So Tired I Hurt... With Waves of Awesomeness

I have the most amazing husband in the whole wide world!!!!

His only ambition for me today is to rest up... while he continues nose to the grindstone of his employment.

I went into this weekend overtired... but the good kind of overtired where you're exhausted from doing things you love.

My home-house-where-I-live-89%-of-the-year has had a revolving door filled with visitors whom I love arriving and departing... and I LOVE seeing them all!!!!!

The MOST AMAZING WEEKEND of the year happened smack dab in the middle of it all, and as all my beloved visitors have been making their reservations, I've informed them ANY dates are fine BUT nothing messes with MY weekend.

 I thanked my ETAAM housemate for smoking yesterday morning... because if she hadn't been out there we would have missed the magic of hot air balloon awesomeness wafting effortlessly above our Hollywooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Snowstorms and cancelled flights threatened to impose on MY weekend... but hubby who is THE original Superman assured everyone my disabled sister would be well cared for and arrive safely at her destination three days into the time we had allotted for MY weekend.

The delivery of items that were supposed to allow me one day earlier admittance into MY weekend ended up not being scheduled for delivery until 7pm the first official full-day of the weekend had me chasing brown down bright and early.

 I got a sneak peek at the early morning workings of how brown does what it does... it's a well oiled machine.  Superhubby assured me that IF I had been unsuccessful in chasing brown down, he'd gladly drop the booklets off whenever we needed them.

As I sit and ponder all this weekend has held... I'm tearfully (the joyfilled kind) overwhelmed with the fact I have such an amazing hubby...

I'm overwhelmed and verklempt from the memory vignettes of MY "moments" spent with THE MOST AMAZING MOMMAS IN THE WORLD!!!

HOLLYWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD 

Foster Care in the News

Huffington Post has a nifty article on traumatized foster kids overcoming great odds as a adolescents...

Cool article, I hoped to make an annonymous comment... not possible.  so I'll link the article here and the comment I intended to leave (but wouldn't have been able to even if I did register... because as usual, my comment is longer than 250 characters.)

Finding Hope After Trauma by Gary Stangler 

As an adoptive parent of a "special needs sibling group" adopted out of our state's foster system in 1994, I'm very grateful our adoptive children's adoption social worker had the foresight to "guarantee" psychiatric care until age 18 for all three!!!  I can't express how desperately psychiatric intervention for the three was needed "after 18!"

I'm not normally a fan of putting a video game in the hands of a child and calling them a "child" until they are 30, however ...in the case of mentally ill individuals (especially in the case of our "special needs sibling adoption group")  I 100% see the benefits of extending psychiatric care past 18 for "attachment disordered" adoptees!!!!!

"Over-18" is where our adoptees have had THE MOST difficulty! 

They have accomplished much... they still have so very far to go!  I remain hopeful!

The age-appropriate season of "detachment" as young-adults to begin to embark on their "adult lives" reawakened the abandonment issues and RAD behaviors in our adopted children that were troubling to see in young children, and horrifying to see as they became young adults.   

Our "overcame-so-much" Honor-Rolled college student who completed most of her AA degree as a dually enrolled high school student went for one semester out-of-state to college... then dropped out and returned home a completely different person!!!

The Reactive Attachment Disorder we believed she was healed of, was back in ways we never imagined possible.

Her adoption benefit of unlimited psychiatric care had "run out."  Our daughter was eligible for care through our family insurance plan as long as she remained a full-time student... but she had quit school.  We offered to pay for her psychiatric care but she refused.  She continued to spiral downward under the unethical "counsel" of an overzealous student of psychology, who encouraged her to call her "mom."  That lady who bought our daughter's affections with expensive gifts she could not afford (like a car) became "mom" to our 21 year old daughter.  Three years later in the eyes of our adopted daughter that "RAD typically triangulated" woman is still "mom" and I am not. 

I have since learned this behavior of early-traumatized adoptees adopting gullible new families when they are young adults phenomenon is quite common behavior for Attachment Disordered individuals who were adopted out of orphanages or the foster system.

We learned, in our neck of the woods anyway,  parental rights regarding psychiatric issues expire before a child reaches 18. 

... Our simultaneously spiraling-downward (unofficially diagnosed "inhibited form" RAD) at 2-months-to-18-year-old son was supposedly getting the psychiatric "help" we so very strongly encouraged him to participate in, but we as parents had no right, according to his counselor, to information on his progress or lack-thereof... "It's not like medical records... the laws are different... I'm not allowed..."  

Like his "officially diagnosed RAD" older sister, our son chose his own set of "new parents" as is common for legally-adult adoptees with  attachment disorders to do.   

As painful as it is to experience this rejection from children we have poured the very best of everything we have into... their "coping mechanism" kind of makes sense.    It is familiar to them... their "roots" have been pulverized.  I don't fully understand their behavior because my life's experiences are so drastically different than theirs.  My family has always been my family.  They joined my family.  They have been grafted in... they have access to my roots, but my roots have not always been their roots.  Their roots have never been my roots. 

They have experienced traumas I would never wish on anyone.  They are coping as best as they know how.

Our adopted children had lived separately as foster children were only "placed together, 'as a sibling group' for adoption" when their bio-mom was required to terminate her parental rights for issues of abuse/neglect/abandonment. 

The oldest I was told lived 8 years with one foster family...

The middle I was told had an estimated 17 different families...

The youngest was removed from bio-mom's "care" shortly after birth and bounced between 5 or six homes that I'm aware of before coming home to ours. 

The three children (placed with us at ages 2.5, 6, and 13) had come to us at an "interim" foster placement after a "failed special-needs-sibling-group adoptive placement."  They EACH had experienced numerous psychological (and other) traumas before ever being placed in our family. 

According to our children's social worker, this beautiful, symptomatically RAD initially-charming child never lasted more than 90 days in any one foster or adoptive placement. 

The social worker wanted "this" adoptive placement to work out.  We did too! 

I'm grateful to see the overcoming the impacts of difficult beginnings related to foster adoption story in the news. 

I'm eager for the world-at-large to learn about Reactive Attachment Disorder and how to best support the mental health of individuals who have experienced trauma during the most important years of brain development.  

I too have tremendous hope for our children who had overcome so much before we ever knew who they were, who have accomplished so much as young adults, and who STILL have a lonnnnng way to go!!!! 

Ain't Nobody A Better Mommy for My Baby Than Me!

I have always loved caring for children. 

I studied Early Child Development at a large university. 

Before I had children, I worked at a Day Care Center...  and I was so very grateful to have my first baby "come to work" with me! 

In caring for other people's children, I'd noticed a theme... I call it the "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Of course the bulk of children I'd cared for had all been very well cared for by loving/attentive parents who would strive to provide the very best for their precious children. 

I'd giggle quietly to myself as each mommy would explain in great detail precisely how her baby needed his butt wiped, his food cut, to be burped after every two ounces of formula.  One mommy was concerned her daughter was outgrowing all the beautiful baby dresses friends had given.  Mommy packed four beautiful brand new outfits a day and NEEDED me to change her princess into those outfits during the 8 hours she was in my care every day M-F.  I'd always heed mommy's advice... well, except I probably slacked on the 2-hour costume change request!  Ha ha!  That was over 30 years ago... the child very distinct name.  I just peeked at FB and she's out there... all grown up... but has privacy set so her profile picture is hidden.  I wonder if she has grown up to be the fashion diva her mommy wanted her to be.

Anyway... I noticed this "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in pretty much every parent I had encountered.  It's normal.  Some parents are more ferocious about that quality than others.  I'm not offended when I encounter it from the mom of a child I care for.    I've noticed the syndrome in myself.

When my then childless baby sister (2nd to youngest of 7 kids) began working daycare, she'd be quite devastated by the "critiques" of the mom's she'd encounter in the line of work.   "Do they realize how many diapers I've changed?  Don't they think I know what I'm doing?????!!!!!"  I'd encourage her to relax, it's not personal... it's "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Well years have passed, and Sis has been a mommy for almost 6 years now... and from time to time she shares frustrations about how her children's teacher's, babysitters, caregivers are FAILING her children by failing to heed her parental wisdom.  When that happens I get to talk my sis down memory lane about how she felt being criticized by parents experiencing "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... it's not personal, and if we want them to heed our advice, the less obnoxious we are in presenting "our advice" the more receptive our child's caregiver will be to oblige and think sweet thoughts about our little angels in their care. 

As I mentioned earlier MOST of the children in my care have only had nurturing, attentive, wonderful care. 

Back in Day Care days there were a couple of kids in sad situations.  Two with regularly drunken dads, and one child was one confirmed victim of repeated child-abuse by mommy's boyfriend.... social services was involved and would visit the school from time to time to update reports, or follow up on new claims.  During one visit to the school, I flat-out asked the social worker "how can you allow this child to keep returning home where he gets cigarette burns up and down all four of his limbs and gets bruises the size of his body?!!!!!!"  The social worker replied "we like to keep families together!  ... and it's not the mom who is hurting the child, it's the boyfriend."   ACK!!!!

Best case scenario is usually "Ain't nobody a better mommy for a baby than bio mom" ... in MOST cases.  

Sometimes intervention is needed. 

Two (almost three) of our children became ours because intervention was needed. 

I've heard a lot of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" advice from a lot of mommies over the years. 

The day our "foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" moved into our home the advice we got from "suddenly retiring after having our foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" foster parents was... "You won't need to spend a lot on groceries!  They don't eat much.  The girls ONLY eat mashed potatoes.  The boy ONLY drinks Orange Juice in a bottle." 

We didn't even try to follow that advice!  It did not seem nurturing, nor loving, nor wise.  Our family pediatrician said "no more juice, it's better for him to eat his fruit than drink it" and encouraged us to not feel guilty about withholding mashed potatoes... just keep on presenting "healthy options" they will eat. We did, and they did.  But oh, there was charm, and stubbornness, and triangulation, and testing. 

I recognized in myself the potential for "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... but this situation was different... my position was more... "justified."  

When the "helpful advice" was given, I hadn't yet been introduced to Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I felt justified in my "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... I was GLAD that foster couple had decided to "retire."   (I secretly wondered if they had been "forced" to retire.)   Certainly my brand new "babies" (ages 2.5, a week from 6, and 13) had OBVIOUSLY NOT been "nurtured" for the three months they were in that couple's care. 

Then we got to see the united front the three half-bio-siblings put up to "fight" us on their "dietary needs." Woah... it was hard to blame the old couple for not having the fortitude to maintain the battle. 

The retired couple wanted to visit.  We invited them to come.  First words out of "Mama L"'s mouth was how thin our son had gotten since they had cared for him.Her words blatantly oozed  "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me!"   In our care our son had grown into the "average" zone for height and weight.  If you read a touch of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in that sentence... good eye... 'cause it's there! 

I've tempered my judgment of our children's prior foster couple with understanding of how exactly "strong willed" our new kids were... combined with the knowledge that all moms tend to believe "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" ...even if "our babies" are only "ours" for a short period of time.  I know from working in schools it's tough to see "my kids" from "my classroom" move up to the next grade.  Caring for children... really caring for children... then letting them go, more than tugs at my heartstrings.  Even in classroom settings my hope has always been as I let go that the people that have "my" students next will be as caring, as nurturing, as I had been. 

Fast Forward 17.5 years post-adopting RAD. 

I understand RAD more and more as I view Parenting RAD through the rear-view mirror. 

Our Adult RAD kids have RADtypically triangulated gullible people to become their "new mommies and daddies."   Those people believe about our kids "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me."
Only the "babies" they claim have never been theirs. 

They blame us for our children's problems... Kinda like we blamed the retiring foster couple Mr and Mrs "Momma L" who had our kids three months before they moved into our home. 

Our "officially diagnosed" RAD had 17 foster families/failed adoption placements before she came home to us.  Her problems have nothing to do with  Mr and Mrs "Momma L."  Her problems have nothing to do with us. 

Our Adult RADkid's RADtypically triangulated rescuers don't understand... like we didn't understand... the problems our children have began loooooong before we ever knew them... and long before they spent three months with Mr and Mrs "Momma L."