Young Love... And Parental Manipulation

At 21 years of age...
Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee was "rescued" from us into the home of a manipulative woman who about a year prior admittedly planned from her inner-circle which young women  WOULD marry EACH  of her sons.

While RAD was starting on the brink of exploding... Before we had any inkling of what RAD would do next... That woman openly shared with me her secret plans for our youngest daughter to marry her youngest son. I firmly and kindly responded I thought it would be wonderful to allow our kids to make their own decisions about marriage.

Not yet understanding RAD, but knowing our adoptee well,  I never shared this woman's confessions along-those-lines with our daughter because although I didn't yet have the terminology to articulate behaviors we'd seen in our "officially diagnosed" adoptee,  we understood the concept that the cause and effect reasoning part of her brain had consistently shown evidence of not fully operating.

RAD doesn't make kids stupid...

 Our daughter is quite smart actually.  

She entered college at age 14. 

Was one B short of 4.0.  

She's smart and cute.

She used to easily memorize and regurgitate facts.

"BLUE is the answer! 

The answer is BLUE!     

What is the answer?????"

"..... Ummmm..... blue?"

"YES! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   

In accordance with her illness...

  Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee always had trouble processing the MEANING of information.

It's not at all that she'd NEVER "get it"...

just most times she'll have data...

and assume illogical meanings when asked to process information.   

Not her fault.  

Just one of the nuances of a young brain exposed to early trauma.

I didn't want to risk for a minute that our daughter would misinterpret the woman who would eventually become her "savior mommy"'s aspirations as plans she should pursue.    

Our daughter never for one minute expressed romantic interest in "savior mommy's" baby boy.

I recently had the opportunity to ask a few questions to another mom on the brink of "saving" a sweet young girl (in the system, not her fault) from the latest parents...

...A young girl this woman hopes will "someday" marry her son.

Some of the questions I asked this potential "savior mommy" to consider...   

1) Do you think it may be possible that this sweet beautiful young girl you want to save, and hope will marry your son may be behaving quite differently with you in your home than she does in the home that is establishing boundaries for safety and has the responsibility of keeping her safe?

2) What if you've contracted to become guardian and things don't work out romantically between her and the child you hope she'll marry?

3) Is it possible, once your role in her life changes,  this teen may eventually give you the same challenges she's presenting to her current caregivers?

4) Is there a way you can be supportive of this girl, AND her current caregivers, while encouraging this girl to be taking her own steps as a young teen toward responsible adulthood (for example resume attending HS, get a job... Etc.) while encouraging her to be so much less a teenage "victim" who needs to marry your child so she can be rescued her from this unfair life of living with adult caregivers whose reasonable rules at times don't facilitate these young lovers from living the  romantic wonderland they feel entitled to... to the fullest?

5)  Don't you want your child to be married to someone because they really love each other, not because one was in a bad situation and needed to be rescued?

6) Are you aware kids who bounce around the system make false allegations?

7) It's entirely possible the young lovers are sexually active... What repercussion might there be if you take her in as a her legal guardian and don't prevent your legally-adult child from engaging with this minor sexually in your home?    
 
8) Does your career allow you to earn money while officials investigate any strife she might cause against you as her new and improved caregiver who might try to establish rules and limits within your family's home that she as a young teen might naturally object to?

9) Wouldn't it be best to love, appreciate and hope for your "future daughter-in-law" while continuing to encourage the young-in-love couple  to work diligently towards achieving milestones of independent adult responsibilities to help establish their "true-love" on the strongest possible foundation for their "happily ever after?"

Ack.

I do want to confirm.... I told this parent, many times throughout our conversations I AM honestly a believer in young love.  Just one week after turning 20, I married the boy I had taken to prom a few years prior.

We're still head-over-heels in love...

Just with my recent experiences... involving "system kids"... 

(Oh how I hate to assert there is a "system-kid" mentality!!!!!!!!!!!!  

...If only our experiences would have kept us blissfully ignorant!)

....So many aspects of all this woman  shared of her child's romance and her own desire to save his  beloved has me so-very concerned...

Turns out their family opted to not take on guardianship... For now. 

In Our Thoughts Prayers and Dreams

This parenting gig doesn't end.  Even when kids you love choose estrangement.
Father's Day I honored Hubbie, my baby-daddy -such a wonderful daddy that he accepted others' children to raise as his own... with the same undying love he has for our biological child.  (Not that adopted/bio EVER made any difference... Until Reactive Attachment Disorder RADtypically attacked at the time when age-typical-embarkation to adult life  reawakened our adoptees' abandonment issues.)

Nightly my love mentions our children, their children and even their RADtypically triangulated against us "rescuers"... Whomever is currently pretending to be "the awesome parents our adoptees never had" ...unknowingly perpetuating our kids' estrangement as they "rescue" our kids from dangers that never existed (in OUR home).

Aside from us praying nightly for our kids by name... Adoption issues have been a small part of my daily life although thoughts of the kids, prayers for them, flow regularly throughout.

This has been a bigger than normal "adoption issues" week for me.  Bumping into adoptive friends I've not seen in almost a year... Calls from friends who call me 'cause ppl who haven't adopted would NEVER understand.

I dreamt of the murdered child's father a few days ago.  Googled and found an online presence.  Found a "throwback" photo of our adoptees' biomom.  I thought... Wow... Same face... She'll probably look just like that when she's middle aged!   Then I noticed caption.  Wow.  Our adoptee is already older than biomom when that photo was taken.  Addiction is such a hard life.

My work sends me all over.  From time to time I work almost walking distance to the address that consistently shows court history for biomom.  I don't think that address is the brothel/crack-den where various sources have said our son was born... But I suppose it's nearby.  I honestly don't know. There's this little (big?  I have no idea) microcosm of life so foreign to everything I know.  A place where their reality is so very different than my own.

I wonder sometimes what keeps adopted daughter away.  She's said she's made contact with bio family... I wonder if that's part of it.   She's shared her shock at biomom's manipulations which sound like the same manipulations the murdered child would tell me about.  There is a reason the children couldn't stay safely in that microcosm.  It was never their fault.  We always encouraged our adoptees to have loving thoughts about their birthparents.  Tried to explain how consuming and distorting addiction can be.  We always encouraged if our adoptees choose to explore their biological roots that they be careful... Cause it was during a visit with the family of origin that the oldest was murdered at 18.

Anyway... I wonder from time to time if connecting with birthmom plays some part in our daughter's estrangement.  I don't think it should.  I've struggled for almost 7 years of estrangement to understand our adoptees thought processes.

As I drove near that neighborhood for work recently, I wondered if our grandchildren have been to their biogranny's  house.  

I dreamt of our adoptees this week.  In the dream (like in real life) our adopted daughter was running around the church people we raised them near, causing strife against us.  I dreamt church families were struggling marriages, children, health issues.

  In the dream I told our daughter... It's okay... We love you... We've only ever had you and your siblings as our children.  Our love is irrevocable.  You've had about 19 families before us.  Everything you're doing is SO NORMAL for kids who've had beginnings similar to yours!   We love you, and allow you to love the ones before us.  You might find comfort in the knowledge you are not alone in your experiences.  We love you.

In my dream she began sobbing.  The church ppl surrounding her became suddenly distracted by their  own family, health, relationship issues.   I woke up praying health, healing, happiness and Love... for them all.

Giving Thanks and Babies

This Thanksgiving I got to spend much time with two little ones.  One, just turned one and is taking her first steps... 8 consecutive steps at our house thrilled her grandparents because it had been the most she'd taken to-date.

The other little one is our oldest daughter's friend's first child.  He's almost two months old. 

I thoroughly enjoyed time with the house hustling and bustling with guests of all ages... and I especially loved time with the little ones.

I've always been "good with kids."  That's part of the reason why I've enjoyed being mom so very much!!!



In the midst of enjoying these sweet babies whom we celebrated with great anticipation their arrival, as well as each and every milestone they continue to achieve,  there is a little one, because of her mother's estrangement we don't have permission to celebrate. 

I've contemplated various "celebrate her life anyway" ideas... donating gifts "in her honor" to various crisis pregnancy organizations... I just can't get worked up about doing that, yet. 

Just Giving Them the Love You Don't

Can you not see, that with your good intentions, you are actually hurting our children?!

Ninteen Sets of Parents... And Counting...

Her social worker estimated our newest daughter moved about every three months... from age twenty-one months... until she was placed in our home at about a week or two from age six.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is what her Psychologist diagnosed...
...Before anything was published for parents,
...Before DSMV offered to more-specifically define "RAD."

It made sense.  ANY child, even one who hadn't been pickled in the womb... hadn't been raised in "that environment" for almost the first two years... BUT  might "ONLY"  have been moved from one ONLY-LOVING home to another... every three months.... from 21 months... would certainly have "issues." 

It's not her fault.  

It's not ours either.  

We're the 19th set of parents... and counting.

I'd love to say we're the last.

We're learning her ongoing behavior is quite typical for adults who had multiple caregivers in early childhood. 

She's an adult now.  She's serving society in a respectable career on "the other side of" her family of origin's income generating efforts.

We're confident we impacted her life positively.

She still, understandably, has "issues."

Prickly as a cactus... we continue to love her as much as she will allow.

It seems loving this child and her half-biological sibling group that were placed together with us for adoption requires (of course) that we honor their journey.

Their experiences are nothing like our experiences of origin.

Our family has always been "ours."

We naively believed The Forever Family Social Experiment's promise... they'd belong to "ours" forever.

That promise never acknowledged our newest children's reality.

Yes... Legally we're their parents.  Yes.  We LEGALLY gave them our name.  Yes, We went into this all-in.  Our hearts have been and continue to be committed.   Yes, we had "family expectations" based on our own knowledge of what family is. 

But their reality is...

Who the social experiment defined as their latest "Real Family" kept changing.... 18 times before us... and Who they choose to define as their "Real Family" will continue to change God knows how many times after us.

At 21 She played Babe-ette to her initial drama triangulating "savior" Momma-ette and Dadda-ette...  until that particular paradise failed... as the overzealous-savior-mom-internet-psychology-student moved into an ethics-less internship under the woman who used to foster our adoptee's half-bio sister for eight years...  together the two mental health "professional" wannabees betrayed our daughter regularly until she got disgusted and moved on to the next set people she'd define as her "real-family."


Six years since what I call our adoptee's "RAD-typical" Conjoined meltdown.... Six years of mostly estrangement... with mini-bursts of masked connection from the "officially diagnosed" one... In perfect line with the diagnosis given to her at age 7...

Radtypically, Our adoptees continue to follow their own hearts and minds to find the family that is presently "most-real" to them.

Our "officially diagnosed"Daughter is radtypically currently playing daughter/sister to a mother/daughter duo who due to drug addiction were separated for many years.  Familiar.  Manipulative on all sides. Perfect for now.  I imagine their dynamic must draw her because they "understand" her reality. 

Sonny-delight continues to pretend our former friends are his "real family"... (He was removed at birth and was estimated to have about 9 or 10 sets of parents before the special needs sibling group was placed with us when he was about 2.5 years old.)

Well meaning Christian people believe they are serving JESUS to play rescuer/savior to our adoptees... yet in all their efforts to SAVE our children they reject any possibility their own meddling and pretending to be "THE FAMILY OUR CHILDREN NEVER HAD" is actually harming these adult-children who bear our name... these grown children we carry in our hearts. 

When we address these of the most stout servitude, explaining how their "help" serves to divide our family... explaining...

Instead of Playing Savior... 

...they should be Praying to The Savior! 

 When we bare our hearts to these assorted, well intentioned family members and "Christian" friends.... explaining how hurtful their "rescuing" behaviors are to our family as a whole... What they seem to hear is "Never talk to our children!"  They are so deceived.  

 

4th Anniversary of Their Conjoined Meltdown

Today, I'm giving myself permission to grieve if I need to.  Today is THE official date that first comes to mind every time I think about "scheduling" grief so it won't consume my life.  Other dates "of significance" are slated, but they don't stand out as THE day.  Today is THE day.
 
Today marks the 4th anniversary of our adoptees' conjoined meltdown. (Which makes 10 years in total that we never knew our adoptive daughter, 6.5 years we never knew our adoptive son.)

Today just happens to also be the day our oldest, who flew down to celebrate our birthdays, is flying home.

I'd marked the calendar to grieve if I wanted to...

Hopping out of bed to drop our sweet daughter at the airport so very early, it was so very easy to grab the simple "mourning" outfit I'd selected so long ago for this "special" date...

Daughter commented how pretty I looked in my easy breezy black floor-length dress.  Pretty wasn't what I was going for, she didn't have to know that.  On the drive in to the airport, daughter, hubby and I talked about today's "anniversary" and hubby and I encouraged her that it's okay to grieve if she needs to... no pressure.  She thought it was weird and preferred to forget the date not remember it.  We explained it was a counselor's suggestion to acknowledge grief, and schedule it so we can readily and really enjoy other dates without grief over taking us. 

Anyway we said a quick goodbye at the airport with awesome hugs and had to hurry home for hubby to start work on time.

Today I'd planned to light my candle if I need to, so far I'm not feeling the need.  I'm probably more tired than anything.  When our daughter is in town late nights and fun running around keeps us a tad sleep deprived.

The fact that August 1 happens to be "National Girlfriends Day" it REALLY helps me feel grateful and encouraged!!!!!  I heard about "National Girlfriends Day" for the very first time yesterday on TV.  I'm so very grateful to have so very many truly beautiful life long friendships!  I'm also so very grateful there is also this on-line blogging sisterhood of parenting RAD that has allowed me to meet, talk with, email, text etc... etc... etc.... so very many awesome women I've met through sharing my experiences in parenting RAD.  These newest "girlfriends" who have also devoted their hearts to welcoming traumatized children into their families, seem to be living our parallel universe.  I'm so very grateful for the friendships that have developed seemingly out of the rubble left behind when RAD attacks.

Today, is earmarked for grief... but I'm not yet feeling it... I've given myself permission to grieve all day if need be, but honestly, right now... I'm more grateful than grief filled.  Each moment that passes it  seems I accept a little more the fact we invited them to be part of our "forever family" but their concept of "family" and forever has been marred courtesy of their birth family and the system that poisoned their minds.  Their experiences long before we ever knew them told them again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again that forever, and family never lasts.

It's not their fault.  It's not ours either.

Peace.

Walls of Protection

I got a text from one of my dearest friends.  I have known him ALL my life.  We grew up together.  Started kindergarten together, graduated high school together... he was one of my hubby's groomsmen at our wedding.  He visited us here just before ETAAM.

"OMG! I'm working now but HAD to tell you!!!!"

This friend has always had more energy than the Energizer Bunny!  He keeps going, and going and going and going.  Most days, he rushes from his day job, to his night job that pays for all the running he does when he's not working.  Oh, if I could bottle that energy!!!   He's my age... so my lack of energy ain't got nothing to do with how old I am.

At his night job, he is a super star.  Shoot, as far as I'm concerned everywhere he goes he's a super star!!!  People adore him!!!!   I feel like I'm a celebrity when I'm with him because we always get a flood of people flocking to us like paparazzi.  

He waits tables at a popular restaurant in my home town.  Simply calling him a "waiter" doesn't seem appropriate... the level of service and care he provides his customers is truly outstanding... which is why so many of the people he serves flock to him when he's out and about... they honestly consider him a friend. 

Well, it turns out he's been training a new guy at work.  This new guy is cracking up as my friend is explaining how to cope with the frustrations the job has.  The new guy says, you're so funny, I can only think of one person as funny as you, my mom... I bet if you met her, you two would be great friends!

Well... turns out new guy has his parents coming in for dinner tonight... turns out it's another of my dearest friends, another member of my hubby's and my wedding party from 30 years ago.  She's one of my dearest friends from back in the day.

She's the gal that back-in-the-day I kept trying to get my other friends to meet, befriend, hang out with, but they'd keep asking what I ever saw in her as a person.

This friend and my friend who texted me were all good friends.  The three of us used to hang out together quite a bit.  They lost touch... despite living so close their busy lives just went in different directions.

The next day my childhood neighbor called to say it was great to see her, she looked like her younger self but older, and much better than he'd expected she might, at our age.  ha ha.

He went on to say he felt dirty, because, yes, she's still very funny, and she made him laugh quite a bit but every thing she was joking about was at someone else's expense. 

I reminded him she was probably really insecure.  I reminded him "how she would get" when she was in a situation where she felt judged.  Her tactics had always been to hurt them before they hurt her.  I never enjoyed being with her in a group setting, but when it was just the three of us... or just the two of us... she was always sincere, and vulnerable and lovely.

He said yes, he had forgotten, but in hindsight the night prior she seemed to vacillate between lovely and obnoxious.  He said there were a couple of times he wanted to say "What are you doing???? Don't you remember?  You KNOW me!  You can trust me!  We're friends!  You're safe here!!!!"

We've got plans for the three of us to get together soon.  I'm looking forward to it.  I'm hoping she'll feel safe enough around us to have her walls down.

(not really adoption related... but I'm aware and saddened our adoptees have many walls, masks, masquerades that protect them... I hope they'll find people with whom they can be real.)

Hubby Continues to Find Support in Awesome Places

Hubby signed up for a study of Pastor Tony Evan's book, Kingdom Man.

 First week was introduction where the men each shared a little bit about who they are.  Uncharacteristically, during introductions, hubby mentioned he currently struggles with troubles brought into our lives courtesy our adult adoptees, their behaviors as young adults exactly matching the symptoms list of the mental illness diagnosed years earlier when they were first placed with us.  That same night, after that first meeting, an "elderly gentleman" in his 70's quietly said he needed to talk... it turns out he is also an adoptive father, 20 years ahead of our experience, and now grandfather to many of his adopted daughter's multiple children, by many different men.

Hubby came home encouraged.   He is not alone in this journey.

Week after week Hubby was eager to "do his homework" for the class... loving the contents of the book, and the fellowship among men who were studying this book with him.

Several, quiet conversations afterwards with the more experienced adoptive father were definitely a bonus.

Fast forward to the last class... where this group of men who had been coming together to share their experiences, their hopes and struggles in walking out Kingdom values as men in our culture, time to say goodbye.

Hubby has a "ministry" not for profit, not for tax deduction, it's something he's good at,  enjoys doing that benefits others... and he offers his services to whomever could be blessed by computer repair.  His "day job" pays way more than his repair work ever could... but he loves to have his hands in electronics troubleshooting and repairing.  We decided long ago "charging" for services to earn a profit robbed the family of time, because his "overtime" computer repair work earned far less than minimum wage... and he was doing it more as a hobby.  It became obvious that the average person who needs computer repairs finds the repairs to be quite expensive... and would be blessed if hubby "donated" his services tinkering to repair their computers.  The joys associated with working to serve the Lord is worth so much more than any money hubby might earn from dedicating the bulk of his time off towards tinkering on his financially unprofitable passion. 

At the last class, when the men were saying goodbye to the other men they had bared their hearts to regarding life... my hubby described his "ministry" and passed out a business card with his full name and contact info on it.

One man came up to him... and apologized. 

Outside of this class, my husband didn't know this man... at all.

Outside this class, this man knew OF my husband, but didn't know until he saw the name... my husband was a man he'd heard MUCH about. 

You see... this man was a neighbor to our adult-daughter's "rescue mommy" ... this man worked at a "christian" business with our adult RAD. 

This man couldn't figure out why our daughter, an adult, lived with a senior citizen couple that was not her own parents.

When he asked what was up with the very strange living arrangements... our daughter gave him ears full... of RAD garbage.

He spent endless hours trying to "counsel" our daughter how to handle her "plight"... to the point his wife was wondering if our daughter was "the other woman."

Before this class... this man had no idea who my husband was... but through this class... as the men shared the burdens of their heart to serve God honorably in all they do... this man got to really know my husband.

This man saw the card, saw my husbands full name, and immediately identified "the stories" as stories about my husband.  This man apologized, profusely for his involvement in our family.  He apologized for being so easily duped.

He apologized.  From out of nowhere.  We weren't even aware he'd "meddled" at all... we didn't even know he existed.  We're grateful truth was revealed to his heart.  We're grateful he stepped forward to make things right.

We continue to pray for all who have been duped into believing the lies, manipulations, and triangulations of Reactive Attachment Disorder.  We pray they'd be convicted of their wrongs, and heartfully sorry, not condemned forever for their unwitting evils... see... he... like most involved... really believed he was helping... until truth was revealed.

Lord have mercy!

Don't Let Grief Steal Your Days

Today is a day of significance for our family... courtesy of adoption... and so today, for a little while... I'm allowing myself to grieve what Reactive Attachment Disorder continues to steal, from our adopted kids, and our family.

It is fast approaching 4 years after our adoptees' RADtypical meltdown and attack against us.  This year our "Adoption Day" anniversary had passed more than a month before I realized it had come, and gone.   I kind of consider that progress.  I kind of am surprised.  I had always treasured that date... the date of the beginning of our dreams come true.  That date, after RAD attacked, became a source of pain... and this year, it passed without anticipation, or remembrance.  It just passed...  We were busy, and having fun... and honestly didn't notice.  It wasn't an active effort to try and forget the date... I actually intended to honor that date.  It simply passed, unnoticed.

Quite a while ago, Hubby and I had a counselor suggest we schedule dates and times to grieve, so our adoption grief could be honored and expressed without robbing us of the pleasures available to us in every day life.

I was very surprised when my first "appointed day" for grieving arrived and I didn't "feel like" mourning... I was having too much fun.  Our counselor explained that was the point... "If the day arrives, and you don't feel like grieving, you don't have to..."  It seemed like her point was to not let grief steal our days.


Back when "scheduled grief" was prescribed... I giggled (a lot) as I envisioned how I might grieve who our living children had become.  I imagined myself dressed in black with a shawl and a hankie... mourning.

The days where overwhelming sadness would flatten me, I'd tell myself, this isn't the day nor time to mourn, but I will, at the appropriate time... then I'd begin imagining what that would look like... and start giggling again.

During my planning grief gigglefests decided I'd someday "light a candle" when the time to grieve arose.  I was raised in a denomination where one could put coins in a box and pay to "light a candle" for prayer intentions.  I remember my mom tearfully lighting candles for her prayer intentions, as we'd visit older churches that still had the red-glass votives.  As I got older, the candles became electric push button and the price to ignite was listed in dollars... I'd always found the concept that a paid candle would pray for me to be a bit weird, but when I envisioned what grief should look like... those candles were part of  the picture... even though they make me giggle.  

That same year for Christmas I got an OLD brass and red glass votive from a friend who had a knack for finding treasures and glitzing them up to make holiday gifts for friends who are dear to her.  Perfect!!!  Not perfect for my decorating style... not even my holiday decorating... but perfect as my grief candle.  I removed the holiday embellishments and set it up for our kids. 

I've placed the candle on my front entry table as a reminder when grief comes, there is a time to grieve, and when the time comes I'll do so... if I feel like it.  And I smile.

Today is the anniversary of a day of significance regarding our adoption... a formerly celebratory day, but a day I'd set to grieve if need be.  Today grief fits, not for the full day... It's a day my hubby and I have decided to celebrate with or without our beloved adoptees.

... And we WILL celebrate today...

                       but for this morning... 

for this mourning... 

I've lit a candle.

They Know... Struggle to Understand the Motive; Yet They Themselves Also Inflict the Pain of Abandonment

I was talking with one of my awesome Adoptive Mom friends... She also knows the "I love you" but won't see you phenomenon of the adult estranged adoptees.

She's pursing her estranged ones a little more actively than I have peace about doing with our estranged RADs.  (I don't for a second mean to imply either of us are wrong... I believe God's peace leads us along the best paths for our lives.)

I was trying to comfort her letting her know that these kids who have genuinely experienced abandonment have pains so deep that we, children who have had the loving presence of both parents for life, can merely imagine the depths of.

I don't remember her exact words, but... it was something along the lines of...

They know the pains of abandonment... they struggle to understand HOW anyone (specifically their bio-parents) could abandon someone (the child "given up") they are supposed to love... and yet that is exactly what our estranged kids are doing and they don't even see it!   They are abandoning the parents they are supposed to love, and YES, WE DO KNOW THE PAIN OF ABANDONMENT THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!   Just like THEY should never have been abandoned by their first parents... THEY should have never abandoned us the real parents that raised and love them.

Hmmmm... yes... we know the pain... I still believe their pain is deeper.   Young adults are supposed to embark on their adult life apart from their parents.   It would be beautiful if they were capable of maintaining loving ties to the parents who love them.  We each do have that healthy thriving relationship with our other child(ren).

Recently in the course of living I've had the opportunity to speak to a string of "estranged adult children" mostly "bio kids" each estranged for very different reasons.  So very sad.

Each estranged-from-parents adult either perpetual "loners" or with a long string of short relationships.

With several of these "coincidental" (?? doubt it!!!) recent encounters, I had the opportunity to express to each my husband's and my own yearning for reciprocally loving adult parent-child relationships with our estranged adult adoptees.  I've explained that we are eager to see them happily live the life they desire as adults, we just truly wish that their desired adult life could include a connection to us on some level.

Each estranged adult child (from early 30's to Senior Citizen) said they knew their parent's loved them, and confirmed that they loved their parents despite their own (in all but one situation) chosen estrangement.  

There's been quite a bit in the news lately about "strong relationships" and "close personal ties" and "close family relationships" being critical in determining a person's ability to "overcome" the various obstacles of life.

Here's an article from PLOS Medicine on Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review .

Meanwhile... we continue to pray the very best for the children we love. 

Merry Christmas Y'all

Merry Christmas to all my friends (who read this... and even those who don't!)

And Happy New Year!!!!

We've been busy with my brother's family visiting... which is always so nice!!! His two are still so young, but growing quickly and we always have such fun seeing them and playing with them.  We were just at their house before Halloween.  After we left the little one was reported to have said repeatedly he "ONLY" loves me and my hubby.   Ha ha.  Nice to know some kids find us loveable! 

The two little ones were at first quite shy of our new puppy, but the older one warmed up quickly.  When we all met at a nearby amusement park, the little guy told us our dog was mean because he kept kissing him.  Awww... maybe next visit our puppy will be less kissy faced.

This is such a busy time.  I'm not missing Facebook at all.  I'm glad to have closed it!

During a Christmas party we saw a friend, grandmother to many little ones... I think she told me her latest count is 7.  She still has a little one at home herself.... her baby is 10 or 11 years old.  She asked how "things" were going with our estranged kids.  I told her the older of the two is transforming us into grandparents while estranged.  This friend told me quite emphatically I "NEED TO FIGHT" for my rights to see that grandchild!!!  That grandchild NEEDS her grandparents. 

We pray for our kids, and our newly developing granddaughter.  I will not "FIGHT' for my rights to see any of my grandkids.  Sorry.  It's not that they're not worth it.  It's not that they don't "need" our love.  It's that RAD is Mom... and Mom is RAD.  

The only fight I find worth fighting regarding our RADkids is on my knees. 

Meanwhile on the still-estranged-sonny-delight front, our oldest called and shared her frustration, she had reached out to give a heads up that Christmas greetings were on the way and found out from her estranged from us brother's wife that they had moved... and noone told her... and he's deployed... and didn't tell her.  I encouraged our oldest that in ANY relationship, where communication is less than she'd desire or where she'd like to be treated differently in any manner, it is perfectly appropriate to speak up and let her desires be known.  I told her she's not doing anyone any favors to secretly stew about how she's perceived mistreatment.  She asked how things worked in my siblings and my adult relationships.  I explained that all families are different.  It seems most often women are more likely to try and keep in touch.

With My siblings Mom has always been the central connection for address updates, deployments and various tidbits of interesting sibling activities.  We do connect on our own, but rely on hearing summaries of activities from Mom.  Naturally some siblings stay in contact more with some than others.  We also have a cool first cousin that started annual family address updates.  I really appreciate that labor of love.  It keeps us up-to-date on not only addresses, but birthdays, and children and pets and as they have come along grandchildren.

I explained to our oldest that non-communication from her estranged-from-us adopted brother and his wife is not necessarily a snub... and the best way to let anyone know what we'd like in any relationship is to speak up. 

Catching Up With an Old Friend

My hubby loves to fiddle with computers.  He considered making a business of it, but could never bring himself to charge much more than the part itself.  I encouraged him to do the work as a ministry to others... charging only for what he might need to lay out for a part he doesn't have.  He LOVES helping others... and he loves fiddling with computers... perfect match.

A friend I keep up with, sent a mutual friend I've not seen nor heard from in YEARS our way to see if DH could help solve computer woes.

The call came through me... and me and my friend from long ago got to "catch up."

This old friend knew me from "pre-adoption" days.   She knew me quite well through the "hoping to adopt soon" days.  We lost contact in the "gee adopting these kids requires so much more of my attention than I imagined, but I'm glad to give them what they need" stage.

In some ways it seems like only yesterday we were spending quality time together, in other ways it seems like ten lifetimes ago.  It was good to "catch up."

I noticed something as I was updating my friend on what's going on since we last spoke... my perspective of this ordeal is less focused on my pain.

 I kept emphasizing despite how very painful the RADtypical behaviors are for my husband daughter and me; we, the family scorned, we are certain our estranged adoptees must be hurting to extremes we simply can not imagine.


  

Foster Care in the News

Huffington Post has a nifty article on traumatized foster kids overcoming great odds as a adolescents...

Cool article, I hoped to make an annonymous comment... not possible.  so I'll link the article here and the comment I intended to leave (but wouldn't have been able to even if I did register... because as usual, my comment is longer than 250 characters.)

Finding Hope After Trauma by Gary Stangler 

As an adoptive parent of a "special needs sibling group" adopted out of our state's foster system in 1994, I'm very grateful our adoptive children's adoption social worker had the foresight to "guarantee" psychiatric care until age 18 for all three!!!  I can't express how desperately psychiatric intervention for the three was needed "after 18!"

I'm not normally a fan of putting a video game in the hands of a child and calling them a "child" until they are 30, however ...in the case of mentally ill individuals (especially in the case of our "special needs sibling adoption group")  I 100% see the benefits of extending psychiatric care past 18 for "attachment disordered" adoptees!!!!!

"Over-18" is where our adoptees have had THE MOST difficulty! 

They have accomplished much... they still have so very far to go!  I remain hopeful!

The age-appropriate season of "detachment" as young-adults to begin to embark on their "adult lives" reawakened the abandonment issues and RAD behaviors in our adopted children that were troubling to see in young children, and horrifying to see as they became young adults.   

Our "overcame-so-much" Honor-Rolled college student who completed most of her AA degree as a dually enrolled high school student went for one semester out-of-state to college... then dropped out and returned home a completely different person!!!

The Reactive Attachment Disorder we believed she was healed of, was back in ways we never imagined possible.

Her adoption benefit of unlimited psychiatric care had "run out."  Our daughter was eligible for care through our family insurance plan as long as she remained a full-time student... but she had quit school.  We offered to pay for her psychiatric care but she refused.  She continued to spiral downward under the unethical "counsel" of an overzealous student of psychology, who encouraged her to call her "mom."  That lady who bought our daughter's affections with expensive gifts she could not afford (like a car) became "mom" to our 21 year old daughter.  Three years later in the eyes of our adopted daughter that "RAD typically triangulated" woman is still "mom" and I am not. 

I have since learned this behavior of early-traumatized adoptees adopting gullible new families when they are young adults phenomenon is quite common behavior for Attachment Disordered individuals who were adopted out of orphanages or the foster system.

We learned, in our neck of the woods anyway,  parental rights regarding psychiatric issues expire before a child reaches 18. 

... Our simultaneously spiraling-downward (unofficially diagnosed "inhibited form" RAD) at 2-months-to-18-year-old son was supposedly getting the psychiatric "help" we so very strongly encouraged him to participate in, but we as parents had no right, according to his counselor, to information on his progress or lack-thereof... "It's not like medical records... the laws are different... I'm not allowed..."  

Like his "officially diagnosed RAD" older sister, our son chose his own set of "new parents" as is common for legally-adult adoptees with  attachment disorders to do.   

As painful as it is to experience this rejection from children we have poured the very best of everything we have into... their "coping mechanism" kind of makes sense.    It is familiar to them... their "roots" have been pulverized.  I don't fully understand their behavior because my life's experiences are so drastically different than theirs.  My family has always been my family.  They joined my family.  They have been grafted in... they have access to my roots, but my roots have not always been their roots.  Their roots have never been my roots. 

They have experienced traumas I would never wish on anyone.  They are coping as best as they know how.

Our adopted children had lived separately as foster children were only "placed together, 'as a sibling group' for adoption" when their bio-mom was required to terminate her parental rights for issues of abuse/neglect/abandonment. 

The oldest I was told lived 8 years with one foster family...

The middle I was told had an estimated 17 different families...

The youngest was removed from bio-mom's "care" shortly after birth and bounced between 5 or six homes that I'm aware of before coming home to ours. 

The three children (placed with us at ages 2.5, 6, and 13) had come to us at an "interim" foster placement after a "failed special-needs-sibling-group adoptive placement."  They EACH had experienced numerous psychological (and other) traumas before ever being placed in our family. 

According to our children's social worker, this beautiful, symptomatically RAD initially-charming child never lasted more than 90 days in any one foster or adoptive placement. 

The social worker wanted "this" adoptive placement to work out.  We did too! 

I'm grateful to see the overcoming the impacts of difficult beginnings related to foster adoption story in the news. 

I'm eager for the world-at-large to learn about Reactive Attachment Disorder and how to best support the mental health of individuals who have experienced trauma during the most important years of brain development.  

I too have tremendous hope for our children who had overcome so much before we ever knew who they were, who have accomplished so much as young adults, and who STILL have a lonnnnng way to go!!!! 

Desperately Seeking Shock and Horror Sympathy and Gifts

Before there was Barney... I was a kid.

Even though there was no Barney, I watched a TV kid show with a singing Dinosaur called H.R. Pufnstuf...

I remember me and the siblings laughing and giggling and singing Witchiepoo's song...
even though we got the lyrics wrong...

As a kid I thought the lyrics were "Oranges Poranges Who Cares!"

Oranges Poranges

When I think "who cares?!" 

I think "Oranges Poranges." 

Feel free to thank me for getting that song caught in your brain!


I've been trying to figure out our estranged "officer RAD"'s motivation for reaching out to our more gullible  extended family to "visit" on a trip up to our home town. 

Yes, there's always the symptomatic RADtypical Triangulation aspect. 


It occurred to me this morning her "audience" of sympathy back here in the town she was raised might actually be waning.

As I think, I wonder...How long can gainfully employed "young adults" continue to gain sympathy, gifts, money, affection, and attention for the various abuses they're pretending to have endured in our care?  Sooner or later the gravy train will dry up. 

The act gets stale... at least that's what I would think.

 Shoot, I can't imagine what motivates the crazies who slurped up our RAD's drama and ended up drooling for more... these nutsos pay for their "real-life-is-better-than-soap-operas" brand of entertainment rewarding our adult RADs with "love" and money and gifts, and sympathy and attention, but I think...I hope... that eventually they might tire of the same old drivel. 

I think perhaps the long-standing local :rescuers" may finally be picking up on the fact that our loving-attached-well-adjusted daughter who grew up in the same home with the same "abusive" parents doesn't want or need them to rescue her from us.  Perhaps the self-appointed-"saviors" are picking up on the "You make me sick, what's the matter with you? Leave our family alone!" vibe our oldest has toward the "church community" who have continued to meddle, and drool and meddle and drool and "rescue.

Certainly they must pick up on the fact that for every week-long+ visit our oldest only willing to spend about an hour or less with the siblings who have attacked our family and perpetuate tales insane falsehoods.

Our now 3-years-older-adult-RADs are not as pitiful as they first appeared when they started their RADtypical triangulation of the community at large against us.

Shoot, in the land of the gainfully employed our "pathetic abused little darlings" are doing better than most of the adult children of their RADtypically triangulated meddlers!

I imagine somewhere even in "rescuers" whose brains have faulty wiring... would eventually have a light come on!!!  How could it not?

Some parents have always been bums.  I'm not saying that to be mean... I'm saying that because generations upon generations of our adoptees' bio-family have allowed "the system" to raise their kids. Lousy parenting is a generational way of life for them... for people in their drug infested environment.  I

We are not lousy parents.  We never have been. 
Half the shock and horror effect that has the insanely deranged audience captivated by... 
THE SCANDAL of our "Beautiful Family"
... is the supposition that we have had this "plastic perfect" exterior while living a secret life of abuse that  would make the next great scandalous reality show.

Our "story" would be far less captivating if we had always been bums in their eyes.  These drama hungry goons put us on a pedestal in comparing our beautiful family to the mess they had made of their own.  They have since enjoyed pushing us off their pedestal, trying to make us crumble, because they are eager to dance in our dust.  It makes them feel better to think we are at least as horrible as they know they have been. 

As our adult RADs broaden their adult-circle in the big outside world and begin to encounter people who were left to grow up in the environment social services removed them from...BEFORE they came to us...  I'm sure there is not much tolerance for our adoptees' "tales of woe" having been raised in our nurturing home... especially as they encounter individuals who were REALLY raised in abusive/neglectful/deprived environments. 

Anyway It seems officer RAD, in reaching out to family she's only related to through the parents she denies, with hopes chasing down a new audience, looking to renew reactions of shock-horror-and-sympathy-and-gifts with those gullible individuals most likely to be generous once entertained by RAD drama. 

I suspect the drama is finally loosing it's power. 
Drama that has been officer RAD's bread and butter;
her roof  and pillow;
her transportation and gifts;
her attention and sympathy...
let's not forget her "only" source of "love."

Oh how I would love for our daughter's RADtypical drama to start to get "Oranges Poranges! Who Cares!" as a response instead of Shock and Horror and Sympathy and Gifts.

When our RADs stop getting tangible and not so tangible reinforcement for their RADtypical behavior, I'm certain they will begin to be encouraged to make healthy choices along life's path.

Baby Mommas

I've heard our estranged daughter's BF of several months is a big guy...

This is one of the first ones she's not fallen in love with his mother, then proclaimed before dating he is the one she will marry.  So that's a change of pace. 

She's going up to where MY family and My in-laws live to meet his family. She wants him to meet our family as well. Officer RAD has invited the gullible ones to meet her man. 

(Can our family be "her" family if she's ONLY related to them through us, and she's disowned us?)

Turns out there's a couple Baby Mommas in this guy's life. 

"But supposedly he's a good dad... he tries to stay in contact with his three kids."

REALLY... I'm happier not knowing. 

Trying to Love My Enemies

Yeah.

Today I saw the family that's been running away from us in public places... we've been praying for them... really. 

Their crap hurts.

As often as their crap hurts us, we pray for them. 

It's obvious they don't have love to offer... and that alone is enough reason for me to pray for them.

Today I called the matriarch by name, she covered her face with her bible, pretending to be reading as she was walking,  I called her name again, she looked up... I told her we've been praying for you and the family.  We have, as a matter of fact I was praying for their family by name on the way to church because we often see their adult son there.  We've never seen the whole family there.

Today I saw a man who used to lead the homeschool sports stuff we brought our kids to.  I was told our "officer RAD" estranged three years responded to a call... "Hey, I saw your daughter not too long ago..." 

Normally I tell people if you see officer RAD... tell her her mommy and daddy love her very much. 



Today... mommy is tired of the bullshit. 

Today mommy would like to imagine life without the ongoing trauma traumatized kids have brought to our lives.   3 years and counting.  God help me.  Please.

So today I was daydreaming about requiring our adult adoptees to give back our name.

Yay...trying to love my enemies...

Matthew 5:43-48 Love for Enemies

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Happy Traumaversary? They've Moved Out of My Home, Would Someone Kindly Evict Them From My Brain?!!!!

Right smack dab between birthday celebrations and our wedding anniversary is our Traumaversary.

It was yesterday. 




Yesterday officially marked 3 years since our adoptees had their "conjoined meltdown" and the older of the two adoptees filed false allegations of abuse against her dad... then filed for (and was denied) a restraining order against both of us because as her sworn application states she "feared for her life."  Trauma, Drama, Devastation.  All so typically RAD. 

Well... Mother's Day I got a text... Father's Day hubby got a text and an email.  We rejoiced because we thought perhaps our persevering hope was winning out. 

Our oldest (bio) has made a point to be home for our birthdays.  We've told her she doesn't need to... but in reality her visit, her real-life-hugs and abundant love is the sweetest gift. 

We were dropping her at the airport last night... it seems a bomb threat along her plane's earlier path set her departure out a few hours past what was originally slated.  The airline explained she should arrive on time "in case" they were able to send plane off as originally scheduled.   This gave us the gift of a few more hours to  enjoy a leisurely meal at the airport before she departed.  I so totally didn't even realize yesterday was THE TRAUMAVERSARY. 

Today I got an invite to join a RAD support group from another adoptive mom parenting RAD who seems to be living our parallel universe RADwise.  I thanked her kindly and started to explain it's been ALMOST three years since we're empty nesters... and I need my focus to be less on what was... more on our future... then I realized... it's not almost three years... it's three years yesterday. 

Most days I'm doing fine.  I have "moments" where I feel deeply the pain they and their rescuers delight to inflict.  Their rescuers feel justified in their insanity because they have fallen into the trap of believing our RADs' RADtypical charm and deception. 

Smack dab in the middle of our oldest child's visit... I WOKE UP ANGRY.  Most days, when I contemplate RADs' gift to us... I'm hurt... I'm sad... but I was surprised how angry I was.  And that's how it hits me.  Right in the middle of abundant JOY here come those feelings.  It's the joyful happy memories that trigger me the most.  I feel so betrayed. 

I have been so betrayed. 

I continue to be betrayed. 

I told my husband I want so desperately to give up on them.  To close that door and never look back.  I don't want to be hurt by them or their "rescuers" anymore.    I've hidden most of their pictures from my sight around the house.  The photos are not destroyed... I think one day I might regret losing those photos.  I just don't want to see them now. 

I want to evict them from my brain. 

Meanwhile most of the "Somebody That I Used to Know" song reminds me of them... because I haven't recognized them in years.  In three years... and counting. 

Despite Estrangement, Parental Privileges Are Not Revoked

Dear hubby and I have had an unexplained prayer burden for our son specifically spanning the last 4 days. Our son has not responded to contact since he turned 18. He'll be 21 in October. Just celebrated his first wedding anniversary. We didn't know HOW or WHY he was struggling. God just whispered in our ears he was... And we needed to pray for our all-grown-up little boy. Our oldest/bio-daughter keeps shallow intermittent contact with her adoptive siblings. We encourage and support that contact, but do not pry. We don't want her to feel like an informant. We tell her she is welcome to share what she needs to share and keep confidences private. 

It is truthfully easier for us NOT to hear their activities. 

Our oldest/bio-daughter has shared BIG things that concern her... but doesn't share much else....
Eg- RADdaughter traveling to Germany to "meet" a man she never met before but was in love with him through his mother at work. 
-RADson enlisted.
-RADson eloped
-and the day before I saved this post to draft.... Our oldest/bio-daughter shared our son was being shipped overseas. 

I'm grateful for the privilege to pray for our adoptees.  My prayer is every day they'd take more and more steps closer to healing.

I hate that they are hurting.  I hate that their pain from early traumas experienced long before we ever met them causes them to lash out at this family that has lovingly welcomed and raised them.   I hate that they have hurt the us so badly because thy are hurting. 

I am grateful for the "inside scoop" of prayer burdens for them from The One Who knows them best. 

The Not-So-Delicate-Anymore Orchid

The Mother's Day just before RAD melted down, the two (who would just 2 1/2 months later become estranged) gave me a beautiful orchid. 

Shortly after Mother's Day, that beautiful delicate orchid appeared to die off.

It then come back with glorious blooms a couple of times before our RADs had their meltdown. 

I had never owned an orchid, before... had always wanted one...  had heard they were difficult to care for. 
I was amazed in the beginning how so-very-easy this beauty was! 

After our RADs melted-down the orchid went stagnant. 

It looked like it had some life, but no matter what I did, it wasn't thriving and it certainly wasn't giving blossoms. 

I tried to "save" the plant, but tired quickly of investing so much effort caring for something, though once beautiful, that was not giving back. 

I also had much pain looking at a reminder of my adopted children's loving generosity... reminding me of a time that I was blissfully ignorant our beloved adoptees were fast in-the-process of spiraling downward toward a crash that would devastate us all. 

I hate to give up on beautiful living things.  

I hate to give up on ugly living things.  

I hate to give up!

It was simply too painful to continue to care for a gift that reminded me of good times with the ones who have been hurting us so deeply.

I remembered a family friend mentioned her step-mom put a seemingly "expired" orchid in the woven branches of one of their palm trees and it continues to bloom regularly without effort or maintenance. 

Our quasi-tropical environment is a good environment for many living things... I put the non-performing orchid in the shade of our shrubs near the front door.  It would get water with rain and/or the sprinkler system, be protected from the harsh sun, and be out of my direct line of sight from day-to-day. 

Curious I'd peek at it from time-to-time.  If it ever appeared dead... I figured I'd re-use the pot for something else.  It continued to hang in there.  If it had life... I wasn't going to give up on it. 

Until recently, it hasn't exactly thrived... but it didn't die either. 
Our wild bunnies nibbled on it for a while... lol ...the rabbits put a comically big-mouth-shaped bite on one of the plant's two leaves, then it seemed the rabbits didn't care for it so much anymore. 

I've been content letting the delicate orchid live a not-so-delicate life. 

It's been out, on its own, doing its own thing  for about 2 years now...  without much visible progress at all. 

Recently the orchid appears to be near-ready to bloom. It's darker, haggard, not nearly as pristine as it was when it arrived fresh from the green house.  It's sprouted a third leaf... and actually has the potential for blossoms!

Two days ago I noticed a shoot containing buds rising out of the plant ... I checked the external/internal pots for critters (none)  and brought the not-so-delicate-anymore orchid back in.  It looks like the orchid might have ended almost 2 years of stagnation and might just indeed bloom!

I'm hopeful... and encouraged!

I realize this orchid does not have a "spiritual link" to my kids who gifted it to me. 

But... when RAD melted down...
The actions, as parent, that I've had most peace about have been...
praying for them as often as they come to mind...

and

...just letting go of them... 

...allowing them do their own thing....  

                                                ...uninterrupted...
                                                             ...whatever that might be. 

(Like I ever had much choice to do anything else lol!)

I'm hoping... like the orchid... as our two young adult RADs have been doing their own thing for a couple of years now... they'd eventually show signs of health and healing, gain their bearing and blossom into adults strong enough to once more become a beautiful part of our lives.

Hubby reads me an "In Touch" devotional almost nightly. The devotional, linked here, popped up around the same time the orchid showed much progress. It confirms to me letting go of our adultRADkids doesn't, by any means, mean we've given up on them!

RAD Damages the Cause and Effect Reasoning Part of the Brain

Everything I've read about RAD says the early trauma (primarily between conception and age three) that causes Reactive Attachment Disorder "damages" the "cause and effect reasoning" part of the RAD affected brain. 

I keep seeing that damage more and more evident as our estranged Adult RAD keeps making more and more dangerous choices. 

I know from parenting her...

When she doesn't "get it," she just doesn't get it. 

So often she doesn't easily recognize what would be obvious "red flags" of DANGER to most others.

Her self chosen estrangement as a young adult with Reactive Attachment Disorder is not as cheery and problem free as it might appear to those caught in the trenches of parenting young RAD, daydreaming of getting a break once their little RADs embrace adulthood and FINALLY move out. 

For our RADs...

RAD is still RAD. 

Our inhibited one, pretty much has dropped off the face of the planet and is living his "happily ever after" as the son his friend's parent's never had.  He, from time to time, becomes quite his older-half-bio-disinhibeted-RAD-sister's puppet.  When she's not pulling strings... he's completely uninvolved. 

The "disinhibited" one keeps pushing us away, yet keeps orchestrating stunts to involve us remotely through family she has disowned, but tries to triangulate against us. 

Many of our adoptees RAD symptoms appeared to lay dormant during the "ten beautiful years." 

The symptoms have awakened...
...and the "grown up" version is worse than we ever saw in when our RADs were little. 

So there's brain damage,
and typical symptoms of their particular brand of mental illness.
Please don't think for a minute RAD is stupid.  Academically, our RADs achieved numerous honors in their post-homeschool education.  Our RADs can easily memorize and regurgitate facts that have been presented to them. 

Where our "disinhibited" RADdaughter especially has difficulty is deducing cause and effect... understanding how her choices affect her circumstances. 

Our adoptees' illness, RAD, helps our adoptees manipulate situations so they always appear the victim. 

One might think, as masters of manipulation they'd easily recognize when they are being manipulated.  We've not found that to be the case. 

When it comes to endangering themselves... it seems the damaged cause and effect reasoning part of their brain frequently prevents them from seeing impending danger and "natural" consequences that follow their chosen actions.

Well... RAD orchestrated quite a whirlwind this past week. 

Or she was manipulated into it. 

She managed to be involved in quite possibly criminal activity surrounding a crisis that took her on a whirlwind trip from (less than 15 minutes from our current home) where she lives and works, to more than 1,000 miles away (smack-dab in the middle of where our extended family lives.) 

She invited some of the more gullible people in our family (interesting, they are the ones she despised most as she was growing up) to meet her for a social visit in the middle of this very shady whirlwind trip. 

Our bio-daughter warned the gullible family members to beware of appearing to be involved in the very shady, very dangerous exchange. 

I fully doubt our RAD daughter would have been tempted to fly in "as an emergency" be a part of a similar very shady and dangerous sounding "rescue" had it taken her 1,000 miles away from all our extended family. 

It's RAD. 

I  doubt our RAD daughter sees the shady/dangerous part of it all. 

It's RAD.  It's that damaged cause and effect reasoning part of the brain thing. 

I sincerely doubt our Reactive Attachment Disordered daughter would be a willing participant in what she fully UNDERSTANDS to be illegal activity. 

I believe even as skilled a manipulator she is, the damaged cause and effect reasoning part of her brain prevent her from being fully aware that others are manipulating her into very dangerous situations. 

There's the part of RAD that is "eager to please" strangers.  I've seen the masks they wear wanting to be all things to all people. 

It's as if they're screaming to the world...
"I'll do whatever you want me to as long as you love me... you see... my parents never loved me!"

There's different kinds of people out there in the big world...

...some that will hear RAD's cry and take them in and "shelter" them from the parents who have lovingly been present, seeking the best for their children, and enduring much at the hands of their disease...

...some that will see  RAD's vulnerability and exploit it as much as they can benefit from it...

... my favorite people are those who see through RAD's masks and encourage the RAD afflicted to seek healing, and seek restored relationships the parents who have only ever loved them.


As loving parents, we continue to pray for intervention... whatever it takes for our daughter to be safe and healed. 

Whatever it takes for her to be safe and healed. 

Whatever it takes.