There are times where I'm so happy for me, and simultaneously sad for not only our adoptees, but all adoptees... and "step" kids. This is one of those times. Doors are opening leading to some interesting reconnections with my extended family members. Such cool opportunities, but exactly the kind of thing if our adoptees were still in the picture, I might have tiptoed away from... to have spared their hurt feelings.
In various situations I've observed how the "really-related, but not quite really really" whether step or adopted relate to the non-bloodline relatives. I've never seen, nor heard anyone but the "steps" hesitantly and awkwardly discuss the "really-related, but not quite really really" thing. There always seems to be so much pain for the child who is "really-related, but not quite really really" no matter how much everyone around them insists they REALLY are part of the family. Having read Nancy Verrier's Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up I was especially interested in her discussion of the importance and impact a lack of genetic mirroring causes in adopted individuals.
It is so politically incorrect in adoption circles to talk about genetic significance... As adoptive parents we want the world to sing to our children that they BELONG in our family... and they are loved. We want to protect our kids from the slightest whisper that they might not really be a part of our family.
I believe Genetic significance is an issue that boldly presents itself in every non-bio adoption... whether we pretend it's invisible or not... and NEEDS to be discussed for our kids optimal health. It seems pretending genetic significance is unimportant only assists our adoptees in lingering in other unhealthy worlds of make-believe. Genetics matter. Family history matters. Not discussing genetic significance early and often as a matter of fact, loving manner betrays our children as much as the mirror betrays their fit in our families every time they look at us, and look at themselves in a mirror. Getting everyone talking about it... not pretending differences don't exist... not hush hushing and getting offended when the subject comes up helps us all keep our kids rooted in love and truth.
I believe our kids' lack of genetic mirroring plays a big part in what pushes them on their quest to reject us and define and create a place where they feel they belong... where they "really feel" they are part of a family.
Currently I'm thrilled to have extended family connections being made overseas... and it is a happy kind of excited time for me!
Can anyone relate to my excitement of unearthing extended family information?
As happy as I am for me... I do get a bit sad for our adoptees. I hope some day they can find things that are cool and awesome and like them in their genetic line... that they can see themselves mirrored genetically if not in the generations that have preceded them, in the generations that follow them.
Last Fall, my cousin's wife shared with me photos of my paternal grandparents. Her mother-in-law had them in their belongings before she passed away. These beautiful wonderful women... related to me "only" through marriage (and A LOT of love!!!!) have preserved tidbits of my genetic history I'd never seen before!!!!
I get a kick out of looking into those photos to see which of the relatives I know looks like which grand parent. I'm curious if anyone might say they see a bit of me in their eyes, or nose or cheeks or hair or height or personality. Genetics matter.
Certainly the best pedigree does not influence an iota of what any person accomplishes with the talents and means that life presents them with... having great talent, or wealth in no way makes a person prosperous nor grand. We are each largely responsible for the person we use the talents and treasures bestowed upon us to become.
Genetics are not of paramount importance... but they do matter.
The Best Husband in the World and I have future plans visit a place where I've heard my genetic family has culturally made quite an impact. I'm definitely more excited than hubby about that part of our trip, because it's MY side of the family. Hubby is still interested... just not as interested as I am. Because through marriage he is "really-related, but not quite really really."
I'm not so much interested to see that side of the family's wealth, nor the dollar value of their contributions... I'm interested to see if I look carefully enough will see a bit of my grandfather in historic photos of that nation's benefactor. I'm hoping to speak with people who knew and remember the benevolent distant relative because I hope to compare and contrast nuances I've seen along that family line... specifically both sharp wit and sparkling personalities.
On "the other side" of my family there is rumored within the family to have been a "family" castle that was "passed down" but at some point within the last 40? years abandoned because government taxes were too much of a burden for the one who had inherited it to have maintained the property. Amongst my cousins there has been a very weak rally of "We should look into reclaiming" the abandoned inheritance. Yeah, we're all a bit busy for that kind of treasure hunt... but it is fun to imagine what might be "ours."
My point is... When it comes to family... there are things that CAN BE INHERITED...
Family Matters... Genetics matter.
Of our children... one has the genetic disposition of not being born to alcoholic, drug addicts. That one has a distinctly advantageous genetic make up. It wasn't her choice... it wasn't ours, it's simply genetics. Oh, if we could have selected genetic make up, for our kids we would have certainly selected all our children would get our adopted son's "easily athletic" genes that our adopted daughter's the "doesn't catch colds" genes and our bio kid's "not mentally ill" genes.
There are "genetic line" things I would love to have saved our biokid from... mostly I would love to save her from the diabetic predisposition that runs on both bio sides of her family. She's not diabetic yet, thank God... She works hard to keep it at bay. The truth remains but she is predisposed through the genes both my parents passed to me, and my husband's parents passed to him, through the genes we passed to our bio daughter.
Oh what I would do to preserve our adoptees from the genetic predisposition to alcoholic/addictive lifestyles!!! ...To my knowledge neither of our adoptees are acloholic/drug addicted yet, however, I do know their genetic history, and as likely our bio MAY develop diabetes, the bio-children-of-addicts whom we adopted MAY develop various addictions like their bio parents.
Sadly I see traits of a genetic syndrome that includes diabetes in our bio child...
And sadly I see traits of addictive personalities in our adoptees...
The video below was featured on aol today... because the teaser mentioned many things I'd read related to RAD and the fact the video was only about six minutes total I tuned in. I know some who are parenting RAD diagnosed children deal with realities much harsher than we have experienced with our kids. Mr Fallon discusses genetic predisposition, exposure to violence at certain times of development, and biology/chemistry of the human brain as all being contributing factors.
At around marker 4:03 Mr. Fallon tells how his Mom shares his "interesting" and violent family history.
For now, let's all hope for the best in all we've passed on to our children through the environments of our loving homes.
It's nice to know if an inherited old castle becomes too burdensome we can hope to abandon it... It would be nice if we could likewise abandon the other burdensome things we inherit through family matters... genetic matters.
Around 4:03 in This TED Video, Jim Fallon talks about an interesting genetic fact regarding his family
In various situations I've observed how the "really-related, but not quite really really" whether step or adopted relate to the non-bloodline relatives. I've never seen, nor heard anyone but the "steps" hesitantly and awkwardly discuss the "really-related, but not quite really really" thing. There always seems to be so much pain for the child who is "really-related, but not quite really really" no matter how much everyone around them insists they REALLY are part of the family. Having read Nancy Verrier's Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up I was especially interested in her discussion of the importance and impact a lack of genetic mirroring causes in adopted individuals.
It is so politically incorrect in adoption circles to talk about genetic significance... As adoptive parents we want the world to sing to our children that they BELONG in our family... and they are loved. We want to protect our kids from the slightest whisper that they might not really be a part of our family.
I believe Genetic significance is an issue that boldly presents itself in every non-bio adoption... whether we pretend it's invisible or not... and NEEDS to be discussed for our kids optimal health. It seems pretending genetic significance is unimportant only assists our adoptees in lingering in other unhealthy worlds of make-believe. Genetics matter. Family history matters. Not discussing genetic significance early and often as a matter of fact, loving manner betrays our children as much as the mirror betrays their fit in our families every time they look at us, and look at themselves in a mirror. Getting everyone talking about it... not pretending differences don't exist... not hush hushing and getting offended when the subject comes up helps us all keep our kids rooted in love and truth.
I believe our kids' lack of genetic mirroring plays a big part in what pushes them on their quest to reject us and define and create a place where they feel they belong... where they "really feel" they are part of a family.
Currently I'm thrilled to have extended family connections being made overseas... and it is a happy kind of excited time for me!
Can anyone relate to my excitement of unearthing extended family information?
As happy as I am for me... I do get a bit sad for our adoptees. I hope some day they can find things that are cool and awesome and like them in their genetic line... that they can see themselves mirrored genetically if not in the generations that have preceded them, in the generations that follow them.
Last Fall, my cousin's wife shared with me photos of my paternal grandparents. Her mother-in-law had them in their belongings before she passed away. These beautiful wonderful women... related to me "only" through marriage (and A LOT of love!!!!) have preserved tidbits of my genetic history I'd never seen before!!!!
I get a kick out of looking into those photos to see which of the relatives I know looks like which grand parent. I'm curious if anyone might say they see a bit of me in their eyes, or nose or cheeks or hair or height or personality. Genetics matter.
Certainly the best pedigree does not influence an iota of what any person accomplishes with the talents and means that life presents them with... having great talent, or wealth in no way makes a person prosperous nor grand. We are each largely responsible for the person we use the talents and treasures bestowed upon us to become.
Genetics are not of paramount importance... but they do matter.
The Best Husband in the World and I have future plans visit a place where I've heard my genetic family has culturally made quite an impact. I'm definitely more excited than hubby about that part of our trip, because it's MY side of the family. Hubby is still interested... just not as interested as I am. Because through marriage he is "really-related, but not quite really really."
I'm not so much interested to see that side of the family's wealth, nor the dollar value of their contributions... I'm interested to see if I look carefully enough will see a bit of my grandfather in historic photos of that nation's benefactor. I'm hoping to speak with people who knew and remember the benevolent distant relative because I hope to compare and contrast nuances I've seen along that family line... specifically both sharp wit and sparkling personalities.
On "the other side" of my family there is rumored within the family to have been a "family" castle that was "passed down" but at some point within the last 40? years abandoned because government taxes were too much of a burden for the one who had inherited it to have maintained the property. Amongst my cousins there has been a very weak rally of "We should look into reclaiming" the abandoned inheritance. Yeah, we're all a bit busy for that kind of treasure hunt... but it is fun to imagine what might be "ours."
My point is... When it comes to family... there are things that CAN BE INHERITED...
Family Matters... Genetics matter.
Of our children... one has the genetic disposition of not being born to alcoholic, drug addicts. That one has a distinctly advantageous genetic make up. It wasn't her choice... it wasn't ours, it's simply genetics. Oh, if we could have selected genetic make up, for our kids we would have certainly selected all our children would get our adopted son's "easily athletic" genes that our adopted daughter's the "doesn't catch colds" genes and our bio kid's "not mentally ill" genes.
There are "genetic line" things I would love to have saved our biokid from... mostly I would love to save her from the diabetic predisposition that runs on both bio sides of her family. She's not diabetic yet, thank God... She works hard to keep it at bay. The truth remains but she is predisposed through the genes both my parents passed to me, and my husband's parents passed to him, through the genes we passed to our bio daughter.
Oh what I would do to preserve our adoptees from the genetic predisposition to alcoholic/addictive lifestyles!!! ...To my knowledge neither of our adoptees are acloholic/drug addicted yet, however, I do know their genetic history, and as likely our bio MAY develop diabetes, the bio-children-of-addicts whom we adopted MAY develop various addictions like their bio parents.
Sadly I see traits of a genetic syndrome that includes diabetes in our bio child...
And sadly I see traits of addictive personalities in our adoptees...
The video below was featured on aol today... because the teaser mentioned many things I'd read related to RAD and the fact the video was only about six minutes total I tuned in. I know some who are parenting RAD diagnosed children deal with realities much harsher than we have experienced with our kids. Mr Fallon discusses genetic predisposition, exposure to violence at certain times of development, and biology/chemistry of the human brain as all being contributing factors.
At around marker 4:03 Mr. Fallon tells how his Mom shares his "interesting" and violent family history.
For now, let's all hope for the best in all we've passed on to our children through the environments of our loving homes.
It's nice to know if an inherited old castle becomes too burdensome we can hope to abandon it... It would be nice if we could likewise abandon the other burdensome things we inherit through family matters... genetic matters.
Around 4:03 in This TED Video, Jim Fallon talks about an interesting genetic fact regarding his family
