Today

is hard.

"Forever Family"

Once upon a time my husband and I dreamed of adoption... all my adoption related dreams were all so-very-happy.

My husband and I were thrilled when our adoption dreams came true!  Sure!!! The early years were difficult!!!  There was a diagnosis in 1995 for our brand new daughter... "Reactive Attachment Disorder with Hypervigilance."  (16 years later and I still almost never find others using the specific wording our 6 year old's psychiatrist MD used to label our new daughter's mental illness...) 
The first three years were CHALLENGING to say the very least, but we were young and so-very-optimistic... and things in our family... in our home became so very beautiful!!!

We had a minimum of 10 beautiful years before the most severe living nightmares began... 

These days I go to sleep... 

I have nightmares 

about our once-upon-a-time

"dream children"...

I wake up... 

the real-life nightmares continues. 

I had nightmares again last night... all dream-sequence-absurdities that so very clearly sum up the real-life nightmare we have been living in the years since our RAD's started approaching "legal adulthood." 

I grieve... such tremendous grief!!!

It is so absurd... because...

I am grieving the living!!!!

I buried the ONLY earthly father I have ever had this year.

.

The ONLY  mother I have ever had is now his widow.

 .

Both are my biological parents.

.

My six biological siblings and I were raised by both of them, together.

.

 Had Dad lived a few more months...

Mom and Dad would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this month. 

                                                           

Dad and I have always had a reciprocal loving relationship.

What a wonderful thing it is 

to be confident in love! 

Dad and I 
have always been 
part of 
a    REAL  
"Forever Family."

In Dad's "last years" our bio-daughter frequently commented with admiration how my Dad was loved and respected by MANY ...and looked up to as a "father figure" to so many fatherless individuals.

 ***

Certainly there is pain and grief regarding loss of my beloved "Daddio" here on earth!

                                                           

Yet,

the pain related to my father's death

is not nearly as 

deep
and as  

cutting

as the depth

of  

pain

and  

grief

related to our adult RADs' "RAD-typical" rejection of us.

"They" 

(adoption promoters) 

PROMISED us 

and our "new" kids that

we would be  

"Forever Family."

My definition of "Family" is directly related to my experiences.  

My kids draw their definition of  "Family" from their experiences. 

I believe one of our biggest problems

in our relationship with our adult adoptees is  

we've had different experiences.

I can't imagine going through life without the foundation of my Mom ALWAYS being my Mom... and my Dad ALWAYS being my Dad. 

I never had my parent's friends... "friends of the family" attempt at ANY LEVEL to "save me" from my biological parents... not from the chores they assigned, nor from the loving and healthy rules they had established for me.  No couple ever offered to become my "new mommy and daddy" once I was over 18.  (not before I was 18 either... not ever!)

We prayerfully hope one-day our RADaffected adoptees will be able to have loving reciprocal relationships.

And while we wait... 

my husband, bio-daughter, and I 

remain heartsick!!!!!!!!!!!!

 .

.

.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
      But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."

-Proverbs 13:12

Our Lovingly Attached and Healthy Bio-child

We are so very blessed to have a lovingly attached and healthy bio-child.  We are so very grateful for her!!!!!!!  As a successful young adult, she lives many states away.  We have managed to enjoy each-others company in-real-life far more frequently than I ever imagined possible with the oh-so-many-miles that separate us!!!!

In-between our awesome visits, our bio-daughter calls and texts regularly.  Her calls are not just "hi/bye" methods of checking in... when she calls she wants to TALK to US. 

She LOVES us!!!

We laugh and have a ton of silly jokes that we share amongst ourselves.  Such delicious silliness based on fun times we've shared together!!!!  In most cases they're "you had to be there" kinds of jokes that keep us giggling for a lonnnnng time afterwards!!!!!

Some days she calls for advice, 

some days she wants to vent,

or run her perspective of options before she finalizes big decisions. 

Some days she calls just 'cause she misses us.

She wants to share with us what's happening in her life.  She loves us. 

Oh what a joy it is to be loved!!!!!

Our bio's most  recent calls have been about how the Lord is surrounding her with people who are asking about her faith and are flat out asking if they can go to church with her.  Our daughter has always been strong in her faith... but has never been "preachy" and she's not ever invited those who are asking... they are asking her.  
Our bio-daughter tells me she doesn't understand how or why people from so many very different parts of her life keep asking her about her faith.  

From our bio-daughter's point of view the years since our young-adult-RADs attacked our loving family have been her worst-ever crisis of faith.  

She could not imagine how the Lord would allow such horrible things to be done to our family... not only by our RADs, but by the "christian" community she grew up in.  

She does recognize the attack by "the church" is not God-ordained.
 
Our bio-daughter sees how the Lord is faithful to His Word...  
giving beauty for ashes.

People from so many different parts of her life keep asking very specific questions to find out more about The Light our bio-daughter carries within... (and shines so very beautifully!!!!!)... even in the midst of RAD inflicted adversity... as very real pain pushes our daughter even more deeply into God's loving-embrace, those witnessing her pain-filled-journey-of-faith are likewise being drawn to her Source of comfort.

A trampled rose 

gives off a the sweetest fragrance. 

"The breaking of the alabaster box and the anointing of the Lord filled the house with the odor, with the sweetest odor. Everyone could smell it. Whenever you meet someone who has really suffered; been limited, gone through things for the Lord, willing to be imprisoned by the Lord, just being satisfied with Him and nothing else, immediately you scent the fragrance. There is a savor of the Lord. Something has been crushed, something has been broken, and there is a resulting odor of sweetness. --Watchman Nee"

Raising RAD With Nothing More Than a Diagnosis

You may already know our "officially diagnosed" RAD was diagnosed RAD before anything was published for parents about the disorder.  She had improved tremendously by the time books began being published... then completely melted down attacking us at age 21... leaving us reeling... wondering what in tarnation was going on.

I have considered many times how very grateful I am (in-part) to have been TOTALLY clueless about the "milder" RAD symptoms that continued to provide subtle evidence that our child was not 100% well...

I'm grateful my ignorance about all that RAD is allowed us to believe that healing was possible, and to have believed healing had indeed happened.

I'm grateful my ignorance allowed me to envision a bright and beautiful future for my adopted children the entire time we were raising them. 

Because of the tremendous progress and healing we witnessed firsthand during the "Ten Beautiful Years" I am able to extend hope for our beloved children's future.   

I continue to hope "one day" they will move past the trauma stepping into "adult life" had reawakened in their hearts and their minds and heal enough to join us once more in a reciprocally loving relationship.

Very Old RADsymptoms Remembered Courtesy of an Old Friend

Ugh... It's been a while...  but I spoke yesterday to the woman who is an adoptive mom to her bio-grandson.  She and her hubby WERE so very supportive OH-so-many-years-ago as we entered the adoption process. 

 Her adopted, and our adopteds have been simultaneously going "through it" as young adults. 

She is jealous that our RADs are in respectable careers... and openly wonders how bad could our kids' condition REALLY be?

I have no clue what diagnosis, if any, her son has.  With her son, this friend has ALWAYS insisted every issue has ALWAYS been everyone else's fault.  Her little angel boy couldn't have possibly been the one who blah blah blah... She regularly camps out in denial. 

She rejoiced, literally did the happy dance, when I first shared our heartache related to our RADadultKids meltdown and attack against us 2 years ago she replied.... "finally!!! Your family has always been so damned perfect!!! It's about time!!!!!!" 

Which to be honest

kinda pissed me off, 

but I get it.  

People who are struggling

with their own children

often find people

w/rainbows and unicorns

coming out of the ass 

annoying.

  I really do get it. 

Yesterday that woman was reminiscing about when our kids were first placed, and reminded me how my adorable 2 1/2 year old son had just been introduced for the VERY first time, HAD NEVER-EVER MET HER EVER BEFORE... AND jumped RIGHT into her arms and asked for a hug and in that moment, our new little son, captured her heart... "forever."  

Did I remember?

Yikes!

Yeah, I kinda sorta did remember her telling everyone that story about our adorable new son... but that was WAYYYY before I realized a child jumping into the arms of a complete stranger IS a key RAD trait!

At the time it didn't strike me as incredibly odd... after all... We were eager to introduce our new kids to our friends and eager for friends and family to welcome our beautiful new children with open arms!!!!!
 
AND... after all she wasn't ANY OLD STRANGER IN THE PARK (like our officially dx'd RAD would run up, to snuggle with, and gleefully skip off with.) 

Yeah...  within the last two years ESPECIALLY... I know our son is RAD... I've suspected "disinhibited" ever since the kid's "conjoined meltdown" ...but apparently there were many signs I didn't even know to recognize back in the day. 


Another point of annoyance in our brief conversation... she was telling me she bumped into her "favorite officer" (our RADdaughter) at the local dance joint.  She was telling me our daughter is doing "SO VERY WELL!!!"  and "You know she CAN'T BE STUPID if she passed police training!!!"

I kept my cool and explained "there is a big difference between stupid and mental illness.  Our daughter has been exhibiting many signs that the mental illness she was diagnosed with when she was first placed with us all those years ago"   

For me, that call was enough "catching up" with that friend for a while... a long long while!