I have always loved caring for children.
I studied Early Child Development at a large university.
Before I had children, I worked at a Day Care Center... and I was so very grateful to have my first baby "come to work" with me!
In caring for other people's children, I'd noticed a theme... I call it the "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome.
Of course the bulk of children I'd cared for had all been very well cared for by loving/attentive parents who would strive to provide the very best for their precious children.
I'd giggle quietly to myself as each mommy would explain in great detail precisely how her baby needed his butt wiped, his food cut, to be burped after every two ounces of formula. One mommy was concerned her daughter was outgrowing all the beautiful baby dresses friends had given. Mommy packed four beautiful brand new outfits a day and NEEDED me to change her princess into those outfits during the 8 hours she was in my care every day M-F. I'd always heed mommy's advice... well, except I probably slacked on the 2-hour costume change request! Ha ha! That was over 30 years ago... the child very distinct name. I just peeked at FB and she's out there... all grown up... but has privacy set so her profile picture is hidden. I wonder if she has grown up to be the fashion diva her mommy wanted her to be.
Anyway... I noticed this "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in pretty much every parent I had encountered. It's normal. Some parents are more ferocious about that quality than others. I'm not offended when I encounter it from the mom of a child I care for. I've noticed the syndrome in myself.
When my then childless baby sister (2nd to youngest of 7 kids) began working daycare, she'd be quite devastated by the "critiques" of the mom's she'd encounter in the line of work. "Do they realize how many diapers I've changed? Don't they think I know what I'm doing?????!!!!!" I'd encourage her to relax, it's not personal... it's "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome.
Well years have passed, and Sis has been a mommy for almost 6 years now... and from time to time she shares frustrations about how her children's teacher's, babysitters, caregivers are FAILING her children by failing to heed her parental wisdom. When that happens I get to talk my sis down memory lane about how she felt being criticized by parents experiencing "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... it's not personal, and if we want them to heed our advice, the less obnoxious we are in presenting "our advice" the more receptive our child's caregiver will be to oblige and think sweet thoughts about our little angels in their care.
As I mentioned earlier MOST of the children in my care have only had nurturing, attentive, wonderful care.
Back in Day Care days there were a couple of kids in sad situations. Two with regularly drunken dads, and one child was one confirmed victim of repeated child-abuse by mommy's boyfriend.... social services was involved and would visit the school from time to time to update reports, or follow up on new claims. During one visit to the school, I flat-out asked the social worker "how can you allow this child to keep returning home where he gets cigarette burns up and down all four of his limbs and gets bruises the size of his body?!!!!!!" The social worker replied "we like to keep families together! ... and it's not the mom who is hurting the child, it's the boyfriend." ACK!!!!
Best case scenario is usually "Ain't nobody a better mommy for a baby than bio mom" ... in MOST cases.
Sometimes intervention is needed.
Two (almost three) of our children became ours because intervention was needed.
I've heard a lot of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" advice from a lot of mommies over the years.
The day our "foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" moved into our home the advice we got from "suddenly retiring after having our foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" foster parents was... "You won't need to spend a lot on groceries! They don't eat much. The girls ONLY eat mashed potatoes. The boy ONLY drinks Orange Juice in a bottle."
We didn't even try to follow that advice! It did not seem nurturing, nor loving, nor wise. Our family pediatrician said "no more juice, it's better for him to eat his fruit than drink it" and encouraged us to not feel guilty about withholding mashed potatoes... just keep on presenting "healthy options" they will eat. We did, and they did. But oh, there was charm, and stubbornness, and triangulation, and testing.
I recognized in myself the potential for "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... but this situation was different... my position was more... "justified."
When the "helpful advice" was given, I hadn't yet been introduced to Reactive Attachment Disorder. I felt justified in my "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... I was GLAD that foster couple had decided to "retire." (I secretly wondered if they had been "forced" to retire.) Certainly my brand new "babies" (ages 2.5, a week from 6, and 13) had OBVIOUSLY NOT been "nurtured" for the three months they were in that couple's care.
Then we got to see the united front the three half-bio-siblings put up to "fight" us on their "dietary needs." Woah... it was hard to blame the old couple for not having the fortitude to maintain the battle.
The retired couple wanted to visit. We invited them to come. First words out of "Mama L"'s mouth was how thin our son had gotten since they had cared for him.Her words blatantly oozed "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me!" In our care our son had grown into the "average" zone for height and weight. If you read a touch of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in that sentence... good eye... 'cause it's there!
I've tempered my judgment of our children's prior foster couple with understanding of how exactly "strong willed" our new kids were... combined with the knowledge that all moms tend to believe "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" ...even if "our babies" are only "ours" for a short period of time. I know from working in schools it's tough to see "my kids" from "my classroom" move up to the next grade. Caring for children... really caring for children... then letting them go, more than tugs at my heartstrings. Even in classroom settings my hope has always been as I let go that the people that have "my" students next will be as caring, as nurturing, as I had been.
Fast Forward 17.5 years post-adopting RAD.
I understand RAD more and more as I view Parenting RAD through the rear-view mirror.
Our Adult RAD kids have RADtypically triangulated gullible people to become their "new mommies and daddies." Those people believe about our kids "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me."
Only the "babies" they claim have never been theirs.
They blame us for our children's problems... Kinda like we blamed the retiring foster couple Mr and Mrs "Momma L" who had our kids three months before they moved into our home.
Our "officially diagnosed" RAD had 17 foster families/failed adoption placements before she came home to us. Her problems have nothing to do with Mr and Mrs "Momma L." Her problems have nothing to do with us.
Our Adult RADkid's RADtypically triangulated rescuers don't understand... like we didn't understand... the problems our children have began loooooong before we ever knew them... and long before they spent three months with Mr and Mrs "Momma L."
I studied Early Child Development at a large university.
Before I had children, I worked at a Day Care Center... and I was so very grateful to have my first baby "come to work" with me!
In caring for other people's children, I'd noticed a theme... I call it the "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome.
Of course the bulk of children I'd cared for had all been very well cared for by loving/attentive parents who would strive to provide the very best for their precious children.
I'd giggle quietly to myself as each mommy would explain in great detail precisely how her baby needed his butt wiped, his food cut, to be burped after every two ounces of formula. One mommy was concerned her daughter was outgrowing all the beautiful baby dresses friends had given. Mommy packed four beautiful brand new outfits a day and NEEDED me to change her princess into those outfits during the 8 hours she was in my care every day M-F. I'd always heed mommy's advice... well, except I probably slacked on the 2-hour costume change request! Ha ha! That was over 30 years ago... the child very distinct name. I just peeked at FB and she's out there... all grown up... but has privacy set so her profile picture is hidden. I wonder if she has grown up to be the fashion diva her mommy wanted her to be.
Anyway... I noticed this "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in pretty much every parent I had encountered. It's normal. Some parents are more ferocious about that quality than others. I'm not offended when I encounter it from the mom of a child I care for. I've noticed the syndrome in myself.
When my then childless baby sister (2nd to youngest of 7 kids) began working daycare, she'd be quite devastated by the "critiques" of the mom's she'd encounter in the line of work. "Do they realize how many diapers I've changed? Don't they think I know what I'm doing?????!!!!!" I'd encourage her to relax, it's not personal... it's "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome.
Well years have passed, and Sis has been a mommy for almost 6 years now... and from time to time she shares frustrations about how her children's teacher's, babysitters, caregivers are FAILING her children by failing to heed her parental wisdom. When that happens I get to talk my sis down memory lane about how she felt being criticized by parents experiencing "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... it's not personal, and if we want them to heed our advice, the less obnoxious we are in presenting "our advice" the more receptive our child's caregiver will be to oblige and think sweet thoughts about our little angels in their care.
As I mentioned earlier MOST of the children in my care have only had nurturing, attentive, wonderful care.
Back in Day Care days there were a couple of kids in sad situations. Two with regularly drunken dads, and one child was one confirmed victim of repeated child-abuse by mommy's boyfriend.... social services was involved and would visit the school from time to time to update reports, or follow up on new claims. During one visit to the school, I flat-out asked the social worker "how can you allow this child to keep returning home where he gets cigarette burns up and down all four of his limbs and gets bruises the size of his body?!!!!!!" The social worker replied "we like to keep families together! ... and it's not the mom who is hurting the child, it's the boyfriend." ACK!!!!
Best case scenario is usually "Ain't nobody a better mommy for a baby than bio mom" ... in MOST cases.
Sometimes intervention is needed.
Two (almost three) of our children became ours because intervention was needed.
I've heard a lot of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" advice from a lot of mommies over the years.
The day our "foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" moved into our home the advice we got from "suddenly retiring after having our foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" foster parents was... "You won't need to spend a lot on groceries! They don't eat much. The girls ONLY eat mashed potatoes. The boy ONLY drinks Orange Juice in a bottle."
We didn't even try to follow that advice! It did not seem nurturing, nor loving, nor wise. Our family pediatrician said "no more juice, it's better for him to eat his fruit than drink it" and encouraged us to not feel guilty about withholding mashed potatoes... just keep on presenting "healthy options" they will eat. We did, and they did. But oh, there was charm, and stubbornness, and triangulation, and testing.
I recognized in myself the potential for "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... but this situation was different... my position was more... "justified."
When the "helpful advice" was given, I hadn't yet been introduced to Reactive Attachment Disorder. I felt justified in my "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... I was GLAD that foster couple had decided to "retire." (I secretly wondered if they had been "forced" to retire.) Certainly my brand new "babies" (ages 2.5, a week from 6, and 13) had OBVIOUSLY NOT been "nurtured" for the three months they were in that couple's care.
Then we got to see the united front the three half-bio-siblings put up to "fight" us on their "dietary needs." Woah... it was hard to blame the old couple for not having the fortitude to maintain the battle.
The retired couple wanted to visit. We invited them to come. First words out of "Mama L"'s mouth was how thin our son had gotten since they had cared for him.Her words blatantly oozed "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me!" In our care our son had grown into the "average" zone for height and weight. If you read a touch of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in that sentence... good eye... 'cause it's there!
I've tempered my judgment of our children's prior foster couple with understanding of how exactly "strong willed" our new kids were... combined with the knowledge that all moms tend to believe "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" ...even if "our babies" are only "ours" for a short period of time. I know from working in schools it's tough to see "my kids" from "my classroom" move up to the next grade. Caring for children... really caring for children... then letting them go, more than tugs at my heartstrings. Even in classroom settings my hope has always been as I let go that the people that have "my" students next will be as caring, as nurturing, as I had been.
Fast Forward 17.5 years post-adopting RAD.
I understand RAD more and more as I view Parenting RAD through the rear-view mirror.
Our Adult RAD kids have RADtypically triangulated gullible people to become their "new mommies and daddies." Those people believe about our kids "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me."
Only the "babies" they claim have never been theirs.
They blame us for our children's problems... Kinda like we blamed the retiring foster couple Mr and Mrs "Momma L" who had our kids three months before they moved into our home.
Our "officially diagnosed" RAD had 17 foster families/failed adoption placements before she came home to us. Her problems have nothing to do with Mr and Mrs "Momma L." Her problems have nothing to do with us.
Our Adult RADkid's RADtypically triangulated rescuers don't understand... like we didn't understand... the problems our children have began loooooong before we ever knew them... and long before they spent three months with Mr and Mrs "Momma L."
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