At 21 years of age...
Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee was "rescued" from us into the home of a manipulative woman who about a year prior admittedly planned from her inner-circle which young women WOULD marry EACH of her sons.
While RAD was starting on the brink of exploding... Before we had any inkling of what RAD would do next... That woman openly shared with me her secret plans for our youngest daughter to marry her youngest son. I firmly and kindly responded I thought it would be wonderful to allow our kids to make their own decisions about marriage.
Not yet understanding RAD, but knowing our adoptee well, I never shared this woman's confessions along-those-lines with our daughter because although I didn't yet have the terminology to articulate behaviors we'd seen in our "officially diagnosed" adoptee, we understood the concept that the cause and effect reasoning part of her brain had consistently shown evidence of not fully operating.
Our daughter never for one minute expressed romantic interest in "savior mommy's" baby boy.
I recently had the opportunity to ask a few questions to another mom on the brink of "saving" a sweet young girl (in the system, not her fault) from the latest parents...
Some of the questions I asked this potential "savior mommy" to consider...
1) Do you think it may be possible that this sweet beautiful young girl you want to save, and hope will marry your son may be behaving quite differently with you in your home than she does in the home that is establishing boundaries for safety and has the responsibility of keeping her safe?
2) What if you've contracted to become guardian and things don't work out romantically between her and the child you hope she'll marry?
3) Is it possible, once your role in her life changes, this teen may eventually give you the same challenges she's presenting to her current caregivers?
4) Is there a way you can be supportive of this girl, AND her current caregivers, while encouraging this girl to be taking her own steps as a young teen toward responsible adulthood (for example resume attending HS, get a job... Etc.) while encouraging her to be so much less a teenage "victim" who needs to marry your child so she can be rescued her from this unfair life of living with adult caregivers whose reasonable rules at times don't facilitate these young lovers from living the romantic wonderland they feel entitled to... to the fullest?
5) Don't you want your child to be married to someone because they really love each other, not because one was in a bad situation and needed to be rescued?
6) Are you aware kids who bounce around the system make false allegations?
7) It's entirely possible the young lovers are sexually active... What repercussion might there be if you take her in as a her legal guardian and don't prevent your legally-adult child from engaging with this minor sexually in your home?
8) Does your career allow you to earn money while officials investigate any strife she might cause against you as her new and improved caregiver who might try to establish rules and limits within your family's home that she as a young teen might naturally object to?
9) Wouldn't it be best to love, appreciate and hope for your "future daughter-in-law" while continuing to encourage the young-in-love couple to work diligently towards achieving milestones of independent adult responsibilities to help establish their "true-love" on the strongest possible foundation for their "happily ever after?"
Ack.
I do want to confirm.... I told this parent, many times throughout our conversations I AM honestly a believer in young love. Just one week after turning 20, I married the boy I had taken to prom a few years prior.
Just with my recent experiences... involving "system kids"...
(Oh how I hate to assert there is a "system-kid" mentality!!!!!!!!!!!!
....So many aspects of all this woman shared of her child's romance and her own desire to save his beloved has me so-very concerned...
Turns out their family opted to not take on guardianship... For now.
Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee was "rescued" from us into the home of a manipulative woman who about a year prior admittedly planned from her inner-circle which young women WOULD marry EACH of her sons.
While RAD was starting on the brink of exploding... Before we had any inkling of what RAD would do next... That woman openly shared with me her secret plans for our youngest daughter to marry her youngest son. I firmly and kindly responded I thought it would be wonderful to allow our kids to make their own decisions about marriage.
Not yet understanding RAD, but knowing our adoptee well, I never shared this woman's confessions along-those-lines with our daughter because although I didn't yet have the terminology to articulate behaviors we'd seen in our "officially diagnosed" adoptee, we understood the concept that the cause and effect reasoning part of her brain had consistently shown evidence of not fully operating.
RAD doesn't make kids stupid...
Our daughter is quite smart actually.
She entered college at age 14.
Was one B short of 4.0.
She's smart and cute.
She used to easily memorize and regurgitate facts.
"BLUE is the answer!
The answer is BLUE!
What is the answer?????"
"..... Ummmm..... blue?"
"YES! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
In accordance with her illness...
Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee always had trouble processing the MEANING of information.
It's not at all that she'd NEVER "get it"...
just most times she'll have data...
and assume illogical meanings when asked to process information.
Not her fault.
Just one of the nuances of a young brain exposed to early trauma.
I didn't want to risk for a minute that our daughter would misinterpret the woman who would eventually become her "savior mommy"'s aspirations as plans she should pursue.
Our daughter never for one minute expressed romantic interest in "savior mommy's" baby boy.
I recently had the opportunity to ask a few questions to another mom on the brink of "saving" a sweet young girl (in the system, not her fault) from the latest parents...
...A young girl this woman hopes will "someday" marry her son.
1) Do you think it may be possible that this sweet beautiful young girl you want to save, and hope will marry your son may be behaving quite differently with you in your home than she does in the home that is establishing boundaries for safety and has the responsibility of keeping her safe?
2) What if you've contracted to become guardian and things don't work out romantically between her and the child you hope she'll marry?
3) Is it possible, once your role in her life changes, this teen may eventually give you the same challenges she's presenting to her current caregivers?
4) Is there a way you can be supportive of this girl, AND her current caregivers, while encouraging this girl to be taking her own steps as a young teen toward responsible adulthood (for example resume attending HS, get a job... Etc.) while encouraging her to be so much less a teenage "victim" who needs to marry your child so she can be rescued her from this unfair life of living with adult caregivers whose reasonable rules at times don't facilitate these young lovers from living the romantic wonderland they feel entitled to... to the fullest?
5) Don't you want your child to be married to someone because they really love each other, not because one was in a bad situation and needed to be rescued?
6) Are you aware kids who bounce around the system make false allegations?
7) It's entirely possible the young lovers are sexually active... What repercussion might there be if you take her in as a her legal guardian and don't prevent your legally-adult child from engaging with this minor sexually in your home?
8) Does your career allow you to earn money while officials investigate any strife she might cause against you as her new and improved caregiver who might try to establish rules and limits within your family's home that she as a young teen might naturally object to?
9) Wouldn't it be best to love, appreciate and hope for your "future daughter-in-law" while continuing to encourage the young-in-love couple to work diligently towards achieving milestones of independent adult responsibilities to help establish their "true-love" on the strongest possible foundation for their "happily ever after?"
Ack.
I do want to confirm.... I told this parent, many times throughout our conversations I AM honestly a believer in young love. Just one week after turning 20, I married the boy I had taken to prom a few years prior.
We're still head-over-heels in love...
Just with my recent experiences... involving "system kids"...
(Oh how I hate to assert there is a "system-kid" mentality!!!!!!!!!!!!
...If only our experiences would have kept us blissfully ignorant!)
....So many aspects of all this woman shared of her child's romance and her own desire to save his beloved has me so-very concerned...
Turns out their family opted to not take on guardianship... For now.
