Out of the Blue She Brings Up Adoption

Can you believe there are friends who don't know we've adopted?  

Man.

For a while there it seemed the "common issues" of adopting traumatized children out of fostercare would forever be all consuming.

Life does go on.

I was chatting with a friend recently.

Innocently she brought up how a newly adopted child she knew was FLOURISHING in the new family... how she hoped the child appreciates all the sacrifices this kind hearted family has made to positively impact this young life pulled out of a dung heap.

I got misty-eyed.  Not at all a big ugly cry kind of thing.  Just misty.

My friend asked if I was okay.  Had she offended me?  If I ever need to talk... Etc.

I told her my heart breaks for that family.  I told her it turns out there's many adoption related issues that arise when children are adopted out of trauma. Yes, indeed the child's life has been positively impacted.  Yes the child needed to be taken out of the dung heap.  Yes indeed the new family's sacrifices are worthwhile and making a remarkably tremendous positive impact in the child's previously traumatic life... But unfortunately it's quite likely the child will grow up to despise the family that will lavish love health and healing in that child's direction for the rest of their days.

My friend looked at me with a puzzled expression.

You know we adopted a special needs sibling group... Right?  

She honestly had no idea.

I explained our adoptees' "special needs" are mostly psychological resulting from their traumatic origin.  All adults now.  All doing far better in adulthood than their family of origin... Well... All Except for one...   It's a long story.

Sorry, yes, I do agree the child is flourishing. That family is really blessing that child.

Just Giving Them the Love You Don't

Can you not see, that with your good intentions, you are actually hurting our children?!

Beautiful Orlando Moms

This past weekend I got to see the most beautiful moms in all the world as they gathered to support and encourage each other in their experiences parenting traumatized children.

Oh these weekends make my heart sing!!!!

TV Adoption Storylines

Last night NBC's "Parenthood" storyline had the troubled (not his fault) adopted child call 911 to make false allegations of abuse against his adoptive parents.

Knowing how this plays out in real life for our family... and other adoptive families... TV made it neat and clean and wrapped it up nicely before the hour was up...

Regardless... I'm grateful the topic is covered.

As I've been pondering today how to address last night's show on my blog... what to write, how to say it, a few things popped into my mind about TV adoption storylines...

They don't really address the "honeymoon period" of a newly placed child...

but I get it... tv is not real life... it can't possibly capture and accurately portray in an hour what takes a lifetime to live.  I'm still so grateful the topic is covered.

I also pondered that you don't often see "ongoing" adoption "issues"  in media portrayals of adoption.  I wonder if that is partially our fault as adoptive parents...  yes, adoption REALLY makes kids REALLY a part of our families.  YES, adoption makes our family REALLY OUR FAMILY.

But I'm finding... there ARE "adoption issues" ... lifelong it seems... adoption issues.  It makes sense to talk about it, write about it, inform people about it.  The subject seems to be quite taboo. 

Today I wonder if we, adoptive parents, who keep on insisting that adoption is natural, and good, and a REAL way to build a family stifles the "political correctness" of addressing the reality of REAL LIFE-LONG "adoption issues."  

I do believe that adoption is natural, and good, and a real way to build a family... but there ARE adoption issues... life long adoption issues... and perhaps once upon a time I was offended that anyone might infer there are differences in the experience of families that have children born into it and families that have children adopted into it. 

I can't help but wonder if our "taboo" mentality figures "Maybe if we keep on insisting that pointing out, noticing, discussing common life-long issues regarding adoption is offensive 'the issues' will go away ?"

Meanwhile... today... however inaccurate, or slightly skewed from our reality... I'm so very grateful that adoption issues are better addressed in entertainment media today than the adoption stories of yester-year where after the child finds the family they need to love them they all live "happily ever after". 

I'm grateful the ability to talk about "adoption issues" is taking bolder and bolder steps out of the shame-filled shadows of not being politically correct.

I feel the need to mention, I am still hoping for our family's adoption "happily ever after."

Blowing Up the Bridge

"Blowing Up the Bridge:
This can be a helpful image for parents to remember to protect themselves from being set up for repeated  disappointment and frustration.

It works like this. Think of yourselves and your AD child  on opposite banks of a river with the goal being to bridge the river.

While the idea of “meeting halfway” seems the obvious plan, this can be a trap/mistake with many AD children. 

Why?
Your child has some success maybe a few good days at school or some unusually good behavior at home.

As parents, your hopes begin to rise, and you start walking out on the bridge to meet and congratulate your child. After you have gotten out on the bridge, your child “blows it up” with some new misbehavior that wipes out the previous spark of success.

Everyone winds up “in the river”.

You are feeling disappointed / frustrated / angry / betrayed.

Your AD child is feeling empowered: “Ha! I got them again.”

In order to avoid handing your child the power to disappoint you, you should stay on your side of the river and communicate your expectation that your child build the bridge all the way across with some reliable, real change.

You offer heartfelt congratulations only when your child steps off the bridge onto your side of the river.

It’s a matter of disciplined patience and timing on the parents’ part.

Your therapist can guide you in deciding when the child has accomplished sufficient change to be acknowledged"

The above passage is from an article

found in entirety at 

http://q87.com/rad/rad.synopsis.pdf

Author is not identified.  

I would LOVE to give credit where credit is due!!!  

(formatting, font size, boldness etc is mine)

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We have LIVED this over and over again.  We have learned through EXPERIENCE that we need to have compliance or we ALL will be devastated when "mid-bridge" our RADs bring out the "explosives."

We are not safe on the bridge with our RADkids.

"The Bridge" is a journey our kids need to make on their own... 

for the sake of their own mental health.  

Our "failure" as loving parents to "meet our kids halfway"
when correcting their RAD behaviors

has been perceived by some 

(ignorant of the complexities of RAD) 

to be "evidence" of

poor parenting at best 

and

"abuse" at absolute worst.