Take heart betrayed parents
who have poured your lives and your love into the lives of these needy
children. Your child's behaviors against you is not personal (even
though it feels VERY personal!!!) it is mental illness. I'm not trying
to be mean by saying that. Early Trauma affects how the brain develops!
Young adult adoptees "Leaving with a bang" usually by RADtypically triangulating their adoptive parents against whomever is gullible enough to believe their symptomatic Attachment Disordered "deceptive charm" is such a common thing for young adult adoptees to do during the season where it is biologically-age-appropria
I want to encourage you to keep seeking the support of other adoptive parents (In real life... and on the internet!!!!) It is difficult to openly share all the trauma/drama parenting our attachment disordered children has brought into our lives. Some of the "private" or "closed" groups have more detailed support for every level of parenting kids of all ages with RAD diagnosis.
I don't at all mind private messages from parents who are experiencing a similar hell on earth! There really is genuine comfort in knowing we are not alone in loving our children who behave the way they do because they had been through brain altering traumas often starting with inutero exposure to illegal drugs and alcohol, as well as a flood of biomom's stress hormones throughout their prenatal development... combine that with whatever the traumas were that eventually separated them from their birth family... orphancare whether bouncing through the foster system, or rotating staff at actual orphanages... all this long before they ever entered our homes and joined our families.
I've noticed most people understand when there is an explosive teen/young-adult triangulating against a "step" parent... Yet I'm amazed how few people think the "issues" would not NATURALLY be exponentially multiplied when "neither parent" is the biological one.
I have also been amazed to see how much strife comes from members of "pro-life" affiliations who have not themselves adopted. I'm talking churches. I've learned that not everyone who stands under a banner... attends services... serves, "ministers" etc etc etc... not everyone in those positions has enough light of the Lord within them to shine light and love and wholeness and healing toward adoptive families. Instead it appears it is their delight to sow strife... foster rebellion... and create a hostile environment between us and our children. They are the ones whose "prayer circles" are gossip central. They chew up our kids stability as they satisfy their unholy appetites entertained by the drama surrounding our children's mental illness. These people, believe they are "serving God" as they walk out their desire to play savior instead of praying to the Savior. They get a sick thrill out of attacking our families and patting themselves on the back for the "good work" they're doing. These who believe they are standing under the Cross have been the unkindest of all. If only they would put their efforts to making a positive difference in the lives of orphaned children instead of meddling in our families. Have they adopted children born addicted... yeah no... didn't think so.
My hubby and I are grateful there is MUCH encouragement for us in the Bible... and we are grateful for the remnant of those who REALLY know the Lord... and are CAPABLE and successful in shining His light and love. We are grateful for those who hear of our "situation" and speak of it to God asking for healing for our adoptees for healing of the hurts that started long before we ever met them... and for healing of our family of all the pain parenting children adopted out of trauma continues to bring to our lives.
Young adult adoptees "Leaving with a bang" usually by RADtypically triangulating their adoptive parents against whomever is gullible enough to believe their symptomatic Attachment Disordered "deceptive charm" is such a common thing for young adult adoptees to do during the season where it is biologically-age-appropria
I want to encourage you to keep seeking the support of other adoptive parents (In real life... and on the internet!!!!) It is difficult to openly share all the trauma/drama parenting our attachment disordered children has brought into our lives. Some of the "private" or "closed" groups have more detailed support for every level of parenting kids of all ages with RAD diagnosis.
I don't at all mind private messages from parents who are experiencing a similar hell on earth! There really is genuine comfort in knowing we are not alone in loving our children who behave the way they do because they had been through brain altering traumas often starting with inutero exposure to illegal drugs and alcohol, as well as a flood of biomom's stress hormones throughout their prenatal development... combine that with whatever the traumas were that eventually separated them from their birth family... orphancare whether bouncing through the foster system, or rotating staff at actual orphanages... all this long before they ever entered our homes and joined our families.
I've noticed most people understand when there is an explosive teen/young-adult triangulating against a "step" parent... Yet I'm amazed how few people think the "issues" would not NATURALLY be exponentially multiplied when "neither parent" is the biological one.
I have also been amazed to see how much strife comes from members of "pro-life" affiliations who have not themselves adopted. I'm talking churches. I've learned that not everyone who stands under a banner... attends services... serves, "ministers" etc etc etc... not everyone in those positions has enough light of the Lord within them to shine light and love and wholeness and healing toward adoptive families. Instead it appears it is their delight to sow strife... foster rebellion... and create a hostile environment between us and our children. They are the ones whose "prayer circles" are gossip central. They chew up our kids stability as they satisfy their unholy appetites entertained by the drama surrounding our children's mental illness. These people, believe they are "serving God" as they walk out their desire to play savior instead of praying to the Savior. They get a sick thrill out of attacking our families and patting themselves on the back for the "good work" they're doing. These who believe they are standing under the Cross have been the unkindest of all. If only they would put their efforts to making a positive difference in the lives of orphaned children instead of meddling in our families. Have they adopted children born addicted... yeah no... didn't think so.
My hubby and I are grateful there is MUCH encouragement for us in the Bible... and we are grateful for the remnant of those who REALLY know the Lord... and are CAPABLE and successful in shining His light and love. We are grateful for those who hear of our "situation" and speak of it to God asking for healing for our adoptees for healing of the hurts that started long before we ever met them... and for healing of our family of all the pain parenting children adopted out of trauma continues to bring to our lives.
2 comments:
We have experienced that as well. People did not seem willing to step in and offer respite when they saw how much we were struggling - and yet they were judging us mercilessly and more than willing to "friend" my kids on FB after they left our home. Everyone wants to be a savior and we have just had to remove ourselves from the situations with friends/relatives that are too painful - knowing we will never convince others of what we have endured. I assume my two have continued ranting about the alleged abuse in our home - they seem to feed off the attention and it truly is the only way they can legitimately excuse their behaviors. Also, no one in their new lives can meet us because I'm sure we would seem quite different than the stories they've heard. I understand all that. The only way I can describe it to anyone at this point is to say, "They have serious mental illnesses - much worse than we ever realized" when people seem shocked that they left the way they have. My son once told me that he wanted me to lose all of my children and would do whatever it took to get himself a new family - all because we wouldn't let him stay up past his bedtime to watch a movie. This would have been laughable had I not known how serious he was and what he was willing to say and do to make it happen. Living under the threat of false cps allegations made me very angry and not exactly willing to "forgive and forget" quickly. We had a cps worker who actually wrote in the last investigative report that I commented that I had not expected any of this - I truly hadn't, but she was surprised I hadn't. Why? I truly didn't know this was typical. No one ever told me that this even could happen, and yet the worker acted like it was a "same old, same old" occurrence. We were complimented and told we could be a therapeutic foster home - no thank you, we certainly weren't volunteering to do this again and again.
We are very, very cautious of any contact our daughter initiates. We have very clearly informed her that we expect her to get help (and back on meds if required) before we can begin to consider repairing our relationship, but she doesn't seem willing to do that. I think the best thing at this point is to be very clear about expectations and then let them decide what they're willing to do. My dd was dx'd with borderline personality disorder shortly before 18 and began DBT therapy, but she is a textbook case. Thankfully we educated ourselves and see much of her behvaiors/tactics for what they are.
Unfortunately my 17yo has emerging BPD, but doesn't have the cognitive ability or insight (due to that early trauma) needed to do DBT therapy. It was easier to accept with her older brother who we didn't adopt until he was almost 15. We seriously thought we had a chance with his sister.
Our son (almost 19) moved out a few months before he graduated high school, because we threatened to take his iPod because he wouldn't do any chores (evil parents that we are!). He bounced from friend parent to friend parent, never staying anywhere long enough for anyone to catch on that he can't actually handle relationships. We were lucky that his attempts at vengeance against us were pretty mild.
Post a Comment