all the way across with some reliable, real change.

You offer heartfelt congratulations only when your child steps off the bridge onto your side of the river.

It’s a matter of disciplined patience and timing on the parents’ part.

Your therapist can guide you in deciding when the child has accomplished sufficient change to be acknowledged"

The above passage is from an article

found in entirety at 

http://q87.com/rad/rad.synopsis.pdf

Author is not identified.  

I would LOVE to give credit where credit is due!!!  

(formatting, font size, boldness etc is mine)

*******************************************************************************

We have LIVED this over and over again.  We have learned through EXPERIENCE that we need to have compliance or we ALL will be devastated when "mid-bridge" our RADs bring out the "explosives."

We are not safe on the bridge with our RADkids.

"The Bridge" is a journey our kids need to make on their own... 

for the sake of their own mental health.  

Our "failure" as loving parents to "meet our kids halfway"
when correcting their RAD behaviors

has been perceived by some 

(ignorant of the complexities of RAD) 

to be "evidence" of

poor parenting at best 

and

"abuse" at absolute worst.