This topic came up in a cyber-RAD-support group.
My response is long... so I'm making it a blog.
When I first met our son outside of the "Sea-World Adoption Day" event, I didn't even think he could talk.
He was two-and-a-half, but looked much younger...
He was wayyy off the charts for height and weight (small)
and he was a diaper butt. As a matter of fact all he had on was a diaper.
He didn't say a word.
He sure was a cutie though!
When he and his two half sisters came for their first-ever-pre-adoption-placement visit to our home... I was shocked... the kid could speak... not only a word or three... But he spoke in complete sentences with correct grammar!!! He totally took me by surprise.
Shortly after our family of three became a family of six I did get to see his temper.
But I was prepared!
I had studied early child development in college.
*ALL my professional education/and experience trained me to KNOW to ignore most negative behavior issues with little ones and it won't take long before there are no more issues.
One day our new little diaper-butt son wanted something... I don't remember what, but
He threw a MAJOR drop-to-the-floor-kicking-screaming-punching/blocking-the-doorway tantrum.
I calmly quietly carried my laundry basket over his little loud convulsing body and went into the next room to sit and fold clothes.
He was SHOCKED!
He got quiet IMMEDIATELY!
He quietly picked his little self up and DRAMATICALLY dropped to the floor in front of my laundry basket to "continue" his tantrum!
It took all the strength within me not to crack up laughing.
I never saw that kind of tantrum from him again.... ever.
Well, in the short time the kids had been with us, I saw in our son an AWESOME eagerness to "help out." He loved to be assigned things. (I'd call "OOOOOhhhhhhh Recycling Boy!!!!!" like I was calling for a super-hero whenever a newspaper, can or bottle needed to go into the recycle-bin... he absolutely LOVED to help!)
Well one day our new son was wandering aimlessly and pushing around a chair to entertain himself.
(He loved to climb was all over everything all the time.) I asked him to turn on the light so I could read. Again... he was THRILLED. (I didn't really NEED a light on... I just liked to ask him to do little things because it ALWAYS made him so happy that I might need his help!)
I had forgotten I even asked him to turn on a light.
As I was reading (in dim light) I heard my new son's ADORABLE little high pitched voice "let loose" with EVERY curse word I had EVER heard...EVER!
His oldest half-bio-sister (13) was quite proud of the fact she had worked HARD to teach him well during the ONLY three months they EVER lived together (as a special needs sibling group ready for adoption) before being placed in our home to finalize.
Well I knew ignoring negative behaviors worked WELL with him!!!
So I kept my nose in the newspaper...
AND the OBSCENITIES continued to fly out of his mouth!!!
...and continued
for the most part
I have in my lifetime been FAR MORE offended by numerous "Why BLESS YOUR HEART!"-s that I've gotten from church-y-people in church-y-circles where the "Bless your heart" people consider themselves "too holy" to allow "such words" to pass their lips, THAN I'VE EVER BEEN by "friendly" or heartfelt and un-edited "FU!" -s in "real" conversations with real (as opposed to plastic) people.
For people offended by "cuss words"
My response is long... so I'm making it a blog.
When I first met our son outside of the "Sea-World Adoption Day" event, I didn't even think he could talk.
He was two-and-a-half, but looked much younger...
He was wayyy off the charts for height and weight (small)
and he was a diaper butt. As a matter of fact all he had on was a diaper.
He didn't say a word.
He sure was a cutie though!
When he and his two half sisters came for their first-ever-pre-adoption-placement visit to our home... I was shocked... the kid could speak... not only a word or three... But he spoke in complete sentences with correct grammar!!! He totally took me by surprise.
Shortly after our family of three became a family of six I did get to see his temper.
But I was prepared!
I had studied early child development in college.
I had worked with tiny tots seemingly forever... and...
worked "behavior modification" with multiply disabled kids...
*ALL my professional education/and experience trained me to KNOW to ignore most negative behavior issues with little ones and it won't take long before there are no more issues.
*(The ignore-to-extinguish-behaviors technique
btw NEVER worked for our son's "officially diagnosed RAD " sister.
She would escalate and exacerbate to meltdowns
I NEVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE
until behaviors were directly addressed and dealt with...
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
That was one of the key puzzling issues
That was one of the key puzzling issues
that indicated to her counselor our new daughter had much bigger issues.
It did not take long before
she was referred to psychiatrist MD and diagnosed RAD.
We were encouraged to by our daughter's Psych-team to
"nip EVERYTHING in the bud " to help prevent future meltdowns. )
One day our new little diaper-butt son wanted something... I don't remember what, but
the answer was "no."
He threw a MAJOR drop-to-the-floor-kicking-screaming-punching/blocking-the-doorway tantrum.
I calmly quietly carried my laundry basket over his little loud convulsing body and went into the next room to sit and fold clothes.
He was SHOCKED!
He got quiet IMMEDIATELY!
He quietly picked his little self up and DRAMATICALLY dropped to the floor in front of my laundry basket to "continue" his tantrum!
It took all the strength within me not to crack up laughing.
I never saw that kind of tantrum from him again.... ever.
Our son has grown into our never offically diagnosed
"inhibited RAD "
With passive/aggressive- passive/defiant behaviors.
He was challenging to parent/easy to love
"inhibited RAD "
With passive/aggressive- passive/defiant behaviors.
He was challenging to parent/easy to love
during the first three years,
but not nearly as challenging as our
" offically diagnosed disinhibited RAD " Daughter!!!
During our "Ten Beautiful Years " Our son was truly delightful
During our "Ten Beautiful Years " Our son was truly delightful
He became his worst when
his officially Dx'd RAD sister returned from college
and began triangulating him (and the world) against us.
I wonder in-hindsight if the technique of ignoring negative behaviors to extinction
actually contributed in some way to his "inhibited RAD " behaviors.
actually contributed in some way to his "inhibited RAD " behaviors.
Well one day our new son was wandering aimlessly and pushing around a chair to entertain himself.
(He loved to climb was all over everything all the time.) I asked him to turn on the light so I could read. Again... he was THRILLED. (I didn't really NEED a light on... I just liked to ask him to do little things because it ALWAYS made him so happy that I might need his help!)
I had forgotten I even asked him to turn on a light.
As I was reading (in dim light) I heard my new son's ADORABLE little high pitched voice "let loose" with EVERY curse word I had EVER heard...EVER!
...and USED IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT!!!!
His oldest half-bio-sister (13) was quite proud of the fact she had worked HARD to teach him well during the ONLY three months they EVER lived together (as a special needs sibling group ready for adoption) before being placed in our home to finalize.
Well I knew ignoring negative behaviors worked WELL with him!!!
So I kept my nose in the newspaper...
AND the OBSCENITIES continued to fly out of his mouth!!!
...and continued
...and continued
...and continued... They were not slowing down!!!
I looked up... my new little son had dragged a chair to the BACK of our greatroom... where there was a 6 switch wall plate operating our outdoor floodlights, patio lighting etc...
My son would flip one, look back to where I was sitting, curse, flip another, look back curse, ...and so on and so on and so on... Each time his little mouth opened it was a new set/formation of curse words. Each time they were used "in the right context!"
My son would flip one, look back to where I was sitting, curse, flip another, look back curse, ...and so on and so on and so on... Each time his little mouth opened it was a new set/formation of curse words. Each time they were used "in the right context!"
I said "OH, HONEY!!!! THE LIGHT SWITCH YOU NEED TO TURN ON IS RIGHT THERE!" I pointed across from me.
He happily pushed his chair to the other half of the great room and switched the light. I gave him big hugs kisses and cuddled and thanked him for his awesome help. I told him I was sorry I didn't tell him WHICH switch needed to be turned on. All was right in the world...
AND I NEVER HEARD
ANOTHER CURSE WORD
OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
EVER.
However...
...about a year later, after we finalized adoption on two of the three originally placed. (Oldest ended up adopted, YES ADOPTED by her/not "their " bioDAD) We were FINALLY allowed to take our new kids out-of-state to meet their new extended family.
We hit NY and I think the president was in town, some big dignitary was anyway... and it messed with traffic. BIG TIME. We ended up not moving more than three inches a mile for the next hour while roads were totally cleared for the procession of black cars with American flags at the front.
...about a year later, after we finalized adoption on two of the three originally placed. (Oldest ended up adopted, YES ADOPTED by her/not "their " bioDAD) We were FINALLY allowed to take our new kids out-of-state to meet their new extended family.
We hit NY and I think the president was in town, some big dignitary was anyway... and it messed with traffic. BIG TIME. We ended up not moving more than three inches a mile for the next hour while roads were totally cleared for the procession of black cars with American flags at the front.
The lady in the next car kept giving us a major dose of "stink-eye!"
I asked my husband if he was aware of any driver faux-pas he might have made while we'd inch up and drop back each in our own lane... "Certainly you couldn't have cut her off! We haven't REALLY moved!!!"
We couldn't figure out for the life of us what that lady's problem was.
I looked to the kids in the back seats.
The answer was clear.
There was my precious little angel-faced -then- 3 1/2 year old son... flipping the lady off and giggling quietly to himself complete with happy feet at her reaction every-single-time. My husband and I began laughing so hard (but trying to keep it so the kids didn't see our reaction) we were near tears!!!
I reached around put his hand down, sternly told him "no!" I asked his older sisters to distract him... before we knew it we were moving again...
And
I NEVER saw him
flip the bird
again.
Ever!
I
choose not to curse.
(I must confess, every once-in-a-RARE-while,
I may indulge, "for effect."
But it NEVER sits right with ME.
It doesn't feel good to ME
And I have never been impressed
by the fancy four lettered words
coming out of MY mouth.)
Now... I'd like to point out that;
I am not offended by curse words.
I am not offended by curse words.
I have MANY friends who are quite comfortable letting every word imaginable fly in by presence, in CREATIVE combinations I'd never imagine... I LOVE these people dearly AND I am not uncomfortable in their presence... I appreciate that they feel comfortable around me to "be themselves" and do not feel they have to "edit" themselves in my presence!!!
I am ALWAYS honored by the fact they trust me enough to be real.
I have in my lifetime been FAR MORE offended by numerous "Why BLESS YOUR HEART!"-s that I've gotten from church-y-people in church-y-circles where the "Bless your heart" people consider themselves "too holy" to allow "such words" to pass their lips, THAN I'VE EVER BEEN by "friendly" or heartfelt and un-edited "FU!" -s in "real" conversations with real (as opposed to plastic) people.
I figure... what matters is the heart.
Where is my heart while I am talking?!
Sometimes I'm even convicted
by saying something seemingly harmless like
"Oh fiddle sticks!"
Because for ME what is important is where my heart is at!
I'd like to challenge you to consider where your heart is at is, and what is your listener discerning in your message as you speak with-or-without cuss words?
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