Adoption in the Media

Has anyone seen the recent Gene Simmon's Family Jewels adoption episodes? 

The family struggled through a series of episodes with the decision of whether to adopt or not. 

I think most adoptive parents expect adoptees to EVENTUALLY become reciprocally loving members of a loving family unit.

As abused as we continue to be in our relationship with our adoptees, I would love to see media present adoption in a realistic light. 

YES these kids need families. 

YES these kids need homes. 

YES it is a HUGE commitment (not only to 18... but a life long commitment to the concept of "forever "family")

YES it is a BIG decision... and YES the whole family should be on-board.  (I'm grateful this tremendous decision was not broadcast as the theme of one half-hour broadcast within the series)

I'm grateful that Shannon is committed to make a difference in the lives of kids who need help. 

I would love for the world to become aware of the "issues common to adopted individuals."  Specifically Attachment issues... the effects of stress/trauma/drug-alcohol exposure to the young developing mind... Reactive Attachment Disorder.  

I would have loved for the Tweed-Simmons' counselor to have explained how an adoptive relationship is different... the "issues" the dangers... the fact that reciprocal love is not always available from children who have been exposed to early traumas.... regardless of how nurturing and maternally gifted a mother might be.

Adoption "Thank You"

I'm in a location where access is limited. I don't know if I've blogged on this topic already or not. It has been brewing a long time

When dear hubby and I went for pre-adoption training, the instructor explained the varety of tragic circumstances that preceed voluntary and involuntary TPR (termination of parental rights) then asked "do you expect a child who has lost everyone important to them to thank you for adopting them?"

In that class my heart broke for all the innocent hurting children in the world. I did not expect a hurting innocent child to say "thank you" for us welcoming them into our hearts and home.

Fast forward 18 years. This month it is 18 years since our family of three overnight became a family of six. It has been eighteen years where three of the six have given the very best of everything we have to offer, most valuable of all; our hearts. (So verysadly, the oldest of the newest three was only with us three months before she ended up being placed for adoption by her-not-their bio dad. She was murdered 5 years later when at 18 she visited her-and-our adopteds' bio-mom.)

I realize that the age appropriate season of detachment as young adults has reawakened so many of our adoptees' abandonment issues. Issues that sadly has scarred them it seems for the duration of this side of eternity they will bear those painful scars regardless of the many years where it truly appeared our newest children walked in mental health.

I keep finding myself expecing if not the words "Thank you", at least a resemlance of an attitude of gratitude.

Surely by now they must realize WE are not the source of their deep wounds. Their illness certainly causes damage to the "cause and effect reasoning" part of their brain. But the cause and effect reasoning part of their brains are not COMPLETELY BROKEN!!!

We've equipped them to deal with the HUGE feelings associated with the HUGE TRAUMAS they experienced befoe we ever met them.

We've taught them how to accept responsibility when their actions have hurt others.

We've taught them how to say and mean "I'm sorry."


We've taught them how to say "Thank you!"


We three who have provided only health, hears healing and love have been the targets of the two that remain's illness inspired lies and manipulations.

Parenting RAD From a Distance

 Love, laughter and fun abounds in my life, and I am so very grateful. 

I always feel like "this is not the place to share that kind of stuff... I'm here to talk about my experience and hope in parenting RAD adoptees." 

Please don't misunderstand...
As a parent with estranged RAD adult adoptees I DO have my share of heartache.  

HOWEVER... I also have tremendous joy!!!

For some reason, as an empty nester, married to the love of my life, having raised  a healthy-capable-of-reciprocating-parental-love-biologically-originated-from-us-adult-child who brings us joy on so many levels, my blogging life for almost three years has pretty much denied her existence. 

My blog reading and blog writing (much of my cyber-life as a matter of fact... since RADs attacked) has primarily revolved around trying to understand our adult RADs who, after appearing healthy for so many years, together experienced such major regressions in the process of embarking into their adult lives and have not yet become healthy enough to enjoy our company. 

I hurt for our adoptees.                               

I hurt from our adoptees.

But the reality is love and joy abound daily in my life on so many  other levels. 

The reality is love also abounds from my husband, our oldest daughter, and myself to our adult adoptees... they are not healthy enough to receive it.  

Yet.

I've longed and needed a place where I can share the fullness of my joys without restraint.  I don't want to feel badly for reveling in the love, enjoyment and successes I DO enjoy from day-to-day. 

I've created that space where I can let the Beauty that surrounds my life abound without restraint.

You're welcome to join me any time you'd like!

http://hedgedinbeauty.blogspot.com/

I'll still post here from time to time... (as I intended to post what worked for us, what didn't etc... and updates if/when they come regarding our estranged adoptees.)  ... as a matter of fact... got one brewing. 

Meanwhile... if you stumble here... pray for us... pray for our family. 
Hubby and I pray regularly for those in the trenches of parenting Reactive Attachment Disordered adoptees and the children who have experienced early traumas not one of us would care to imagine. 

Orlando 2012

RAD

They "get it" in Orlando. 

Not year-round... for a limited time only. 

So very grateful to have been there!

The Not-So-Delicate-Anymore Orchid

The Mother's Day just before RAD melted down, the two (who would just 2 1/2 months later become estranged) gave me a beautiful orchid. 

Shortly after Mother's Day, that beautiful delicate orchid appeared to die off.

It then come back with glorious blooms a couple of times before our RADs had their meltdown. 

I had never owned an orchid, before... had always wanted one...  had heard they were difficult to care for. 
I was amazed in the beginning how so-very-easy this beauty was! 

After our RADs melted-down the orchid went stagnant. 

It looked like it had some life, but no matter what I did, it wasn't thriving and it certainly wasn't giving blossoms. 

I tried to "save" the plant, but tired quickly of investing so much effort caring for something, though once beautiful, that was not giving back. 

I also had much pain looking at a reminder of my adopted children's loving generosity... reminding me of a time that I was blissfully ignorant our beloved adoptees were fast in-the-process of spiraling downward toward a crash that would devastate us all. 

I hate to give up on beautiful living things.  

I hate to give up on ugly living things.  

I hate to give up!

It was simply too painful to continue to care for a gift that reminded me of good times with the ones who have been hurting us so deeply.

I remembered a family friend mentioned her step-mom put a seemingly "expired" orchid in the woven branches of one of their palm trees and it continues to bloom regularly without effort or maintenance. 

Our quasi-tropical environment is a good environment for many living things... I put the non-performing orchid in the shade of our shrubs near the front door.  It would get water with rain and/or the sprinkler system, be protected from the harsh sun, and be out of my direct line of sight from day-to-day. 

Curious I'd peek at it from time-to-time.  If it ever appeared dead... I figured I'd re-use the pot for something else.  It continued to hang in there.  If it had life... I wasn't going to give up on it. 

Until recently, it hasn't exactly thrived... but it didn't die either. 
Our wild bunnies nibbled on it for a while... lol ...the rabbits put a comically big-mouth-shaped bite on one of the plant's two leaves, then it seemed the rabbits didn't care for it so much anymore. 

I've been content letting the delicate orchid live a not-so-delicate life. 

It's been out, on its own, doing its own thing  for about 2 years now...  without much visible progress at all. 

Recently the orchid appears to be near-ready to bloom. It's darker, haggard, not nearly as pristine as it was when it arrived fresh from the green house.  It's sprouted a third leaf... and actually has the potential for blossoms!

Two days ago I noticed a shoot containing buds rising out of the plant ... I checked the external/internal pots for critters (none)  and brought the not-so-delicate-anymore orchid back in.  It looks like the orchid might have ended almost 2 years of stagnation and might just indeed bloom!

I'm hopeful... and encouraged!

I realize this orchid does not have a "spiritual link" to my kids who gifted it to me. 

But... when RAD melted down...
The actions, as parent, that I've had most peace about have been...
praying for them as often as they come to mind...

and

...just letting go of them... 

...allowing them do their own thing....  

                                                ...uninterrupted...
                                                             ...whatever that might be. 

(Like I ever had much choice to do anything else lol!)

I'm hoping... like the orchid... as our two young adult RADs have been doing their own thing for a couple of years now... they'd eventually show signs of health and healing, gain their bearing and blossom into adults strong enough to once more become a beautiful part of our lives.

Hubby reads me an "In Touch" devotional almost nightly. The devotional, linked here, popped up around the same time the orchid showed much progress. It confirms to me letting go of our adultRADkids doesn't, by any means, mean we've given up on them!