Necessary But Not Enough.

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH

HOPE IS NOT ENOUGH


I believe the first book published for parents parenting RAD kids was  When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD by Nancy Thomas .   Published 2 years after our RAD was officially diagnosed, it was not a resource available to me.  Our officially diagnosed RAD's  behavior began to improve tremendously during her third year in our home (2nd year post-diagnosis.)  I found Nancy Thomas's book in 2009; AFTER our young adult RADkids RADtypically melted down.  I found  Love Is Not Enough during the age-appropriate season for young adults to embark on their adult lives... a season where healthy steps toward healthy detachment stirred up memories of abuse/neglect/abandonment in our young-adult-adopted-children. Abuse/neglect/abandonment that began their life long before entering our loving family.  I instantly remembered the diagnosis "Reactive Attachment Disorder with Hypervigilance" when family member reminded me our children were DEEPLY TROUBLED when they were removed from the foster system and placed in our loving home. 

"Experts" say that RAD can grow into BPD Borderline Personality Disorder.  The little I've read on the subject it appears there IS much behavior BPD's display that parallels RAD.

Investigating the topic more, I began looking for books on the subject. I found When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Bon Dobbs

Love is not enough!                                  

                                 Hope is not enough!

YET...

Both are necessary... 

       FOR ME...

...to carry on!      

Neither have to be reciprocal. 
Although It would be oh-so-nice if they were!

Color me eternally hopeful!

RAD... Conscience IS Possible... Glimmers of Hope!

Our RADdaughter was SURROUNDED by her RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers as she made her false allegations of abuse against us. 

She was surrounded by her RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers as they proclaimed
"IF... what you're saying is true... you must..." 
...report abuse to the police...
...take legal action...
...file an additional order of protection...
...go to the women's shelter and claim YOUR money for the "damages" you encountered as a "victim of domestic violence."

Does that kind of "rescuing" pressure to prove lies are true create an environment that will encourage a mentally ill young adult to "come clean" about their MULTIPLE INTENSE LIES and tell the truth?

No, it does not!

I ACTUALLY SAW our 21 year old RADdaughter  flanked on both sides by her RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers (aka "new mommy and daddy") the day RADdaughter should have been at work...

...the day her insane RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers dragged her instead to file an order of protection against us.    

 I saw them were enjoying breakfast together on the other side of town.

Found it odd... 'cause it was RADdaughter's workday..

a few days later 

the sheriff knocked on our door

presenting the complaint 

which just happened to be dated 

the exact day I saw
RADgirl dining with her rescue rangers.

It turns out...
Our RADdaughter DOES HAVE A CONSCIENCE!!!
Our RADdaughter could not in good conscience keep the money she had claimed from the woman's shelter as a "victim of domestic violence."

I'm CERTAIN
our RADdaughter  
was NOT flanked on ANY side
by a RADtypically-triangulated-rescuer
three months later,
on the day 
she returned the money
she could have EASILY kept...
when she falsely laid claim to it 
by pretending to be SO HORRIBLY ABUSED. 
The fact that our RADdaughter had the ability to admit truth through her action of returning money she could have very easily kept gives me hope!

Hope that ONE DAY

She will be STRONG ENOUGH

To walk alone

or

Surround herself with people

who LOVE her enough 

to encourage her to 

DO THE RIGHT THING, 

confess her lies...

make restitution...

ask for forgiveness...

and 

WALK IN MENTAL HEALTH.

Meanwhile I pray that every time our rookie-officer RAD sees the "silver bracelets" she tried her darnedest to present to her loving parents two years ago this August...
she will know the depths of her parent's love!!!

...in the same way I pray we'd all know the depth of our Savior's love, and the PRICE He lovingly paid for loving us...
every time we see the cross!

RAD nightmares

Many times dreams help us process recent events.  Many times they appear they are nothing more than fluff.

Sometimes dreams are SIGNIFICANT. 

I had a significant dream two weeks ago.  It was a nightmare actually.  Key characters were the entire family portraying "new family" to our RADson.  

The dream involved the entire family messing around in OUR BACK YARD.  

Their dog had bitten, and latched onto our son.  Our son had that family's dog horizontally latched onto his upper thigh yet our son kept INSISTING he was fine, insisting it was "no big deal."

In the dream I was yelling;

"YOU'RE TRESPASSING!  

                 GET OUT OF OUR YARD!  

                        YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!                            

                                 I'M CALLING THE POLICE!  

                                               GET OUT!"  

I awakened... teeth clenched... fight or flight mode...ringing in my mind fresh from my nightmare was:

"YOU'RE TRESPASSING!!!!!"

The first conscious thought I had after realizing it was just a dream was; 

"Forgive us our trespasses, 

as we forgive those who trespass against us!"

Throughout our ordeal, one consistent link to peace is being obedient to God's call to forgive... (it is often the VERY LAST THING I WANT TO DO!!!!)  

I am blessed beyond words as we pray for those who persecute us... to make the decision to forgive even when feelings of unforgiveness rear their ugly head.  Peace begins to flow... 

I studied la-maze when pregnant 25 years ago.

So many years later I find it helpful for so much more than child birth... 

YET, all the zen breathing in the world,

does not restore peace to me

anywhere near the way

the CONSCIOUS

DECISION

TO EXTEND FORGIVENESS

does.

It turns out my RADnightmare was a tad prophetic... 

Yes that family HAS BEEN trespassing, for almost 2 years now!  But additionally, I found out a few days after my bad dream the RADtypicallyTriangulated Rescuers are branching out with new boldness proclaiming our ADULT son as their own in a more public forum.  

They are SO VERY PROUD of the rebellion they have been growing.  

They delight in "playing Savior."

I'm praying "Father, convict them (not condemn them!) so they will stop their harmful behavior... and most importantly... forgive them for they obviously know not what they do!"