The Heat

Hubby and I enjoyed a date night dinner and a movie.  I love to laugh and enjoy a good comedy.

We went to The Heat featuring Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock.  We laughed. A lot.

I hesitantly recommend it because it is a BIG time potty mouth film.  Definitely not for the kids.  If cuss words offend you, don't go.

Potty mouth doesn't offend me, I choose not to use it, but I'm not usually offended by people who feel they need to express themselves using it. (Explained in more detail here)

I don't want to spoil movie for anyone interested to see it so if you're planning to go and don't want a sneak peek at the story line now's your time to go and read a different great blog post... Info below is not a major spoiler... read on if you dare.  ha ha
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Turns out part of the theme of the movie is how Miss Perfect Officer on the outside (can't maintain a single personal relationship anywhere) is so messed up because of all the bouncing around she did as a kid in the foster system.

The very real references that being bounced around from house to house to house to house has on a kid... who grows into an adult IS very real... and not funny to anyone who experiences the veritable pain. 

I figure this is a film our very own estranged Officer RAD may eventually see.  I'm hoping if she does, the humor of this film will reinforce to her that it is NORMAL for kids who have grown up having so many "families" after birth family to grow up to have difficulty in their adult relationships.

Everywhere I go... I continue to look for, hope for, pray for opportunities for our RAD affected adoptees to be pointed towards and encouraged to walk along paths of health and healing.  

Little Couple Adoption

Adoption continues to be a "storyline" that captivates the hearts of so many.

My hubby and I are cheering for The Little Couple as they seek to share their experiences, and love adopting special needs children whom they already LOVE long before they have ever met them.

Isn't Will ADORABLE???

After raising our special-needs-adopted-half-bio-sibling-group to (what is appearing to be their RADtypical) adulthood, my hubby and I are enjoying fond memories of the early adoptive years while watching the enthusiasm, the wonder, the joy, the adventure of building their family through adoption... This couple reminds us of our younger selves... eager to share every good thing with their children, whom they are eager to meet, but have already committed to love from the bottom of their hearts, and care for with all the means they have.

It seems like this exceedingly intelligent couple is somewhat knowledgeable about Attachment Disorder.  I've heard it mentioned a few times as I watch.   I cringe a bit... as brilliant, professional Dr. Mom proclaims that with some children adopted out of similar circumstances attachment could be a problem, but it's obvious because their son has been so quickly affectionate with them he CLEARLY has no attachment issues.  Hmmm...

At the same time, I don't want to for a minute awaken them from this dreamy wonderland where their hearts are truly overflowing as their family expands with one, and soon, two already beloved children. As I watch, I'm hopeful, prayerful, that it will be different for them than it has been for us.   I want them to have the beautiful years... I just don't want RAD to come crashing into their happily ever after.

After all, how can the cuddly affection of "our new" child be a sign of an attachment issue? (Any "expert" that doubts the sincerity of this heaven-sent little angel's affection MUST be a quack!!! ...right?)

Anyone who hasn't really experienced Reactive Attachment Disorder... will NEVER fully understand.

Children ARE absolutely a delight... and what a blessing it is to have them, to love them, to raise them.  Almost any parent knows how quickly we'd sacrifice ourselves to prevent our beloved children from experiencing the slightest pains.    As real parents we find out there's almost never an option for us to bear our child's hurts instead of watching them suffer.

Adoptive children come to us with a long history of pain that we simply cannot-no-matter-how-much-we-want-to take for them.  Often our children have lived through  the horrors (whatever they may have been) that has caused them to be separated from their "first family" and we simply could not have protected them... usually we were not there. 

In reality, if the adopted child had been fully protected they never would have lost their first family... and however many caregivers filled the gap until adoptive family could raise them.

For the adopted child, adoption is always loss.

However the first family was "lost" there is always the "knowledge" to the core of their being they don't belong.  I've read in Nancy Verrier's   Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up   the concept that the mirror "betrays" the adopted child... and even though it's not politically correct to discuss the ways an adopted child genetically is very different from the family they are adopted into, the child has this sense to the core that they don't "really" belong.  That phenomenon is no reflection what-so-ever of how much parents want, love, care for the adopted child... but it can be mis-percieved by the adoptee to be "evidence" of how the adopted parent's never accepted, loved, cared for, the adopted child.

In chatting with various adult adoptees, I've found the sentiment of not "feeling" like they belong to be quite present... and I've recommended Verrier's book as a good place to explore issues quite common to adopted adults. 

I've recently had the opportunity to meet and work alongside a senior citizen adoptee... adopted out of an American orphanage... back when orphanages was where orphaned children were cared for in these United States, until adoption.

I've heard those who have benefited from this personable-service-driven-adult-adoptee's dedication and diligent labors comment how "he's always told us we are his family."

*Sigh*

I've not had the opportunity to ask what his relationship is/was like with his adoptive family after he reached adulthood.

As I continue to strive to understand all that is going on in the hearts and minds of our adoptees, I continue to meet and speak with adoptees of all ages... the one common thread I see is... regardless of age, there appears to be a lifelong effort to continually try to define and redefine who their "REAL" family is... because it appears it remains a life-long struggle for the individuals who I've had the privilege of speaking with.

I also am privileged to share strength and hope with other adoptive parents.

One delightful dedicated adoptive momma who was instructing me how critical it is for ALL adopted individuals to maintain ties to birth family... yeah, I'm not a fan of cookie cutter answers... I'm thrilled that appears to be working in her circumstances, but in reality she's still in the thick of it all... her kids are young.  She got a bit quiet when I told her our placed for adoption-daughter, disrupted to be with her-not their bio-father,  was murdered at 18 years old during a visit to our kid's birth mom.

There's no cookie cutter solution, no One-Size-Fits-All answers.  I can't pretend for a minute to know what's best.  If anyone had asked me during the "Beautiful Years" I'd have sworn I was indeed an expert. 

Meanwhile... I watch the adoption storylines on tv, Reality-television, and scripted shows... The Little Couple, Giuliana and Bill, Gene Simmons' Family, Patty Stanger, Parenthood, etc etc etc... with great interest, amazed how optimistic I remain, as so many adoption storied unfold on TV through reality and scripted television shows. 

I can't say for a minute I'd want my family's story on TV, but I've found great strength and encouragement through the blogs of awesome adoptive parents...

While I'd never wish the suffering related to RAD on any family, I'm so-very-grateful to know we're not alone in the adventures of loving our adoptees, despite how the pain of their Attachment Disorder continues to hurt them and us. 

RAD on TV

Ha ha ha,

I saw this commercial for Daisy Sour Cream, and in it parents are visiting another family, and the mom asks, "What's our son doing in the Bennet family portrait?"

"What's our Son Doing in the Bennet Family portrait?"

Without missing a beat I said "He's got RAD!"

Hubby and I laughed hard.

Gee if only we had known it was the sour cream!

Hope you are all well!!!

Love Blocked, Healing the Adopted Heart

Patty Stanger's show the "Millionaire Matchmaker" is one of my not-so-secret-anymore television indulgences. 

I don't tune in regularly... but occasionally, when Bravo is running a string of her episodes back to back on a day I've chosen to spend too much time hugging the couch, I really enjoy tuning in. 

I'm a huge fan of love.  I love to pray for people to find "the one" and I love weddings! 

I fell in love with my high school sweetheart... married my prom date... this year my sweetie and I celebrate 30 years of wedded bliss that had it's first sparks oh-so many years ago in a 1980's roller disco.  Spandex, big hair, and the love of my life.   

It turns out Patty is adopted.  I've been impressed with how seemingly well adjusted she is, how successful she is in business.  I'm impressed, but not surprised.  As I've been trying to understand our adult-adoptees' choices, I've read LOTS about adopted adults.  I've read that many adoptees go on to do very well in their business lives, and tend to be kind of loners with a long string of short or shallow relationships in their personal lives.   

On Patty's show, as she's searched for information about her birth parents, she talks about feeling "blocked" from love, and she believes it has something to do with being adopted.  She's taken bold and public steps to heal that blockage.  So very good for you Patty!!!!!!

I'm guessing Patty probably doesn't have Reactive Attachment Disorder, however, I'm not surprised to hear that "adoption issues" still plague her as an adult. 

The same things I pray for our own adoptees, I'm praying for Patty.  I pray her wounded heart heals... I pray she can find Love, I believe Love has presented Itself to her many times throughout her life... I pray she will heal to the point where she can believe there really is Love out there for herself... I pray she will work to heal the wounds that lie and tell her she is unworthy of Love. 

I'm grateful for Patty, and other brave adoptees who share what their perception of life is like for them on the adult side of their life's journey as an adopted child... 

Adoption in the Media

Has anyone seen the recent Gene Simmon's Family Jewels adoption episodes? 

The family struggled through a series of episodes with the decision of whether to adopt or not. 

I think most adoptive parents expect adoptees to EVENTUALLY become reciprocally loving members of a loving family unit.

As abused as we continue to be in our relationship with our adoptees, I would love to see media present adoption in a realistic light. 

YES these kids need families. 

YES these kids need homes. 

YES it is a HUGE commitment (not only to 18... but a life long commitment to the concept of "forever "family")

YES it is a BIG decision... and YES the whole family should be on-board.  (I'm grateful this tremendous decision was not broadcast as the theme of one half-hour broadcast within the series)

I'm grateful that Shannon is committed to make a difference in the lives of kids who need help. 

I would love for the world to become aware of the "issues common to adopted individuals."  Specifically Attachment issues... the effects of stress/trauma/drug-alcohol exposure to the young developing mind... Reactive Attachment Disorder.  

I would have loved for the Tweed-Simmons' counselor to have explained how an adoptive relationship is different... the "issues" the dangers... the fact that reciprocal love is not always available from children who have been exposed to early traumas.... regardless of how nurturing and maternally gifted a mother might be.