"Fertilizer" Happens!

Years ago when the "sh!! happens" bumper stickers started popping up all over the place, I became convinced that NOTHING is wasted in God's economy... even sh!! is used for fertilization... and eventually makes good ground for growing. 

I wanted to market "Fertilizer Happens" bumper stickers. Still do!

Hubby and I were anxiously anticipating how "the holidays" would go... our first year "alone" and...

...we're having fun... which is awesome!!!

We do have micromoments of sadness for the choices our RADs continue to make... but we don't get to make their choices, they do... we are responsible for keeping our hearts tender and forgiving through it all... which at some moments is easier said than done... but well worth the efforts.

Here we are our 4th "Holiday Season" since RADs melted down.  4th holiday season of estrangement from them by their choice.  We can see so very much more clearly how God is using the "fertilizer" to grow us in His love and to bless us with friendships so much deeper than the "fair weather friend" variety.

This morning (New Year's Eve) as I'm counting my so many blessings, I'm blown away how God has used horrific circumstances to abundantly bless us!!!

I was remembering the story of Corrie Ten Boom being in Nazi concentration camps thanking God for infested unlivable conditions, and later seeing exactly how the unlivable conditions she had thanked God for was being used to bless them.    <=  Read it if you have time... get tissues.

All my "horrible moments" combined don't compare to what Corrie and her sister encountered in that passage alone.  Their God inspired hope in the midst of hopeless circumstances have certainly inspired me and countless others.

One nickname I have (from high school referring to a traumatic head injury) helps me to remember that it continues to be my prayer to praise God in ALL circumstances... because He is worthy.   When that nicknaming injury happened I literally fell down (from the weight of the blow) praising God.  I was a relatively "new" believer back then... and I continue to earnestly pray "Lord, WHATEVER happens, help me to be confident in Your promises that You love me, You intend to bless me, no weapon formed against me shall prosper, even what an enemy intends for my harm You will use to bless me... Lord, help me in the midst of traumas that knock me off my feet to fall down praising you!"

What a gift it is to be confident in God's love for me!!!!

If you are not YET confident that God loves you... my prayer is that as you read this, your heart would get a glimmer of the TREMENDOUS love the God of all has for you personally!!!! 

They Know... Struggle to Understand the Motive; Yet They Themselves Also Inflict the Pain of Abandonment

I was talking with one of my awesome Adoptive Mom friends... She also knows the "I love you" but won't see you phenomenon of the adult estranged adoptees.

She's pursing her estranged ones a little more actively than I have peace about doing with our estranged RADs.  (I don't for a second mean to imply either of us are wrong... I believe God's peace leads us along the best paths for our lives.)

I was trying to comfort her letting her know that these kids who have genuinely experienced abandonment have pains so deep that we, children who have had the loving presence of both parents for life, can merely imagine the depths of.

I don't remember her exact words, but... it was something along the lines of...

They know the pains of abandonment... they struggle to understand HOW anyone (specifically their bio-parents) could abandon someone (the child "given up") they are supposed to love... and yet that is exactly what our estranged kids are doing and they don't even see it!   They are abandoning the parents they are supposed to love, and YES, WE DO KNOW THE PAIN OF ABANDONMENT THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!   Just like THEY should never have been abandoned by their first parents... THEY should have never abandoned us the real parents that raised and love them.

Hmmmm... yes... we know the pain... I still believe their pain is deeper.   Young adults are supposed to embark on their adult life apart from their parents.   It would be beautiful if they were capable of maintaining loving ties to the parents who love them.  We each do have that healthy thriving relationship with our other child(ren).

Recently in the course of living I've had the opportunity to speak to a string of "estranged adult children" mostly "bio kids" each estranged for very different reasons.  So very sad.

Each estranged-from-parents adult either perpetual "loners" or with a long string of short relationships.

With several of these "coincidental" (?? doubt it!!!) recent encounters, I had the opportunity to express to each my husband's and my own yearning for reciprocally loving adult parent-child relationships with our estranged adult adoptees.  I've explained that we are eager to see them happily live the life they desire as adults, we just truly wish that their desired adult life could include a connection to us on some level.

Each estranged adult child (from early 30's to Senior Citizen) said they knew their parent's loved them, and confirmed that they loved their parents despite their own (in all but one situation) chosen estrangement.  

There's been quite a bit in the news lately about "strong relationships" and "close personal ties" and "close family relationships" being critical in determining a person's ability to "overcome" the various obstacles of life.

Here's an article from PLOS Medicine on Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review .

Meanwhile... we continue to pray the very best for the children we love. 

Nothing To Do With Anything Really... Except Fun and Awesomeness

Hubby and I saw THE COOLEST bird ever the other day....

I got home and checked my bird book to see if I could find the name of the critter...

Nope... not in that book anyway.

I've been spending wayyy too much time looking online trying to find the bird...

I''m thinking it's an "upright perching waterbird."  From the back it looked like it was perched like it was trying to dry it's wings a bit... and was tall and narrow yet so fluffy on the top as we passed its front.

It had the COOLEST elaborate FLUFFY tuft of feathers on its head(possibly winter plumage???) 

The bird was mostly black but had white polkadots along its wings... or across its belly.

Beak was kind of yellow-y orange. 

I know I've seen something like it before... It was soooooooo pretty!   I'm not sure if I saw it at a zoo or in a photo, maybe in a nat geo mag... but this was a random sighting right along a relatively quiet (for that time of day) road just as the sun was setting.  What a thrill to see it out in "the wild" ..."natural habitat" of our suburbia.

I'd not consider myself a "birder" but I do love to see gorgeous birds and my one and over the years the only bird book has gotten plenty of use as I've tried to identify the beauties that have caught my eye.

I do have a "birder" friend... she tells me our area gets a great deal of "misplaced by storms" rare sightings.

This year Christmas has brought some early presents... interesting theme on the early gifts... "fire and ice" hmmm....

Our oldest wanted to make sure we got to enjoy snow this year... She found an interesting way to make that happen...
 

 

Annnnd my hubby has gifted me with an outdoor chiminea style fireplace (and an arriving in a few weeks patio to enjoy it on) I'm so excited!!!!!  I've been lighting a big candle in it indoors to enjoy it while keeping us safe (and it clean) until patio is finished. 

On the "bummer" side of things my "awesome Orlando tiara wearing moms" keychain broke while I was doing holiday errands. 

On the still-awesome side of things...I still have the photo... ANNNND the memories....  ANNNND I'll see them again soon!!!!!!

The Gift of Giving... and the Most Extravagant Christmas

One day before the special needs sibling group of three children entered our home and doubled the size of our family, my husband was laid off from his job.  His boss had found out hubby's political views were different than his and that was the end of his employment there.  Hubby said in the exit interview, "You know I'm in the process of adopting three kids right?" 

His boss's reply... "Just tell them you can't take 'em!"

God carried us!

With double the family and far less than half the income, that first Christmas was lean... I wondered how we could "give" these kids anything more than a home and ourselves.

One day a few days before Christmas, our social worker showed up in a big station wagon filled to brimming with unwrapped brand new toys... she explained because it was a "foster-to-adopt" situation, she was able to get our kids some gifts the community had donated for foster kids... even though, as far as we were concerned, ... these kids were never foster kids in our home... they were "our family."

I thought we must be first on the list of deliveries, because, like I said... the station wagon was BRIMMING with toys.

I thought, wow... now the adoptees will have a gift, but our bio child will have none...

Let me just tell those who don't already know how very much it sucks as a parent to feel like you're unable to provide all you'd like to for the kids God has blessed you with.  Simply put, Dear Hubby and I felt like failures.  Our social worker encouraged us that despite hubby's recent unemployment, we were able to provide our children a safe, nurturing, loving home, and unaddicted parents... which is far more than their unemployed bio family was able to provide.   

Choked up, I thanked the social worker as she handed me a couple of gifts out of the car and I turned back toward the house.

The social worker asked, "Where are you going????"  Everything in this station wagon is for your family!!!!

I couldn't believe how very generous people had been!!!!!

It is SOOOOOO HUMBLING to be the receiver of such generosity!!!!

There were some duplicates of items... some things we already owned... those gifts provided us the opportunity to GIVE to others. 

"Giving" is my absolute favorite Christmas gift!

This morning's TV news "feel good" holiday stories of generosity reaching out to underprivileged people in the community brought me back to the year we had the most extravagant Christmas ever...

I still just can't thank people enough for being so generous!!!!  

Merry Christmas Y'all

Merry Christmas to all my friends (who read this... and even those who don't!)

And Happy New Year!!!!

We've been busy with my brother's family visiting... which is always so nice!!! His two are still so young, but growing quickly and we always have such fun seeing them and playing with them.  We were just at their house before Halloween.  After we left the little one was reported to have said repeatedly he "ONLY" loves me and my hubby.   Ha ha.  Nice to know some kids find us loveable! 

The two little ones were at first quite shy of our new puppy, but the older one warmed up quickly.  When we all met at a nearby amusement park, the little guy told us our dog was mean because he kept kissing him.  Awww... maybe next visit our puppy will be less kissy faced.

This is such a busy time.  I'm not missing Facebook at all.  I'm glad to have closed it!

During a Christmas party we saw a friend, grandmother to many little ones... I think she told me her latest count is 7.  She still has a little one at home herself.... her baby is 10 or 11 years old.  She asked how "things" were going with our estranged kids.  I told her the older of the two is transforming us into grandparents while estranged.  This friend told me quite emphatically I "NEED TO FIGHT" for my rights to see that grandchild!!!  That grandchild NEEDS her grandparents. 

We pray for our kids, and our newly developing granddaughter.  I will not "FIGHT' for my rights to see any of my grandkids.  Sorry.  It's not that they're not worth it.  It's not that they don't "need" our love.  It's that RAD is Mom... and Mom is RAD.  

The only fight I find worth fighting regarding our RADkids is on my knees. 

Meanwhile on the still-estranged-sonny-delight front, our oldest called and shared her frustration, she had reached out to give a heads up that Christmas greetings were on the way and found out from her estranged from us brother's wife that they had moved... and noone told her... and he's deployed... and didn't tell her.  I encouraged our oldest that in ANY relationship, where communication is less than she'd desire or where she'd like to be treated differently in any manner, it is perfectly appropriate to speak up and let her desires be known.  I told her she's not doing anyone any favors to secretly stew about how she's perceived mistreatment.  She asked how things worked in my siblings and my adult relationships.  I explained that all families are different.  It seems most often women are more likely to try and keep in touch.

With My siblings Mom has always been the central connection for address updates, deployments and various tidbits of interesting sibling activities.  We do connect on our own, but rely on hearing summaries of activities from Mom.  Naturally some siblings stay in contact more with some than others.  We also have a cool first cousin that started annual family address updates.  I really appreciate that labor of love.  It keeps us up-to-date on not only addresses, but birthdays, and children and pets and as they have come along grandchildren.

I explained to our oldest that non-communication from her estranged-from-us adopted brother and his wife is not necessarily a snub... and the best way to let anyone know what we'd like in any relationship is to speak up. 

Catching Up With an Old Friend

My hubby loves to fiddle with computers.  He considered making a business of it, but could never bring himself to charge much more than the part itself.  I encouraged him to do the work as a ministry to others... charging only for what he might need to lay out for a part he doesn't have.  He LOVES helping others... and he loves fiddling with computers... perfect match.

A friend I keep up with, sent a mutual friend I've not seen nor heard from in YEARS our way to see if DH could help solve computer woes.

The call came through me... and me and my friend from long ago got to "catch up."

This old friend knew me from "pre-adoption" days.   She knew me quite well through the "hoping to adopt soon" days.  We lost contact in the "gee adopting these kids requires so much more of my attention than I imagined, but I'm glad to give them what they need" stage.

In some ways it seems like only yesterday we were spending quality time together, in other ways it seems like ten lifetimes ago.  It was good to "catch up."

I noticed something as I was updating my friend on what's going on since we last spoke... my perspective of this ordeal is less focused on my pain.

 I kept emphasizing despite how very painful the RADtypical behaviors are for my husband daughter and me; we, the family scorned, we are certain our estranged adoptees must be hurting to extremes we simply can not imagine.


  

Holidays and Estranged RADs

Our oldest is visiting and we are LOVING our time with our still sweet and cuddly, capable of reciprocating love child.

We all are having fun with the new puppy... what a nice treat to have the pitter patter of his little feet around the house!!!

Cousins will come up to visit while our daughter is here... and everything has been quite joyous.

We do have our moments. 

Today for example shopping in a store that was completely decked out for the holidays... Christmas music was playing... and my hubby grumbled... "I HATE Christmas!"

I told him I loved him, and I loved the fact that I get to spend Christmas with him...

My sweet tenderhearted hubby who loves our children so very much burst out crying "Our family is broken!  I hate it!  This is not what Christmas is supposed to be!" 

I've been trying to balance the pain associated with RADtypical attacks against us, with the knowledge that truly this is NOT personal, it's mental illness... I wondered tonight if our RADs are capable of empathy... are the capable of realizing their behaviors cause pain, and be sorry for it. 

I remembered when our kids were first placed with us... our new daughter was very concerned for the people she'd seen sleeping under the bridge.  That seems pretty darned empathetic. 

I also remember it taking seemingly forever for them to be sorry for more than getting caught... BUT when they finally would "get it" they'd get it... and demonstrate what appeared to be appropriate regret and sorrow for hurting others. 

So I'm encouraged through my memories of who they were... and we're still praying for them... alot!!!

As much as 3.5 years later our pre-adoption core family is coping SO MUCH BETTER than we have been since the RAD's conjoined meltdown and attack against us... it still sucks knowing we have poured every good thing we have into children who are "done" with us... not just "done and gone" but done, gone, and still "working" the "poor pathetic abused orphan" game for whomever knows us,  is willing to listen, and reward them with money, gifts, time and attention in exchange for the entertainment their concocted tales of woe provide.    

Anyway... I'm trying to focus more on the awesome things God gives us... and there is certainly to be very grateful for!  We keep praying for all... and we're so very grateful to know we are not the only adoptive parents going through this.

Happy Thanksgiving! 

The Kind of Mom I Wanted to Be

There was a woman who really inspired me as a kid.  She was a great role model for the kind of mom I wanted to be.  She was an adoptive mom.  I don't remember her name, I don't remember her daughter's name, but I do remember the kind of parents she and her husband were... and I wanted to be parents like them. 

Invested.  Interested.  Devoted. 

Mission accomplished.  It's nice to look back with confidence knowing I've achieved one of the hearts desires I've had as a life's goal. 

It was soooo cool to have been back in the old neighborhood seeing "their" house again.  I thought about knocking on the door... and letting them know what an impact they had made in my life.  The house looked like yuppies had taken over.  And I wasn't sure if their house was one in, or two in from the corner.  I opted not to knock and see. 

In my mind I wondered how a visit might have gone.  I wasn't so eager to see former friend who was my age, but I was eager to see her parents.  (I recall not especially liking her...but I really loved how her parents loved her!!!)

There was a part of me that wanted to hear about their brand of "happily ever after" regarding their adoption.  I wanted to hear how their kid "turned out."  I wanted to hear about their inspiration for adoption. 

The adoptive couple had introduced me to the card game "Bullshit!" where the purpose of the game is to lie again and again and get away with it. 

I wondered after raising RAD adoptees if that game was part of RADtastic parenting to cope with the profuse lying associated with Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

As we passed the street where their house was, I asked my mom if she remembered my friend from years gone by... Mom didn't... it's okay... I didn't remember their names either.   

Maybe I'll have the gumption to knock and inquire about them the next time I'm in town. 

Our New Bundle of Joy!

We've adopted again. 

We'd planned to do so after we had gotten some travel out of the way... We wanted to be "fully present" for our new addition... "when the time comes." 

We've got a little fluffy puppy... he is ADORABLE!!!!    We've given him the same name our daughter had chosen for the first teddybear she'd ever really named all by herself.

It is an adorable and cutesy name... he is an adorable and cutesy pup.  He is guessed to be a small mixed breed. 

He's estimated to be about 4 months old.  He can already "fetch" and "sit" on command.  Smart puppy!!!

I wonder if he's older.  The "pros" decided his age by his teeth... because he was abandoned with his (already adopted-out) sibling.

It's nice to have the happy pitter-patter of happy little feet around the house!

I'm a tad freaked... 'cause if this guy lives as old as our other small dog... (20) That would put me close to 70 when he could potentially "cross the rainbow bridge."  Yikes.  I have no problem with me being about half a century... no problem with that at all... No problem with the "snow on my roof" but the thought of how quickly the 20 years with our last sweet pup flew by... yikes!!!!!!

I have a feeling I  should buckle up!!!!  It's already been a heck of a ride!!!!  

Looking Forward

What a delight it is to have things to look forward to!!!!!

Hubby and I just returned from a month and a half of traveling, and the anticipation of the getaway was almost as delightful as the actual get away itself!

For our 29th anniversary we decided to cruise Canada's St Lawrence Seaway in search of fall colors.  We left our home in the land of balmy palm trees and sandy beaches and headed towards what we don't normally get to enjoy in the comforts of our own home.

The cruise was DELIGHTFUL!!!!    Our ship left Manhattan and we sailed north.... I got the biggest kick out of sitting on our boat deck and watching our ship's pool and curly yellow slide pass under the Varazanno bridge.  I was thrilled to watch as Lady Liberty wished us a bon-voyage. 

As we returned to the ship at the first port we visited, I noticed the ship's crew at the welcome center all using their electronic devices.... "Hmmm... free wi-fi?" I wondered. 

I put my phone into wi-fi mode and was pleased to see messages trickle in.  It was there that I got the next RAD punch in the gut.  Oh this really seems to be a life-long journey.  A concerned individual sent me the ultrasound our 3years estranged RAD had posted.  We're going to be grandparents.

I am the kind of person that is always happy to hear about babies.   Abounding joy was not my first reaction. 

I've heard "Baby-Daddy" has three other kids by other women.  This is his fourth... her first. 

I know people from my generation who have been "tied" to their child's "other parent" in much less than joyous scenarios. 

I know the heartache of raising children whose "first parents" were not there for them. 

I have no idea what this generation's multiple "baby-mommas/baby-daddies" is like.

Well... that's not true... my sister-in-law at 15 met a 40 year old man at the teenage hang out who had a very successful line "In my country you are considered a woman, not a child!"  It worked on about six different 13-16 year old girls who also carried his children.  (God knows how many never conceived!!!!)

I know my nephew is a very broken individual.  He grew up in a town full of his half-siblings.  We saw him go through the "where is my daddy, why does he hate me?" He's spent the first decade and a half of his adult life floating between jail and rehab.  His mother has always used men for all they could give her then thrown them to the curb.  My heart breaks for my nephews over the more than subliminal message that my sister-in-law keeps showing her sons of what men are good for.

Broken people... having broken people... having broken people... Hubby's sisters are all half-sisters... their bio dad died of cirrhosis of the liver mid 40's.  They each have their major issues. 

ugh... I was so much happier focusing on the positive... thinking about our beautiful trip, and all the loving family and friends we got to see!!!!  

We spent the full month after the cruise visiting family... so very wonderful!!!

Many of those we visited will be visiting our home very soon.... I not only have to unpack... I have to get ready for their arrival. 

I'm smiling again with anticipation!!!!   I think I'm going to make some countdown calendars for our various visitors arrival... 

God please help me to focus on the positive!!!!

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Thank God for Bedbugs

Bedbugs.

Thank God!

They were the final inspiration that brought a friend's RAD son home from the very dangerous situation he had been living in. 

I had seen his mother's comment that Thank God her son who had been estranged for over a year had returned. 

I privately messaged her letting her know I was happy for her... but angry and doing my best to deal with my anger before the sun went down. 

Years ago our families attended the same little church. 

When her adopted son was very small, she and her family moved thousands of miles away.  Facebook helped us keep in touch. 

Many of the "good christians" who were our former pewmates who continue to be SO VERY HORRIBLE to our family during  and since our RAD's meltdown... were all "liking" and "commenting" about how wonderful it was my friend's son had returned home. 

It turned my stomach... and I was angry!

My gracious friend called me from THOUSANDS of miles away... and talked with me, and encouraged me. 

Together we prayed.  Together we were grateful for "whatever it takes" that would turn our kids hearts home toward the parents who love them. 

Together we thanked God for bedbugs, because bedbugs are what brought her son back home.

Naturally there is still a long way to go... but meanwhile together... we remain grateful... for bedbugs.

Our Daughter's First Sign of Attachment

The first time I ever saw our new daughter express genuine concern for our family, my heart was overwhelmed. 

Up until that day, most of the time our daughter walked around like a robot, and hugged like an ironing board, but as soon the social worker's car pulled up the driveway, our newest daughter would snuggle up to Daddy in a way that was far too "mature" and far to inappropriate for a little girl.  She'd giggle in in an saccharin sweet voice "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Daddy.... tee hee hee!  You're soooooo funny!" while running her little fingers along his hair neck and shoulders. 

She'd stay in that spot until the social worker's car left the driveway.   Then she'd blankly-robotically go back to her room... and resumed her "ignoring" us behavior. 

I read it as "PLEASE SOCIAL WORKER DON'T MOVE ME AGAIN!"  

And I immediately notified the social worker that we ONLY saw that behavior when her car was in our driveway... we let her know it disappeared as quickly as it came. 

I think I've written about this before here... not sure if I ever posted it. 

The memories of who our kids were when we first met them, who they became as part of our family, who they became at the "age appropriate season of detachment as young adults" haunt me. 

Some memories haunt me more than others. 

The "attachment sign" memory is one that I don't mind popping up from time to time.  It continues to give me much hope.

Before we had a cellphone... hubby was stuck on the side of the highway with minor car trouble he felt he could fix if he could get his tools.  A good Samaritan stopped and loaned a phone for him to call me to come with tools. 

I piled the kids in the mommymobile (read minivan) and off we went. 

We had to pass hubby on the highway, exit, turn around and reenter to get to him on the other side. 

We spotted him.  Stuck on the other side. 

Our newest daughter began SOBBING.  She hated that he was stranded... and that cars were driving by... and that we had to drive by too. 

My heart breaks each time I remember the depths of her grieving her new daddy's lot. 

Those feelings were raw.  And REAL.  And CARING. 

This child who for as long as we'd known her SEEMED so indifferent to us all... really cared for him... for us.

I miss my caring daughter.  I believe she is out there... but the triggers of becoming a young adult... surrounded by "friends" tickling her ears about her "rights" as a young adult and "friends" my age who delight in poisoning her mind against us... because then she "needs" them.

Our daughter is out there wandering the junkyard of life out there in robot land... Officer RAD... big and tough... and ready to "take on the world."

She's heavily armored... She's been injured most by the "friends" trying to help her.  She's using everything she's got to protect the little girl we love... and miss.

Foster Care in the News

Huffington Post has a nifty article on traumatized foster kids overcoming great odds as a adolescents...

Cool article, I hoped to make an annonymous comment... not possible.  so I'll link the article here and the comment I intended to leave (but wouldn't have been able to even if I did register... because as usual, my comment is longer than 250 characters.)

Finding Hope After Trauma by Gary Stangler 

As an adoptive parent of a "special needs sibling group" adopted out of our state's foster system in 1994, I'm very grateful our adoptive children's adoption social worker had the foresight to "guarantee" psychiatric care until age 18 for all three!!!  I can't express how desperately psychiatric intervention for the three was needed "after 18!"

I'm not normally a fan of putting a video game in the hands of a child and calling them a "child" until they are 30, however ...in the case of mentally ill individuals (especially in the case of our "special needs sibling adoption group")  I 100% see the benefits of extending psychiatric care past 18 for "attachment disordered" adoptees!!!!!

"Over-18" is where our adoptees have had THE MOST difficulty! 

They have accomplished much... they still have so very far to go!  I remain hopeful!

The age-appropriate season of "detachment" as young-adults to begin to embark on their "adult lives" reawakened the abandonment issues and RAD behaviors in our adopted children that were troubling to see in young children, and horrifying to see as they became young adults.   

Our "overcame-so-much" Honor-Rolled college student who completed most of her AA degree as a dually enrolled high school student went for one semester out-of-state to college... then dropped out and returned home a completely different person!!!

The Reactive Attachment Disorder we believed she was healed of, was back in ways we never imagined possible.

Her adoption benefit of unlimited psychiatric care had "run out."  Our daughter was eligible for care through our family insurance plan as long as she remained a full-time student... but she had quit school.  We offered to pay for her psychiatric care but she refused.  She continued to spiral downward under the unethical "counsel" of an overzealous student of psychology, who encouraged her to call her "mom."  That lady who bought our daughter's affections with expensive gifts she could not afford (like a car) became "mom" to our 21 year old daughter.  Three years later in the eyes of our adopted daughter that "RAD typically triangulated" woman is still "mom" and I am not. 

I have since learned this behavior of early-traumatized adoptees adopting gullible new families when they are young adults phenomenon is quite common behavior for Attachment Disordered individuals who were adopted out of orphanages or the foster system.

We learned, in our neck of the woods anyway,  parental rights regarding psychiatric issues expire before a child reaches 18. 

... Our simultaneously spiraling-downward (unofficially diagnosed "inhibited form" RAD) at 2-months-to-18-year-old son was supposedly getting the psychiatric "help" we so very strongly encouraged him to participate in, but we as parents had no right, according to his counselor, to information on his progress or lack-thereof... "It's not like medical records... the laws are different... I'm not allowed..."  

Like his "officially diagnosed RAD" older sister, our son chose his own set of "new parents" as is common for legally-adult adoptees with  attachment disorders to do.   

As painful as it is to experience this rejection from children we have poured the very best of everything we have into... their "coping mechanism" kind of makes sense.    It is familiar to them... their "roots" have been pulverized.  I don't fully understand their behavior because my life's experiences are so drastically different than theirs.  My family has always been my family.  They joined my family.  They have been grafted in... they have access to my roots, but my roots have not always been their roots.  Their roots have never been my roots. 

They have experienced traumas I would never wish on anyone.  They are coping as best as they know how.

Our adopted children had lived separately as foster children were only "placed together, 'as a sibling group' for adoption" when their bio-mom was required to terminate her parental rights for issues of abuse/neglect/abandonment. 

The oldest I was told lived 8 years with one foster family...

The middle I was told had an estimated 17 different families...

The youngest was removed from bio-mom's "care" shortly after birth and bounced between 5 or six homes that I'm aware of before coming home to ours. 

The three children (placed with us at ages 2.5, 6, and 13) had come to us at an "interim" foster placement after a "failed special-needs-sibling-group adoptive placement."  They EACH had experienced numerous psychological (and other) traumas before ever being placed in our family. 

According to our children's social worker, this beautiful, symptomatically RAD initially-charming child never lasted more than 90 days in any one foster or adoptive placement. 

The social worker wanted "this" adoptive placement to work out.  We did too! 

I'm grateful to see the overcoming the impacts of difficult beginnings related to foster adoption story in the news. 

I'm eager for the world-at-large to learn about Reactive Attachment Disorder and how to best support the mental health of individuals who have experienced trauma during the most important years of brain development.  

I too have tremendous hope for our children who had overcome so much before we ever knew who they were, who have accomplished so much as young adults, and who STILL have a lonnnnng way to go!!!! 

Finally!!!!

We have been asking certain family members for more than three years that IF they choose to have contact with our estranged adult adoptees...

PLEASE learn about Reactive Attachment Disorder!

PLEASE learn how to best be supportive of adoptive families as a whole!

PLEASE learn about triangulation that is symptomatic of RAD... and don't allow yourself to be triangulated! 

We never forbade family to see or talk to our children.  We have only asked for a consistent message of  "Your parents love you, YOU NEED TO TALK TO THEM NOT ME about what's going on between you."

Somewhere along the line the easily triangulated ones with the "rescuer" gene would fluctuate between,

"Let's all smile pretty and pretend nothing happened!"

and

 "Don't worry, just because your parents suck, IIIII still love you!  You'll ALWAYS have MY love!"

and

"I have to hear both sides of the situation before I can make a proper judgement about what's going on between you and your parents." 

It seems like last night FINALLY one couple of the most painful perpetuate-ers of strife in our family seemed to "get" how their "good intentioned" meddling has continued to hurt us and our family over the last three years. 

This is huge!!!!

We are grateful for progress. 

We are grateful for family and friends who support our adoptees' return to mental health by supporting our family as a whole. 

We continue to pray for the rest. 

Desperately Seeking Shock and Horror Sympathy and Gifts

Before there was Barney... I was a kid.

Even though there was no Barney, I watched a TV kid show with a singing Dinosaur called H.R. Pufnstuf...

I remember me and the siblings laughing and giggling and singing Witchiepoo's song...
even though we got the lyrics wrong...

As a kid I thought the lyrics were "Oranges Poranges Who Cares!"

Oranges Poranges

When I think "who cares?!" 

I think "Oranges Poranges." 

Feel free to thank me for getting that song caught in your brain!


I've been trying to figure out our estranged "officer RAD"'s motivation for reaching out to our more gullible  extended family to "visit" on a trip up to our home town. 

Yes, there's always the symptomatic RADtypical Triangulation aspect. 


It occurred to me this morning her "audience" of sympathy back here in the town she was raised might actually be waning.

As I think, I wonder...How long can gainfully employed "young adults" continue to gain sympathy, gifts, money, affection, and attention for the various abuses they're pretending to have endured in our care?  Sooner or later the gravy train will dry up. 

The act gets stale... at least that's what I would think.

 Shoot, I can't imagine what motivates the crazies who slurped up our RAD's drama and ended up drooling for more... these nutsos pay for their "real-life-is-better-than-soap-operas" brand of entertainment rewarding our adult RADs with "love" and money and gifts, and sympathy and attention, but I think...I hope... that eventually they might tire of the same old drivel. 

I think perhaps the long-standing local :rescuers" may finally be picking up on the fact that our loving-attached-well-adjusted daughter who grew up in the same home with the same "abusive" parents doesn't want or need them to rescue her from us.  Perhaps the self-appointed-"saviors" are picking up on the "You make me sick, what's the matter with you? Leave our family alone!" vibe our oldest has toward the "church community" who have continued to meddle, and drool and meddle and drool and "rescue.

Certainly they must pick up on the fact that for every week-long+ visit our oldest only willing to spend about an hour or less with the siblings who have attacked our family and perpetuate tales insane falsehoods.

Our now 3-years-older-adult-RADs are not as pitiful as they first appeared when they started their RADtypical triangulation of the community at large against us.

Shoot, in the land of the gainfully employed our "pathetic abused little darlings" are doing better than most of the adult children of their RADtypically triangulated meddlers!

I imagine somewhere even in "rescuers" whose brains have faulty wiring... would eventually have a light come on!!!  How could it not?

Some parents have always been bums.  I'm not saying that to be mean... I'm saying that because generations upon generations of our adoptees' bio-family have allowed "the system" to raise their kids. Lousy parenting is a generational way of life for them... for people in their drug infested environment.  I

We are not lousy parents.  We never have been. 
Half the shock and horror effect that has the insanely deranged audience captivated by... 
THE SCANDAL of our "Beautiful Family"
... is the supposition that we have had this "plastic perfect" exterior while living a secret life of abuse that  would make the next great scandalous reality show.

Our "story" would be far less captivating if we had always been bums in their eyes.  These drama hungry goons put us on a pedestal in comparing our beautiful family to the mess they had made of their own.  They have since enjoyed pushing us off their pedestal, trying to make us crumble, because they are eager to dance in our dust.  It makes them feel better to think we are at least as horrible as they know they have been. 

As our adult RADs broaden their adult-circle in the big outside world and begin to encounter people who were left to grow up in the environment social services removed them from...BEFORE they came to us...  I'm sure there is not much tolerance for our adoptees' "tales of woe" having been raised in our nurturing home... especially as they encounter individuals who were REALLY raised in abusive/neglectful/deprived environments. 

Anyway It seems officer RAD, in reaching out to family she's only related to through the parents she denies, with hopes chasing down a new audience, looking to renew reactions of shock-horror-and-sympathy-and-gifts with those gullible individuals most likely to be generous once entertained by RAD drama. 

I suspect the drama is finally loosing it's power. 
Drama that has been officer RAD's bread and butter;
her roof  and pillow;
her transportation and gifts;
her attention and sympathy...
let's not forget her "only" source of "love."

Oh how I would love for our daughter's RADtypical drama to start to get "Oranges Poranges! Who Cares!" as a response instead of Shock and Horror and Sympathy and Gifts.

When our RADs stop getting tangible and not so tangible reinforcement for their RADtypical behavior, I'm certain they will begin to be encouraged to make healthy choices along life's path.

Hope and Love

I've been consoling myself with the fact that our love for our adopted children has not been wasted... that because Love is eternal...  We have invested well, we continue to invest well... even if our adoptees don't have the ability to love us on this side of eternity.  Our continued investment of Love is one of the eternal treasures we will not loose as we pass to the other side of eternity. 

We began to really understand RAD better after our adult adoptees' "conjoined meltdown" as we read the books published years after the diagnosis that our now-adult adopted daughter was given just as she was placed with us for adoption. 

 Regarding RAD, I was educated after my kids were raised to adulthood, that Love is not enough... by Nancy Thomas... 

When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD  was the first book published for parents raising Attachment Disordered.  It was published three years after our RAD daughter was "officially diagnosed."  It's one of the first books I came across in trying to understand what was going on in the minds of our beloved adopted adult children. 

Love may not be enough... but it's necessary, it's eternal, and we have invested well. 

I've read that "Attachment Disorder" often grows up to be "Borderline Personality Disorder."   From what we've experienced that could very well be the case for our adult adopted children. 

One of the first parenting BPD books I read was titled When Hope is Not Enough by Bon Dobbs. 

I'd been feeling kind of hopeless about hope.  Three years into the insanity of adult adoptee RAD/BPD manipulations/triangulations... hope doesn't "seem to be" working much. 

Most nights as we tuck in, Dear hubby reads us a short devotional from In-Touch Ministries.  The verse about a week ago was from "The Love Chapter" of the Bible. 

1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

How had I possibly forgotten the fact that Hope is eternal????!!!! 

I was instantly encouraged.  Hope is eternal!  Our continued investment hope for our adult adopted children IS NOT WASTED.  Even if we never see on this side of eternity fruit of our invested Hope and Love. 

Faith, Hope, and Love remain... They're eternal.

We have faith in God's promises.... and we continue to invest well. 

Ain't Nobody A Better Mommy for My Baby Than Me!

I have always loved caring for children. 

I studied Early Child Development at a large university. 

Before I had children, I worked at a Day Care Center...  and I was so very grateful to have my first baby "come to work" with me! 

In caring for other people's children, I'd noticed a theme... I call it the "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Of course the bulk of children I'd cared for had all been very well cared for by loving/attentive parents who would strive to provide the very best for their precious children. 

I'd giggle quietly to myself as each mommy would explain in great detail precisely how her baby needed his butt wiped, his food cut, to be burped after every two ounces of formula.  One mommy was concerned her daughter was outgrowing all the beautiful baby dresses friends had given.  Mommy packed four beautiful brand new outfits a day and NEEDED me to change her princess into those outfits during the 8 hours she was in my care every day M-F.  I'd always heed mommy's advice... well, except I probably slacked on the 2-hour costume change request!  Ha ha!  That was over 30 years ago... the child very distinct name.  I just peeked at FB and she's out there... all grown up... but has privacy set so her profile picture is hidden.  I wonder if she has grown up to be the fashion diva her mommy wanted her to be.

Anyway... I noticed this "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in pretty much every parent I had encountered.  It's normal.  Some parents are more ferocious about that quality than others.  I'm not offended when I encounter it from the mom of a child I care for.    I've noticed the syndrome in myself.

When my then childless baby sister (2nd to youngest of 7 kids) began working daycare, she'd be quite devastated by the "critiques" of the mom's she'd encounter in the line of work.   "Do they realize how many diapers I've changed?  Don't they think I know what I'm doing?????!!!!!"  I'd encourage her to relax, it's not personal... it's "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Well years have passed, and Sis has been a mommy for almost 6 years now... and from time to time she shares frustrations about how her children's teacher's, babysitters, caregivers are FAILING her children by failing to heed her parental wisdom.  When that happens I get to talk my sis down memory lane about how she felt being criticized by parents experiencing "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... it's not personal, and if we want them to heed our advice, the less obnoxious we are in presenting "our advice" the more receptive our child's caregiver will be to oblige and think sweet thoughts about our little angels in their care. 

As I mentioned earlier MOST of the children in my care have only had nurturing, attentive, wonderful care. 

Back in Day Care days there were a couple of kids in sad situations.  Two with regularly drunken dads, and one child was one confirmed victim of repeated child-abuse by mommy's boyfriend.... social services was involved and would visit the school from time to time to update reports, or follow up on new claims.  During one visit to the school, I flat-out asked the social worker "how can you allow this child to keep returning home where he gets cigarette burns up and down all four of his limbs and gets bruises the size of his body?!!!!!!"  The social worker replied "we like to keep families together!  ... and it's not the mom who is hurting the child, it's the boyfriend."   ACK!!!!

Best case scenario is usually "Ain't nobody a better mommy for a baby than bio mom" ... in MOST cases.  

Sometimes intervention is needed. 

Two (almost three) of our children became ours because intervention was needed. 

I've heard a lot of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" advice from a lot of mommies over the years. 

The day our "foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" moved into our home the advice we got from "suddenly retiring after having our foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" foster parents was... "You won't need to spend a lot on groceries!  They don't eat much.  The girls ONLY eat mashed potatoes.  The boy ONLY drinks Orange Juice in a bottle." 

We didn't even try to follow that advice!  It did not seem nurturing, nor loving, nor wise.  Our family pediatrician said "no more juice, it's better for him to eat his fruit than drink it" and encouraged us to not feel guilty about withholding mashed potatoes... just keep on presenting "healthy options" they will eat. We did, and they did.  But oh, there was charm, and stubbornness, and triangulation, and testing. 

I recognized in myself the potential for "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... but this situation was different... my position was more... "justified."  

When the "helpful advice" was given, I hadn't yet been introduced to Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I felt justified in my "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... I was GLAD that foster couple had decided to "retire."   (I secretly wondered if they had been "forced" to retire.)   Certainly my brand new "babies" (ages 2.5, a week from 6, and 13) had OBVIOUSLY NOT been "nurtured" for the three months they were in that couple's care. 

Then we got to see the united front the three half-bio-siblings put up to "fight" us on their "dietary needs." Woah... it was hard to blame the old couple for not having the fortitude to maintain the battle. 

The retired couple wanted to visit.  We invited them to come.  First words out of "Mama L"'s mouth was how thin our son had gotten since they had cared for him.Her words blatantly oozed  "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me!"   In our care our son had grown into the "average" zone for height and weight.  If you read a touch of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in that sentence... good eye... 'cause it's there! 

I've tempered my judgment of our children's prior foster couple with understanding of how exactly "strong willed" our new kids were... combined with the knowledge that all moms tend to believe "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" ...even if "our babies" are only "ours" for a short period of time.  I know from working in schools it's tough to see "my kids" from "my classroom" move up to the next grade.  Caring for children... really caring for children... then letting them go, more than tugs at my heartstrings.  Even in classroom settings my hope has always been as I let go that the people that have "my" students next will be as caring, as nurturing, as I had been. 

Fast Forward 17.5 years post-adopting RAD. 

I understand RAD more and more as I view Parenting RAD through the rear-view mirror. 

Our Adult RAD kids have RADtypically triangulated gullible people to become their "new mommies and daddies."   Those people believe about our kids "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me."
Only the "babies" they claim have never been theirs. 

They blame us for our children's problems... Kinda like we blamed the retiring foster couple Mr and Mrs "Momma L" who had our kids three months before they moved into our home. 

Our "officially diagnosed" RAD had 17 foster families/failed adoption placements before she came home to us.  Her problems have nothing to do with  Mr and Mrs "Momma L."  Her problems have nothing to do with us. 

Our Adult RADkid's RADtypically triangulated rescuers don't understand... like we didn't understand... the problems our children have began loooooong before we ever knew them... and long before they spent three months with Mr and Mrs "Momma L."

Baby Mommas

I've heard our estranged daughter's BF of several months is a big guy...

This is one of the first ones she's not fallen in love with his mother, then proclaimed before dating he is the one she will marry.  So that's a change of pace. 

She's going up to where MY family and My in-laws live to meet his family. She wants him to meet our family as well. Officer RAD has invited the gullible ones to meet her man. 

(Can our family be "her" family if she's ONLY related to them through us, and she's disowned us?)

Turns out there's a couple Baby Mommas in this guy's life. 

"But supposedly he's a good dad... he tries to stay in contact with his three kids."

REALLY... I'm happier not knowing. 

Trying to Love My Enemies

Yeah.

Today I saw the family that's been running away from us in public places... we've been praying for them... really. 

Their crap hurts.

As often as their crap hurts us, we pray for them. 

It's obvious they don't have love to offer... and that alone is enough reason for me to pray for them.

Today I called the matriarch by name, she covered her face with her bible, pretending to be reading as she was walking,  I called her name again, she looked up... I told her we've been praying for you and the family.  We have, as a matter of fact I was praying for their family by name on the way to church because we often see their adult son there.  We've never seen the whole family there.

Today I saw a man who used to lead the homeschool sports stuff we brought our kids to.  I was told our "officer RAD" estranged three years responded to a call... "Hey, I saw your daughter not too long ago..." 

Normally I tell people if you see officer RAD... tell her her mommy and daddy love her very much. 



Today... mommy is tired of the bullshit. 

Today mommy would like to imagine life without the ongoing trauma traumatized kids have brought to our lives.   3 years and counting.  God help me.  Please.

So today I was daydreaming about requiring our adult adoptees to give back our name.

Yay...trying to love my enemies...

Matthew 5:43-48 Love for Enemies

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Happy Traumaversary? They've Moved Out of My Home, Would Someone Kindly Evict Them From My Brain?!!!!

Right smack dab between birthday celebrations and our wedding anniversary is our Traumaversary.

It was yesterday. 




Yesterday officially marked 3 years since our adoptees had their "conjoined meltdown" and the older of the two adoptees filed false allegations of abuse against her dad... then filed for (and was denied) a restraining order against both of us because as her sworn application states she "feared for her life."  Trauma, Drama, Devastation.  All so typically RAD. 

Well... Mother's Day I got a text... Father's Day hubby got a text and an email.  We rejoiced because we thought perhaps our persevering hope was winning out. 

Our oldest (bio) has made a point to be home for our birthdays.  We've told her she doesn't need to... but in reality her visit, her real-life-hugs and abundant love is the sweetest gift. 

We were dropping her at the airport last night... it seems a bomb threat along her plane's earlier path set her departure out a few hours past what was originally slated.  The airline explained she should arrive on time "in case" they were able to send plane off as originally scheduled.   This gave us the gift of a few more hours to  enjoy a leisurely meal at the airport before she departed.  I so totally didn't even realize yesterday was THE TRAUMAVERSARY. 

Today I got an invite to join a RAD support group from another adoptive mom parenting RAD who seems to be living our parallel universe RADwise.  I thanked her kindly and started to explain it's been ALMOST three years since we're empty nesters... and I need my focus to be less on what was... more on our future... then I realized... it's not almost three years... it's three years yesterday. 

Most days I'm doing fine.  I have "moments" where I feel deeply the pain they and their rescuers delight to inflict.  Their rescuers feel justified in their insanity because they have fallen into the trap of believing our RADs' RADtypical charm and deception. 

Smack dab in the middle of our oldest child's visit... I WOKE UP ANGRY.  Most days, when I contemplate RADs' gift to us... I'm hurt... I'm sad... but I was surprised how angry I was.  And that's how it hits me.  Right in the middle of abundant JOY here come those feelings.  It's the joyful happy memories that trigger me the most.  I feel so betrayed. 

I have been so betrayed. 

I continue to be betrayed. 

I told my husband I want so desperately to give up on them.  To close that door and never look back.  I don't want to be hurt by them or their "rescuers" anymore.    I've hidden most of their pictures from my sight around the house.  The photos are not destroyed... I think one day I might regret losing those photos.  I just don't want to see them now. 

I want to evict them from my brain. 

Meanwhile most of the "Somebody That I Used to Know" song reminds me of them... because I haven't recognized them in years.  In three years... and counting. 

Blissful Ignorance and a Rearview Mirror

Yesterday, seated behind my hubby at lunch, there was a woman and two young boys (about 10 years old?) I assumed they were mother and sons.

One kid pretty much had his face to the plate and was gobbling his food. The other one was so sweet... so attentive, so sincere, communicative, from time to time he'd offer his mom a taste of something she had asked about on his plate. I got teary... remembering when my son was in "the beautiful years"

Billy noticed me tearing up and asked what was bothering me... all I could choke out was "I'll tell you in the car" 'cause I was on the verge of the big ugly cry.

Hubby goes into "surveillance mode" looking for any of the usual faces of betrayal (who we knew via the church we raised the kids in) that might be in our midst... he says "oh, I see... is that Lisa over there?" Nodding toward the large woman with curly blonde hair and glasses...

Just a few seconds before hubby thinks he's solved it...  directly behind my hubby... facing me, is the charming  distraction that drove me to the brink of sobbing.  The boy says loudly and clearly "My mom NEVER packs me any lunch!"

I tell my hubby "No, it's not Lisa... oh and Crisis Averted" and in one second I go from choked up to giggling the sad giggle with the realization that the "charming little boy" was probably more like our son than I ever realized!

Part of me wants to go back through the beautiful years, now that I UNDERSTAND the diagnosis of RAD so much better... and realize how sick they probably have always been... while I was blissfully ignorant.

Part of me is so very grateful to have been clueless!

Let's Call Them "Kids" 'till They're Thirty!

Soapbox Alert.  This is one of the "soapboxes" I dust off from time to time stand up and rattle on about. 

I'm not a fan of granting "adult-children" all the privileges and none of the responsibilities of adulthood. 

"Florida 627.6562 allows for dependent children up to 25, who live with their parent or are a student, and up to 30 years old, who are also unmarried and have no dependent child of their own, to remain on their parents' insurance." 

I'm concerned about laws like this that keep pushing out the "age of maturity." 

Yes, it's optional... now... but how long until it's mandated that parents become obligated by governmental laws to financially support extended adolescence?

When our 18 and 21 year old RADs were attacking us as "young adults" we were eager to find out FL laws regarding our responsibilities toward our "adult children."  I was grateful to find out over-18, unless court ordered (usually through divorce) we were not obligated to financially support their foolishness.  Other states currently require parents to support their "children" up until age 21!  

I keep hearing "brain experts" say they've used technology to examine the brains of 18-21 year-olds and have found them to be immature and "incapable" of making mature adult decisions.  No wonder!  Our bodies were created in such a way that unused parts atrophy!  That goes for brain cells too!  If  all the little "Jacob"s and little "Sophia"s born last year are not enabled/encouraged/expected by the world surrounding them to begin "doing for themselves" until age thirty... how well prepared will they be when age 30 actually hits?

I can't help but wonder if our "Let's put a video game in their hands and call them 'children' till they're 30" culture has stunted brain development of our young people. 

I KNOW with our early traumatized youth... there is more to their capabilities than what our culture expects of them... but this whole "Congratulations, you have all the rights and none of the responsibilities of an adult" world of insanity is not helping. 

I'm just saying!  

Interesting International news on related topics
http://www.loweringthebar.net/2011/04/man-who-sued-parents-gets-30-days-to-move-out.html

http://www.reuters.com/article/2007/08/02/us-italy-mother-idUSL0288587220070802

Take Heart Adoptive Parents!

Take heart betrayed parents who have poured your lives and your love into the lives of these needy children. Your child's behaviors against you is not personal (even though it feels VERY personal!!!) it is mental illness. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that. Early Trauma affects how the brain develops!

Young adult adoptees "Leaving with a bang" usually by RADtypically triangulating their adoptive parents against whomever is gullible enough to believe their symptomatic Attachment Disordered "deceptive charm" is such a common thing for young adult adoptees to do during the season where it is biologically-age-appropriate for them and their peers to begin embarking into their "adult" lives! I've met so many adoptive families where their (18ish year old) adoptees have not moved out into their own place, have not moved in with peers... instead move in with their "friends" mommies and daddies and start calling them their "new parents" as they pretend for their easily manipulated "rescuers" to have lived lives of abuse in their loving attentive adoptive families. It's almost like these families are experiencing our parallel universe!

I want to encourage you to keep seeking the support of other adoptive parents (In real life... and on the internet!!!!) It is difficult to openly share all the trauma/drama parenting our attachment disordered children has brought into our lives. Some of the "private" or "closed" groups have more detailed support for every level of parenting kids of all ages with RAD diagnosis.

I don't at all mind private messages from parents who are experiencing a similar hell on earth! There really is genuine comfort in knowing we are not alone in loving our children who behave the way they do because they had been through brain altering traumas often starting with inutero exposure to illegal drugs and alcohol, as well as a flood of biomom's stress hormones throughout their prenatal development... combine that with whatever the traumas were that eventually separated them from their birth family... orphancare whether bouncing through the foster system, or rotating staff at actual orphanages... all this long before they ever entered our homes and joined our families.

I've noticed most people understand when there is an explosive teen/young-adult triangulating against a "step" parent... Yet I'm amazed how few people think the "issues" would not NATURALLY be exponentially multiplied when "neither parent" is the biological one.

I have also been amazed to see how much strife comes from members of "pro-life" affiliations who have not themselves adopted. I'm talking churches. I've learned that not everyone who stands under a banner... attends services... serves, "ministers" etc etc etc... not everyone in those positions has enough light of the Lord within them to shine light and love and wholeness and healing toward adoptive families. Instead it appears it is their delight to sow strife... foster rebellion... and create a hostile environment between us and our children. They are the ones whose "prayer circles" are gossip central. They chew up our kids stability as they satisfy their unholy appetites entertained by the drama surrounding our children's mental illness. These people, believe they are "serving God" as they walk out their desire to play savior instead of praying to the Savior.  They get a sick thrill out of attacking our families and patting themselves on the back for the "good work" they're doing. These who believe they are standing under the Cross have been the unkindest of all. If only they would put their efforts to making a positive difference in the lives of orphaned children instead of meddling in our families.  Have they adopted children born addicted... yeah no... didn't think so. 

My hubby and I are grateful there is MUCH encouragement for us in the Bible... and we are grateful for the remnant of those who REALLY know the Lord... and are CAPABLE and successful in shining His light and love. We are grateful for those who hear of our "situation" and speak of it to God asking for healing for our adoptees for healing of the hurts that started long before we ever met them... and for healing of our family of all the pain parenting children adopted out of trauma continues to bring to our lives.

Despite Estrangement, Parental Privileges Are Not Revoked

Dear hubby and I have had an unexplained prayer burden for our son specifically spanning the last 4 days. Our son has not responded to contact since he turned 18. He'll be 21 in October. Just celebrated his first wedding anniversary. We didn't know HOW or WHY he was struggling. God just whispered in our ears he was... And we needed to pray for our all-grown-up little boy. Our oldest/bio-daughter keeps shallow intermittent contact with her adoptive siblings. We encourage and support that contact, but do not pry. We don't want her to feel like an informant. We tell her she is welcome to share what she needs to share and keep confidences private. 

It is truthfully easier for us NOT to hear their activities. 

Our oldest/bio-daughter has shared BIG things that concern her... but doesn't share much else....
Eg- RADdaughter traveling to Germany to "meet" a man she never met before but was in love with him through his mother at work. 
-RADson enlisted.
-RADson eloped
-and the day before I saved this post to draft.... Our oldest/bio-daughter shared our son was being shipped overseas. 

I'm grateful for the privilege to pray for our adoptees.  My prayer is every day they'd take more and more steps closer to healing.

I hate that they are hurting.  I hate that their pain from early traumas experienced long before we ever met them causes them to lash out at this family that has lovingly welcomed and raised them.   I hate that they have hurt the us so badly because thy are hurting. 

I am grateful for the "inside scoop" of prayer burdens for them from The One Who knows them best. 

Adoption in the Media

Has anyone seen the recent Gene Simmon's Family Jewels adoption episodes? 

The family struggled through a series of episodes with the decision of whether to adopt or not. 

I think most adoptive parents expect adoptees to EVENTUALLY become reciprocally loving members of a loving family unit.

As abused as we continue to be in our relationship with our adoptees, I would love to see media present adoption in a realistic light. 

YES these kids need families. 

YES these kids need homes. 

YES it is a HUGE commitment (not only to 18... but a life long commitment to the concept of "forever "family")

YES it is a BIG decision... and YES the whole family should be on-board.  (I'm grateful this tremendous decision was not broadcast as the theme of one half-hour broadcast within the series)

I'm grateful that Shannon is committed to make a difference in the lives of kids who need help. 

I would love for the world to become aware of the "issues common to adopted individuals."  Specifically Attachment issues... the effects of stress/trauma/drug-alcohol exposure to the young developing mind... Reactive Attachment Disorder.  

I would have loved for the Tweed-Simmons' counselor to have explained how an adoptive relationship is different... the "issues" the dangers... the fact that reciprocal love is not always available from children who have been exposed to early traumas.... regardless of how nurturing and maternally gifted a mother might be.