Roots

I come from a long line of family...

My family has always been my family.  No one has ever threatened to take my family from me.  Ever.

(until RAD grew up.)

When my husband and I adopted, I based my future expectations about our adoptive family on my past history of what family is, what family has always been to-me- from-my-perspective.   

It makes total and complete sense, right?

Biologically, my extended family "roots" extend into other countries. 

I am first generation American on Mom's side,

                                           second generation American on Dad's side. 

I have "extended family" across borders, some I've met numerous times, some that I've never met.  I am always thrilled to get to hear about "family relations" through "closer" relatives who meet-in-real-life or correspond for whatever reasons. 

Our bio daughter has had the recent opportunity to meet relatives from "across the pond."  She was stating how fascinating it is that "there is something to the biological factor."  She commented how many extended family members she's met as adults are so similar in so many more ways than appearance!!!!!

I have family.  I come from family.  Biologically I remain connected.

Very well connected. 

Distance/time/space does not... never has... never will sever my biological roots.

My biological family roots run deep, and they remain intact. 

When we adopted, I expected  my new adoptive "family experience" to follow the "family experience" of my roots.

Well... I wasn't blind to the fact there'd be "some issues" 

...but I really expected love and acceptance to heal all wounds.

Our adopted daughter is estimated (by adoption social worker) to have had approximately 17 foster families between age 2ish to 6ish when we joyously added her bio-half-brother  to our "Forever Family." 
My reality 
of what family is, 
                    what roots are,

is TOTALLY different

than my adopted daughter's 

perspective.  

That makes sense! 

And it makes sense 

that my adopted children 

ALSO carried into our "forever family" 

a set of expectations 

(based on THEIR experiences)

 quite different from my own. 

It makes sense that my definition of "forever" could be so-very-different than theirs.   

I don't know

how many

of her families

before us

  "promised "  

forever. 

I really knew our new family members had roots too.   I realized they had been chopped up, pulverized, discarded as trash roots.   I KNEW it ... and I tried to deal with it...as best I can... but really, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

I guess in the end I still kind of "expect" them to "adopt" MY perception of "FOREVER" and "FAMILY."  I expect them to acknowledge their roots are pulverized discarded, but I STILL expect them to ADOPT MY ROOTS.

...after all...

Their roots were discarded; 

                                   not by me nor "us" nor "them."  

Their roots were discarded systematically by "the system." 

ANYWAY...


I had my "realistic experience-based expectations"

 and my kids have their "realistic experience-based expectations."

  I am,                          

and                      

               am not        

                                                  talking genetics.  

Our adopted kids ARE our family... in many ways... but the dna of their core is different. That matters.

Graft a pear branch into an apple tree and that branch may live and eventually become productive, but that branch will never produce APPLES. 

I in NO WAY intend to infer superiority or inferiority.  It's just different.  That's all.  It needs to be recognized.

Our kids were grafted into our family.
With the help of their RADtringulated "rescuers" the graft has been torn out, and our tree is bleeding.  

("sappy" reference i know... ar ar ar...  lol) 

There is certain vulnerability in letting our family tree's gaping wound stand open, hoping with hopes our kids will "some day" return.  Truth is we're gonna hurt no-matter-what even if we do eventually bind up the wound and try to move on.

Truth is, our adopted kids are hurting too.  
They've been hurting the whole time.  
Despite the fact with us they grew and bore much fruit. 


Their illness did not lash out at us intending to hurt us, their illness is just trying to protect them from the pain they have always had.

From our deeply rooted family perspective,

adoption for us has been mostly a happy 

and exciting journey... 

for them it has been 

a journey of multiple injuries 

and much loss. 

The fact remains their "roots" were tossed aside as trash.  That has understandably caused them (and consequently us) tremendous pain. 

Both our adult RADs have been trying to soothe their wounds by "as adults" grafting themselves into other families. Forsaking us and calling their peer's parents their "new" mommies and daddies.

Yeah, I see quite clearly how that's not gonna work.
Not long term anyway. 
But
I really can't blame them
for trying everything they can
to make their intense pain stop. 
I would love it
if their remedy of choice
didn't involve attacking us..
 
The reality is our adult adopted kids are hurting... not because of us, just because. 

  

I can't blame them for trying to feel better.  

I hope one day... 
when they think back to OUR family tree...
they will remember how they were welcomed, 
how they were nourished and nurtured, 
how they are loved, 
how they grew strong and healthy in our midst.  

I pray one day 

they will be strong enough

to surround themselves 

with people who will LOVE them 

ENOUGH to affirm our love to them.