"Fertilizer" Happens!

Years ago when the "sh!! happens" bumper stickers started popping up all over the place, I became convinced that NOTHING is wasted in God's economy... even sh!! is used for fertilization... and eventually makes good ground for growing. 

I wanted to market "Fertilizer Happens" bumper stickers. Still do!

Hubby and I were anxiously anticipating how "the holidays" would go... our first year "alone" and...

...we're having fun... which is awesome!!!

We do have micromoments of sadness for the choices our RADs continue to make... but we don't get to make their choices, they do... we are responsible for keeping our hearts tender and forgiving through it all... which at some moments is easier said than done... but well worth the efforts.

Here we are our 4th "Holiday Season" since RADs melted down.  4th holiday season of estrangement from them by their choice.  We can see so very much more clearly how God is using the "fertilizer" to grow us in His love and to bless us with friendships so much deeper than the "fair weather friend" variety.

This morning (New Year's Eve) as I'm counting my so many blessings, I'm blown away how God has used horrific circumstances to abundantly bless us!!!

I was remembering the story of Corrie Ten Boom being in Nazi concentration camps thanking God for infested unlivable conditions, and later seeing exactly how the unlivable conditions she had thanked God for was being used to bless them.    <=  Read it if you have time... get tissues.

All my "horrible moments" combined don't compare to what Corrie and her sister encountered in that passage alone.  Their God inspired hope in the midst of hopeless circumstances have certainly inspired me and countless others.

One nickname I have (from high school referring to a traumatic head injury) helps me to remember that it continues to be my prayer to praise God in ALL circumstances... because He is worthy.   When that nicknaming injury happened I literally fell down (from the weight of the blow) praising God.  I was a relatively "new" believer back then... and I continue to earnestly pray "Lord, WHATEVER happens, help me to be confident in Your promises that You love me, You intend to bless me, no weapon formed against me shall prosper, even what an enemy intends for my harm You will use to bless me... Lord, help me in the midst of traumas that knock me off my feet to fall down praising you!"

What a gift it is to be confident in God's love for me!!!!

If you are not YET confident that God loves you... my prayer is that as you read this, your heart would get a glimmer of the TREMENDOUS love the God of all has for you personally!!!! 

They Know... Struggle to Understand the Motive; Yet They Themselves Also Inflict the Pain of Abandonment

I was talking with one of my awesome Adoptive Mom friends... She also knows the "I love you" but won't see you phenomenon of the adult estranged adoptees.

She's pursing her estranged ones a little more actively than I have peace about doing with our estranged RADs.  (I don't for a second mean to imply either of us are wrong... I believe God's peace leads us along the best paths for our lives.)

I was trying to comfort her letting her know that these kids who have genuinely experienced abandonment have pains so deep that we, children who have had the loving presence of both parents for life, can merely imagine the depths of.

I don't remember her exact words, but... it was something along the lines of...

They know the pains of abandonment... they struggle to understand HOW anyone (specifically their bio-parents) could abandon someone (the child "given up") they are supposed to love... and yet that is exactly what our estranged kids are doing and they don't even see it!   They are abandoning the parents they are supposed to love, and YES, WE DO KNOW THE PAIN OF ABANDONMENT THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!   Just like THEY should never have been abandoned by their first parents... THEY should have never abandoned us the real parents that raised and love them.

Hmmmm... yes... we know the pain... I still believe their pain is deeper.   Young adults are supposed to embark on their adult life apart from their parents.   It would be beautiful if they were capable of maintaining loving ties to the parents who love them.  We each do have that healthy thriving relationship with our other child(ren).

Recently in the course of living I've had the opportunity to speak to a string of "estranged adult children" mostly "bio kids" each estranged for very different reasons.  So very sad.

Each estranged-from-parents adult either perpetual "loners" or with a long string of short relationships.

With several of these "coincidental" (?? doubt it!!!) recent encounters, I had the opportunity to express to each my husband's and my own yearning for reciprocally loving adult parent-child relationships with our estranged adult adoptees.  I've explained that we are eager to see them happily live the life they desire as adults, we just truly wish that their desired adult life could include a connection to us on some level.

Each estranged adult child (from early 30's to Senior Citizen) said they knew their parent's loved them, and confirmed that they loved their parents despite their own (in all but one situation) chosen estrangement.  

There's been quite a bit in the news lately about "strong relationships" and "close personal ties" and "close family relationships" being critical in determining a person's ability to "overcome" the various obstacles of life.

Here's an article from PLOS Medicine on Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review .

Meanwhile... we continue to pray the very best for the children we love. 

Nothing To Do With Anything Really... Except Fun and Awesomeness

Hubby and I saw THE COOLEST bird ever the other day....

I got home and checked my bird book to see if I could find the name of the critter...

Nope... not in that book anyway.

I've been spending wayyy too much time looking online trying to find the bird...

I''m thinking it's an "upright perching waterbird."  From the back it looked like it was perched like it was trying to dry it's wings a bit... and was tall and narrow yet so fluffy on the top as we passed its front.

It had the COOLEST elaborate FLUFFY tuft of feathers on its head(possibly winter plumage???) 

The bird was mostly black but had white polkadots along its wings... or across its belly.

Beak was kind of yellow-y orange. 

I know I've seen something like it before... It was soooooooo pretty!   I'm not sure if I saw it at a zoo or in a photo, maybe in a nat geo mag... but this was a random sighting right along a relatively quiet (for that time of day) road just as the sun was setting.  What a thrill to see it out in "the wild" ..."natural habitat" of our suburbia.

I'd not consider myself a "birder" but I do love to see gorgeous birds and my one and over the years the only bird book has gotten plenty of use as I've tried to identify the beauties that have caught my eye.

I do have a "birder" friend... she tells me our area gets a great deal of "misplaced by storms" rare sightings.

This year Christmas has brought some early presents... interesting theme on the early gifts... "fire and ice" hmmm....

Our oldest wanted to make sure we got to enjoy snow this year... She found an interesting way to make that happen...
 

 

Annnnd my hubby has gifted me with an outdoor chiminea style fireplace (and an arriving in a few weeks patio to enjoy it on) I'm so excited!!!!!  I've been lighting a big candle in it indoors to enjoy it while keeping us safe (and it clean) until patio is finished. 

On the "bummer" side of things my "awesome Orlando tiara wearing moms" keychain broke while I was doing holiday errands. 

On the still-awesome side of things...I still have the photo... ANNNND the memories....  ANNNND I'll see them again soon!!!!!!

The Gift of Giving... and the Most Extravagant Christmas

One day before the special needs sibling group of three children entered our home and doubled the size of our family, my husband was laid off from his job.  His boss had found out hubby's political views were different than his and that was the end of his employment there.  Hubby said in the exit interview, "You know I'm in the process of adopting three kids right?" 

His boss's reply... "Just tell them you can't take 'em!"

God carried us!

With double the family and far less than half the income, that first Christmas was lean... I wondered how we could "give" these kids anything more than a home and ourselves.

One day a few days before Christmas, our social worker showed up in a big station wagon filled to brimming with unwrapped brand new toys... she explained because it was a "foster-to-adopt" situation, she was able to get our kids some gifts the community had donated for foster kids... even though, as far as we were concerned, ... these kids were never foster kids in our home... they were "our family."

I thought we must be first on the list of deliveries, because, like I said... the station wagon was BRIMMING with toys.

I thought, wow... now the adoptees will have a gift, but our bio child will have none...

Let me just tell those who don't already know how very much it sucks as a parent to feel like you're unable to provide all you'd like to for the kids God has blessed you with.  Simply put, Dear Hubby and I felt like failures.  Our social worker encouraged us that despite hubby's recent unemployment, we were able to provide our children a safe, nurturing, loving home, and unaddicted parents... which is far more than their unemployed bio family was able to provide.   

Choked up, I thanked the social worker as she handed me a couple of gifts out of the car and I turned back toward the house.

The social worker asked, "Where are you going????"  Everything in this station wagon is for your family!!!!

I couldn't believe how very generous people had been!!!!!

It is SOOOOOO HUMBLING to be the receiver of such generosity!!!!

There were some duplicates of items... some things we already owned... those gifts provided us the opportunity to GIVE to others. 

"Giving" is my absolute favorite Christmas gift!

This morning's TV news "feel good" holiday stories of generosity reaching out to underprivileged people in the community brought me back to the year we had the most extravagant Christmas ever...

I still just can't thank people enough for being so generous!!!!  

Merry Christmas Y'all

Merry Christmas to all my friends (who read this... and even those who don't!)

And Happy New Year!!!!

We've been busy with my brother's family visiting... which is always so nice!!! His two are still so young, but growing quickly and we always have such fun seeing them and playing with them.  We were just at their house before Halloween.  After we left the little one was reported to have said repeatedly he "ONLY" loves me and my hubby.   Ha ha.  Nice to know some kids find us loveable! 

The two little ones were at first quite shy of our new puppy, but the older one warmed up quickly.  When we all met at a nearby amusement park, the little guy told us our dog was mean because he kept kissing him.  Awww... maybe next visit our puppy will be less kissy faced.

This is such a busy time.  I'm not missing Facebook at all.  I'm glad to have closed it!

During a Christmas party we saw a friend, grandmother to many little ones... I think she told me her latest count is 7.  She still has a little one at home herself.... her baby is 10 or 11 years old.  She asked how "things" were going with our estranged kids.  I told her the older of the two is transforming us into grandparents while estranged.  This friend told me quite emphatically I "NEED TO FIGHT" for my rights to see that grandchild!!!  That grandchild NEEDS her grandparents. 

We pray for our kids, and our newly developing granddaughter.  I will not "FIGHT' for my rights to see any of my grandkids.  Sorry.  It's not that they're not worth it.  It's not that they don't "need" our love.  It's that RAD is Mom... and Mom is RAD.  

The only fight I find worth fighting regarding our RADkids is on my knees. 

Meanwhile on the still-estranged-sonny-delight front, our oldest called and shared her frustration, she had reached out to give a heads up that Christmas greetings were on the way and found out from her estranged from us brother's wife that they had moved... and noone told her... and he's deployed... and didn't tell her.  I encouraged our oldest that in ANY relationship, where communication is less than she'd desire or where she'd like to be treated differently in any manner, it is perfectly appropriate to speak up and let her desires be known.  I told her she's not doing anyone any favors to secretly stew about how she's perceived mistreatment.  She asked how things worked in my siblings and my adult relationships.  I explained that all families are different.  It seems most often women are more likely to try and keep in touch.

With My siblings Mom has always been the central connection for address updates, deployments and various tidbits of interesting sibling activities.  We do connect on our own, but rely on hearing summaries of activities from Mom.  Naturally some siblings stay in contact more with some than others.  We also have a cool first cousin that started annual family address updates.  I really appreciate that labor of love.  It keeps us up-to-date on not only addresses, but birthdays, and children and pets and as they have come along grandchildren.

I explained to our oldest that non-communication from her estranged-from-us adopted brother and his wife is not necessarily a snub... and the best way to let anyone know what we'd like in any relationship is to speak up. 

Catching Up With an Old Friend

My hubby loves to fiddle with computers.  He considered making a business of it, but could never bring himself to charge much more than the part itself.  I encouraged him to do the work as a ministry to others... charging only for what he might need to lay out for a part he doesn't have.  He LOVES helping others... and he loves fiddling with computers... perfect match.

A friend I keep up with, sent a mutual friend I've not seen nor heard from in YEARS our way to see if DH could help solve computer woes.

The call came through me... and me and my friend from long ago got to "catch up."

This old friend knew me from "pre-adoption" days.   She knew me quite well through the "hoping to adopt soon" days.  We lost contact in the "gee adopting these kids requires so much more of my attention than I imagined, but I'm glad to give them what they need" stage.

In some ways it seems like only yesterday we were spending quality time together, in other ways it seems like ten lifetimes ago.  It was good to "catch up."

I noticed something as I was updating my friend on what's going on since we last spoke... my perspective of this ordeal is less focused on my pain.

 I kept emphasizing despite how very painful the RADtypical behaviors are for my husband daughter and me; we, the family scorned, we are certain our estranged adoptees must be hurting to extremes we simply can not imagine.