Young Love... And Parental Manipulation

At 21 years of age...
Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee was "rescued" from us into the home of a manipulative woman who about a year prior admittedly planned from her inner-circle which young women  WOULD marry EACH  of her sons.

While RAD was starting on the brink of exploding... Before we had any inkling of what RAD would do next... That woman openly shared with me her secret plans for our youngest daughter to marry her youngest son. I firmly and kindly responded I thought it would be wonderful to allow our kids to make their own decisions about marriage.

Not yet understanding RAD, but knowing our adoptee well,  I never shared this woman's confessions along-those-lines with our daughter because although I didn't yet have the terminology to articulate behaviors we'd seen in our "officially diagnosed" adoptee,  we understood the concept that the cause and effect reasoning part of her brain had consistently shown evidence of not fully operating.

RAD doesn't make kids stupid...

 Our daughter is quite smart actually.  

She entered college at age 14. 

Was one B short of 4.0.  

She's smart and cute.

She used to easily memorize and regurgitate facts.

"BLUE is the answer! 

The answer is BLUE!     

What is the answer?????"

"..... Ummmm..... blue?"

"YES! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   

In accordance with her illness...

  Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee always had trouble processing the MEANING of information.

It's not at all that she'd NEVER "get it"...

just most times she'll have data...

and assume illogical meanings when asked to process information.   

Not her fault.  

Just one of the nuances of a young brain exposed to early trauma.

I didn't want to risk for a minute that our daughter would misinterpret the woman who would eventually become her "savior mommy"'s aspirations as plans she should pursue.    

Our daughter never for one minute expressed romantic interest in "savior mommy's" baby boy.

I recently had the opportunity to ask a few questions to another mom on the brink of "saving" a sweet young girl (in the system, not her fault) from the latest parents...

...A young girl this woman hopes will "someday" marry her son.

Some of the questions I asked this potential "savior mommy" to consider...   

1) Do you think it may be possible that this sweet beautiful young girl you want to save, and hope will marry your son may be behaving quite differently with you in your home than she does in the home that is establishing boundaries for safety and has the responsibility of keeping her safe?

2) What if you've contracted to become guardian and things don't work out romantically between her and the child you hope she'll marry?

3) Is it possible, once your role in her life changes,  this teen may eventually give you the same challenges she's presenting to her current caregivers?

4) Is there a way you can be supportive of this girl, AND her current caregivers, while encouraging this girl to be taking her own steps as a young teen toward responsible adulthood (for example resume attending HS, get a job... Etc.) while encouraging her to be so much less a teenage "victim" who needs to marry your child so she can be rescued her from this unfair life of living with adult caregivers whose reasonable rules at times don't facilitate these young lovers from living the  romantic wonderland they feel entitled to... to the fullest?

5)  Don't you want your child to be married to someone because they really love each other, not because one was in a bad situation and needed to be rescued?

6) Are you aware kids who bounce around the system make false allegations?

7) It's entirely possible the young lovers are sexually active... What repercussion might there be if you take her in as a her legal guardian and don't prevent your legally-adult child from engaging with this minor sexually in your home?    
 
8) Does your career allow you to earn money while officials investigate any strife she might cause against you as her new and improved caregiver who might try to establish rules and limits within your family's home that she as a young teen might naturally object to?

9) Wouldn't it be best to love, appreciate and hope for your "future daughter-in-law" while continuing to encourage the young-in-love couple  to work diligently towards achieving milestones of independent adult responsibilities to help establish their "true-love" on the strongest possible foundation for their "happily ever after?"

Ack.

I do want to confirm.... I told this parent, many times throughout our conversations I AM honestly a believer in young love.  Just one week after turning 20, I married the boy I had taken to prom a few years prior.

We're still head-over-heels in love...

Just with my recent experiences... involving "system kids"... 

(Oh how I hate to assert there is a "system-kid" mentality!!!!!!!!!!!!  

...If only our experiences would have kept us blissfully ignorant!)

....So many aspects of all this woman  shared of her child's romance and her own desire to save his  beloved has me so-very concerned...

Turns out their family opted to not take on guardianship... For now. 

Amazed

I am amazed how God keeps on putting people in my life who can relate to the life experiences parenting RAD diagnosed children has brought into our lives.

I'm not grateful others have lived/are living our parallel universe... I'm grateful we can talk or even share a "knowing" wordless look and communicate volumes of "you are not alone!"

4th Anniversary of Their Conjoined Meltdown

Today, I'm giving myself permission to grieve if I need to.  Today is THE official date that first comes to mind every time I think about "scheduling" grief so it won't consume my life.  Other dates "of significance" are slated, but they don't stand out as THE day.  Today is THE day.
 
Today marks the 4th anniversary of our adoptees' conjoined meltdown. (Which makes 10 years in total that we never knew our adoptive daughter, 6.5 years we never knew our adoptive son.)

Today just happens to also be the day our oldest, who flew down to celebrate our birthdays, is flying home.

I'd marked the calendar to grieve if I wanted to...

Hopping out of bed to drop our sweet daughter at the airport so very early, it was so very easy to grab the simple "mourning" outfit I'd selected so long ago for this "special" date...

Daughter commented how pretty I looked in my easy breezy black floor-length dress.  Pretty wasn't what I was going for, she didn't have to know that.  On the drive in to the airport, daughter, hubby and I talked about today's "anniversary" and hubby and I encouraged her that it's okay to grieve if she needs to... no pressure.  She thought it was weird and preferred to forget the date not remember it.  We explained it was a counselor's suggestion to acknowledge grief, and schedule it so we can readily and really enjoy other dates without grief over taking us. 

Anyway we said a quick goodbye at the airport with awesome hugs and had to hurry home for hubby to start work on time.

Today I'd planned to light my candle if I need to, so far I'm not feeling the need.  I'm probably more tired than anything.  When our daughter is in town late nights and fun running around keeps us a tad sleep deprived.

The fact that August 1 happens to be "National Girlfriends Day" it REALLY helps me feel grateful and encouraged!!!!!  I heard about "National Girlfriends Day" for the very first time yesterday on TV.  I'm so very grateful to have so very many truly beautiful life long friendships!  I'm also so very grateful there is also this on-line blogging sisterhood of parenting RAD that has allowed me to meet, talk with, email, text etc... etc... etc.... so very many awesome women I've met through sharing my experiences in parenting RAD.  These newest "girlfriends" who have also devoted their hearts to welcoming traumatized children into their families, seem to be living our parallel universe.  I'm so very grateful for the friendships that have developed seemingly out of the rubble left behind when RAD attacks.

Today, is earmarked for grief... but I'm not yet feeling it... I've given myself permission to grieve all day if need be, but honestly, right now... I'm more grateful than grief filled.  Each moment that passes it  seems I accept a little more the fact we invited them to be part of our "forever family" but their concept of "family" and forever has been marred courtesy of their birth family and the system that poisoned their minds.  Their experiences long before we ever knew them told them again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again that forever, and family never lasts.

It's not their fault.  It's not ours either.

Peace.

Looking Forward

What a delight it is to have things to look forward to!!!!!

Hubby and I just returned from a month and a half of traveling, and the anticipation of the getaway was almost as delightful as the actual get away itself!

For our 29th anniversary we decided to cruise Canada's St Lawrence Seaway in search of fall colors.  We left our home in the land of balmy palm trees and sandy beaches and headed towards what we don't normally get to enjoy in the comforts of our own home.

The cruise was DELIGHTFUL!!!!    Our ship left Manhattan and we sailed north.... I got the biggest kick out of sitting on our boat deck and watching our ship's pool and curly yellow slide pass under the Varazanno bridge.  I was thrilled to watch as Lady Liberty wished us a bon-voyage. 

As we returned to the ship at the first port we visited, I noticed the ship's crew at the welcome center all using their electronic devices.... "Hmmm... free wi-fi?" I wondered. 

I put my phone into wi-fi mode and was pleased to see messages trickle in.  It was there that I got the next RAD punch in the gut.  Oh this really seems to be a life-long journey.  A concerned individual sent me the ultrasound our 3years estranged RAD had posted.  We're going to be grandparents.

I am the kind of person that is always happy to hear about babies.   Abounding joy was not my first reaction. 

I've heard "Baby-Daddy" has three other kids by other women.  This is his fourth... her first. 

I know people from my generation who have been "tied" to their child's "other parent" in much less than joyous scenarios. 

I know the heartache of raising children whose "first parents" were not there for them. 

I have no idea what this generation's multiple "baby-mommas/baby-daddies" is like.

Well... that's not true... my sister-in-law at 15 met a 40 year old man at the teenage hang out who had a very successful line "In my country you are considered a woman, not a child!"  It worked on about six different 13-16 year old girls who also carried his children.  (God knows how many never conceived!!!!)

I know my nephew is a very broken individual.  He grew up in a town full of his half-siblings.  We saw him go through the "where is my daddy, why does he hate me?" He's spent the first decade and a half of his adult life floating between jail and rehab.  His mother has always used men for all they could give her then thrown them to the curb.  My heart breaks for my nephews over the more than subliminal message that my sister-in-law keeps showing her sons of what men are good for.

Broken people... having broken people... having broken people... Hubby's sisters are all half-sisters... their bio dad died of cirrhosis of the liver mid 40's.  They each have their major issues. 

ugh... I was so much happier focusing on the positive... thinking about our beautiful trip, and all the loving family and friends we got to see!!!!  

We spent the full month after the cruise visiting family... so very wonderful!!!

Many of those we visited will be visiting our home very soon.... I not only have to unpack... I have to get ready for their arrival. 

I'm smiling again with anticipation!!!!   I think I'm going to make some countdown calendars for our various visitors arrival... 

God please help me to focus on the positive!!!!

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Take Heart Adoptive Parents!

Take heart betrayed parents who have poured your lives and your love into the lives of these needy children. Your child's behaviors against you is not personal (even though it feels VERY personal!!!) it is mental illness. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that. Early Trauma affects how the brain develops!

Young adult adoptees "Leaving with a bang" usually by RADtypically triangulating their adoptive parents against whomever is gullible enough to believe their symptomatic Attachment Disordered "deceptive charm" is such a common thing for young adult adoptees to do during the season where it is biologically-age-appropriate for them and their peers to begin embarking into their "adult" lives! I've met so many adoptive families where their (18ish year old) adoptees have not moved out into their own place, have not moved in with peers... instead move in with their "friends" mommies and daddies and start calling them their "new parents" as they pretend for their easily manipulated "rescuers" to have lived lives of abuse in their loving attentive adoptive families. It's almost like these families are experiencing our parallel universe!

I want to encourage you to keep seeking the support of other adoptive parents (In real life... and on the internet!!!!) It is difficult to openly share all the trauma/drama parenting our attachment disordered children has brought into our lives. Some of the "private" or "closed" groups have more detailed support for every level of parenting kids of all ages with RAD diagnosis.

I don't at all mind private messages from parents who are experiencing a similar hell on earth! There really is genuine comfort in knowing we are not alone in loving our children who behave the way they do because they had been through brain altering traumas often starting with inutero exposure to illegal drugs and alcohol, as well as a flood of biomom's stress hormones throughout their prenatal development... combine that with whatever the traumas were that eventually separated them from their birth family... orphancare whether bouncing through the foster system, or rotating staff at actual orphanages... all this long before they ever entered our homes and joined our families.

I've noticed most people understand when there is an explosive teen/young-adult triangulating against a "step" parent... Yet I'm amazed how few people think the "issues" would not NATURALLY be exponentially multiplied when "neither parent" is the biological one.

I have also been amazed to see how much strife comes from members of "pro-life" affiliations who have not themselves adopted. I'm talking churches. I've learned that not everyone who stands under a banner... attends services... serves, "ministers" etc etc etc... not everyone in those positions has enough light of the Lord within them to shine light and love and wholeness and healing toward adoptive families. Instead it appears it is their delight to sow strife... foster rebellion... and create a hostile environment between us and our children. They are the ones whose "prayer circles" are gossip central. They chew up our kids stability as they satisfy their unholy appetites entertained by the drama surrounding our children's mental illness. These people, believe they are "serving God" as they walk out their desire to play savior instead of praying to the Savior.  They get a sick thrill out of attacking our families and patting themselves on the back for the "good work" they're doing. These who believe they are standing under the Cross have been the unkindest of all. If only they would put their efforts to making a positive difference in the lives of orphaned children instead of meddling in our families.  Have they adopted children born addicted... yeah no... didn't think so. 

My hubby and I are grateful there is MUCH encouragement for us in the Bible... and we are grateful for the remnant of those who REALLY know the Lord... and are CAPABLE and successful in shining His light and love. We are grateful for those who hear of our "situation" and speak of it to God asking for healing for our adoptees for healing of the hurts that started long before we ever met them... and for healing of our family of all the pain parenting children adopted out of trauma continues to bring to our lives.

RAD, Four Letter Words, & Cussing

This topic came up in a cyber-RAD-support group. 

My response is long... so I'm making it a blog. 

When I first met our son outside of the "Sea-World Adoption Day" event, I didn't even think he could talk.

He was two-and-a-half, but looked much younger...
He was wayyy off the charts for height and weight (small)
and he was a diaper butt.  As a matter of fact all he had on was a diaper.

He didn't say a word.

He sure was a cutie though!

When he and his two half sisters came for their first-ever-pre-adoption-placement visit to our home... I was shocked... the kid could speak... not only a word or three... But he spoke in complete sentences with correct grammar!!!  He totally took me by surprise. 

Shortly after our family of three became a family of six I  did get to see his temper.

But I was prepared!
I had studied early child development in college.

I had worked with tiny tots seemingly forever... and... 

worked "behavior modification" with multiply disabled kids... 

*ALL my professional education/and experience trained me to KNOW to ignore most negative behavior issues with little ones and it won't take long before there are no more issues. 

*(The ignore-to-extinguish-behaviors technique 

btw NEVER worked for  our son's   "officially diagnosed RAD  " sister.  

She would escalate and exacerbate to meltdowns

I NEVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE 

until behaviors were directly addressed and dealt with... 

EVERY SINGLE TIME. 
That was one of the key puzzling issues 

that indicated to her counselor our new daughter had much bigger issues.  

It did not take long before 

she was referred to psychiatrist MD and  diagnosed RAD.  

We were encouraged to by our daughter's Psych-team to 

  "nip EVERYTHING in the bud  "  to help prevent future meltdowns. )

One day our new little diaper-butt son wanted something... I don't remember what, but  

the answer was "no." 

He threw a MAJOR drop-to-the-floor-kicking-screaming-punching/blocking-the-doorway tantrum.

I calmly quietly carried my laundry basket over his little loud convulsing body and went into the next room to sit and fold clothes.

He was SHOCKED!

He got quiet IMMEDIATELY!

He quietly picked his little self up and DRAMATICALLY dropped to the floor in front of my laundry basket to "continue" his tantrum! 
 


It took all the strength within me not to crack up laughing. 

I never saw that kind of tantrum from him again.... ever. 

Our son has grown into our never offically diagnosed
"inhibited RAD  "
With passive/aggressive- passive/defiant behaviors.
He was challenging to parent/easy to love

during the first three years, 

but not nearly as challenging as our 

" offically diagnosed disinhibited RAD " Daughter!!!
During our  "Ten Beautiful Years "  Our son was truly delightful 

He became his worst when

his officially Dx'd RAD sister returned from college 

and began triangulating him (and the world) against us. 

I wonder in-hindsight if the technique of ignoring negative behaviors to extinction
actually contributed in some way to his "inhibited RAD  " behaviors. 

Well, in the short time the kids had been with us, I saw in our son an AWESOME eagerness to "help out."  He loved to be assigned things.  (I'd call "OOOOOhhhhhhh Recycling Boy!!!!!" like I was calling for a super-hero whenever a newspaper, can or bottle needed to go into the recycle-bin... he absolutely LOVED to help!)

Well one day our new son was wandering aimlessly and pushing around a chair to entertain himself. 
(He loved to climb was all over everything all the time.)  I asked him to turn on the light so I could read.  Again... he was THRILLED.  (I didn't really NEED a light on... I just liked to ask him to do little things because it ALWAYS made him so happy that I might need his help!) 


I had forgotten I even asked him to turn on a light.  

As I was reading (in dim light) I heard my new son's ADORABLE little high pitched voice "let loose" with EVERY curse word I had EVER heard...EVER!  

...and USED IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT!!!! 

His oldest half-bio-sister (13) was quite proud of the fact she had worked HARD to teach him well during the ONLY three months they EVER lived together (as a special needs sibling group ready for adoption) before being placed in our home to finalize. 

Well I knew ignoring negative behaviors worked WELL with him!!!
So I kept my nose in the newspaper...  

AND the OBSCENITIES continued to fly out of his mouth!!!

                             ...and continued

...and continued                       

...and continued...  They were not slowing down!!!

 

I looked up... my new little son had dragged a chair to the BACK of our greatroom... where there was a 6 switch wall plate operating our outdoor floodlights, patio lighting etc...
My son would flip one, look back to where I was sitting, curse, flip another, look back curse, ...and so on and so on and so on... Each time his little mouth opened it was a new set/formation of curse words.  Each time they were used "in the right context!"

I said "OH, HONEY!!!!  THE LIGHT SWITCH YOU NEED TO TURN ON IS RIGHT THERE!"  I pointed across from me.

He happily pushed his chair to the other half of the great room and switched the light.  I gave him big hugs kisses and cuddled and thanked him for his awesome help.  I told him I was sorry I didn't tell him WHICH switch needed to be turned on.  All was right in the world... 

AND I NEVER HEARD 

ANOTHER CURSE WORD

OUT OF HIS MOUTH.  

EVER.  

However...
       ...about a year later, after we finalized adoption on two of the three originally placed. (Oldest ended up adopted, YES ADOPTED by her/not  "their  " bioDAD) We were FINALLY allowed to take our new kids out-of-state to meet their new extended family. 

We hit NY and I think the president was in town, some big dignitary was anyway... and it messed with traffic.  BIG TIME.   We ended up not moving more than three inches a mile for the next hour while roads were totally cleared for the procession of black cars with American flags at the front.  

The lady in the next car kept giving us a major dose of "stink-eye!"  

I asked my husband if he was aware of any driver faux-pas he might have made while we'd inch up and drop back each in our own lane... "Certainly you couldn't have cut her off!  We haven't REALLY moved!!!" 

We couldn't figure out for the life of us what that lady's problem was.  

I looked to the kids in the back seats. 

 The answer was clear.  

There was my precious little angel-faced -then- 3 1/2 year old son... flipping the lady off and giggling quietly to himself complete with happy feet at her reaction every-single-time.  My husband and I began laughing so hard (but trying to keep it so the kids didn't see our reaction) we were near tears!!!  

I reached around put his hand down, sternly told him "no!" I asked his older sisters to distract him... before we knew it we were moving again... 

And

I NEVER saw him

flip the bird

again.

  Ever!

I 

for the most part 

choose not to curse.   

(I must confess, every once-in-a-RARE-while,

I may indulge, "for effect." 

But it NEVER sits right with ME.  

It doesn't feel good to ME

And I have never been impressed 

by the fancy four lettered words 

coming out of MY mouth.)

Now... I'd like to point out that;
  I am not offended by curse words.   

I have MANY friends who are quite comfortable letting every word imaginable fly in by presence, in CREATIVE combinations I'd never imagine... I LOVE these people dearly AND I am not uncomfortable in their presence... I appreciate that they feel comfortable around me to "be themselves" and do not feel they  have to "edit" themselves in my presence!!!  

I am ALWAYS honored by the fact they trust me enough to be real. 

I have in my lifetime been FAR MORE offended by numerous "Why BLESS YOUR HEART!"-s  that I've gotten from church-y-people in church-y-circles where the "Bless your heart" people consider themselves "too holy" to allow "such words" to pass their lips, THAN I'VE EVER BEEN by "friendly" or heartfelt and un-edited "FU!" -s in "real" conversations with real (as opposed to plastic) people.  

I figure... what matters is the heart.  

Where is my heart while I am talking?!

Sometimes I'm even convicted 

by saying something seemingly harmless like 

"Oh fiddle sticks!" 

Because for ME what is important is where my heart is at!

For people offended by "cuss words" 

I'd like to challenge you to consider where your heart is at is, and what is your listener discerning in your message as you speak with-or-without cuss words?