Stones of Remembrance

February is coming....   That thought had me smiling to my core!

It is February.

My heart overflows!

February is the anniversary month of finalizing our adoption...

and most significantly lately...

...the anniversary month of the first time I met real-live adoptive moms who REALLY understood and were living our parallel adoptive universe.

At the time, most of the other mommas' experiences may have been as many as 17 years behind our family's experiences...

But I was/AM 

SOOOOOO GRATEFUL for the tangible reality that I am not alone!!!!!

I think our family's adult-adoptee experience may have really frightened those just embarking on early adoptive life...

For me, finding out my family was not alone in this bizarre-o world of loving and caring for traumatized children adopted out of generations of addiction and abuse was simply more evidence a Hand that reached out to pull us up from our adoptees' flattening attacks.

That first wonderful long-weekend in Orlando and the ETAAM events that have followed are part of my heart's "stones of remembrance."  

My first year attending a sweet beautiful woman gifted each attendee with a stone engraved "I am NOT alone"

That stone, and those women remain precious to me!!!!

It will soon be seven years since our "healed hallelujah!" young adult adoptees attacked our family in a "RADtypical" manner that is fully in-line with the mental health diagnosis the middle adoptee was "officially given" after bouncing around 18 families before joining ours at age six.

Our "unofficially diagnosed" son proves exactly how much he doesn't have Attachment Disorder by remaining estranged almost 7 years from the family that raised him.  He's continuing to pretend in adulthood his bff's family is his "real" family... And they are delighting to "serve in" that role in their own brand of insanity wholeheartedly under the impression they're serving Jesus to do so.

Meanwhile this son has honored his own son with two of the names we'd given him. Not his birth name, not his grandmother's married name (that the children's last names were changed to as the state attempted to unify this quasi-related group of  3 children with very different last names who never really lived together beforehand in order to place as a "sibling group" in one adoptive family) not the names of his latest "real family" RADtypically triangulated rescuers...

Our grandson bears our family name inherited to him through adoption... and our grandson's first name is the middle name we gave our son at adoption.

Fascinating stuff. 

Bizarre-o adoption world.

The officially-diagnosed-adoptee peeks in from time to time.  Tells us she loves us.  And means it.  I believe she knows we mean it when we tell her how much we love her.

Her history before us and resulting  illness, makes relationships hard for her.

She RADtypically wears masks and has "RADtypically" manipulative stories that gain the sympathy of her RADtypically triangulated rescuers.  Stories that she struggles to keep straight depending on whom she's talking with.

The lies she's told (continues to tell)  RADtypically prevents her and her young daughter from comfortably enjoying time with our family.

We're grateful she does come around from time to time... and we're glad to see her when she's strong enough to step out of the drama triangle her disease has her living in. 

Relationships are hard for the attachment disordered adult adoptee.

Meanwhile, she's been reaching back to bio-family.  We've always encouraged our adoptees to have mercifully kind and loving thoughts toward their family of origin.

Addiction is hard.

Our adoptees' cousin has internet presence and is quite vocal about her perspective of generations of their biological beginnings.

It's tough.

So totally foreign to us.

We don't fully "get-it" but we keep trying.

 And we love them.

We're eager to see them... as much as their illness will safely allow.

Dancing into the Sunset

Ha ha!

This year one of my hubby's birthday gifts to me was the promise to enroll us as a couple in the community's Senior Citizen center.  His (older, but I'm catching up for sure) age allowed us to join as a couple.  I've got a pal whose been eager for me to "qualify" so we can do fun things together there like ping-pong... and I've been eager to join the arts classes they offer.

Together and happy together,  my husband and I are entering this silvery season of life... I laugh because we keep advancing in maturity...  we are dancing together into the Sunset.

I tell friends I'm looking for the brakes... I don't want to get off the ride, I'd just like to "slow my roll."  Ha ha!

As I read through this blog I'm often disappointed by how poorly my adoption related writing reflects the joys relating to our "reality" of day-to-day life most days.

I'd started, but never much felt "inspired" to blog in my non-adoption blog.  The way I see it is when I talk anything but adoption seemingly the whole world "gets it."  My need to share that joyous part of our lives is satiated. 

As you who know... know, we get to share the happy realities of everything with all our friends and family... I simply don't have much need to express further my daily life... and to feel heard... and understood.

And you who know... know, so many JUST DON'T GET the typical complications of  adopting Attachment Disordered individuals.  This blog is where I feel the need to relate with you who really "get it."  I appreciate you!  I cherish you!!!  You are a bigger gift to us than you can even imagine!!!!

In all other aspects of life...
My dear hubby and I are dancing into our sunsetting years and we are having fun!!!! 

 

LOVE this gif!!!  Not sure who to credit!!!!

I'd like to take a moment to encourage our fellow adoptive parents especially the ones who are where we were 20 years ago early in the adoptive way of life...

...PLEASE....

...be careful not to burn the sacrifice of your relationship with the one you're supposed to dance off into the sunset with as you pour yourselves out to extinction on the "altar of finding healing" for the child(ren) who through no fault of their own... and through no fault of ours have issues that they will most likely struggle with their whole lives.  

Oh how I continue to pray

  "healed hallelujah!!!"

would be the next plot twist 

for our adoptees' 

complicated lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd like take a moment during this typically busy holiday season to encourage all adoptive parents to take note from airline safety protocol... make sure you're obtaining and maintaining The Oxygen your marital relationship needs to survive!  Commit to making sure your relationship's needs are securely in-place every-step-of-the-way as you try to help those who are yet unable to care for themselves.  

Most of our kids are supposed to grow up and embark on their adult lives... 

...helping them as best as we are able is a fine and noble high calling... 

...just PLEASE

don't loose perspective 

of your happily-ever-after.   

We, the parents 

who have blessed,

and been blessed by

these children 

who were not conceived by us... 

raising them in our families... 

in our homes...

...are supposed to enjoy life in our nest together with the our spouse long after our children have flown to the extent they are capable.  

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May the peace of Christ fill your hearts and your homes!  

Giving Thanks and Babies

This Thanksgiving I got to spend much time with two little ones.  One, just turned one and is taking her first steps... 8 consecutive steps at our house thrilled her grandparents because it had been the most she'd taken to-date.

The other little one is our oldest daughter's friend's first child.  He's almost two months old. 

I thoroughly enjoyed time with the house hustling and bustling with guests of all ages... and I especially loved time with the little ones.

I've always been "good with kids."  That's part of the reason why I've enjoyed being mom so very much!!!



In the midst of enjoying these sweet babies whom we celebrated with great anticipation their arrival, as well as each and every milestone they continue to achieve,  there is a little one, because of her mother's estrangement we don't have permission to celebrate. 

I've contemplated various "celebrate her life anyway" ideas... donating gifts "in her honor" to various crisis pregnancy organizations... I just can't get worked up about doing that, yet. 

4th Anniversary of Their Conjoined Meltdown

Today, I'm giving myself permission to grieve if I need to.  Today is THE official date that first comes to mind every time I think about "scheduling" grief so it won't consume my life.  Other dates "of significance" are slated, but they don't stand out as THE day.  Today is THE day.
 
Today marks the 4th anniversary of our adoptees' conjoined meltdown. (Which makes 10 years in total that we never knew our adoptive daughter, 6.5 years we never knew our adoptive son.)

Today just happens to also be the day our oldest, who flew down to celebrate our birthdays, is flying home.

I'd marked the calendar to grieve if I wanted to...

Hopping out of bed to drop our sweet daughter at the airport so very early, it was so very easy to grab the simple "mourning" outfit I'd selected so long ago for this "special" date...

Daughter commented how pretty I looked in my easy breezy black floor-length dress.  Pretty wasn't what I was going for, she didn't have to know that.  On the drive in to the airport, daughter, hubby and I talked about today's "anniversary" and hubby and I encouraged her that it's okay to grieve if she needs to... no pressure.  She thought it was weird and preferred to forget the date not remember it.  We explained it was a counselor's suggestion to acknowledge grief, and schedule it so we can readily and really enjoy other dates without grief over taking us. 

Anyway we said a quick goodbye at the airport with awesome hugs and had to hurry home for hubby to start work on time.

Today I'd planned to light my candle if I need to, so far I'm not feeling the need.  I'm probably more tired than anything.  When our daughter is in town late nights and fun running around keeps us a tad sleep deprived.

The fact that August 1 happens to be "National Girlfriends Day" it REALLY helps me feel grateful and encouraged!!!!!  I heard about "National Girlfriends Day" for the very first time yesterday on TV.  I'm so very grateful to have so very many truly beautiful life long friendships!  I'm also so very grateful there is also this on-line blogging sisterhood of parenting RAD that has allowed me to meet, talk with, email, text etc... etc... etc.... so very many awesome women I've met through sharing my experiences in parenting RAD.  These newest "girlfriends" who have also devoted their hearts to welcoming traumatized children into their families, seem to be living our parallel universe.  I'm so very grateful for the friendships that have developed seemingly out of the rubble left behind when RAD attacks.

Today, is earmarked for grief... but I'm not yet feeling it... I've given myself permission to grieve all day if need be, but honestly, right now... I'm more grateful than grief filled.  Each moment that passes it  seems I accept a little more the fact we invited them to be part of our "forever family" but their concept of "family" and forever has been marred courtesy of their birth family and the system that poisoned their minds.  Their experiences long before we ever knew them told them again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again that forever, and family never lasts.

It's not their fault.  It's not ours either.

Peace.

The Birthday Call

So, on hubby's birthday, our loving attached and healthy-through-no-fault-of-her-own was on the phone wishing The Best Daddy in the World a Happy Birthday, before she flies in to see us... and his cell phone rings.

When mentally ill-through-no-fault-of-their-own adult children are estranged... phone calls, texts, emails, mailboxes are the places you hope they'll one-day-some-day-especially-on-special-days send a little love.

Hubby excuses himself from our devoted daughter's call and hands her over to me... and I overhear... on his cellphone half a conversation full of... awkwardness.... I'm finding it hard to attend to the delightfully-attentive child... well because... it's another day of significance... and there's a call... and it's awkward.

I promise our darling that I love her, will call her back, am eager to see her when she'll fly in later the same day... "bye sweetie!"

I had to know what was going on... who was on the phone????????  What had rustled my sweet love on his birthday????

Well... sweet little officer RAD sick-and-spiraling-downward-through-no-fault-of-her-own can't pay her student loans... (that we've cosigned....away from school... and she's postponed and compounded her student debt since....)the bank wants to know how they can get a hold of her.

Nothing says "I'm thinking of you on your birthday, I'm grateful for you, I'm glad you're my Dad" like having your RADchild's delinquent student loan collections rep calling to find if we've got "better" contact with her than they do.

I really have the best husband in the world.  He is a prince! He's loving, and generous and selfless, and devoted. And sooooooo very forgiving of the pain they continue to inflict.  Despite how the crap continues to fly, he prays diligently for all our kids, and our estranged-through-no-fault-of-her-own grandchild we've never met... yet... he prays for us all... morning, noon and night.
 

RAD on TV

Ha ha ha,

I saw this commercial for Daisy Sour Cream, and in it parents are visiting another family, and the mom asks, "What's our son doing in the Bennet family portrait?"

"What's our Son Doing in the Bennet Family portrait?"

Without missing a beat I said "He's got RAD!"

Hubby and I laughed hard.

Gee if only we had known it was the sour cream!

Hope you are all well!!!

Hubby Continues to Find Support in Awesome Places

Hubby signed up for a study of Pastor Tony Evan's book, Kingdom Man.

 First week was introduction where the men each shared a little bit about who they are.  Uncharacteristically, during introductions, hubby mentioned he currently struggles with troubles brought into our lives courtesy our adult adoptees, their behaviors as young adults exactly matching the symptoms list of the mental illness diagnosed years earlier when they were first placed with us.  That same night, after that first meeting, an "elderly gentleman" in his 70's quietly said he needed to talk... it turns out he is also an adoptive father, 20 years ahead of our experience, and now grandfather to many of his adopted daughter's multiple children, by many different men.

Hubby came home encouraged.   He is not alone in this journey.

Week after week Hubby was eager to "do his homework" for the class... loving the contents of the book, and the fellowship among men who were studying this book with him.

Several, quiet conversations afterwards with the more experienced adoptive father were definitely a bonus.

Fast forward to the last class... where this group of men who had been coming together to share their experiences, their hopes and struggles in walking out Kingdom values as men in our culture, time to say goodbye.

Hubby has a "ministry" not for profit, not for tax deduction, it's something he's good at,  enjoys doing that benefits others... and he offers his services to whomever could be blessed by computer repair.  His "day job" pays way more than his repair work ever could... but he loves to have his hands in electronics troubleshooting and repairing.  We decided long ago "charging" for services to earn a profit robbed the family of time, because his "overtime" computer repair work earned far less than minimum wage... and he was doing it more as a hobby.  It became obvious that the average person who needs computer repairs finds the repairs to be quite expensive... and would be blessed if hubby "donated" his services tinkering to repair their computers.  The joys associated with working to serve the Lord is worth so much more than any money hubby might earn from dedicating the bulk of his time off towards tinkering on his financially unprofitable passion. 

At the last class, when the men were saying goodbye to the other men they had bared their hearts to regarding life... my hubby described his "ministry" and passed out a business card with his full name and contact info on it.

One man came up to him... and apologized. 

Outside of this class, my husband didn't know this man... at all.

Outside this class, this man knew OF my husband, but didn't know until he saw the name... my husband was a man he'd heard MUCH about. 

You see... this man was a neighbor to our adult-daughter's "rescue mommy" ... this man worked at a "christian" business with our adult RAD. 

This man couldn't figure out why our daughter, an adult, lived with a senior citizen couple that was not her own parents.

When he asked what was up with the very strange living arrangements... our daughter gave him ears full... of RAD garbage.

He spent endless hours trying to "counsel" our daughter how to handle her "plight"... to the point his wife was wondering if our daughter was "the other woman."

Before this class... this man had no idea who my husband was... but through this class... as the men shared the burdens of their heart to serve God honorably in all they do... this man got to really know my husband.

This man saw the card, saw my husbands full name, and immediately identified "the stories" as stories about my husband.  This man apologized, profusely for his involvement in our family.  He apologized for being so easily duped.

He apologized.  From out of nowhere.  We weren't even aware he'd "meddled" at all... we didn't even know he existed.  We're grateful truth was revealed to his heart.  We're grateful he stepped forward to make things right.

We continue to pray for all who have been duped into believing the lies, manipulations, and triangulations of Reactive Attachment Disorder.  We pray they'd be convicted of their wrongs, and heartfully sorry, not condemned forever for their unwitting evils... see... he... like most involved... really believed he was helping... until truth was revealed.

Lord have mercy!

Don't Let Grief Steal Your Days

Today is a day of significance for our family... courtesy of adoption... and so today, for a little while... I'm allowing myself to grieve what Reactive Attachment Disorder continues to steal, from our adopted kids, and our family.

It is fast approaching 4 years after our adoptees' RADtypical meltdown and attack against us.  This year our "Adoption Day" anniversary had passed more than a month before I realized it had come, and gone.   I kind of consider that progress.  I kind of am surprised.  I had always treasured that date... the date of the beginning of our dreams come true.  That date, after RAD attacked, became a source of pain... and this year, it passed without anticipation, or remembrance.  It just passed...  We were busy, and having fun... and honestly didn't notice.  It wasn't an active effort to try and forget the date... I actually intended to honor that date.  It simply passed, unnoticed.

Quite a while ago, Hubby and I had a counselor suggest we schedule dates and times to grieve, so our adoption grief could be honored and expressed without robbing us of the pleasures available to us in every day life.

I was very surprised when my first "appointed day" for grieving arrived and I didn't "feel like" mourning... I was having too much fun.  Our counselor explained that was the point... "If the day arrives, and you don't feel like grieving, you don't have to..."  It seemed like her point was to not let grief steal our days.


Back when "scheduled grief" was prescribed... I giggled (a lot) as I envisioned how I might grieve who our living children had become.  I imagined myself dressed in black with a shawl and a hankie... mourning.

The days where overwhelming sadness would flatten me, I'd tell myself, this isn't the day nor time to mourn, but I will, at the appropriate time... then I'd begin imagining what that would look like... and start giggling again.

During my planning grief gigglefests decided I'd someday "light a candle" when the time to grieve arose.  I was raised in a denomination where one could put coins in a box and pay to "light a candle" for prayer intentions.  I remember my mom tearfully lighting candles for her prayer intentions, as we'd visit older churches that still had the red-glass votives.  As I got older, the candles became electric push button and the price to ignite was listed in dollars... I'd always found the concept that a paid candle would pray for me to be a bit weird, but when I envisioned what grief should look like... those candles were part of  the picture... even though they make me giggle.  

That same year for Christmas I got an OLD brass and red glass votive from a friend who had a knack for finding treasures and glitzing them up to make holiday gifts for friends who are dear to her.  Perfect!!!  Not perfect for my decorating style... not even my holiday decorating... but perfect as my grief candle.  I removed the holiday embellishments and set it up for our kids. 

I've placed the candle on my front entry table as a reminder when grief comes, there is a time to grieve, and when the time comes I'll do so... if I feel like it.  And I smile.

Today is the anniversary of a day of significance regarding our adoption... a formerly celebratory day, but a day I'd set to grieve if need be.  Today grief fits, not for the full day... It's a day my hubby and I have decided to celebrate with or without our beloved adoptees.

... And we WILL celebrate today...

                       but for this morning... 

for this mourning... 

I've lit a candle.

Adoption... Life Goes On

For what feels like several months, I believe I've finally reached the stage (post-conjoined meltdown RAD attack against us) where life is going on... pleasantly... and I don't feel the need to blurt adoption stuff to everyone who will listen.

HALLELUIAH!!!!

The nature of my line of work is I can work for months and months without running into a familiar face.

Recently I was working with a new-to-me person... and work was slow.... so before our first official break, we had LOTS of very pleasant "chit chat" opportunities discussing a myriad of various topics... none of them anywhere near adoption.

On our first "official" break... a familiar face approached (an adoptive mom who seemed in the past to blow off our parenting RAD adoptees experiences as irrelevant, uncommon, certainly nowhere near HER perfectly wonderful adoption x3 experiences.)  She had-in-hand an article that addressed the only difficulty she had ever before acknowledged  that she had encountered in adoption... expense.

With fresh beverages, the three of us sat in our break area... chatting.  This adoptive mom was very excited to have this published article explaining the financial difficulties that adoptive families overcome.  She was eager for me to read it right then, right there, on my break.  I didn't want to read it during my break but I promised I'd look it up online.  I told her she might be interested to know our estranged daughter has made contact... wants us to be involved our grandchild's life.

I was surprised when this formerly unsupportive woman replied "Be careful, it's a good start, but it will be a long journey before it's all better."  (Wow... I wondered what has transpired in her life to have inspired a more empathetic response to our adoption experience!)

This other Adoptive mom asked if our estranged pregnant daughter had gotten married?

I explained no, this was her first child, his fourth child.... then followed with "...it appears her inability to be in a reciprocally loving relationship has led her to a man with a history of not staying committed."

Insert several repeated "fake coughs" from our silent-in-this-conversation-until-now new-co-worker... followed by an awkwardly proclaimed "I'm adopted."

She went on to explain how she never-ever felt like she belonged to, nor was loved by her adoptive family.

I looked her in the eyes, and let her know she is not alone in her experience... and I could not speak to her family situation, because I knew nothing of it, but I wanted to let her know my husband's and my thoughts and prayers for ALL our children... and the SINCERE AND DEEPLY FELT LOVE we have for ALL our children... and how it breaks our hearts that our adopted kids have so much pain  ...that their pain is not their fault... but it's not ours either...

I also talked about books that I've read that address how significant genetic mirroring is... and that adoptees' "not belonging" feeling could be largely based on the "taboo-in-our-society" reality that genetically an adoptee doesn't typically "mirror" anyone in their adoptive family.

In adoptive circles it seems so "taboo" to discuss openly OBVIOUS differences.  It seems to be far more Politically Correct to pretend that there are no differences whatsoever between adoptee and adoptive parents. 

As my new friend discussed how she always had this feeling she didn't belong... I discussed our culture... and how timid we are to discuss openly the obvious under Political Correctness and "Manners."  

I suggested that perhaps the "I don't belong" feeling was not a failure of her adoptive parents to love her... but maybe instead a realization to the core that none of her genetic features that reflected herself back in the mirror were reflected in any of her adoptive family members.  The fact that it's seldom, if ever discussed... made to be "no big deal... we have love" might have been exactly what has been screaming at her that she "doesn't belong... never belonged."

My new friend and I talked quite a bit about the adoption thing... She shared with me what it was like with her first bio child... how that re-awakened the abandonment issues... and the "how could they leave me?" question.

On the flip side of our adoptees "conjoined meltdown" with all the knowledge I've acquired while trying to understand what has been driving their hate toward us... I keep wishing to go back in time and prepare my kids for that which "is common to those adopted out of foster care, or orphanages."

Knowing I can't go back... it is my hope to reach forward... to impact positively families traveling parallel paths of adoption out of Early Trauma. 

Meanwhile... in my "seldom see the same face twice" line of work... it appears 80%-90% of the people I'm encountering long enough to have conversations with lately are part of adoptive families...

...and for the last several months... I've not been the one bringing up adoption.

It appears my footsteps are ordained.  

"Fertilizer" Happens!

Years ago when the "sh!! happens" bumper stickers started popping up all over the place, I became convinced that NOTHING is wasted in God's economy... even sh!! is used for fertilization... and eventually makes good ground for growing. 

I wanted to market "Fertilizer Happens" bumper stickers. Still do!

Hubby and I were anxiously anticipating how "the holidays" would go... our first year "alone" and...

...we're having fun... which is awesome!!!

We do have micromoments of sadness for the choices our RADs continue to make... but we don't get to make their choices, they do... we are responsible for keeping our hearts tender and forgiving through it all... which at some moments is easier said than done... but well worth the efforts.

Here we are our 4th "Holiday Season" since RADs melted down.  4th holiday season of estrangement from them by their choice.  We can see so very much more clearly how God is using the "fertilizer" to grow us in His love and to bless us with friendships so much deeper than the "fair weather friend" variety.

This morning (New Year's Eve) as I'm counting my so many blessings, I'm blown away how God has used horrific circumstances to abundantly bless us!!!

I was remembering the story of Corrie Ten Boom being in Nazi concentration camps thanking God for infested unlivable conditions, and later seeing exactly how the unlivable conditions she had thanked God for was being used to bless them.    <=  Read it if you have time... get tissues.

All my "horrible moments" combined don't compare to what Corrie and her sister encountered in that passage alone.  Their God inspired hope in the midst of hopeless circumstances have certainly inspired me and countless others.

One nickname I have (from high school referring to a traumatic head injury) helps me to remember that it continues to be my prayer to praise God in ALL circumstances... because He is worthy.   When that nicknaming injury happened I literally fell down (from the weight of the blow) praising God.  I was a relatively "new" believer back then... and I continue to earnestly pray "Lord, WHATEVER happens, help me to be confident in Your promises that You love me, You intend to bless me, no weapon formed against me shall prosper, even what an enemy intends for my harm You will use to bless me... Lord, help me in the midst of traumas that knock me off my feet to fall down praising you!"

What a gift it is to be confident in God's love for me!!!!

If you are not YET confident that God loves you... my prayer is that as you read this, your heart would get a glimmer of the TREMENDOUS love the God of all has for you personally!!!! 

They Know... Struggle to Understand the Motive; Yet They Themselves Also Inflict the Pain of Abandonment

I was talking with one of my awesome Adoptive Mom friends... She also knows the "I love you" but won't see you phenomenon of the adult estranged adoptees.

She's pursing her estranged ones a little more actively than I have peace about doing with our estranged RADs.  (I don't for a second mean to imply either of us are wrong... I believe God's peace leads us along the best paths for our lives.)

I was trying to comfort her letting her know that these kids who have genuinely experienced abandonment have pains so deep that we, children who have had the loving presence of both parents for life, can merely imagine the depths of.

I don't remember her exact words, but... it was something along the lines of...

They know the pains of abandonment... they struggle to understand HOW anyone (specifically their bio-parents) could abandon someone (the child "given up") they are supposed to love... and yet that is exactly what our estranged kids are doing and they don't even see it!   They are abandoning the parents they are supposed to love, and YES, WE DO KNOW THE PAIN OF ABANDONMENT THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!   Just like THEY should never have been abandoned by their first parents... THEY should have never abandoned us the real parents that raised and love them.

Hmmmm... yes... we know the pain... I still believe their pain is deeper.   Young adults are supposed to embark on their adult life apart from their parents.   It would be beautiful if they were capable of maintaining loving ties to the parents who love them.  We each do have that healthy thriving relationship with our other child(ren).

Recently in the course of living I've had the opportunity to speak to a string of "estranged adult children" mostly "bio kids" each estranged for very different reasons.  So very sad.

Each estranged-from-parents adult either perpetual "loners" or with a long string of short relationships.

With several of these "coincidental" (?? doubt it!!!) recent encounters, I had the opportunity to express to each my husband's and my own yearning for reciprocally loving adult parent-child relationships with our estranged adult adoptees.  I've explained that we are eager to see them happily live the life they desire as adults, we just truly wish that their desired adult life could include a connection to us on some level.

Each estranged adult child (from early 30's to Senior Citizen) said they knew their parent's loved them, and confirmed that they loved their parents despite their own (in all but one situation) chosen estrangement.  

There's been quite a bit in the news lately about "strong relationships" and "close personal ties" and "close family relationships" being critical in determining a person's ability to "overcome" the various obstacles of life.

Here's an article from PLOS Medicine on Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review .

Meanwhile... we continue to pray the very best for the children we love. 

Catching Up With an Old Friend

My hubby loves to fiddle with computers.  He considered making a business of it, but could never bring himself to charge much more than the part itself.  I encouraged him to do the work as a ministry to others... charging only for what he might need to lay out for a part he doesn't have.  He LOVES helping others... and he loves fiddling with computers... perfect match.

A friend I keep up with, sent a mutual friend I've not seen nor heard from in YEARS our way to see if DH could help solve computer woes.

The call came through me... and me and my friend from long ago got to "catch up."

This old friend knew me from "pre-adoption" days.   She knew me quite well through the "hoping to adopt soon" days.  We lost contact in the "gee adopting these kids requires so much more of my attention than I imagined, but I'm glad to give them what they need" stage.

In some ways it seems like only yesterday we were spending quality time together, in other ways it seems like ten lifetimes ago.  It was good to "catch up."

I noticed something as I was updating my friend on what's going on since we last spoke... my perspective of this ordeal is less focused on my pain.

 I kept emphasizing despite how very painful the RADtypical behaviors are for my husband daughter and me; we, the family scorned, we are certain our estranged adoptees must be hurting to extremes we simply can not imagine.


  

Holidays and Estranged RADs

Our oldest is visiting and we are LOVING our time with our still sweet and cuddly, capable of reciprocating love child.

We all are having fun with the new puppy... what a nice treat to have the pitter patter of his little feet around the house!!!

Cousins will come up to visit while our daughter is here... and everything has been quite joyous.

We do have our moments. 

Today for example shopping in a store that was completely decked out for the holidays... Christmas music was playing... and my hubby grumbled... "I HATE Christmas!"

I told him I loved him, and I loved the fact that I get to spend Christmas with him...

My sweet tenderhearted hubby who loves our children so very much burst out crying "Our family is broken!  I hate it!  This is not what Christmas is supposed to be!" 

I've been trying to balance the pain associated with RADtypical attacks against us, with the knowledge that truly this is NOT personal, it's mental illness... I wondered tonight if our RADs are capable of empathy... are the capable of realizing their behaviors cause pain, and be sorry for it. 

I remembered when our kids were first placed with us... our new daughter was very concerned for the people she'd seen sleeping under the bridge.  That seems pretty darned empathetic. 

I also remember it taking seemingly forever for them to be sorry for more than getting caught... BUT when they finally would "get it" they'd get it... and demonstrate what appeared to be appropriate regret and sorrow for hurting others. 

So I'm encouraged through my memories of who they were... and we're still praying for them... alot!!!

As much as 3.5 years later our pre-adoption core family is coping SO MUCH BETTER than we have been since the RAD's conjoined meltdown and attack against us... it still sucks knowing we have poured every good thing we have into children who are "done" with us... not just "done and gone" but done, gone, and still "working" the "poor pathetic abused orphan" game for whomever knows us,  is willing to listen, and reward them with money, gifts, time and attention in exchange for the entertainment their concocted tales of woe provide.    

Anyway... I'm trying to focus more on the awesome things God gives us... and there is certainly to be very grateful for!  We keep praying for all... and we're so very grateful to know we are not the only adoptive parents going through this.

Happy Thanksgiving! 

Looking Forward

What a delight it is to have things to look forward to!!!!!

Hubby and I just returned from a month and a half of traveling, and the anticipation of the getaway was almost as delightful as the actual get away itself!

For our 29th anniversary we decided to cruise Canada's St Lawrence Seaway in search of fall colors.  We left our home in the land of balmy palm trees and sandy beaches and headed towards what we don't normally get to enjoy in the comforts of our own home.

The cruise was DELIGHTFUL!!!!    Our ship left Manhattan and we sailed north.... I got the biggest kick out of sitting on our boat deck and watching our ship's pool and curly yellow slide pass under the Varazanno bridge.  I was thrilled to watch as Lady Liberty wished us a bon-voyage. 

As we returned to the ship at the first port we visited, I noticed the ship's crew at the welcome center all using their electronic devices.... "Hmmm... free wi-fi?" I wondered. 

I put my phone into wi-fi mode and was pleased to see messages trickle in.  It was there that I got the next RAD punch in the gut.  Oh this really seems to be a life-long journey.  A concerned individual sent me the ultrasound our 3years estranged RAD had posted.  We're going to be grandparents.

I am the kind of person that is always happy to hear about babies.   Abounding joy was not my first reaction. 

I've heard "Baby-Daddy" has three other kids by other women.  This is his fourth... her first. 

I know people from my generation who have been "tied" to their child's "other parent" in much less than joyous scenarios. 

I know the heartache of raising children whose "first parents" were not there for them. 

I have no idea what this generation's multiple "baby-mommas/baby-daddies" is like.

Well... that's not true... my sister-in-law at 15 met a 40 year old man at the teenage hang out who had a very successful line "In my country you are considered a woman, not a child!"  It worked on about six different 13-16 year old girls who also carried his children.  (God knows how many never conceived!!!!)

I know my nephew is a very broken individual.  He grew up in a town full of his half-siblings.  We saw him go through the "where is my daddy, why does he hate me?" He's spent the first decade and a half of his adult life floating between jail and rehab.  His mother has always used men for all they could give her then thrown them to the curb.  My heart breaks for my nephews over the more than subliminal message that my sister-in-law keeps showing her sons of what men are good for.

Broken people... having broken people... having broken people... Hubby's sisters are all half-sisters... their bio dad died of cirrhosis of the liver mid 40's.  They each have their major issues. 

ugh... I was so much happier focusing on the positive... thinking about our beautiful trip, and all the loving family and friends we got to see!!!!  

We spent the full month after the cruise visiting family... so very wonderful!!!

Many of those we visited will be visiting our home very soon.... I not only have to unpack... I have to get ready for their arrival. 

I'm smiling again with anticipation!!!!   I think I'm going to make some countdown calendars for our various visitors arrival... 

God please help me to focus on the positive!!!!

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Thank God for Bedbugs

Bedbugs.

Thank God!

They were the final inspiration that brought a friend's RAD son home from the very dangerous situation he had been living in. 

I had seen his mother's comment that Thank God her son who had been estranged for over a year had returned. 

I privately messaged her letting her know I was happy for her... but angry and doing my best to deal with my anger before the sun went down. 

Years ago our families attended the same little church. 

When her adopted son was very small, she and her family moved thousands of miles away.  Facebook helped us keep in touch. 

Many of the "good christians" who were our former pewmates who continue to be SO VERY HORRIBLE to our family during  and since our RAD's meltdown... were all "liking" and "commenting" about how wonderful it was my friend's son had returned home. 

It turned my stomach... and I was angry!

My gracious friend called me from THOUSANDS of miles away... and talked with me, and encouraged me. 

Together we prayed.  Together we were grateful for "whatever it takes" that would turn our kids hearts home toward the parents who love them. 

Together we thanked God for bedbugs, because bedbugs are what brought her son back home.

Naturally there is still a long way to go... but meanwhile together... we remain grateful... for bedbugs.

Hope and Love

I've been consoling myself with the fact that our love for our adopted children has not been wasted... that because Love is eternal...  We have invested well, we continue to invest well... even if our adoptees don't have the ability to love us on this side of eternity.  Our continued investment of Love is one of the eternal treasures we will not loose as we pass to the other side of eternity. 

We began to really understand RAD better after our adult adoptees' "conjoined meltdown" as we read the books published years after the diagnosis that our now-adult adopted daughter was given just as she was placed with us for adoption. 

 Regarding RAD, I was educated after my kids were raised to adulthood, that Love is not enough... by Nancy Thomas... 

When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD  was the first book published for parents raising Attachment Disordered.  It was published three years after our RAD daughter was "officially diagnosed."  It's one of the first books I came across in trying to understand what was going on in the minds of our beloved adopted adult children. 

Love may not be enough... but it's necessary, it's eternal, and we have invested well. 

I've read that "Attachment Disorder" often grows up to be "Borderline Personality Disorder."   From what we've experienced that could very well be the case for our adult adopted children. 

One of the first parenting BPD books I read was titled When Hope is Not Enough by Bon Dobbs. 

I'd been feeling kind of hopeless about hope.  Three years into the insanity of adult adoptee RAD/BPD manipulations/triangulations... hope doesn't "seem to be" working much. 

Most nights as we tuck in, Dear hubby reads us a short devotional from In-Touch Ministries.  The verse about a week ago was from "The Love Chapter" of the Bible. 

1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

How had I possibly forgotten the fact that Hope is eternal????!!!! 

I was instantly encouraged.  Hope is eternal!  Our continued investment hope for our adult adopted children IS NOT WASTED.  Even if we never see on this side of eternity fruit of our invested Hope and Love. 

Faith, Hope, and Love remain... They're eternal.

We have faith in God's promises.... and we continue to invest well. 

Baby Mommas

I've heard our estranged daughter's BF of several months is a big guy...

This is one of the first ones she's not fallen in love with his mother, then proclaimed before dating he is the one she will marry.  So that's a change of pace. 

She's going up to where MY family and My in-laws live to meet his family. She wants him to meet our family as well. Officer RAD has invited the gullible ones to meet her man. 

(Can our family be "her" family if she's ONLY related to them through us, and she's disowned us?)

Turns out there's a couple Baby Mommas in this guy's life. 

"But supposedly he's a good dad... he tries to stay in contact with his three kids."

REALLY... I'm happier not knowing. 

Trying to Love My Enemies

Yeah.

Today I saw the family that's been running away from us in public places... we've been praying for them... really. 

Their crap hurts.

As often as their crap hurts us, we pray for them. 

It's obvious they don't have love to offer... and that alone is enough reason for me to pray for them.

Today I called the matriarch by name, she covered her face with her bible, pretending to be reading as she was walking,  I called her name again, she looked up... I told her we've been praying for you and the family.  We have, as a matter of fact I was praying for their family by name on the way to church because we often see their adult son there.  We've never seen the whole family there.

Today I saw a man who used to lead the homeschool sports stuff we brought our kids to.  I was told our "officer RAD" estranged three years responded to a call... "Hey, I saw your daughter not too long ago..." 

Normally I tell people if you see officer RAD... tell her her mommy and daddy love her very much. 



Today... mommy is tired of the bullshit. 

Today mommy would like to imagine life without the ongoing trauma traumatized kids have brought to our lives.   3 years and counting.  God help me.  Please.

So today I was daydreaming about requiring our adult adoptees to give back our name.

Yay...trying to love my enemies...

Matthew 5:43-48 Love for Enemies

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Happy Traumaversary? They've Moved Out of My Home, Would Someone Kindly Evict Them From My Brain?!!!!

Right smack dab between birthday celebrations and our wedding anniversary is our Traumaversary.

It was yesterday. 




Yesterday officially marked 3 years since our adoptees had their "conjoined meltdown" and the older of the two adoptees filed false allegations of abuse against her dad... then filed for (and was denied) a restraining order against both of us because as her sworn application states she "feared for her life."  Trauma, Drama, Devastation.  All so typically RAD. 

Well... Mother's Day I got a text... Father's Day hubby got a text and an email.  We rejoiced because we thought perhaps our persevering hope was winning out. 

Our oldest (bio) has made a point to be home for our birthdays.  We've told her she doesn't need to... but in reality her visit, her real-life-hugs and abundant love is the sweetest gift. 

We were dropping her at the airport last night... it seems a bomb threat along her plane's earlier path set her departure out a few hours past what was originally slated.  The airline explained she should arrive on time "in case" they were able to send plane off as originally scheduled.   This gave us the gift of a few more hours to  enjoy a leisurely meal at the airport before she departed.  I so totally didn't even realize yesterday was THE TRAUMAVERSARY. 

Today I got an invite to join a RAD support group from another adoptive mom parenting RAD who seems to be living our parallel universe RADwise.  I thanked her kindly and started to explain it's been ALMOST three years since we're empty nesters... and I need my focus to be less on what was... more on our future... then I realized... it's not almost three years... it's three years yesterday. 

Most days I'm doing fine.  I have "moments" where I feel deeply the pain they and their rescuers delight to inflict.  Their rescuers feel justified in their insanity because they have fallen into the trap of believing our RADs' RADtypical charm and deception. 

Smack dab in the middle of our oldest child's visit... I WOKE UP ANGRY.  Most days, when I contemplate RADs' gift to us... I'm hurt... I'm sad... but I was surprised how angry I was.  And that's how it hits me.  Right in the middle of abundant JOY here come those feelings.  It's the joyful happy memories that trigger me the most.  I feel so betrayed. 

I have been so betrayed. 

I continue to be betrayed. 

I told my husband I want so desperately to give up on them.  To close that door and never look back.  I don't want to be hurt by them or their "rescuers" anymore.    I've hidden most of their pictures from my sight around the house.  The photos are not destroyed... I think one day I might regret losing those photos.  I just don't want to see them now. 

I want to evict them from my brain. 

Meanwhile most of the "Somebody That I Used to Know" song reminds me of them... because I haven't recognized them in years.  In three years... and counting. 

Take Heart Adoptive Parents!

Take heart betrayed parents who have poured your lives and your love into the lives of these needy children. Your child's behaviors against you is not personal (even though it feels VERY personal!!!) it is mental illness. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that. Early Trauma affects how the brain develops!

Young adult adoptees "Leaving with a bang" usually by RADtypically triangulating their adoptive parents against whomever is gullible enough to believe their symptomatic Attachment Disordered "deceptive charm" is such a common thing for young adult adoptees to do during the season where it is biologically-age-appropriate for them and their peers to begin embarking into their "adult" lives! I've met so many adoptive families where their (18ish year old) adoptees have not moved out into their own place, have not moved in with peers... instead move in with their "friends" mommies and daddies and start calling them their "new parents" as they pretend for their easily manipulated "rescuers" to have lived lives of abuse in their loving attentive adoptive families. It's almost like these families are experiencing our parallel universe!

I want to encourage you to keep seeking the support of other adoptive parents (In real life... and on the internet!!!!) It is difficult to openly share all the trauma/drama parenting our attachment disordered children has brought into our lives. Some of the "private" or "closed" groups have more detailed support for every level of parenting kids of all ages with RAD diagnosis.

I don't at all mind private messages from parents who are experiencing a similar hell on earth! There really is genuine comfort in knowing we are not alone in loving our children who behave the way they do because they had been through brain altering traumas often starting with inutero exposure to illegal drugs and alcohol, as well as a flood of biomom's stress hormones throughout their prenatal development... combine that with whatever the traumas were that eventually separated them from their birth family... orphancare whether bouncing through the foster system, or rotating staff at actual orphanages... all this long before they ever entered our homes and joined our families.

I've noticed most people understand when there is an explosive teen/young-adult triangulating against a "step" parent... Yet I'm amazed how few people think the "issues" would not NATURALLY be exponentially multiplied when "neither parent" is the biological one.

I have also been amazed to see how much strife comes from members of "pro-life" affiliations who have not themselves adopted. I'm talking churches. I've learned that not everyone who stands under a banner... attends services... serves, "ministers" etc etc etc... not everyone in those positions has enough light of the Lord within them to shine light and love and wholeness and healing toward adoptive families. Instead it appears it is their delight to sow strife... foster rebellion... and create a hostile environment between us and our children. They are the ones whose "prayer circles" are gossip central. They chew up our kids stability as they satisfy their unholy appetites entertained by the drama surrounding our children's mental illness. These people, believe they are "serving God" as they walk out their desire to play savior instead of praying to the Savior.  They get a sick thrill out of attacking our families and patting themselves on the back for the "good work" they're doing. These who believe they are standing under the Cross have been the unkindest of all. If only they would put their efforts to making a positive difference in the lives of orphaned children instead of meddling in our families.  Have they adopted children born addicted... yeah no... didn't think so. 

My hubby and I are grateful there is MUCH encouragement for us in the Bible... and we are grateful for the remnant of those who REALLY know the Lord... and are CAPABLE and successful in shining His light and love. We are grateful for those who hear of our "situation" and speak of it to God asking for healing for our adoptees for healing of the hurts that started long before we ever met them... and for healing of our family of all the pain parenting children adopted out of trauma continues to bring to our lives.