Young Love... And Parental Manipulation

At 21 years of age...
Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee was "rescued" from us into the home of a manipulative woman who about a year prior admittedly planned from her inner-circle which young women  WOULD marry EACH  of her sons.

While RAD was starting on the brink of exploding... Before we had any inkling of what RAD would do next... That woman openly shared with me her secret plans for our youngest daughter to marry her youngest son. I firmly and kindly responded I thought it would be wonderful to allow our kids to make their own decisions about marriage.

Not yet understanding RAD, but knowing our adoptee well,  I never shared this woman's confessions along-those-lines with our daughter because although I didn't yet have the terminology to articulate behaviors we'd seen in our "officially diagnosed" adoptee,  we understood the concept that the cause and effect reasoning part of her brain had consistently shown evidence of not fully operating.

RAD doesn't make kids stupid...

 Our daughter is quite smart actually.  

She entered college at age 14. 

Was one B short of 4.0.  

She's smart and cute.

She used to easily memorize and regurgitate facts.

"BLUE is the answer! 

The answer is BLUE!     

What is the answer?????"

"..... Ummmm..... blue?"

"YES! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   

In accordance with her illness...

  Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee always had trouble processing the MEANING of information.

It's not at all that she'd NEVER "get it"...

just most times she'll have data...

and assume illogical meanings when asked to process information.   

Not her fault.  

Just one of the nuances of a young brain exposed to early trauma.

I didn't want to risk for a minute that our daughter would misinterpret the woman who would eventually become her "savior mommy"'s aspirations as plans she should pursue.    

Our daughter never for one minute expressed romantic interest in "savior mommy's" baby boy.

I recently had the opportunity to ask a few questions to another mom on the brink of "saving" a sweet young girl (in the system, not her fault) from the latest parents...

...A young girl this woman hopes will "someday" marry her son.

Some of the questions I asked this potential "savior mommy" to consider...   

1) Do you think it may be possible that this sweet beautiful young girl you want to save, and hope will marry your son may be behaving quite differently with you in your home than she does in the home that is establishing boundaries for safety and has the responsibility of keeping her safe?

2) What if you've contracted to become guardian and things don't work out romantically between her and the child you hope she'll marry?

3) Is it possible, once your role in her life changes,  this teen may eventually give you the same challenges she's presenting to her current caregivers?

4) Is there a way you can be supportive of this girl, AND her current caregivers, while encouraging this girl to be taking her own steps as a young teen toward responsible adulthood (for example resume attending HS, get a job... Etc.) while encouraging her to be so much less a teenage "victim" who needs to marry your child so she can be rescued her from this unfair life of living with adult caregivers whose reasonable rules at times don't facilitate these young lovers from living the  romantic wonderland they feel entitled to... to the fullest?

5)  Don't you want your child to be married to someone because they really love each other, not because one was in a bad situation and needed to be rescued?

6) Are you aware kids who bounce around the system make false allegations?

7) It's entirely possible the young lovers are sexually active... What repercussion might there be if you take her in as a her legal guardian and don't prevent your legally-adult child from engaging with this minor sexually in your home?    
 
8) Does your career allow you to earn money while officials investigate any strife she might cause against you as her new and improved caregiver who might try to establish rules and limits within your family's home that she as a young teen might naturally object to?

9) Wouldn't it be best to love, appreciate and hope for your "future daughter-in-law" while continuing to encourage the young-in-love couple  to work diligently towards achieving milestones of independent adult responsibilities to help establish their "true-love" on the strongest possible foundation for their "happily ever after?"

Ack.

I do want to confirm.... I told this parent, many times throughout our conversations I AM honestly a believer in young love.  Just one week after turning 20, I married the boy I had taken to prom a few years prior.

We're still head-over-heels in love...

Just with my recent experiences... involving "system kids"... 

(Oh how I hate to assert there is a "system-kid" mentality!!!!!!!!!!!!  

...If only our experiences would have kept us blissfully ignorant!)

....So many aspects of all this woman  shared of her child's romance and her own desire to save his  beloved has me so-very concerned...

Turns out their family opted to not take on guardianship... For now. 

Out of the Blue She Brings Up Adoption

Can you believe there are friends who don't know we've adopted?  

Man.

For a while there it seemed the "common issues" of adopting traumatized children out of fostercare would forever be all consuming.

Life does go on.

I was chatting with a friend recently.

Innocently she brought up how a newly adopted child she knew was FLOURISHING in the new family... how she hoped the child appreciates all the sacrifices this kind hearted family has made to positively impact this young life pulled out of a dung heap.

I got misty-eyed.  Not at all a big ugly cry kind of thing.  Just misty.

My friend asked if I was okay.  Had she offended me?  If I ever need to talk... Etc.

I told her my heart breaks for that family.  I told her it turns out there's many adoption related issues that arise when children are adopted out of trauma. Yes, indeed the child's life has been positively impacted.  Yes the child needed to be taken out of the dung heap.  Yes indeed the new family's sacrifices are worthwhile and making a remarkably tremendous positive impact in the child's previously traumatic life... But unfortunately it's quite likely the child will grow up to despise the family that will lavish love health and healing in that child's direction for the rest of their days.

My friend looked at me with a puzzled expression.

You know we adopted a special needs sibling group... Right?  

She honestly had no idea.

I explained our adoptees' "special needs" are mostly psychological resulting from their traumatic origin.  All adults now.  All doing far better in adulthood than their family of origin... Well... All Except for one...   It's a long story.

Sorry, yes, I do agree the child is flourishing. That family is really blessing that child.

Powerball and Other Free Dreams

Happy New Year friends!

Dear Sweet Wonderful Hubby and I were treated by VERY generous family members and friends to an over-the-top extravagant Christmas-New Years celebration.  Wow.  "Car service" (read "limo") at our disposal to drive us around a city we had never before visited.  Keys to the Mercedes for whenever we wanted the driver to "bring the car around" so we could explore on our own. Decadent meals in fine restaurants, no reservations... holiday crowds... no problem, friends' connections got us right to the front of every line. And best of all quality time with people we love... Who love us back.  I'm still pinching myself... Back home, it all feels like a dream... the likes of which I'd NEVER aspired, but could very easily imagine myself getting used to.

Powerball fantasy has me dreaming of permanence of that amazing "lifestyle."  One of my BFFs was asking if we were in it to win it.  Together we shared fantasies of what instant wealth might provide.  In my heart I remember and "amen"...

Proverbs 30:8-9
Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only daily bread.  Otherwise I may have too much and disown You and say "Who is The Lord?" Or I may become poor and steal and so dishonor the name of my God.

Once home from our awesome trip I got a call from one of my dearest high school bffs.  We seldom get to talk 'cause she's in that SUPER busy stage of life with small children.

Together in HS she and I studied early childhood development together and were each assigned a twin to observe and write our reports about.  Back then we bet each other we'd have twins first.  We now joke that the race extends to the next generation.  Haha.

She was birthing her kids about the time we were adopting.  Fast forward a couple years and she's an adoptive mom too.  When you love kids, I suppose it predisposes you to adopt kids who need loving homes.

She ended up adopting a sibling group too.  Interesting story how she got them.  But it's her story to tell if/when she needs to.

She was expressing feelings of a lack of love toward the one with attachment disorder.  I told her to hold on.  I reminded her she does indeed love her daughter she's patient, kind keeping on, still trying still hoping still protecting...   Etc...

From 1Corinthians 13...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. 

I explained what is frequently missing in relationships with attachment disordered kids is the warm fuzzy feelings that accompany "reciprocated love."

I encouraged her to keep on keeping on despite a lack of reciprocation my friend is making a positive difference despite the child's inability to "appreciate" all the hard work that goes into loving a child adopted from life's hard places.  She doesn't have it in her account to give back.   Something broke big in our attachment disordered kids long before we ever met them.  It's not their fault, it's not ours either.  

Keep on loving... 

Love doesn't mean we have to fake warm fuzzies that don't exist.   When children we love hurt and hate us on a regular basis the feelings of warm-fuzzies aren't there.   

Adoptive parents, and adult adoptees alike... who have gone decades before us console us with the "normalness" of our adult adoptees behaviors.

When you take a minute and consider... It really does seem constant and natural...

...that those who had no say ...

...as their personal definition of family was changed... 

...EACH time social services stepped in...

...again, and again, and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again...  (19 "agains" are in honor of our adopted daughter's bio-parents, the 17 failed/foster/adoptive sets of parents before us, and us... her 19th set of parents who were blessed with her and her half biological siblings from different paths just about a week before that little girl turned six years old)

...whether social services intervened 

to rescue the child

 from their biological family's

 inability to keep the small child

 safe from abuses

no child should have to endure...

...or... 

...to rescue foster/adoptive parents

 from child originated abuses

 no parent should have to endure...

When these kids (whose core-reality-based definition of "Family" has been botched so many times in a child's lifetime) become adults... it is normal, constant and natural for them THROUGHOUT THEIR LIVES, to re-define and re-define who is REALLY and not really their REAL family...

Walls of Protection

I got a text from one of my dearest friends.  I have known him ALL my life.  We grew up together.  Started kindergarten together, graduated high school together... he was one of my hubby's groomsmen at our wedding.  He visited us here just before ETAAM.

"OMG! I'm working now but HAD to tell you!!!!"

This friend has always had more energy than the Energizer Bunny!  He keeps going, and going and going and going.  Most days, he rushes from his day job, to his night job that pays for all the running he does when he's not working.  Oh, if I could bottle that energy!!!   He's my age... so my lack of energy ain't got nothing to do with how old I am.

At his night job, he is a super star.  Shoot, as far as I'm concerned everywhere he goes he's a super star!!!  People adore him!!!!   I feel like I'm a celebrity when I'm with him because we always get a flood of people flocking to us like paparazzi.  

He waits tables at a popular restaurant in my home town.  Simply calling him a "waiter" doesn't seem appropriate... the level of service and care he provides his customers is truly outstanding... which is why so many of the people he serves flock to him when he's out and about... they honestly consider him a friend. 

Well, it turns out he's been training a new guy at work.  This new guy is cracking up as my friend is explaining how to cope with the frustrations the job has.  The new guy says, you're so funny, I can only think of one person as funny as you, my mom... I bet if you met her, you two would be great friends!

Well... turns out new guy has his parents coming in for dinner tonight... turns out it's another of my dearest friends, another member of my hubby's and my wedding party from 30 years ago.  She's one of my dearest friends from back in the day.

She's the gal that back-in-the-day I kept trying to get my other friends to meet, befriend, hang out with, but they'd keep asking what I ever saw in her as a person.

This friend and my friend who texted me were all good friends.  The three of us used to hang out together quite a bit.  They lost touch... despite living so close their busy lives just went in different directions.

The next day my childhood neighbor called to say it was great to see her, she looked like her younger self but older, and much better than he'd expected she might, at our age.  ha ha.

He went on to say he felt dirty, because, yes, she's still very funny, and she made him laugh quite a bit but every thing she was joking about was at someone else's expense. 

I reminded him she was probably really insecure.  I reminded him "how she would get" when she was in a situation where she felt judged.  Her tactics had always been to hurt them before they hurt her.  I never enjoyed being with her in a group setting, but when it was just the three of us... or just the two of us... she was always sincere, and vulnerable and lovely.

He said yes, he had forgotten, but in hindsight the night prior she seemed to vacillate between lovely and obnoxious.  He said there were a couple of times he wanted to say "What are you doing???? Don't you remember?  You KNOW me!  You can trust me!  We're friends!  You're safe here!!!!"

We've got plans for the three of us to get together soon.  I'm looking forward to it.  I'm hoping she'll feel safe enough around us to have her walls down.

(not really adoption related... but I'm aware and saddened our adoptees have many walls, masks, masquerades that protect them... I hope they'll find people with whom they can be real.)

Little Couple Adoption

Adoption continues to be a "storyline" that captivates the hearts of so many.

My hubby and I are cheering for The Little Couple as they seek to share their experiences, and love adopting special needs children whom they already LOVE long before they have ever met them.

Isn't Will ADORABLE???

After raising our special-needs-adopted-half-bio-sibling-group to (what is appearing to be their RADtypical) adulthood, my hubby and I are enjoying fond memories of the early adoptive years while watching the enthusiasm, the wonder, the joy, the adventure of building their family through adoption... This couple reminds us of our younger selves... eager to share every good thing with their children, whom they are eager to meet, but have already committed to love from the bottom of their hearts, and care for with all the means they have.

It seems like this exceedingly intelligent couple is somewhat knowledgeable about Attachment Disorder.  I've heard it mentioned a few times as I watch.   I cringe a bit... as brilliant, professional Dr. Mom proclaims that with some children adopted out of similar circumstances attachment could be a problem, but it's obvious because their son has been so quickly affectionate with them he CLEARLY has no attachment issues.  Hmmm...

At the same time, I don't want to for a minute awaken them from this dreamy wonderland where their hearts are truly overflowing as their family expands with one, and soon, two already beloved children. As I watch, I'm hopeful, prayerful, that it will be different for them than it has been for us.   I want them to have the beautiful years... I just don't want RAD to come crashing into their happily ever after.

After all, how can the cuddly affection of "our new" child be a sign of an attachment issue? (Any "expert" that doubts the sincerity of this heaven-sent little angel's affection MUST be a quack!!! ...right?)

Anyone who hasn't really experienced Reactive Attachment Disorder... will NEVER fully understand.

Children ARE absolutely a delight... and what a blessing it is to have them, to love them, to raise them.  Almost any parent knows how quickly we'd sacrifice ourselves to prevent our beloved children from experiencing the slightest pains.    As real parents we find out there's almost never an option for us to bear our child's hurts instead of watching them suffer.

Adoptive children come to us with a long history of pain that we simply cannot-no-matter-how-much-we-want-to take for them.  Often our children have lived through  the horrors (whatever they may have been) that has caused them to be separated from their "first family" and we simply could not have protected them... usually we were not there. 

In reality, if the adopted child had been fully protected they never would have lost their first family... and however many caregivers filled the gap until adoptive family could raise them.

For the adopted child, adoption is always loss.

However the first family was "lost" there is always the "knowledge" to the core of their being they don't belong.  I've read in Nancy Verrier's   Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up   the concept that the mirror "betrays" the adopted child... and even though it's not politically correct to discuss the ways an adopted child genetically is very different from the family they are adopted into, the child has this sense to the core that they don't "really" belong.  That phenomenon is no reflection what-so-ever of how much parents want, love, care for the adopted child... but it can be mis-percieved by the adoptee to be "evidence" of how the adopted parent's never accepted, loved, cared for, the adopted child.

In chatting with various adult adoptees, I've found the sentiment of not "feeling" like they belong to be quite present... and I've recommended Verrier's book as a good place to explore issues quite common to adopted adults. 

I've recently had the opportunity to meet and work alongside a senior citizen adoptee... adopted out of an American orphanage... back when orphanages was where orphaned children were cared for in these United States, until adoption.

I've heard those who have benefited from this personable-service-driven-adult-adoptee's dedication and diligent labors comment how "he's always told us we are his family."

*Sigh*

I've not had the opportunity to ask what his relationship is/was like with his adoptive family after he reached adulthood.

As I continue to strive to understand all that is going on in the hearts and minds of our adoptees, I continue to meet and speak with adoptees of all ages... the one common thread I see is... regardless of age, there appears to be a lifelong effort to continually try to define and redefine who their "REAL" family is... because it appears it remains a life-long struggle for the individuals who I've had the privilege of speaking with.

I also am privileged to share strength and hope with other adoptive parents.

One delightful dedicated adoptive momma who was instructing me how critical it is for ALL adopted individuals to maintain ties to birth family... yeah, I'm not a fan of cookie cutter answers... I'm thrilled that appears to be working in her circumstances, but in reality she's still in the thick of it all... her kids are young.  She got a bit quiet when I told her our placed for adoption-daughter, disrupted to be with her-not their bio-father,  was murdered at 18 years old during a visit to our kid's birth mom.

There's no cookie cutter solution, no One-Size-Fits-All answers.  I can't pretend for a minute to know what's best.  If anyone had asked me during the "Beautiful Years" I'd have sworn I was indeed an expert. 

Meanwhile... I watch the adoption storylines on tv, Reality-television, and scripted shows... The Little Couple, Giuliana and Bill, Gene Simmons' Family, Patty Stanger, Parenthood, etc etc etc... with great interest, amazed how optimistic I remain, as so many adoption storied unfold on TV through reality and scripted television shows. 

I can't say for a minute I'd want my family's story on TV, but I've found great strength and encouragement through the blogs of awesome adoptive parents...

While I'd never wish the suffering related to RAD on any family, I'm so-very-grateful to know we're not alone in the adventures of loving our adoptees, despite how the pain of their Attachment Disorder continues to hurt them and us. 

Adoption... Life Goes On

For what feels like several months, I believe I've finally reached the stage (post-conjoined meltdown RAD attack against us) where life is going on... pleasantly... and I don't feel the need to blurt adoption stuff to everyone who will listen.

HALLELUIAH!!!!

The nature of my line of work is I can work for months and months without running into a familiar face.

Recently I was working with a new-to-me person... and work was slow.... so before our first official break, we had LOTS of very pleasant "chit chat" opportunities discussing a myriad of various topics... none of them anywhere near adoption.

On our first "official" break... a familiar face approached (an adoptive mom who seemed in the past to blow off our parenting RAD adoptees experiences as irrelevant, uncommon, certainly nowhere near HER perfectly wonderful adoption x3 experiences.)  She had-in-hand an article that addressed the only difficulty she had ever before acknowledged  that she had encountered in adoption... expense.

With fresh beverages, the three of us sat in our break area... chatting.  This adoptive mom was very excited to have this published article explaining the financial difficulties that adoptive families overcome.  She was eager for me to read it right then, right there, on my break.  I didn't want to read it during my break but I promised I'd look it up online.  I told her she might be interested to know our estranged daughter has made contact... wants us to be involved our grandchild's life.

I was surprised when this formerly unsupportive woman replied "Be careful, it's a good start, but it will be a long journey before it's all better."  (Wow... I wondered what has transpired in her life to have inspired a more empathetic response to our adoption experience!)

This other Adoptive mom asked if our estranged pregnant daughter had gotten married?

I explained no, this was her first child, his fourth child.... then followed with "...it appears her inability to be in a reciprocally loving relationship has led her to a man with a history of not staying committed."

Insert several repeated "fake coughs" from our silent-in-this-conversation-until-now new-co-worker... followed by an awkwardly proclaimed "I'm adopted."

She went on to explain how she never-ever felt like she belonged to, nor was loved by her adoptive family.

I looked her in the eyes, and let her know she is not alone in her experience... and I could not speak to her family situation, because I knew nothing of it, but I wanted to let her know my husband's and my thoughts and prayers for ALL our children... and the SINCERE AND DEEPLY FELT LOVE we have for ALL our children... and how it breaks our hearts that our adopted kids have so much pain  ...that their pain is not their fault... but it's not ours either...

I also talked about books that I've read that address how significant genetic mirroring is... and that adoptees' "not belonging" feeling could be largely based on the "taboo-in-our-society" reality that genetically an adoptee doesn't typically "mirror" anyone in their adoptive family.

In adoptive circles it seems so "taboo" to discuss openly OBVIOUS differences.  It seems to be far more Politically Correct to pretend that there are no differences whatsoever between adoptee and adoptive parents. 

As my new friend discussed how she always had this feeling she didn't belong... I discussed our culture... and how timid we are to discuss openly the obvious under Political Correctness and "Manners."  

I suggested that perhaps the "I don't belong" feeling was not a failure of her adoptive parents to love her... but maybe instead a realization to the core that none of her genetic features that reflected herself back in the mirror were reflected in any of her adoptive family members.  The fact that it's seldom, if ever discussed... made to be "no big deal... we have love" might have been exactly what has been screaming at her that she "doesn't belong... never belonged."

My new friend and I talked quite a bit about the adoption thing... She shared with me what it was like with her first bio child... how that re-awakened the abandonment issues... and the "how could they leave me?" question.

On the flip side of our adoptees "conjoined meltdown" with all the knowledge I've acquired while trying to understand what has been driving their hate toward us... I keep wishing to go back in time and prepare my kids for that which "is common to those adopted out of foster care, or orphanages."

Knowing I can't go back... it is my hope to reach forward... to impact positively families traveling parallel paths of adoption out of Early Trauma. 

Meanwhile... in my "seldom see the same face twice" line of work... it appears 80%-90% of the people I'm encountering long enough to have conversations with lately are part of adoptive families...

...and for the last several months... I've not been the one bringing up adoption.

It appears my footsteps are ordained.  

TV Adoption Storylines

Last night NBC's "Parenthood" storyline had the troubled (not his fault) adopted child call 911 to make false allegations of abuse against his adoptive parents.

Knowing how this plays out in real life for our family... and other adoptive families... TV made it neat and clean and wrapped it up nicely before the hour was up...

Regardless... I'm grateful the topic is covered.

As I've been pondering today how to address last night's show on my blog... what to write, how to say it, a few things popped into my mind about TV adoption storylines...

They don't really address the "honeymoon period" of a newly placed child...

but I get it... tv is not real life... it can't possibly capture and accurately portray in an hour what takes a lifetime to live.  I'm still so grateful the topic is covered.

I also pondered that you don't often see "ongoing" adoption "issues"  in media portrayals of adoption.  I wonder if that is partially our fault as adoptive parents...  yes, adoption REALLY makes kids REALLY a part of our families.  YES, adoption makes our family REALLY OUR FAMILY.

But I'm finding... there ARE "adoption issues" ... lifelong it seems... adoption issues.  It makes sense to talk about it, write about it, inform people about it.  The subject seems to be quite taboo. 

Today I wonder if we, adoptive parents, who keep on insisting that adoption is natural, and good, and a REAL way to build a family stifles the "political correctness" of addressing the reality of REAL LIFE-LONG "adoption issues."  

I do believe that adoption is natural, and good, and a real way to build a family... but there ARE adoption issues... life long adoption issues... and perhaps once upon a time I was offended that anyone might infer there are differences in the experience of families that have children born into it and families that have children adopted into it. 

I can't help but wonder if our "taboo" mentality figures "Maybe if we keep on insisting that pointing out, noticing, discussing common life-long issues regarding adoption is offensive 'the issues' will go away ?"

Meanwhile... today... however inaccurate, or slightly skewed from our reality... I'm so very grateful that adoption issues are better addressed in entertainment media today than the adoption stories of yester-year where after the child finds the family they need to love them they all live "happily ever after". 

I'm grateful the ability to talk about "adoption issues" is taking bolder and bolder steps out of the shame-filled shadows of not being politically correct.

I feel the need to mention, I am still hoping for our family's adoption "happily ever after."

Our Daughter's First Sign of Attachment

The first time I ever saw our new daughter express genuine concern for our family, my heart was overwhelmed. 

Up until that day, most of the time our daughter walked around like a robot, and hugged like an ironing board, but as soon the social worker's car pulled up the driveway, our newest daughter would snuggle up to Daddy in a way that was far too "mature" and far to inappropriate for a little girl.  She'd giggle in in an saccharin sweet voice "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Daddy.... tee hee hee!  You're soooooo funny!" while running her little fingers along his hair neck and shoulders. 

She'd stay in that spot until the social worker's car left the driveway.   Then she'd blankly-robotically go back to her room... and resumed her "ignoring" us behavior. 

I read it as "PLEASE SOCIAL WORKER DON'T MOVE ME AGAIN!"  

And I immediately notified the social worker that we ONLY saw that behavior when her car was in our driveway... we let her know it disappeared as quickly as it came. 

I think I've written about this before here... not sure if I ever posted it. 

The memories of who our kids were when we first met them, who they became as part of our family, who they became at the "age appropriate season of detachment as young adults" haunt me. 

Some memories haunt me more than others. 

The "attachment sign" memory is one that I don't mind popping up from time to time.  It continues to give me much hope.

Before we had a cellphone... hubby was stuck on the side of the highway with minor car trouble he felt he could fix if he could get his tools.  A good Samaritan stopped and loaned a phone for him to call me to come with tools. 

I piled the kids in the mommymobile (read minivan) and off we went. 

We had to pass hubby on the highway, exit, turn around and reenter to get to him on the other side. 

We spotted him.  Stuck on the other side. 

Our newest daughter began SOBBING.  She hated that he was stranded... and that cars were driving by... and that we had to drive by too. 

My heart breaks each time I remember the depths of her grieving her new daddy's lot. 

Those feelings were raw.  And REAL.  And CARING. 

This child who for as long as we'd known her SEEMED so indifferent to us all... really cared for him... for us.

I miss my caring daughter.  I believe she is out there... but the triggers of becoming a young adult... surrounded by "friends" tickling her ears about her "rights" as a young adult and "friends" my age who delight in poisoning her mind against us... because then she "needs" them.

Our daughter is out there wandering the junkyard of life out there in robot land... Officer RAD... big and tough... and ready to "take on the world."

She's heavily armored... She's been injured most by the "friends" trying to help her.  She's using everything she's got to protect the little girl we love... and miss.

Blowing Up the Bridge

"Blowing Up the Bridge:
This can be a helpful image for parents to remember to protect themselves from being set up for repeated  disappointment and frustration.

It works like this. Think of yourselves and your AD child  on opposite banks of a river with the goal being to bridge the river.

While the idea of “meeting halfway” seems the obvious plan, this can be a trap/mistake with many AD children. 

Why?
Your child has some success maybe a few good days at school or some unusually good behavior at home.

As parents, your hopes begin to rise, and you start walking out on the bridge to meet and congratulate your child. After you have gotten out on the bridge, your child “blows it up” with some new misbehavior that wipes out the previous spark of success.

Everyone winds up “in the river”.

You are feeling disappointed / frustrated / angry / betrayed.

Your AD child is feeling empowered: “Ha! I got them again.”

In order to avoid handing your child the power to disappoint you, you should stay on your side of the river and communicate your expectation that your child build the bridge all the way across with some reliable, real change.

You offer heartfelt congratulations only when your child steps off the bridge onto your side of the river.

It’s a matter of disciplined patience and timing on the parents’ part.

Your therapist can guide you in deciding when the child has accomplished sufficient change to be acknowledged"

The above passage is from an article

found in entirety at 

http://q87.com/rad/rad.synopsis.pdf

Author is not identified.  

I would LOVE to give credit where credit is due!!!  

(formatting, font size, boldness etc is mine)

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We have LIVED this over and over again.  We have learned through EXPERIENCE that we need to have compliance or we ALL will be devastated when "mid-bridge" our RADs bring out the "explosives."

We are not safe on the bridge with our RADkids.

"The Bridge" is a journey our kids need to make on their own... 

for the sake of their own mental health.  

Our "failure" as loving parents to "meet our kids halfway"
when correcting their RAD behaviors

has been perceived by some 

(ignorant of the complexities of RAD) 

to be "evidence" of

poor parenting at best 

and

"abuse" at absolute worst.