Wow... 20 years of adoption.
Update.... SHE's BAAAACK....
Our 5.5 years estranged daughter began dating a man who ALSO has a one year old daughter, just like the grandchild we'd never met... sooo cool right???
Well, it turned out he attends our church... and our adopted daughter being the girl who wears masks to please whomever she's with, texted us mid-service asking if we'd like to meet our grandchild.
Our daughter was somewhere in our mega-congregation looking right at us.
yay.
About 10 months ago we'd gotten to meet our adopted daughter's daughter... she's cute like her momma.
Since then, we've gotten together with our daughter about a handful times, had the privilege of treating a couple meals for our daughter and her daughter and her (then) boyfriend... and his daughter... and his daughter's half brother that is not his son. Many meals we've sat politely smiling through her jabs, about our "abusive" writing assignments that has helped her to ultimately do quite well in her chosen profession... while the boyfriend defended our (awesome) parenting techniques.
We're grateful for progress... most days.
About 10 months have gone by since the "first" meeting... It is quite evident that RAD continues...
Adopted-daughter's-daughter's 2nd birthday happened... without us. I wonder how old she will be when/if we get to celebrate her first birthday with us?
Turns out adopted-daugther now hates "the savior mommy" who initially "rescued" her from us almost six years ago.... and has in the interim selected yet another "new-mommy" and "new-daddy"
Not long ago they just buried the "new-daddy" our Adopted-daughter's-daughter's "pop-pop."
My husband's heart aches... "Pop-pop" is his title for 'OUR GRANDKIDS"... Yet it's emblazoned all over social media "in memory" of our adopted daughter's drinking buddy's "Danny" (the drinking buddy's step-dad... poor guy... the female child he "daddy"'d never would call him "Dad.") Who knows what our adopted-daughter called him... but as evidenced through social media crapola ...the recently-deceased-"Danny" got to know the joys of grandfather-hood via our adopted-daughter's-daughter.I understand why "that family" is so attractive to our adopted daughter... familiarity. That "new mommy" herself I'm told lost her privilege of raising her own daughter (our daughter's drinking buddy). Around the time we met that family when the girl was about 13 she had just been returned to "mother's care" under close supervision by the grandparents who seemed to frequently threaten to take the kid back.
Adopted-daughter is doing well in her profession... She promised to let us know when she finds out about date for awards dinner... well... guess who is featured in "of the year" awards photos... her New-mommy number 21... (let's see... if I at adoption was "mommy number 19"... that would make her 21... and counting probably... right?)
Oh yeah, but wait... Hubby and I REALLY ARE mommy and daddy according to "The Forever Family Social Experiment" documents... right?????
We're real mommy and daddy?
Or is bio-mommy and bio-daddies?
How about all the the 17 foster/failed adoption placements before us... how real are they???
We've found ALL we've been experiencing is SO VERY COMMON to adult adoptees who also have our adopted daughter's diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder.
So... for the past 20 years our family has been unwittingly part of a social experiment...
I had never needed to signify our adopted daughter as our "adopted daughter" until as an adult she began crying abuse and "playing baby" to whomever would take her in after us.
Yeah, I'm not a fan of this social experiment.
20 years ago the social worker explained to us "It used to be rare circumstances would lead to involuntary termination of parental rights, but we've found these kids get raised in the foster system only to return to and perpetuate their parent's dysfunction. Nowadays they TPR so the kids can have a chance for a different life than their family of origin could provide."
Well, they have a different life... kinda almost... both our RADs are serving in honorable professions... yay. Mission accomplished????
On this side of it... 20 years in... I seriously question the ethics of adopting children whose parents are still living.
I don't question giving kids a safe home where they can be nurtured and grow... but I think for our adoptees... Foster could do... should do.
I think it is unethical for agencies to promote the lies of "forever family" to generous kind hearted families that have good lives and want to share their family and all it's blessings with underprivileged poorly-parented children who come from horrendously dangerous environments.
Did "our" adopted kids need a safer environment than they started out with???? Absolutely!!!!!!!!
Did they each need to have their three quite different last names changed to their bio-mom's last name as "the system" yanked them from the very-different homes they had lived in, so at TPR they could be promoted and ultimately placed as a "sibling group for adoption" under the lies of "The Forever Family Social Experiment"????
Absolutely not.
I'm happy/proud that our adopted daughter is being honored in her profession...
I'd still be proud, it would bother me so much less had she "just" been a foster child for all the crap she throws, that follows the pattern SO MANY adopted adults who have started with numerous caregivers... in foster-systems/orphanages.
It would bother me so much less for all the crap that has happened... and for all the crap that appears to continue to flow.
Excuse me... I feel nauseous.
Update.... SHE's BAAAACK....
Our 5.5 years estranged daughter began dating a man who ALSO has a one year old daughter, just like the grandchild we'd never met... sooo cool right???
Well, it turned out he attends our church... and our adopted daughter being the girl who wears masks to please whomever she's with, texted us mid-service asking if we'd like to meet our grandchild.
Our daughter was somewhere in our mega-congregation looking right at us.
yay.
About 10 months ago we'd gotten to meet our adopted daughter's daughter... she's cute like her momma.
Since then, we've gotten together with our daughter about a handful times, had the privilege of treating a couple meals for our daughter and her daughter and her (then) boyfriend... and his daughter... and his daughter's half brother that is not his son. Many meals we've sat politely smiling through her jabs, about our "abusive" writing assignments that has helped her to ultimately do quite well in her chosen profession... while the boyfriend defended our (awesome) parenting techniques.
We're grateful for progress... most days.
About 10 months have gone by since the "first" meeting... It is quite evident that RAD continues...
Adopted-daughter's-daughter's 2nd birthday happened... without us. I wonder how old she will be when/if we get to celebrate her first birthday with us?
Turns out adopted-daugther now hates "the savior mommy" who initially "rescued" her from us almost six years ago.... and has in the interim selected yet another "new-mommy" and "new-daddy"
Not long ago they just buried the "new-daddy" our Adopted-daughter's-daughter's "pop-pop."
My husband's heart aches... "Pop-pop" is his title for 'OUR GRANDKIDS"... Yet it's emblazoned all over social media "in memory" of our adopted daughter's drinking buddy's "Danny" (the drinking buddy's step-dad... poor guy... the female child he "daddy"'d never would call him "Dad.") Who knows what our adopted-daughter called him... but as evidenced through social media crapola ...the recently-deceased-"Danny" got to know the joys of grandfather-hood via our adopted-daughter's-daughter.I understand why "that family" is so attractive to our adopted daughter... familiarity. That "new mommy" herself I'm told lost her privilege of raising her own daughter (our daughter's drinking buddy). Around the time we met that family when the girl was about 13 she had just been returned to "mother's care" under close supervision by the grandparents who seemed to frequently threaten to take the kid back.
Adopted-daughter is doing well in her profession... She promised to let us know when she finds out about date for awards dinner... well... guess who is featured in "of the year" awards photos... her New-mommy number 21... (let's see... if I at adoption was "mommy number 19"... that would make her 21... and counting probably... right?)
Oh yeah, but wait... Hubby and I REALLY ARE mommy and daddy according to "The Forever Family Social Experiment" documents... right?????
We're real mommy and daddy?
Or is bio-mommy and bio-daddies?
How about all the the 17 foster/failed adoption placements before us... how real are they???
Hubby and I keep consoling ourselves with
"This isn't personal, it's not her fault, but it's not ours either."
We've found ALL we've been experiencing is SO VERY COMMON to adult adoptees who also have our adopted daughter's diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder.
So... for the past 20 years our family has been unwittingly part of a social experiment...
I had never needed to signify our adopted daughter as our "adopted daughter" until as an adult she began crying abuse and "playing baby" to whomever would take her in after us.
Yeah, I'm not a fan of this social experiment.
20 years ago the social worker explained to us "It used to be rare circumstances would lead to involuntary termination of parental rights, but we've found these kids get raised in the foster system only to return to and perpetuate their parent's dysfunction. Nowadays they TPR so the kids can have a chance for a different life than their family of origin could provide."
Well, they have a different life... kinda almost... both our RADs are serving in honorable professions... yay. Mission accomplished????
On this side of it... 20 years in... I seriously question the ethics of adopting children whose parents are still living.
I don't question giving kids a safe home where they can be nurtured and grow... but I think for our adoptees... Foster could do... should do.
I think it is unethical for agencies to promote the lies of "forever family" to generous kind hearted families that have good lives and want to share their family and all it's blessings with underprivileged poorly-parented children who come from horrendously dangerous environments.
Did "our" adopted kids need a safer environment than they started out with???? Absolutely!!!!!!!!
Did they each need to have their three quite different last names changed to their bio-mom's last name as "the system" yanked them from the very-different homes they had lived in, so at TPR they could be promoted and ultimately placed as a "sibling group for adoption" under the lies of "The Forever Family Social Experiment"????
Absolutely not.
I'm happy/proud that our adopted daughter is being honored in her profession...
I'd still be proud, it would bother me so much less had she "just" been a foster child for all the crap she throws, that follows the pattern SO MANY adopted adults who have started with numerous caregivers... in foster-systems/orphanages.
It would bother me so much less for all the crap that has happened... and for all the crap that appears to continue to flow.
Excuse me... I feel nauseous.
2 comments:
I love you. And I'm sorry.
Love you back Corey!!!!!!
I am so very grateful to you and for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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