Out of the Blue She Brings Up Adoption

Can you believe there are friends who don't know we've adopted?  

Man.

For a while there it seemed the "common issues" of adopting traumatized children out of fostercare would forever be all consuming.

Life does go on.

I was chatting with a friend recently.

Innocently she brought up how a newly adopted child she knew was FLOURISHING in the new family... how she hoped the child appreciates all the sacrifices this kind hearted family has made to positively impact this young life pulled out of a dung heap.

I got misty-eyed.  Not at all a big ugly cry kind of thing.  Just misty.

My friend asked if I was okay.  Had she offended me?  If I ever need to talk... Etc.

I told her my heart breaks for that family.  I told her it turns out there's many adoption related issues that arise when children are adopted out of trauma. Yes, indeed the child's life has been positively impacted.  Yes the child needed to be taken out of the dung heap.  Yes indeed the new family's sacrifices are worthwhile and making a remarkably tremendous positive impact in the child's previously traumatic life... But unfortunately it's quite likely the child will grow up to despise the family that will lavish love health and healing in that child's direction for the rest of their days.

My friend looked at me with a puzzled expression.

You know we adopted a special needs sibling group... Right?  

She honestly had no idea.

I explained our adoptees' "special needs" are mostly psychological resulting from their traumatic origin.  All adults now.  All doing far better in adulthood than their family of origin... Well... All Except for one...   It's a long story.

Sorry, yes, I do agree the child is flourishing. That family is really blessing that child.

Powerball and Other Free Dreams

Happy New Year friends!

Dear Sweet Wonderful Hubby and I were treated by VERY generous family members and friends to an over-the-top extravagant Christmas-New Years celebration.  Wow.  "Car service" (read "limo") at our disposal to drive us around a city we had never before visited.  Keys to the Mercedes for whenever we wanted the driver to "bring the car around" so we could explore on our own. Decadent meals in fine restaurants, no reservations... holiday crowds... no problem, friends' connections got us right to the front of every line. And best of all quality time with people we love... Who love us back.  I'm still pinching myself... Back home, it all feels like a dream... the likes of which I'd NEVER aspired, but could very easily imagine myself getting used to.

Powerball fantasy has me dreaming of permanence of that amazing "lifestyle."  One of my BFFs was asking if we were in it to win it.  Together we shared fantasies of what instant wealth might provide.  In my heart I remember and "amen"...

Proverbs 30:8-9
Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only daily bread.  Otherwise I may have too much and disown You and say "Who is The Lord?" Or I may become poor and steal and so dishonor the name of my God.

Once home from our awesome trip I got a call from one of my dearest high school bffs.  We seldom get to talk 'cause she's in that SUPER busy stage of life with small children.

Together in HS she and I studied early childhood development together and were each assigned a twin to observe and write our reports about.  Back then we bet each other we'd have twins first.  We now joke that the race extends to the next generation.  Haha.

She was birthing her kids about the time we were adopting.  Fast forward a couple years and she's an adoptive mom too.  When you love kids, I suppose it predisposes you to adopt kids who need loving homes.

She ended up adopting a sibling group too.  Interesting story how she got them.  But it's her story to tell if/when she needs to.

She was expressing feelings of a lack of love toward the one with attachment disorder.  I told her to hold on.  I reminded her she does indeed love her daughter she's patient, kind keeping on, still trying still hoping still protecting...   Etc...

From 1Corinthians 13...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. 

I explained what is frequently missing in relationships with attachment disordered kids is the warm fuzzy feelings that accompany "reciprocated love."

I encouraged her to keep on keeping on despite a lack of reciprocation my friend is making a positive difference despite the child's inability to "appreciate" all the hard work that goes into loving a child adopted from life's hard places.  She doesn't have it in her account to give back.   Something broke big in our attachment disordered kids long before we ever met them.  It's not their fault, it's not ours either.  

Keep on loving... 

Love doesn't mean we have to fake warm fuzzies that don't exist.   When children we love hurt and hate us on a regular basis the feelings of warm-fuzzies aren't there.   

How Many Parents Will the Grandkids Have?

I appears the plight of the Attachment Disordered child who has had many sets of parents in their young life is there is often a cycle that repeats itself in future generations when healing halts regresses or fails . 

I may have previously shared my philosophy that performing offensive actions we have failed to forgive may just be part of a Divine plan to ultimately promote forgiveness.  

Forgiveness is essential. 

Allowing the offended the opportunity to experience things from the perspective of the offender grants us insights that might have otherwise gone unseen.  It seems to me the less we understand the harder it might be to extend forgiveness... The more perspective we gain helps us to more readily excuse less than stellar actions from others that have in-likeness hurt us. 

"Officially dx'd RAD" adoptee had been on again off again with a guy whose kid is our young granddaughter's age.  As both girls were learning to talk, each kid would (out of respect?) call the other's parent "mom" or "dad." 

Grandbaby-daddy makes kids he won't support with whomever will participate.  RAD thinking's solution is support baby-daddy (who won't work on the books because then other baby mommas might make their claim against his money). Our daughter puts her child in his "care" so she can earn money "on the books" while he openly beds down with whomever is willing in front of the child.  Our daughter had expressed concern if "something happens" while Ho of the moment is drugging, our daughter may lose custody of that child because she ultimately keeps endangering the child by leaving her in such dangerous circumstances.  RAD thinking justifies this endangerment because keeping reckless baby daddy actively involved in the child's life will keep her daughter from  experiencing the heartaches our daughter herself experienced as a child who eventually ended up with us as her 19th set of parents at age six... 

Right?   

One of the most consistent evidences of how RAD has affected our daughter for as long as we've known her is poor cause-and-effect reasoning skills.

It's not that she never "gets it" usually she will... eventually... 

Her counselor would frequently express how imperative it is that for our daughter's mental health we allow her to experience "natural consequences" of her poor choices.  It will help heal her brain. 

It's hard to sit by allowing our adopted children to hurt their own children the way their parents hurt them.  

I titled this post with a question I ponder...

How many parents will our grandchildren have?  

I know a huge part of our adoptees psychological  issues is the fact they have had so many mommies and daddies before us...

I know baby daddy is a womanizer.  Ugh.  Women can be such suckers for a man with a baby!  I'd not be surprised for a moment if playa-baby-daddy woos whomever he's currently "entertaining" by having our grandchild call each next gullible woman "mommy."

I'm willing to bet our daughter might be a little more discretionary in whom she encourages her daughter to call daddy...  What her standard for how many days or what milestones  must pass before each boyfriend becomes the next "daddy" I honestly don't know... 

Point is I'd not be surprised if our granddaughter, like her mother, will by adulthood, have many "daddies and mommies" as mom follows attachment disorder's path through numerous relationships.   Oh how we pray that would not be the case!

I also wonder how our grandchildren raised by those inflicted with Attachment Disorder will define their "real" family as they enter adulthood having entertained their bio-parents' assorted romantic interests and assorted parental substitutes each as additional mommies and daddies.  

So much to cover in prayer. Ahhh the privilege of "really" being mom and dad!

Hubby and I continue to pray our adoptees will take the difficult steps to find healing, stop manipulating, and allow themselves to experience truly loving relationships for their own sakes and for the sake of their children.

Just Giving Them the Love You Don't

Can you not see, that with your good intentions, you are actually hurting our children?!

Ninteen Sets of Parents... And Counting...

Her social worker estimated our newest daughter moved about every three months... from age twenty-one months... until she was placed in our home at about a week or two from age six.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is what her Psychologist diagnosed...
...Before anything was published for parents,
...Before DSMV offered to more-specifically define "RAD."

It made sense.  ANY child, even one who hadn't been pickled in the womb... hadn't been raised in "that environment" for almost the first two years... BUT  might "ONLY"  have been moved from one ONLY-LOVING home to another... every three months.... from 21 months... would certainly have "issues." 

It's not her fault.  

It's not ours either.  

We're the 19th set of parents... and counting.

I'd love to say we're the last.

We're learning her ongoing behavior is quite typical for adults who had multiple caregivers in early childhood. 

She's an adult now.  She's serving society in a respectable career on "the other side of" her family of origin's income generating efforts.

We're confident we impacted her life positively.

She still, understandably, has "issues."

Prickly as a cactus... we continue to love her as much as she will allow.

It seems loving this child and her half-biological sibling group that were placed together with us for adoption requires (of course) that we honor their journey.

Their experiences are nothing like our experiences of origin.

Our family has always been "ours."

We naively believed The Forever Family Social Experiment's promise... they'd belong to "ours" forever.

That promise never acknowledged our newest children's reality.

Yes... Legally we're their parents.  Yes.  We LEGALLY gave them our name.  Yes, We went into this all-in.  Our hearts have been and continue to be committed.   Yes, we had "family expectations" based on our own knowledge of what family is. 

But their reality is...

Who the social experiment defined as their latest "Real Family" kept changing.... 18 times before us... and Who they choose to define as their "Real Family" will continue to change God knows how many times after us.

At 21 She played Babe-ette to her initial drama triangulating "savior" Momma-ette and Dadda-ette...  until that particular paradise failed... as the overzealous-savior-mom-internet-psychology-student moved into an ethics-less internship under the woman who used to foster our adoptee's half-bio sister for eight years...  together the two mental health "professional" wannabees betrayed our daughter regularly until she got disgusted and moved on to the next set people she'd define as her "real-family."


Six years since what I call our adoptee's "RAD-typical" Conjoined meltdown.... Six years of mostly estrangement... with mini-bursts of masked connection from the "officially diagnosed" one... In perfect line with the diagnosis given to her at age 7...

Radtypically, Our adoptees continue to follow their own hearts and minds to find the family that is presently "most-real" to them.

Our "officially diagnosed"Daughter is radtypically currently playing daughter/sister to a mother/daughter duo who due to drug addiction were separated for many years.  Familiar.  Manipulative on all sides. Perfect for now.  I imagine their dynamic must draw her because they "understand" her reality. 

Sonny-delight continues to pretend our former friends are his "real family"... (He was removed at birth and was estimated to have about 9 or 10 sets of parents before the special needs sibling group was placed with us when he was about 2.5 years old.)

Well meaning Christian people believe they are serving JESUS to play rescuer/savior to our adoptees... yet in all their efforts to SAVE our children they reject any possibility their own meddling and pretending to be "THE FAMILY OUR CHILDREN NEVER HAD" is actually harming these adult-children who bear our name... these grown children we carry in our hearts. 

When we address these of the most stout servitude, explaining how their "help" serves to divide our family... explaining...

Instead of Playing Savior... 

...they should be Praying to The Savior! 

 When we bare our hearts to these assorted, well intentioned family members and "Christian" friends.... explaining how hurtful their "rescuing" behaviors are to our family as a whole... What they seem to hear is "Never talk to our children!"  They are so deceived.  

 

Adoption... Life Goes On

For what feels like several months, I believe I've finally reached the stage (post-conjoined meltdown RAD attack against us) where life is going on... pleasantly... and I don't feel the need to blurt adoption stuff to everyone who will listen.

HALLELUIAH!!!!

The nature of my line of work is I can work for months and months without running into a familiar face.

Recently I was working with a new-to-me person... and work was slow.... so before our first official break, we had LOTS of very pleasant "chit chat" opportunities discussing a myriad of various topics... none of them anywhere near adoption.

On our first "official" break... a familiar face approached (an adoptive mom who seemed in the past to blow off our parenting RAD adoptees experiences as irrelevant, uncommon, certainly nowhere near HER perfectly wonderful adoption x3 experiences.)  She had-in-hand an article that addressed the only difficulty she had ever before acknowledged  that she had encountered in adoption... expense.

With fresh beverages, the three of us sat in our break area... chatting.  This adoptive mom was very excited to have this published article explaining the financial difficulties that adoptive families overcome.  She was eager for me to read it right then, right there, on my break.  I didn't want to read it during my break but I promised I'd look it up online.  I told her she might be interested to know our estranged daughter has made contact... wants us to be involved our grandchild's life.

I was surprised when this formerly unsupportive woman replied "Be careful, it's a good start, but it will be a long journey before it's all better."  (Wow... I wondered what has transpired in her life to have inspired a more empathetic response to our adoption experience!)

This other Adoptive mom asked if our estranged pregnant daughter had gotten married?

I explained no, this was her first child, his fourth child.... then followed with "...it appears her inability to be in a reciprocally loving relationship has led her to a man with a history of not staying committed."

Insert several repeated "fake coughs" from our silent-in-this-conversation-until-now new-co-worker... followed by an awkwardly proclaimed "I'm adopted."

She went on to explain how she never-ever felt like she belonged to, nor was loved by her adoptive family.

I looked her in the eyes, and let her know she is not alone in her experience... and I could not speak to her family situation, because I knew nothing of it, but I wanted to let her know my husband's and my thoughts and prayers for ALL our children... and the SINCERE AND DEEPLY FELT LOVE we have for ALL our children... and how it breaks our hearts that our adopted kids have so much pain  ...that their pain is not their fault... but it's not ours either...

I also talked about books that I've read that address how significant genetic mirroring is... and that adoptees' "not belonging" feeling could be largely based on the "taboo-in-our-society" reality that genetically an adoptee doesn't typically "mirror" anyone in their adoptive family.

In adoptive circles it seems so "taboo" to discuss openly OBVIOUS differences.  It seems to be far more Politically Correct to pretend that there are no differences whatsoever between adoptee and adoptive parents. 

As my new friend discussed how she always had this feeling she didn't belong... I discussed our culture... and how timid we are to discuss openly the obvious under Political Correctness and "Manners."  

I suggested that perhaps the "I don't belong" feeling was not a failure of her adoptive parents to love her... but maybe instead a realization to the core that none of her genetic features that reflected herself back in the mirror were reflected in any of her adoptive family members.  The fact that it's seldom, if ever discussed... made to be "no big deal... we have love" might have been exactly what has been screaming at her that she "doesn't belong... never belonged."

My new friend and I talked quite a bit about the adoption thing... She shared with me what it was like with her first bio child... how that re-awakened the abandonment issues... and the "how could they leave me?" question.

On the flip side of our adoptees "conjoined meltdown" with all the knowledge I've acquired while trying to understand what has been driving their hate toward us... I keep wishing to go back in time and prepare my kids for that which "is common to those adopted out of foster care, or orphanages."

Knowing I can't go back... it is my hope to reach forward... to impact positively families traveling parallel paths of adoption out of Early Trauma. 

Meanwhile... in my "seldom see the same face twice" line of work... it appears 80%-90% of the people I'm encountering long enough to have conversations with lately are part of adoptive families...

...and for the last several months... I've not been the one bringing up adoption.

It appears my footsteps are ordained.  

The Gift of Giving... and the Most Extravagant Christmas

One day before the special needs sibling group of three children entered our home and doubled the size of our family, my husband was laid off from his job.  His boss had found out hubby's political views were different than his and that was the end of his employment there.  Hubby said in the exit interview, "You know I'm in the process of adopting three kids right?" 

His boss's reply... "Just tell them you can't take 'em!"

God carried us!

With double the family and far less than half the income, that first Christmas was lean... I wondered how we could "give" these kids anything more than a home and ourselves.

One day a few days before Christmas, our social worker showed up in a big station wagon filled to brimming with unwrapped brand new toys... she explained because it was a "foster-to-adopt" situation, she was able to get our kids some gifts the community had donated for foster kids... even though, as far as we were concerned, ... these kids were never foster kids in our home... they were "our family."

I thought we must be first on the list of deliveries, because, like I said... the station wagon was BRIMMING with toys.

I thought, wow... now the adoptees will have a gift, but our bio child will have none...

Let me just tell those who don't already know how very much it sucks as a parent to feel like you're unable to provide all you'd like to for the kids God has blessed you with.  Simply put, Dear Hubby and I felt like failures.  Our social worker encouraged us that despite hubby's recent unemployment, we were able to provide our children a safe, nurturing, loving home, and unaddicted parents... which is far more than their unemployed bio family was able to provide.   

Choked up, I thanked the social worker as she handed me a couple of gifts out of the car and I turned back toward the house.

The social worker asked, "Where are you going????"  Everything in this station wagon is for your family!!!!

I couldn't believe how very generous people had been!!!!!

It is SOOOOOO HUMBLING to be the receiver of such generosity!!!!

There were some duplicates of items... some things we already owned... those gifts provided us the opportunity to GIVE to others. 

"Giving" is my absolute favorite Christmas gift!

This morning's TV news "feel good" holiday stories of generosity reaching out to underprivileged people in the community brought me back to the year we had the most extravagant Christmas ever...

I still just can't thank people enough for being so generous!!!!  

Our New Bundle of Joy!

We've adopted again. 

We'd planned to do so after we had gotten some travel out of the way... We wanted to be "fully present" for our new addition... "when the time comes." 

We've got a little fluffy puppy... he is ADORABLE!!!!    We've given him the same name our daughter had chosen for the first teddybear she'd ever really named all by herself.

It is an adorable and cutesy name... he is an adorable and cutesy pup.  He is guessed to be a small mixed breed. 

He's estimated to be about 4 months old.  He can already "fetch" and "sit" on command.  Smart puppy!!!

I wonder if he's older.  The "pros" decided his age by his teeth... because he was abandoned with his (already adopted-out) sibling.

It's nice to have the happy pitter-patter of happy little feet around the house!

I'm a tad freaked... 'cause if this guy lives as old as our other small dog... (20) That would put me close to 70 when he could potentially "cross the rainbow bridge."  Yikes.  I have no problem with me being about half a century... no problem with that at all... No problem with the "snow on my roof" but the thought of how quickly the 20 years with our last sweet pup flew by... yikes!!!!!!

I have a feeling I  should buckle up!!!!  It's already been a heck of a ride!!!!  

Take Heart Adoptive Parents!

Take heart betrayed parents who have poured your lives and your love into the lives of these needy children. Your child's behaviors against you is not personal (even though it feels VERY personal!!!) it is mental illness. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that. Early Trauma affects how the brain develops!

Young adult adoptees "Leaving with a bang" usually by RADtypically triangulating their adoptive parents against whomever is gullible enough to believe their symptomatic Attachment Disordered "deceptive charm" is such a common thing for young adult adoptees to do during the season where it is biologically-age-appropriate for them and their peers to begin embarking into their "adult" lives! I've met so many adoptive families where their (18ish year old) adoptees have not moved out into their own place, have not moved in with peers... instead move in with their "friends" mommies and daddies and start calling them their "new parents" as they pretend for their easily manipulated "rescuers" to have lived lives of abuse in their loving attentive adoptive families. It's almost like these families are experiencing our parallel universe!

I want to encourage you to keep seeking the support of other adoptive parents (In real life... and on the internet!!!!) It is difficult to openly share all the trauma/drama parenting our attachment disordered children has brought into our lives. Some of the "private" or "closed" groups have more detailed support for every level of parenting kids of all ages with RAD diagnosis.

I don't at all mind private messages from parents who are experiencing a similar hell on earth! There really is genuine comfort in knowing we are not alone in loving our children who behave the way they do because they had been through brain altering traumas often starting with inutero exposure to illegal drugs and alcohol, as well as a flood of biomom's stress hormones throughout their prenatal development... combine that with whatever the traumas were that eventually separated them from their birth family... orphancare whether bouncing through the foster system, or rotating staff at actual orphanages... all this long before they ever entered our homes and joined our families.

I've noticed most people understand when there is an explosive teen/young-adult triangulating against a "step" parent... Yet I'm amazed how few people think the "issues" would not NATURALLY be exponentially multiplied when "neither parent" is the biological one.

I have also been amazed to see how much strife comes from members of "pro-life" affiliations who have not themselves adopted. I'm talking churches. I've learned that not everyone who stands under a banner... attends services... serves, "ministers" etc etc etc... not everyone in those positions has enough light of the Lord within them to shine light and love and wholeness and healing toward adoptive families. Instead it appears it is their delight to sow strife... foster rebellion... and create a hostile environment between us and our children. They are the ones whose "prayer circles" are gossip central. They chew up our kids stability as they satisfy their unholy appetites entertained by the drama surrounding our children's mental illness. These people, believe they are "serving God" as they walk out their desire to play savior instead of praying to the Savior.  They get a sick thrill out of attacking our families and patting themselves on the back for the "good work" they're doing. These who believe they are standing under the Cross have been the unkindest of all. If only they would put their efforts to making a positive difference in the lives of orphaned children instead of meddling in our families.  Have they adopted children born addicted... yeah no... didn't think so. 

My hubby and I are grateful there is MUCH encouragement for us in the Bible... and we are grateful for the remnant of those who REALLY know the Lord... and are CAPABLE and successful in shining His light and love. We are grateful for those who hear of our "situation" and speak of it to God asking for healing for our adoptees for healing of the hurts that started long before we ever met them... and for healing of our family of all the pain parenting children adopted out of trauma continues to bring to our lives.

Adoption in the Media

Has anyone seen the recent Gene Simmon's Family Jewels adoption episodes? 

The family struggled through a series of episodes with the decision of whether to adopt or not. 

I think most adoptive parents expect adoptees to EVENTUALLY become reciprocally loving members of a loving family unit.

As abused as we continue to be in our relationship with our adoptees, I would love to see media present adoption in a realistic light. 

YES these kids need families. 

YES these kids need homes. 

YES it is a HUGE commitment (not only to 18... but a life long commitment to the concept of "forever "family")

YES it is a BIG decision... and YES the whole family should be on-board.  (I'm grateful this tremendous decision was not broadcast as the theme of one half-hour broadcast within the series)

I'm grateful that Shannon is committed to make a difference in the lives of kids who need help. 

I would love for the world to become aware of the "issues common to adopted individuals."  Specifically Attachment issues... the effects of stress/trauma/drug-alcohol exposure to the young developing mind... Reactive Attachment Disorder.  

I would have loved for the Tweed-Simmons' counselor to have explained how an adoptive relationship is different... the "issues" the dangers... the fact that reciprocal love is not always available from children who have been exposed to early traumas.... regardless of how nurturing and maternally gifted a mother might be.

You Are Not Alone

The last three months there has been a LOT of potentially emotional stuff (Loss-related anniversaries, birthdays etc etc etc) I had one especially sad day smack-dab between our estranged son's birthday and my what would have been my parents' 50th wedding anniversary ... and aside from that I'd say I'm doing VERY well.  (Thank God!!!!)

I've noticed as my anxiety has decreased markedly... more memories have been surfacing... more evidences of exactly how unwell our children were just before their conjoined meltdown.  

I'm not overwhelmed by it... It is with a calm knowing they are... and have been very ill.  Our adopted children are behaving EXACTLY as the symptoms list of their mental illness describes they might.

I realize with a little help from my RADparenting friends it is not personal.

I'm so very grateful for the various communities of Parenting RAD that let me know on so very many different levels I am not alone in my experiences. 

I've been singing this song...
There has been a LOT of potentially emotional stuff (Loss-related anniversaries, birthdays etc etc etc)I had one really sad day... and aside from that I'd say I'm doing VERY well. (Thank God!!!!)

I've notices as my anxiety has decreased markedly... memories have been surfacing... I've been remembering more very specific evidences (seen and understood more clearly via the miracle of hindsight) that keep exactly how unwell our children were just before their conjoined meltdown.

I'm not overwhelmed by it... It is with a calm knowing they are... and have been very ill. It is not personal.

I'm so very grateful for the various communities of Parenting RAD that let me know on so very many different levels I am not alone in my experiences.

I've been singing this song...



www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwONvf6k_-Y


I'm grateful to know I'm not alone... I'm grateful the Lord is with me... and I'm especially grateful God has connected me with other parents who love their RAD kids, despite having been beaten and battered by their beloved children's illness. 

Together we're trying to figure out what's best for our RADkids, our nonRADs and ourselves. 

"Forever Family"

Once upon a time my husband and I dreamed of adoption... all my adoption related dreams were all so-very-happy.

My husband and I were thrilled when our adoption dreams came true!  Sure!!! The early years were difficult!!!  There was a diagnosis in 1995 for our brand new daughter... "Reactive Attachment Disorder with Hypervigilance."  (16 years later and I still almost never find others using the specific wording our 6 year old's psychiatrist MD used to label our new daughter's mental illness...) 
The first three years were CHALLENGING to say the very least, but we were young and so-very-optimistic... and things in our family... in our home became so very beautiful!!!

We had a minimum of 10 beautiful years before the most severe living nightmares began... 

These days I go to sleep... 

I have nightmares 

about our once-upon-a-time

"dream children"...

I wake up... 

the real-life nightmares continues. 

I had nightmares again last night... all dream-sequence-absurdities that so very clearly sum up the real-life nightmare we have been living in the years since our RAD's started approaching "legal adulthood." 

I grieve... such tremendous grief!!!

It is so absurd... because...

I am grieving the living!!!!

I buried the ONLY earthly father I have ever had this year.

.

The ONLY  mother I have ever had is now his widow.

 .

Both are my biological parents.

.

My six biological siblings and I were raised by both of them, together.

.

 Had Dad lived a few more months...

Mom and Dad would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this month. 

                                                           

Dad and I have always had a reciprocal loving relationship.

What a wonderful thing it is 

to be confident in love! 

Dad and I 
have always been 
part of 
a    REAL  
"Forever Family."

In Dad's "last years" our bio-daughter frequently commented with admiration how my Dad was loved and respected by MANY ...and looked up to as a "father figure" to so many fatherless individuals.

 ***

Certainly there is pain and grief regarding loss of my beloved "Daddio" here on earth!

                                                           

Yet,

the pain related to my father's death

is not nearly as 

deep
and as  

cutting

as the depth

of  

pain

and  

grief

related to our adult RADs' "RAD-typical" rejection of us.

"They" 

(adoption promoters) 

PROMISED us 

and our "new" kids that

we would be  

"Forever Family."

My definition of "Family" is directly related to my experiences.  

My kids draw their definition of  "Family" from their experiences. 

I believe one of our biggest problems

in our relationship with our adult adoptees is  

we've had different experiences.

I can't imagine going through life without the foundation of my Mom ALWAYS being my Mom... and my Dad ALWAYS being my Dad. 

I never had my parent's friends... "friends of the family" attempt at ANY LEVEL to "save me" from my biological parents... not from the chores they assigned, nor from the loving and healthy rules they had established for me.  No couple ever offered to become my "new mommy and daddy" once I was over 18.  (not before I was 18 either... not ever!)

We prayerfully hope one-day our RADaffected adoptees will be able to have loving reciprocal relationships.

And while we wait... 

my husband, bio-daughter, and I 

remain heartsick!!!!!!!!!!!!

 .

.

.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
      But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."

-Proverbs 13:12

Life After RAD Moves out

RAD Has Left the Building.

We are here.   My beloved and I.  We were in love long before RAD entered our lives.  We are in love still.  We are an awesome team.  

Kids are supposed to grow up and move out. It can be hard for parents of "neurotypical" kids when they're left with an empty nest.

I was "warned" at a homeschool convention years ago... not to loose sight of me.  Not to become sooooo wrapped up  in "being mommy" that when the kids leave (like they're SUPPOSED to) that I'd need to find me again.

I was encouraged to keep up working on  hobbies and interests, keep on working on my relationship with the one I pledged to love long after the kids would grow and move out. 

Now I have plenty of time... and yet I feel like each day rushes to its end.

I find the computer, facebook specifically had been swallowing me whole... I'm purposefully backing away... it's nothing personal. 

I want to jump back in non-cyber-life. 

I'm gonna make a list of things I'd LOVE to do if I had time"

... 'cause I DO HAVE time... 

and I'm tired of donating it to the FB.

What's on your "list" of awesomeness?  Try and make a little time for it this week.  Make a date with yourself.  Make a date with your beloved.

Don't neglect to feed the parts of you that were created to THRIVE long after the wee ones are grown!!!!!!!

Roots

I come from a long line of family...

My family has always been my family.  No one has ever threatened to take my family from me.  Ever.

(until RAD grew up.)

When my husband and I adopted, I based my future expectations about our adoptive family on my past history of what family is, what family has always been to-me- from-my-perspective.   

It makes total and complete sense, right?

Biologically, my extended family "roots" extend into other countries. 

I am first generation American on Mom's side,

                                           second generation American on Dad's side. 

I have "extended family" across borders, some I've met numerous times, some that I've never met.  I am always thrilled to get to hear about "family relations" through "closer" relatives who meet-in-real-life or correspond for whatever reasons. 

Our bio daughter has had the recent opportunity to meet relatives from "across the pond."  She was stating how fascinating it is that "there is something to the biological factor."  She commented how many extended family members she's met as adults are so similar in so many more ways than appearance!!!!!

I have family.  I come from family.  Biologically I remain connected.

Very well connected. 

Distance/time/space does not... never has... never will sever my biological roots.

My biological family roots run deep, and they remain intact. 

When we adopted, I expected  my new adoptive "family experience" to follow the "family experience" of my roots.

Well... I wasn't blind to the fact there'd be "some issues" 

...but I really expected love and acceptance to heal all wounds.

Our adopted daughter is estimated (by adoption social worker) to have had approximately 17 foster families between age 2ish to 6ish when we joyously added her bio-half-brother  to our "Forever Family." 
My reality 
of what family is, 
                    what roots are,

is TOTALLY different

than my adopted daughter's 

perspective.  

That makes sense! 

And it makes sense 

that my adopted children 

ALSO carried into our "forever family" 

a set of expectations 

(based on THEIR experiences)

 quite different from my own. 

It makes sense that my definition of "forever" could be so-very-different than theirs.   

I don't know

how many

of her families

before us

  "promised "  

forever. 

I really knew our new family members had roots too.   I realized they had been chopped up, pulverized, discarded as trash roots.   I KNEW it ... and I tried to deal with it...as best I can... but really, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

I guess in the end I still kind of "expect" them to "adopt" MY perception of "FOREVER" and "FAMILY."  I expect them to acknowledge their roots are pulverized discarded, but I STILL expect them to ADOPT MY ROOTS.

...after all...

Their roots were discarded; 

                                   not by me nor "us" nor "them."  

Their roots were discarded systematically by "the system." 

ANYWAY...


I had my "realistic experience-based expectations"

 and my kids have their "realistic experience-based expectations."

  I am,                          

and                      

               am not        

                                                  talking genetics.  

Our adopted kids ARE our family... in many ways... but the dna of their core is different. That matters.

Graft a pear branch into an apple tree and that branch may live and eventually become productive, but that branch will never produce APPLES. 

I in NO WAY intend to infer superiority or inferiority.  It's just different.  That's all.  It needs to be recognized.

Our kids were grafted into our family.
With the help of their RADtringulated "rescuers" the graft has been torn out, and our tree is bleeding.  

("sappy" reference i know... ar ar ar...  lol) 

There is certain vulnerability in letting our family tree's gaping wound stand open, hoping with hopes our kids will "some day" return.  Truth is we're gonna hurt no-matter-what even if we do eventually bind up the wound and try to move on.

Truth is, our adopted kids are hurting too.  
They've been hurting the whole time.  
Despite the fact with us they grew and bore much fruit. 


Their illness did not lash out at us intending to hurt us, their illness is just trying to protect them from the pain they have always had.

From our deeply rooted family perspective,

adoption for us has been mostly a happy 

and exciting journey... 

for them it has been 

a journey of multiple injuries 

and much loss. 

The fact remains their "roots" were tossed aside as trash.  That has understandably caused them (and consequently us) tremendous pain. 

Both our adult RADs have been trying to soothe their wounds by "as adults" grafting themselves into other families. Forsaking us and calling their peer's parents their "new" mommies and daddies.

Yeah, I see quite clearly how that's not gonna work.
Not long term anyway. 
But
I really can't blame them
for trying everything they can
to make their intense pain stop. 
I would love it
if their remedy of choice
didn't involve attacking us..
 
The reality is our adult adopted kids are hurting... not because of us, just because. 

  

I can't blame them for trying to feel better.  

I hope one day... 
when they think back to OUR family tree...
they will remember how they were welcomed, 
how they were nourished and nurtured, 
how they are loved, 
how they grew strong and healthy in our midst.  

I pray one day 

they will be strong enough

to surround themselves 

with people who will LOVE them 

ENOUGH to affirm our love to them. 

Adoption Chewed Us Up Then Spit Us Out!

Yet we remain HUGE  fans!

My husband and I consider it our honor and privilege to be parents!  

We have been blessed with Three children.

Two through the miracle of adoption

One through the miracle of birth.        

                                         

While my husband and I were dating, 

long before we ever talked marriage, 

we talked adoption.  

Adoption was a heart's desire 

divinely placed deep within both of us. 

 

When our bio-daughter was born, 

we raised her preparing her 

to welcome the siblings 

we'd "some day" adopt. 

When she was 8 years old

we realized the dream.  

She was thrilled... 

she still is.

  She loves her siblings 

even though

their RADtypical behaviors 

continue to hurt us all deeply.

We LOVE our adoptees...

...we HATE the fact that RAD rages against our love for our adoptees.       

This year
my husband and I
celebrate 28 years

of wedded bliss.

This year our family 

celebrates 

"sweet 16" 

years of adoption.

All our children 

are legally adults.

 Adoption-wise

the last two years

have been 

FAR from sweet.

They have been

pretty much

textbook RAD.

Things had gotten SO good during the "Ten Beautiful Years" we actually thought RAD was outgrown.  Gone forever.  A faded memory.  Faded so much, in fact, I actually needed to be reminded!

To those of you currently in the trenches parenting RAD
battling DAILY for your child's mental health...
Can you imagine?  The LIVING HELL of RAGING RAD being SO faded a memory that someone outside your home has to remind you how bad it once was?  

That's where I was, almost two years ago
DAZED AND DEVASTATED
after our young-adult-adoptees attacked us during a
 a conjoined meltdown 
the likes of which we would have NEVER imagined possible...
EVER.   
My brother lovingly, gently reminded me;
"Do you remember how troubled they were when they were first placed?"
Yes.  
I remembered!
"Reactive Attachment Disorder with Hypervigilance" is the diagnosis our daughter's psychiatrist gave.


Almost 15 years later,
after "Ten Beautiful Years" where we were pretty convinced RAD was "healed hallelujah" to the point we kinda had forgotten the diagnosis was given...

We were shocked to hear from EVERY professional we consulted that  our adoptees' behavior as young adults was COMMON.  

Young adult adoptees

frequently attack 

their loving parents 

as they embark 

into their "adult" lives.    

 The experts "see it all the time!"

Why didn't ANYONE warn us?

If they had, would we have listened?

Can our pain help others?

 Halleluiah!  

NOTHING is wasted in God's economy!!!  

 God even designed it so  POOP can be fertlizer...

...AND...

fertilizer makes good grounds for growing!

Right?!!!

 I'd like to make a bumper sticker that says; 

"Fertilizer Happens!"

My hope is for this blog to share what "worked" during our "Ten Beautiful Years" and what we might have done differently if we had known more about RAD than what we-ourselves-reported as "bizarre behavior" to our child's psychiatric team 16* years ago.
*Back when the RAD diagnosis was given to our adoptee 
it was not explained to us.  
At that time NOTHING was published for parents about RAD.
(and IF  "searching the internet" existed back then, we certainly didn't have the tools to do so!)

I'm soooooo thankful there is so much published and available for parents regarding their adopted children's serious mental health condition now! 

Covered in fertilizer 

I remain grateful... 

...RAD is making the news! 

...Some WONDERFUL counselors know AND/OR are willing to learn how to BEST support RADkids 

by supporting the adoptive family as a whole!!!

... there are so many brave parents committed to loving their children enough to seek and do what is best!

...so many trauma-mommas blog about the realities of parenting RAD so others can know they truly

"are not alone!"

... And my heart remains full of hope!

Our Ten Beautiful Years after three VERY DIFFICULT years in the beginning gives me hope our RADadoptees will once more develop the strength to walk in BEAUTIFUL mental health back into LOVING relationship with the family that has ALWAYS loved them...

We who loved them long before they were ever born!

Have we been hurt?  More than word can describe.
Would we have adopted again?  Absolutely.
We continue to pray for our children whose illness hurts them and has hurt us so badly.
We continue to pray for adoptive families everywhere.