Life After RAD Moves out

RAD Has Left the Building.

We are here.   My beloved and I.  We were in love long before RAD entered our lives.  We are in love still.  We are an awesome team.  

Kids are supposed to grow up and move out. It can be hard for parents of "neurotypical" kids when they're left with an empty nest.

I was "warned" at a homeschool convention years ago... not to loose sight of me.  Not to become sooooo wrapped up  in "being mommy" that when the kids leave (like they're SUPPOSED to) that I'd need to find me again.

I was encouraged to keep up working on  hobbies and interests, keep on working on my relationship with the one I pledged to love long after the kids would grow and move out. 

Now I have plenty of time... and yet I feel like each day rushes to its end.

I find the computer, facebook specifically had been swallowing me whole... I'm purposefully backing away... it's nothing personal. 

I want to jump back in non-cyber-life. 

I'm gonna make a list of things I'd LOVE to do if I had time"

... 'cause I DO HAVE time... 

and I'm tired of donating it to the FB.

What's on your "list" of awesomeness?  Try and make a little time for it this week.  Make a date with yourself.  Make a date with your beloved.

Don't neglect to feed the parts of you that were created to THRIVE long after the wee ones are grown!!!!!!!

Hubby's Encounter & Elevator Speech

Today was the day our church honors the men of the congregation (not only dads) by preparing a big breakfast for them.

I had an opportunity to get my licensing ceu's locally, and couldn't attend. 

Dear Hubby went alone.  He's a people person.  Enjoys people, enjoys food... great combo.

The lady serving ricotta blueberry pancakes said "Happy Father's Day!... Oh, do you have children? If you do...  Happy Father's Day!"

This lady is uber-sweet.  Very friendly.  Very personable.  (and she makes delicious pancakes!!!)

My hubby explained he's dad to three... all adults... the oldest graduated college out of state, now working and doing exceptionally well... and two estranged adopted kids.

This lady said, "let me guess... REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER, right?"

It turns out one of her daughters is parenting a RAD adopted child. 

My husband said it was the FIRST TIME since our kids melted down and attacked him where the subject of our kids came up in casual conversation and he face-to-face encountered a "church person" who REALLY got it... She shone love and GENUINE understanding... AND didn't leave him feeling like a judged schmuck.

My sweet hubby said he felt afterwards SO GOOD to be REALLY understood!!!


Hearing of my hubby's encounter had me burst out in tears...
happy tears.

Let's keep educating... anyone who will listen!!!!

                            People really don't need to be on the inside track to understand this.  

I'm convinced I need to develop my RAD "elevator speech" trying to hone a concise explanation of RAD without going on ad-nauseum.

Almost everyone knows an adoptive family in crisis!!!!

I haven't perfected my "elevator speech" but I'm getting there... you may have noticed already... I tend to be "wordy."

A Heart for the Adopted

When we were blessed with our first child (by the miracle of birth) we prepared her to welcome the children that would "someday" join our family by the miracle of adoption.

(Hubby and I had "the call" to adopt long before we met each-other!)

Our oldest has been a joyful part of our adoption experience... every step of the way!!!

She GIVES herself wholly to love her siblings.

She had, with us, waited and prayed for them many years before they arrived.

She was equipped, ready and WILLING to share EVERYTHING... even us! 

She never faltered not for a minute. 

Fast-forward to adulthood.

Our oldest has been seriously dating someone... she cares deeply for him. 

He is adopted.  

He "has issues."

Our daughter is being so patient, so encouraging, so healing towards him.
I remain THOROUGHLY impressed.  
I have wrestled with the concept that our "selfless love" and
"patient endurance" may have taught her that love accepts abuse.
I would hate for that to be the case!!!!

BUT...

...Oh! 

How I would love

for people 

to surround

our adopteds

promoting their 

wholeness, 

healing,

well-being!!!!

As our family STILL remains reeling from our RADs "RADtypical" attack against us...

Here is our beautiful healthy-lovingly-attached daughter... 

...extending her heart to "one of their kind.  " 

Our oldest has explained to me that she has been praying for her spouse from the time she was a small girl.  She has always thought it be important that whomever it would be SHOULD "understand adoption" because she has always wanted whomever she would commit her heart to to be able to "understand" her siblings.  (She does not say this young man is "the one" but she does think he may be a contender...)

Our oldest and her beau are currently "on a break" right now... because she explains he is overwhelmed... it is not that they don't care for each other.  From what she describes part of what is troubling him sounds like he wants to step up... to do better... be better... live better...  for her... AND he is seriously doing "the work" to get well.  He feels the need to have time away to "work on himself." 

That impresses me. 

She tells me her desire for someone who understands adoption  has been a desire many years before our Adult RADs had their conjoined meltdown.   She met him just a few short months before our RADs melted down.  

At first I was quietly screaming at God to protect her.

I don't want a life of heartache for our oldest!!!!!!

She has already sacrificed so much for her siblings... endured so much because of their illness. 

But I've been praying God's best for all my kids. 

I would love to believe that ALL of my kids would be "God's best" for a special someone. 

I would hate to have my adopted two... the RADs... rejected because of their Reactive Attachment Disorder.

I want someone committed to love them... the way their big sister always has.

Our RADs have good qualities too.

At least I remember delightful times with our delightful children... We've had AT LEAST Ten Beautiful Years of joyous memories with our adopted children!!!!

We haven't seen our adopteds in almost 2 years.

Our most recent memories of life with those children ARE the most painful ones!

I miss our sweet beautiful kids... I haven't seen them in years.  

Meanwhile... I'm still praying for God's absolute best!

RAD Desiring Family Presence? or Family Presents?!!!!

Our older still-estranged-RAD unblocked me again on Facebook. 

That doesn't mean she's my FB "friend"  it just means I can see what she posts on mutual FB friend's sites.  While "blocked" she was invisible.

Well... her activity is interesting...

She's and "friending" and playing innocent-kissy-face with our relatives she historically has NO interest in...

It makes little sense to me because she is only related to these people through us, the parents she denies (and hasn't seen since she filed false allegations of abuse charges almost 2 years ago.)

I suspect she may be trying to rustle up some family presents (not family presence) for her half-bio-RAD-brother's second wedding... the formal one.

Well... 
she may actually 
want extended family there... 

it would look bad 

in photos 

if she were 

his only relative.

Maybe she's not bright enough to do such a thing...

                                       maybe she's just messing with my head.

I hate that I don't think

her motivations are

inspired by rainbows

hearts, unicorns 

and "warm fuzzies."

Roots

I come from a long line of family...

My family has always been my family.  No one has ever threatened to take my family from me.  Ever.

(until RAD grew up.)

When my husband and I adopted, I based my future expectations about our adoptive family on my past history of what family is, what family has always been to-me- from-my-perspective.   

It makes total and complete sense, right?

Biologically, my extended family "roots" extend into other countries. 

I am first generation American on Mom's side,

                                           second generation American on Dad's side. 

I have "extended family" across borders, some I've met numerous times, some that I've never met.  I am always thrilled to get to hear about "family relations" through "closer" relatives who meet-in-real-life or correspond for whatever reasons. 

Our bio daughter has had the recent opportunity to meet relatives from "across the pond."  She was stating how fascinating it is that "there is something to the biological factor."  She commented how many extended family members she's met as adults are so similar in so many more ways than appearance!!!!!

I have family.  I come from family.  Biologically I remain connected.

Very well connected. 

Distance/time/space does not... never has... never will sever my biological roots.

My biological family roots run deep, and they remain intact. 

When we adopted, I expected  my new adoptive "family experience" to follow the "family experience" of my roots.

Well... I wasn't blind to the fact there'd be "some issues" 

...but I really expected love and acceptance to heal all wounds.

Our adopted daughter is estimated (by adoption social worker) to have had approximately 17 foster families between age 2ish to 6ish when we joyously added her bio-half-brother  to our "Forever Family." 
My reality 
of what family is, 
                    what roots are,

is TOTALLY different

than my adopted daughter's 

perspective.  

That makes sense! 

And it makes sense 

that my adopted children 

ALSO carried into our "forever family" 

a set of expectations 

(based on THEIR experiences)

 quite different from my own. 

It makes sense that my definition of "forever" could be so-very-different than theirs.   

I don't know

how many

of her families

before us

  "promised "  

forever. 

I really knew our new family members had roots too.   I realized they had been chopped up, pulverized, discarded as trash roots.   I KNEW it ... and I tried to deal with it...as best I can... but really, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

I guess in the end I still kind of "expect" them to "adopt" MY perception of "FOREVER" and "FAMILY."  I expect them to acknowledge their roots are pulverized discarded, but I STILL expect them to ADOPT MY ROOTS.

...after all...

Their roots were discarded; 

                                   not by me nor "us" nor "them."  

Their roots were discarded systematically by "the system." 

ANYWAY...


I had my "realistic experience-based expectations"

 and my kids have their "realistic experience-based expectations."

  I am,                          

and                      

               am not        

                                                  talking genetics.  

Our adopted kids ARE our family... in many ways... but the dna of their core is different. That matters.

Graft a pear branch into an apple tree and that branch may live and eventually become productive, but that branch will never produce APPLES. 

I in NO WAY intend to infer superiority or inferiority.  It's just different.  That's all.  It needs to be recognized.

Our kids were grafted into our family.
With the help of their RADtringulated "rescuers" the graft has been torn out, and our tree is bleeding.  

("sappy" reference i know... ar ar ar...  lol) 

There is certain vulnerability in letting our family tree's gaping wound stand open, hoping with hopes our kids will "some day" return.  Truth is we're gonna hurt no-matter-what even if we do eventually bind up the wound and try to move on.

Truth is, our adopted kids are hurting too.  
They've been hurting the whole time.  
Despite the fact with us they grew and bore much fruit. 


Their illness did not lash out at us intending to hurt us, their illness is just trying to protect them from the pain they have always had.

From our deeply rooted family perspective,

adoption for us has been mostly a happy 

and exciting journey... 

for them it has been 

a journey of multiple injuries 

and much loss. 

The fact remains their "roots" were tossed aside as trash.  That has understandably caused them (and consequently us) tremendous pain. 

Both our adult RADs have been trying to soothe their wounds by "as adults" grafting themselves into other families. Forsaking us and calling their peer's parents their "new" mommies and daddies.

Yeah, I see quite clearly how that's not gonna work.
Not long term anyway. 
But
I really can't blame them
for trying everything they can
to make their intense pain stop. 
I would love it
if their remedy of choice
didn't involve attacking us..
 
The reality is our adult adopted kids are hurting... not because of us, just because. 

  

I can't blame them for trying to feel better.  

I hope one day... 
when they think back to OUR family tree...
they will remember how they were welcomed, 
how they were nourished and nurtured, 
how they are loved, 
how they grew strong and healthy in our midst.  

I pray one day 

they will be strong enough

to surround themselves 

with people who will LOVE them 

ENOUGH to affirm our love to them. 

RAD, Four Letter Words, & Cussing

This topic came up in a cyber-RAD-support group. 

My response is long... so I'm making it a blog. 

When I first met our son outside of the "Sea-World Adoption Day" event, I didn't even think he could talk.

He was two-and-a-half, but looked much younger...
He was wayyy off the charts for height and weight (small)
and he was a diaper butt.  As a matter of fact all he had on was a diaper.

He didn't say a word.

He sure was a cutie though!

When he and his two half sisters came for their first-ever-pre-adoption-placement visit to our home... I was shocked... the kid could speak... not only a word or three... But he spoke in complete sentences with correct grammar!!!  He totally took me by surprise. 

Shortly after our family of three became a family of six I  did get to see his temper.

But I was prepared!
I had studied early child development in college.

I had worked with tiny tots seemingly forever... and... 

worked "behavior modification" with multiply disabled kids... 

*ALL my professional education/and experience trained me to KNOW to ignore most negative behavior issues with little ones and it won't take long before there are no more issues. 

*(The ignore-to-extinguish-behaviors technique 

btw NEVER worked for  our son's   "officially diagnosed RAD  " sister.  

She would escalate and exacerbate to meltdowns

I NEVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE 

until behaviors were directly addressed and dealt with... 

EVERY SINGLE TIME. 
That was one of the key puzzling issues 

that indicated to her counselor our new daughter had much bigger issues.  

It did not take long before 

she was referred to psychiatrist MD and  diagnosed RAD.  

We were encouraged to by our daughter's Psych-team to 

  "nip EVERYTHING in the bud  "  to help prevent future meltdowns. )

One day our new little diaper-butt son wanted something... I don't remember what, but  

the answer was "no." 

He threw a MAJOR drop-to-the-floor-kicking-screaming-punching/blocking-the-doorway tantrum.

I calmly quietly carried my laundry basket over his little loud convulsing body and went into the next room to sit and fold clothes.

He was SHOCKED!

He got quiet IMMEDIATELY!

He quietly picked his little self up and DRAMATICALLY dropped to the floor in front of my laundry basket to "continue" his tantrum! 
 


It took all the strength within me not to crack up laughing. 

I never saw that kind of tantrum from him again.... ever. 

Our son has grown into our never offically diagnosed
"inhibited RAD  "
With passive/aggressive- passive/defiant behaviors.
He was challenging to parent/easy to love

during the first three years, 

but not nearly as challenging as our 

" offically diagnosed disinhibited RAD " Daughter!!!
During our  "Ten Beautiful Years "  Our son was truly delightful 

He became his worst when

his officially Dx'd RAD sister returned from college 

and began triangulating him (and the world) against us. 

I wonder in-hindsight if the technique of ignoring negative behaviors to extinction
actually contributed in some way to his "inhibited RAD  " behaviors. 

Well, in the short time the kids had been with us, I saw in our son an AWESOME eagerness to "help out."  He loved to be assigned things.  (I'd call "OOOOOhhhhhhh Recycling Boy!!!!!" like I was calling for a super-hero whenever a newspaper, can or bottle needed to go into the recycle-bin... he absolutely LOVED to help!)

Well one day our new son was wandering aimlessly and pushing around a chair to entertain himself. 
(He loved to climb was all over everything all the time.)  I asked him to turn on the light so I could read.  Again... he was THRILLED.  (I didn't really NEED a light on... I just liked to ask him to do little things because it ALWAYS made him so happy that I might need his help!) 


I had forgotten I even asked him to turn on a light.  

As I was reading (in dim light) I heard my new son's ADORABLE little high pitched voice "let loose" with EVERY curse word I had EVER heard...EVER!  

...and USED IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT!!!! 

His oldest half-bio-sister (13) was quite proud of the fact she had worked HARD to teach him well during the ONLY three months they EVER lived together (as a special needs sibling group ready for adoption) before being placed in our home to finalize. 

Well I knew ignoring negative behaviors worked WELL with him!!!
So I kept my nose in the newspaper...  

AND the OBSCENITIES continued to fly out of his mouth!!!

                             ...and continued

...and continued                       

...and continued...  They were not slowing down!!!

 

I looked up... my new little son had dragged a chair to the BACK of our greatroom... where there was a 6 switch wall plate operating our outdoor floodlights, patio lighting etc...
My son would flip one, look back to where I was sitting, curse, flip another, look back curse, ...and so on and so on and so on... Each time his little mouth opened it was a new set/formation of curse words.  Each time they were used "in the right context!"

I said "OH, HONEY!!!!  THE LIGHT SWITCH YOU NEED TO TURN ON IS RIGHT THERE!"  I pointed across from me.

He happily pushed his chair to the other half of the great room and switched the light.  I gave him big hugs kisses and cuddled and thanked him for his awesome help.  I told him I was sorry I didn't tell him WHICH switch needed to be turned on.  All was right in the world... 

AND I NEVER HEARD 

ANOTHER CURSE WORD

OUT OF HIS MOUTH.  

EVER.  

However...
       ...about a year later, after we finalized adoption on two of the three originally placed. (Oldest ended up adopted, YES ADOPTED by her/not  "their  " bioDAD) We were FINALLY allowed to take our new kids out-of-state to meet their new extended family. 

We hit NY and I think the president was in town, some big dignitary was anyway... and it messed with traffic.  BIG TIME.   We ended up not moving more than three inches a mile for the next hour while roads were totally cleared for the procession of black cars with American flags at the front.  

The lady in the next car kept giving us a major dose of "stink-eye!"  

I asked my husband if he was aware of any driver faux-pas he might have made while we'd inch up and drop back each in our own lane... "Certainly you couldn't have cut her off!  We haven't REALLY moved!!!" 

We couldn't figure out for the life of us what that lady's problem was.  

I looked to the kids in the back seats. 

 The answer was clear.  

There was my precious little angel-faced -then- 3 1/2 year old son... flipping the lady off and giggling quietly to himself complete with happy feet at her reaction every-single-time.  My husband and I began laughing so hard (but trying to keep it so the kids didn't see our reaction) we were near tears!!!  

I reached around put his hand down, sternly told him "no!" I asked his older sisters to distract him... before we knew it we were moving again... 

And

I NEVER saw him

flip the bird

again.

  Ever!

I 

for the most part 

choose not to curse.   

(I must confess, every once-in-a-RARE-while,

I may indulge, "for effect." 

But it NEVER sits right with ME.  

It doesn't feel good to ME

And I have never been impressed 

by the fancy four lettered words 

coming out of MY mouth.)

Now... I'd like to point out that;
  I am not offended by curse words.   

I have MANY friends who are quite comfortable letting every word imaginable fly in by presence, in CREATIVE combinations I'd never imagine... I LOVE these people dearly AND I am not uncomfortable in their presence... I appreciate that they feel comfortable around me to "be themselves" and do not feel they  have to "edit" themselves in my presence!!!  

I am ALWAYS honored by the fact they trust me enough to be real. 

I have in my lifetime been FAR MORE offended by numerous "Why BLESS YOUR HEART!"-s  that I've gotten from church-y-people in church-y-circles where the "Bless your heart" people consider themselves "too holy" to allow "such words" to pass their lips, THAN I'VE EVER BEEN by "friendly" or heartfelt and un-edited "FU!" -s in "real" conversations with real (as opposed to plastic) people.  

I figure... what matters is the heart.  

Where is my heart while I am talking?!

Sometimes I'm even convicted 

by saying something seemingly harmless like 

"Oh fiddle sticks!" 

Because for ME what is important is where my heart is at!

For people offended by "cuss words" 

I'd like to challenge you to consider where your heart is at is, and what is your listener discerning in your message as you speak with-or-without cuss words?

RADs With Guns

Since their conjoined RADmeltdown of 2009 which involved A MASSIVE ATTACK against my husband and myself, both our RADs have gone into gun-toting-professions.

YET, I Have No Peace about remaining in fear.

Kind of sounds silly doesn't it? 

In the "worldly sense"
it "make sense" for me to be afraid... very afraid.

But I have no peace about living in that fear.  

The last time I saw my "officially diagnosed RAD" was almost 2-years-ago, she was at her LOWEST emotional/mental state that I'd ever witnessed.  Ever. 

She was LASHING OUT at my husband and I and making false accusations of abuse. 
(I found out LATER that goes hand-in-hand with her Reactive Attachment Disorder diagnosis.)

Well RADgirlie went to the local community college 
and got herself a badge 

and a gun. 

RADsonny joined the Air Force.

Both RADs (the officially diagnosed and the one who in complete hindsight appears to meet many of the "inhibited" symptoms) now carry guns for money.   

Our RADson serves STATES AWAY (Thank God!)

Our RADdaughter is a gun-toting law enforcement officer in a neighboring hamlet that we drive through regularly. 

We were told by our bio-daughter that RADdaughter's "pending-employment" would depend on me being interviewed about her. 

Yeah, well... that never happened.  

She does have "connections." 
RADdaguther's new boss is her ex-boyfriend's father. 


(Interesting side note, RADdaughter's new boss, "the Chief "& wife are also adoptive parents of a little girl... who according to our RADdaughter apparently NEEDS MEDICATION!  

Our RADdaughter told us how her ex-boyfriend & mom were fighting about who stole whose anti-psychotic meds... 

We had NUMEROUS  "red-flag  " discussions with our RADdaughter before her melt-down... this was the topic of just one of them.)

My initial reaction, realizing how hell-bent our daughter is against us, combined with having the inside peek that our RADdaughter provided us regarding the family of her ex was intense fear.

(Our daughter's form of RAD has always been "IN-YOUR-FACE."  Her "cause and effect" thinking has always appeared quite damaged... she EVENTUALLY "gets it"... eventually, or she's become really good at faking "getting it." )

But even with ALL the VERY CONCERNING contributing factors, I have absolutely NO peace what-so-ever about "dwelling" in fear.

I HAVE TO  trust God.

It's a matter of survival for me.   

All-things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28
 

I'm eager to see how God will use this... I'm grateful NOTHING is wasted in His economy.