Family Matters... Genetics Matter

There are times where I'm so happy for me, and simultaneously sad for not only our adoptees, but all adoptees... and "step" kids.  This is one of those times.  Doors are opening leading to some interesting  reconnections with my extended family members.  Such cool opportunities, but exactly the kind of thing if our adoptees were still in the picture, I might have tiptoed away from... to have spared their hurt feelings.

In various situations I've observed how the "really-related, but not quite really really" whether step or adopted relate to the non-bloodline relatives.  I've never seen, nor heard anyone but the "steps" hesitantly and awkwardly discuss the "really-related, but not quite really really" thing.  There always seems to be so much pain for the child who is "really-related, but not quite really really" no matter how much everyone around them insists they REALLY are part of the family.  Having read Nancy Verrier's Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up I was especially interested in her discussion of the importance and impact a lack of genetic mirroring causes in adopted individuals. 

It is so politically incorrect in adoption circles to talk about genetic significance... As adoptive parents we want the world to sing to our children that they BELONG in our family... and they are loved.  We want to protect our kids from the slightest whisper that they might not really be a part of our family.

I believe Genetic significance is an issue that boldly presents itself in every non-bio adoption... whether we pretend it's invisible or not... and NEEDS to be discussed for our kids optimal health.  It seems pretending genetic significance is unimportant only assists our adoptees in lingering in other unhealthy worlds of make-believe.  Genetics matter.  Family history matters.  Not discussing genetic significance early and often as a matter of fact, loving manner betrays our children as much as the mirror betrays their fit in our families every time they look at us, and look at themselves in a mirror.  Getting everyone talking about it... not pretending differences don't exist... not hush hushing and getting offended when the subject comes up helps us all keep our kids rooted in love and truth. 

I believe our kids' lack of genetic mirroring plays a big part in what pushes them on their quest to reject us and define and create a place where they feel they belong... where they "really feel" they are part of a family.  

Currently I'm thrilled to have extended family connections being made overseas... and it is a happy kind of excited time for me!  

Can anyone relate to my excitement of unearthing extended family information? 

As happy as I am for me... I do get a bit sad for our adoptees.  I hope some day they can find things that are cool and awesome and like them in their genetic line... that they can see themselves mirrored genetically if not in the generations that have preceded them, in the generations that follow them. 


Last Fall, my cousin's wife shared with me photos of my paternal grandparents.  Her mother-in-law had them in their belongings before she passed away.  These beautiful wonderful women... related to me "only" through marriage (and A LOT of love!!!!) have preserved tidbits of my genetic history I'd never seen before!!!!

I get a kick out of looking into those photos to see which of the relatives I know looks like which grand parent.  I'm curious if anyone might say they see a bit of me in their eyes, or nose or cheeks or hair or height or personality.  Genetics matter.

Certainly the best pedigree does not influence an iota of what any person accomplishes with the talents and means that life presents them with... having great talent, or wealth in no way makes a person prosperous nor grand.  We are each largely responsible for the person we use the talents and treasures bestowed upon us to become.

Genetics are not of paramount importance... but they do matter. 

The Best Husband in the World and I have future plans visit a place where I've heard my genetic family has culturally made quite an impact.  I'm definitely more excited than hubby about that part of our trip, because it's MY side of the family.  Hubby is still interested... just not as interested as I am.   Because through marriage he is "really-related, but not quite really really."

I'm not so much interested to see that side of the family's wealth, nor the dollar value of their contributions... I'm interested to see if I look carefully enough will see a bit of my grandfather in historic photos of that nation's benefactor.  I'm hoping to speak with people who knew and remember the benevolent distant relative because I hope to compare and contrast nuances I've seen along that family line... specifically both sharp wit and sparkling personalities.

On "the other side" of my family there is rumored within the family to have been a "family" castle that was "passed down" but at some point within the last 40? years abandoned because government taxes were too much of a burden for the one who had inherited it to have maintained the property.  Amongst my cousins there has been a very weak rally of "We should look into reclaiming" the abandoned inheritance.  Yeah, we're all a bit busy for that kind of treasure hunt... but it is fun to imagine what might be "ours."

My point is... When it comes to family... there are things that CAN BE INHERITED...

Family Matters... Genetics matter.

Of our children... one has the genetic disposition of not being born to alcoholic, drug addicts.  That one has a distinctly advantageous genetic make up.  It wasn't her choice... it wasn't ours, it's simply genetics.  Oh, if we could have selected genetic make up, for our kids we would have certainly selected all our children would get our adopted son's "easily athletic" genes that  our adopted daughter's the "doesn't catch colds" genes and our bio kid's "not mentally ill" genes.

There are "genetic line" things I would love to have saved our biokid from... mostly I would love to save her from the diabetic predisposition that runs on both bio sides of her family.  She's not diabetic yet, thank God... She works hard to keep it at bay.  The truth remains but she is predisposed through the genes both my parents passed to me, and my husband's parents passed to him, through the genes we passed to our bio daughter.

Oh what I would do to preserve our adoptees from the genetic predisposition to alcoholic/addictive lifestyles!!!  ...To my knowledge neither of our adoptees are acloholic/drug addicted yet, however, I do know their genetic history, and as likely our bio MAY develop diabetes, the bio-children-of-addicts whom we adopted MAY develop various addictions like their bio parents.

Sadly I see traits of a genetic syndrome that includes diabetes in our bio child...

And sadly I see traits of addictive personalities in our adoptees...

The video below was featured on aol today... because the teaser mentioned many things I'd read related to RAD and the fact the video was only about six minutes total I tuned in.  I know some who are parenting RAD diagnosed children deal with realities much harsher than we have experienced with our kids.  Mr Fallon discusses genetic predisposition, exposure to violence at certain times of development, and biology/chemistry of the human brain as all being contributing factors.

At around marker 4:03 Mr. Fallon tells how his Mom shares his "interesting" and violent family history.

For now, let's all hope for the best in all we've passed on to our children through the environments of our loving homes.

It's nice to know if an inherited old castle becomes too burdensome we can hope to abandon it... It would be nice if we could likewise  abandon the other burdensome things we inherit through family matters... genetic matters.
Around 4:03 in This TED Video, Jim Fallon talks about an interesting genetic fact regarding his family

Love Blocked, Healing the Adopted Heart

Patty Stanger's show the "Millionaire Matchmaker" is one of my not-so-secret-anymore television indulgences. 

I don't tune in regularly... but occasionally, when Bravo is running a string of her episodes back to back on a day I've chosen to spend too much time hugging the couch, I really enjoy tuning in. 

I'm a huge fan of love.  I love to pray for people to find "the one" and I love weddings! 

I fell in love with my high school sweetheart... married my prom date... this year my sweetie and I celebrate 30 years of wedded bliss that had it's first sparks oh-so many years ago in a 1980's roller disco.  Spandex, big hair, and the love of my life.   

It turns out Patty is adopted.  I've been impressed with how seemingly well adjusted she is, how successful she is in business.  I'm impressed, but not surprised.  As I've been trying to understand our adult-adoptees' choices, I've read LOTS about adopted adults.  I've read that many adoptees go on to do very well in their business lives, and tend to be kind of loners with a long string of short or shallow relationships in their personal lives.   

On Patty's show, as she's searched for information about her birth parents, she talks about feeling "blocked" from love, and she believes it has something to do with being adopted.  She's taken bold and public steps to heal that blockage.  So very good for you Patty!!!!!!

I'm guessing Patty probably doesn't have Reactive Attachment Disorder, however, I'm not surprised to hear that "adoption issues" still plague her as an adult. 

The same things I pray for our own adoptees, I'm praying for Patty.  I pray her wounded heart heals... I pray she can find Love, I believe Love has presented Itself to her many times throughout her life... I pray she will heal to the point where she can believe there really is Love out there for herself... I pray she will work to heal the wounds that lie and tell her she is unworthy of Love. 

I'm grateful for Patty, and other brave adoptees who share what their perception of life is like for them on the adult side of their life's journey as an adopted child... 

Adoption... Life Goes On

For what feels like several months, I believe I've finally reached the stage (post-conjoined meltdown RAD attack against us) where life is going on... pleasantly... and I don't feel the need to blurt adoption stuff to everyone who will listen.

HALLELUIAH!!!!

The nature of my line of work is I can work for months and months without running into a familiar face.

Recently I was working with a new-to-me person... and work was slow.... so before our first official break, we had LOTS of very pleasant "chit chat" opportunities discussing a myriad of various topics... none of them anywhere near adoption.

On our first "official" break... a familiar face approached (an adoptive mom who seemed in the past to blow off our parenting RAD adoptees experiences as irrelevant, uncommon, certainly nowhere near HER perfectly wonderful adoption x3 experiences.)  She had-in-hand an article that addressed the only difficulty she had ever before acknowledged  that she had encountered in adoption... expense.

With fresh beverages, the three of us sat in our break area... chatting.  This adoptive mom was very excited to have this published article explaining the financial difficulties that adoptive families overcome.  She was eager for me to read it right then, right there, on my break.  I didn't want to read it during my break but I promised I'd look it up online.  I told her she might be interested to know our estranged daughter has made contact... wants us to be involved our grandchild's life.

I was surprised when this formerly unsupportive woman replied "Be careful, it's a good start, but it will be a long journey before it's all better."  (Wow... I wondered what has transpired in her life to have inspired a more empathetic response to our adoption experience!)

This other Adoptive mom asked if our estranged pregnant daughter had gotten married?

I explained no, this was her first child, his fourth child.... then followed with "...it appears her inability to be in a reciprocally loving relationship has led her to a man with a history of not staying committed."

Insert several repeated "fake coughs" from our silent-in-this-conversation-until-now new-co-worker... followed by an awkwardly proclaimed "I'm adopted."

She went on to explain how she never-ever felt like she belonged to, nor was loved by her adoptive family.

I looked her in the eyes, and let her know she is not alone in her experience... and I could not speak to her family situation, because I knew nothing of it, but I wanted to let her know my husband's and my thoughts and prayers for ALL our children... and the SINCERE AND DEEPLY FELT LOVE we have for ALL our children... and how it breaks our hearts that our adopted kids have so much pain  ...that their pain is not their fault... but it's not ours either...

I also talked about books that I've read that address how significant genetic mirroring is... and that adoptees' "not belonging" feeling could be largely based on the "taboo-in-our-society" reality that genetically an adoptee doesn't typically "mirror" anyone in their adoptive family.

In adoptive circles it seems so "taboo" to discuss openly OBVIOUS differences.  It seems to be far more Politically Correct to pretend that there are no differences whatsoever between adoptee and adoptive parents. 

As my new friend discussed how she always had this feeling she didn't belong... I discussed our culture... and how timid we are to discuss openly the obvious under Political Correctness and "Manners."  

I suggested that perhaps the "I don't belong" feeling was not a failure of her adoptive parents to love her... but maybe instead a realization to the core that none of her genetic features that reflected herself back in the mirror were reflected in any of her adoptive family members.  The fact that it's seldom, if ever discussed... made to be "no big deal... we have love" might have been exactly what has been screaming at her that she "doesn't belong... never belonged."

My new friend and I talked quite a bit about the adoption thing... She shared with me what it was like with her first bio child... how that re-awakened the abandonment issues... and the "how could they leave me?" question.

On the flip side of our adoptees "conjoined meltdown" with all the knowledge I've acquired while trying to understand what has been driving their hate toward us... I keep wishing to go back in time and prepare my kids for that which "is common to those adopted out of foster care, or orphanages."

Knowing I can't go back... it is my hope to reach forward... to impact positively families traveling parallel paths of adoption out of Early Trauma. 

Meanwhile... in my "seldom see the same face twice" line of work... it appears 80%-90% of the people I'm encountering long enough to have conversations with lately are part of adoptive families...

...and for the last several months... I've not been the one bringing up adoption.

It appears my footsteps are ordained.