Young Love... And Parental Manipulation

At 21 years of age...
Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee was "rescued" from us into the home of a manipulative woman who about a year prior admittedly planned from her inner-circle which young women  WOULD marry EACH  of her sons.

While RAD was starting on the brink of exploding... Before we had any inkling of what RAD would do next... That woman openly shared with me her secret plans for our youngest daughter to marry her youngest son. I firmly and kindly responded I thought it would be wonderful to allow our kids to make their own decisions about marriage.

Not yet understanding RAD, but knowing our adoptee well,  I never shared this woman's confessions along-those-lines with our daughter because although I didn't yet have the terminology to articulate behaviors we'd seen in our "officially diagnosed" adoptee,  we understood the concept that the cause and effect reasoning part of her brain had consistently shown evidence of not fully operating.

RAD doesn't make kids stupid...

 Our daughter is quite smart actually.  

She entered college at age 14. 

Was one B short of 4.0.  

She's smart and cute.

She used to easily memorize and regurgitate facts.

"BLUE is the answer! 

The answer is BLUE!     

What is the answer?????"

"..... Ummmm..... blue?"

"YES! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   

In accordance with her illness...

  Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee always had trouble processing the MEANING of information.

It's not at all that she'd NEVER "get it"...

just most times she'll have data...

and assume illogical meanings when asked to process information.   

Not her fault.  

Just one of the nuances of a young brain exposed to early trauma.

I didn't want to risk for a minute that our daughter would misinterpret the woman who would eventually become her "savior mommy"'s aspirations as plans she should pursue.    

Our daughter never for one minute expressed romantic interest in "savior mommy's" baby boy.

I recently had the opportunity to ask a few questions to another mom on the brink of "saving" a sweet young girl (in the system, not her fault) from the latest parents...

...A young girl this woman hopes will "someday" marry her son.

Some of the questions I asked this potential "savior mommy" to consider...   

1) Do you think it may be possible that this sweet beautiful young girl you want to save, and hope will marry your son may be behaving quite differently with you in your home than she does in the home that is establishing boundaries for safety and has the responsibility of keeping her safe?

2) What if you've contracted to become guardian and things don't work out romantically between her and the child you hope she'll marry?

3) Is it possible, once your role in her life changes,  this teen may eventually give you the same challenges she's presenting to her current caregivers?

4) Is there a way you can be supportive of this girl, AND her current caregivers, while encouraging this girl to be taking her own steps as a young teen toward responsible adulthood (for example resume attending HS, get a job... Etc.) while encouraging her to be so much less a teenage "victim" who needs to marry your child so she can be rescued her from this unfair life of living with adult caregivers whose reasonable rules at times don't facilitate these young lovers from living the  romantic wonderland they feel entitled to... to the fullest?

5)  Don't you want your child to be married to someone because they really love each other, not because one was in a bad situation and needed to be rescued?

6) Are you aware kids who bounce around the system make false allegations?

7) It's entirely possible the young lovers are sexually active... What repercussion might there be if you take her in as a her legal guardian and don't prevent your legally-adult child from engaging with this minor sexually in your home?    
 
8) Does your career allow you to earn money while officials investigate any strife she might cause against you as her new and improved caregiver who might try to establish rules and limits within your family's home that she as a young teen might naturally object to?

9) Wouldn't it be best to love, appreciate and hope for your "future daughter-in-law" while continuing to encourage the young-in-love couple  to work diligently towards achieving milestones of independent adult responsibilities to help establish their "true-love" on the strongest possible foundation for their "happily ever after?"

Ack.

I do want to confirm.... I told this parent, many times throughout our conversations I AM honestly a believer in young love.  Just one week after turning 20, I married the boy I had taken to prom a few years prior.

We're still head-over-heels in love...

Just with my recent experiences... involving "system kids"... 

(Oh how I hate to assert there is a "system-kid" mentality!!!!!!!!!!!!  

...If only our experiences would have kept us blissfully ignorant!)

....So many aspects of all this woman  shared of her child's romance and her own desire to save his  beloved has me so-very concerned...

Turns out their family opted to not take on guardianship... For now. 

RAD Damages the Cause and Effect Reasoning Part of the Brain

Everything I've read about RAD says the early trauma (primarily between conception and age three) that causes Reactive Attachment Disorder "damages" the "cause and effect reasoning" part of the RAD affected brain. 

I keep seeing that damage more and more evident as our estranged Adult RAD keeps making more and more dangerous choices. 

I know from parenting her...

When she doesn't "get it," she just doesn't get it. 

So often she doesn't easily recognize what would be obvious "red flags" of DANGER to most others.

Her self chosen estrangement as a young adult with Reactive Attachment Disorder is not as cheery and problem free as it might appear to those caught in the trenches of parenting young RAD, daydreaming of getting a break once their little RADs embrace adulthood and FINALLY move out. 

For our RADs...

RAD is still RAD. 

Our inhibited one, pretty much has dropped off the face of the planet and is living his "happily ever after" as the son his friend's parent's never had.  He, from time to time, becomes quite his older-half-bio-disinhibeted-RAD-sister's puppet.  When she's not pulling strings... he's completely uninvolved. 

The "disinhibited" one keeps pushing us away, yet keeps orchestrating stunts to involve us remotely through family she has disowned, but tries to triangulate against us. 

Many of our adoptees RAD symptoms appeared to lay dormant during the "ten beautiful years." 

The symptoms have awakened...
...and the "grown up" version is worse than we ever saw in when our RADs were little. 

So there's brain damage,
and typical symptoms of their particular brand of mental illness.
Please don't think for a minute RAD is stupid.  Academically, our RADs achieved numerous honors in their post-homeschool education.  Our RADs can easily memorize and regurgitate facts that have been presented to them. 

Where our "disinhibited" RADdaughter especially has difficulty is deducing cause and effect... understanding how her choices affect her circumstances. 

Our adoptees' illness, RAD, helps our adoptees manipulate situations so they always appear the victim. 

One might think, as masters of manipulation they'd easily recognize when they are being manipulated.  We've not found that to be the case. 

When it comes to endangering themselves... it seems the damaged cause and effect reasoning part of their brain frequently prevents them from seeing impending danger and "natural" consequences that follow their chosen actions.

Well... RAD orchestrated quite a whirlwind this past week. 

Or she was manipulated into it. 

She managed to be involved in quite possibly criminal activity surrounding a crisis that took her on a whirlwind trip from (less than 15 minutes from our current home) where she lives and works, to more than 1,000 miles away (smack-dab in the middle of where our extended family lives.) 

She invited some of the more gullible people in our family (interesting, they are the ones she despised most as she was growing up) to meet her for a social visit in the middle of this very shady whirlwind trip. 

Our bio-daughter warned the gullible family members to beware of appearing to be involved in the very shady, very dangerous exchange. 

I fully doubt our RAD daughter would have been tempted to fly in "as an emergency" be a part of a similar very shady and dangerous sounding "rescue" had it taken her 1,000 miles away from all our extended family. 

It's RAD. 

I  doubt our RAD daughter sees the shady/dangerous part of it all. 

It's RAD.  It's that damaged cause and effect reasoning part of the brain thing. 

I sincerely doubt our Reactive Attachment Disordered daughter would be a willing participant in what she fully UNDERSTANDS to be illegal activity. 

I believe even as skilled a manipulator she is, the damaged cause and effect reasoning part of her brain prevent her from being fully aware that others are manipulating her into very dangerous situations. 

There's the part of RAD that is "eager to please" strangers.  I've seen the masks they wear wanting to be all things to all people. 

It's as if they're screaming to the world...
"I'll do whatever you want me to as long as you love me... you see... my parents never loved me!"

There's different kinds of people out there in the big world...

...some that will hear RAD's cry and take them in and "shelter" them from the parents who have lovingly been present, seeking the best for their children, and enduring much at the hands of their disease...

...some that will see  RAD's vulnerability and exploit it as much as they can benefit from it...

... my favorite people are those who see through RAD's masks and encourage the RAD afflicted to seek healing, and seek restored relationships the parents who have only ever loved them.


As loving parents, we continue to pray for intervention... whatever it takes for our daughter to be safe and healed. 

Whatever it takes for her to be safe and healed. 

Whatever it takes.