Adoptive parents, and adult adoptees alike... who have gone decades before us console us with the "normalness" of our adult adoptees behaviors.

When you take a minute and consider... It really does seem constant and natural...

...that those who had no say ...

...as their personal definition of family was changed... 

...EACH time social services stepped in...

...again, and again, and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again...  (19 "agains" are in honor of our adopted daughter's bio-parents, the 17 failed/foster/adoptive sets of parents before us, and us... her 19th set of parents who were blessed with her and her half biological siblings from different paths just about a week before that little girl turned six years old)

...whether social services intervened 

to rescue the child

 from their biological family's

 inability to keep the small child

 safe from abuses

no child should have to endure...

...or... 

...to rescue foster/adoptive parents

 from child originated abuses

 no parent should have to endure...

When these kids (whose core-reality-based definition of "Family" has been botched so many times in a child's lifetime) become adults... it is normal, constant and natural for them THROUGHOUT THEIR LIVES, to re-define and re-define who is REALLY and not really their REAL family...

The Gift of Giving... and the Most Extravagant Christmas

One day before the special needs sibling group of three children entered our home and doubled the size of our family, my husband was laid off from his job.  His boss had found out hubby's political views were different than his and that was the end of his employment there.  Hubby said in the exit interview, "You know I'm in the process of adopting three kids right?" 

His boss's reply... "Just tell them you can't take 'em!"

God carried us!

With double the family and far less than half the income, that first Christmas was lean... I wondered how we could "give" these kids anything more than a home and ourselves.

One day a few days before Christmas, our social worker showed up in a big station wagon filled to brimming with unwrapped brand new toys... she explained because it was a "foster-to-adopt" situation, she was able to get our kids some gifts the community had donated for foster kids... even though, as far as we were concerned, ... these kids were never foster kids in our home... they were "our family."

I thought we must be first on the list of deliveries, because, like I said... the station wagon was BRIMMING with toys.

I thought, wow... now the adoptees will have a gift, but our bio child will have none...

Let me just tell those who don't already know how very much it sucks as a parent to feel like you're unable to provide all you'd like to for the kids God has blessed you with.  Simply put, Dear Hubby and I felt like failures.  Our social worker encouraged us that despite hubby's recent unemployment, we were able to provide our children a safe, nurturing, loving home, and unaddicted parents... which is far more than their unemployed bio family was able to provide.   

Choked up, I thanked the social worker as she handed me a couple of gifts out of the car and I turned back toward the house.

The social worker asked, "Where are you going????"  Everything in this station wagon is for your family!!!!

I couldn't believe how very generous people had been!!!!!

It is SOOOOOO HUMBLING to be the receiver of such generosity!!!!

There were some duplicates of items... some things we already owned... those gifts provided us the opportunity to GIVE to others. 

"Giving" is my absolute favorite Christmas gift!

This morning's TV news "feel good" holiday stories of generosity reaching out to underprivileged people in the community brought me back to the year we had the most extravagant Christmas ever...

I still just can't thank people enough for being so generous!!!!  

Catching Up With an Old Friend

My hubby loves to fiddle with computers.  He considered making a business of it, but could never bring himself to charge much more than the part itself.  I encouraged him to do the work as a ministry to others... charging only for what he might need to lay out for a part he doesn't have.  He LOVES helping others... and he loves fiddling with computers... perfect match.

A friend I keep up with, sent a mutual friend I've not seen nor heard from in YEARS our way to see if DH could help solve computer woes.

The call came through me... and me and my friend from long ago got to "catch up."

This old friend knew me from "pre-adoption" days.   She knew me quite well through the "hoping to adopt soon" days.  We lost contact in the "gee adopting these kids requires so much more of my attention than I imagined, but I'm glad to give them what they need" stage.

In some ways it seems like only yesterday we were spending quality time together, in other ways it seems like ten lifetimes ago.  It was good to "catch up."

I noticed something as I was updating my friend on what's going on since we last spoke... my perspective of this ordeal is less focused on my pain.

 I kept emphasizing despite how very painful the RADtypical behaviors are for my husband daughter and me; we, the family scorned, we are certain our estranged adoptees must be hurting to extremes we simply can not imagine.


  

Holidays and Estranged RADs

Our oldest is visiting and we are LOVING our time with our still sweet and cuddly, capable of reciprocating love child.

We all are having fun with the new puppy... what a nice treat to have the pitter patter of his little feet around the house!!!

Cousins will come up to visit while our daughter is here... and everything has been quite joyous.

We do have our moments. 

Today for example shopping in a store that was completely decked out for the holidays... Christmas music was playing... and my hubby grumbled... "I HATE Christmas!"

I told him I loved him, and I loved the fact that I get to spend Christmas with him...

My sweet tenderhearted hubby who loves our children so very much burst out crying "Our family is broken!  I hate it!  This is not what Christmas is supposed to be!" 

I've been trying to balance the pain associated with RADtypical attacks against us, with the knowledge that truly this is NOT personal, it's mental illness... I wondered tonight if our RADs are capable of empathy... are the capable of realizing their behaviors cause pain, and be sorry for it. 

I remembered when our kids were first placed with us... our new daughter was very concerned for the people she'd seen sleeping under the bridge.  That seems pretty darned empathetic. 

I also remember it taking seemingly forever for them to be sorry for more than getting caught... BUT when they finally would "get it" they'd get it... and demonstrate what appeared to be appropriate regret and sorrow for hurting others. 

So I'm encouraged through my memories of who they were... and we're still praying for them... alot!!!

As much as 3.5 years later our pre-adoption core family is coping SO MUCH BETTER than we have been since the RAD's conjoined meltdown and attack against us... it still sucks knowing we have poured every good thing we have into children who are "done" with us... not just "done and gone" but done, gone, and still "working" the "poor pathetic abused orphan" game for whomever knows us,  is willing to listen, and reward them with money, gifts, time and attention in exchange for the entertainment their concocted tales of woe provide.    

Anyway... I'm trying to focus more on the awesome things God gives us... and there is certainly to be very grateful for!  We keep praying for all... and we're so very grateful to know we are not the only adoptive parents going through this.

Happy Thanksgiving!