This is a lengthy reply I posted on Serious Moms most recent blog.
http://www.seriousmoms.com/2011/11/01/looking-at-the-adopted-twins-case-from-a-rad-moms-point-of-view/
Like you Serious Moms, I don’t know one single specific about the twins nor the parents in question, nor that family’s situation… (except what the media broadcasts)
BUT…
I do know RAD.
Our adopted children have SERIOUS issues that were caused long before we ever knew them.
Anyone who has ever raised a baby of their own would NEVER want that child to go through what ours did before we knew them… even IF they could be GUARANTEED their own child would experience zero instances of abuse, neglect and trauma.
No parent would want their sweet baby to experience the multiple broken attachments alone.
I’m just talking about the oh-so-many “new family” or “new caretaker” transitions!
Hey, judgmental media-world… if we were talking about YOUR baby that you grew inside of you…
You know the baby that you were careful about how you ate, how you exercised, how you slept…
The baby that you toughed-out colds un-medicated for because you were concerned what over-the-counter cough syrup might do to your precious beloved growing child…
The baby you and your partner did all the things good parents do when they are joyfully expecting their very-much-wanted bundle of joy…
SUPPOSE then your sweet baby (for no reason at all) simply needed to move to another AWESOME-in-every-way “new family” at 21 months… then another AWESOME new family 3 months later, and was moved again, and again and again… to ONLY completely AWESOME-tender-loving-attentive-devoted families… and was moved AGAIN, and again and again every three months… until at age six… at which time your sweet beautiful child was “freed” for adoption, and adopted by yet another AWESOME-in-every-way “new family” who met your beautiful-now-six-year-old for the very first time.
Do you think it REMOTELY possible that YOUR sweet angel-faced-baby-doll that carries your DNA that you yourself incubated with only the best of everything within your own body MIGHT develop a serious issue or two in the process of not having even one consistent caregiver?
IF the ONLY maltreatment your-sweet-child ever had experienced were the frequent moves to only AWESOME-tender-loving-attentive-devoted families, WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE that the way your child thinks, acts and interacts with others MIGHT be affected?
Now for the sake of imagination… let’s throw into the mix absentee, or multiple “sperm donors” that only wanted a thrill of a moment and NEVER wanted the child created by his “passions.”
Do you think being “abandoned”, or “unwanted” by JUST ONE biological parent MIGHT possibly cause any child “angst” and hatred toward an only-loving and ever-present bio-parent at any level?
What about a child whose loving doting bio-parent desires to parent the child to adulthood, but for whatever reason their life is snuffed short causing that parent to be absent for much of the child’s childhood… Might a child in that circumstance EVER act out in anger against the loving-devoted parent who remains?
(It seems people in our culture can easily understand a child’s stance against “the step” parent. Why does it seem so difficult for the public-at-large to consider it might be possible for a child’s “anti-parent” campaign efforts to be doubled in a situation where neither parent is the “biological” one? )
Now, lets throw into the mix the hard-core realities that get kids removed from their parent’s care… hunger, stresses of an unwanted pregnancy, prenatal exposure to vast amounts of illegal drugs and alcohol, abuse, neglect, violence, a genetic predisposition to mental illness… etc etc etc…
How about now? MIGHT those experiences POSSIBLY affect even the sweetest child’s disposition?
Forget disposition… how would any the above circumstances affect a child’s brain development and mental health?
Reactive Attachment Disorder IS real… It IS NOT the child’s fault they are behaving the way they do… They only attack the ones they feel closest too! They behave with perfect charm and deception with those they cannot trust because they perceive them as too gullible, too easily manipulated, they may feign deep love and instant attachment to complete strangers, and easily manipulated adults… think about the above examples… “instant attachment” and manipulation is how they felt safe and learned to survive through the multiple traumas of early childhood!
We never needed to lock food, our kids didn’t binge and hoard… but they did frequently complain to anyone who would look at them that they hadn’t eaten ANYTHING… ALL DAY!
Their eyes their words their demeanor would scream “save me” because according to their clock of early life it was “time” for a new family! What is this “forever family” thing? Three months is the longest they’d ever had…
To echo Serious Moms’ questions…
How would YOU handle an insatiable child who binged eating EVERYTHING to the point of vomiting any time they came near food?
(The twins in question are reportedly skinny. One source reports them as “underweight” I know many people with an awesome metabolism. My own brother could eat and eat and eat and eat and remained stick skinny. I would eat half the amount he consumed and and have always remained chunky. There can also be a number of eating disorders that the children may or may not have… like Serious Moms… I do not know the specific details of this case. )
We didn’t need to remove electricity from the room to keep our children safe.
What would you do if your angel-faced-teen was endangering only himself by “playing with” electrical outlets every time he was unsupervised?
What would you do if your angel faced 8 year-old was endangering herself AND the whole family by sticking things in the sockets?
To those who are so very judgmental… I’ll tell you what…
Approach ANY adoption agency and ask to adopt a sibling group of children that were severely traumatized between conception and three years old… Try and request siblings who have a severe case of Reactive Attachment Disorder.
Open your hearts and your home to them…
Give them the absolute best you can…
We’ll talk after the “honeymoon” period ends.
See, even though our family has been horribly abused by our RAD adoptees… I’m still pro-adoption.
I want to see these kids succeed.
I want to see the families who have literally sacrificed everything for these precious children succeed.
As long as the judgmental folks are wagging their finger and flapping their gums about something they have absolutely no first-hand experience about… I’d say they have too much time on their hands.
Open your hearts and your homes to adoption… after all November is Adoption Awareness Month!
