For what feels like several months, I believe I've finally reached the stage (post-conjoined meltdown RAD attack against us) where life is going on... pleasantly... and I don't feel the need to blurt adoption stuff to everyone who will listen.
HALLELUIAH!!!!
The nature of my line of work is I can work for months and months without running into a familiar face.
Recently I was working with a new-to-me person... and work was slow.... so before our first official break, we had LOTS of very pleasant "chit chat" opportunities discussing a myriad of various topics... none of them anywhere near adoption.
On our first "official" break... a familiar face approached (an adoptive mom who seemed in the past to blow off our parenting RAD adoptees experiences as irrelevant, uncommon, certainly nowhere near HER perfectly wonderful adoption x3 experiences.) She had-in-hand an article that addressed the only difficulty she had ever before acknowledged that she had encountered in adoption... expense.
With fresh beverages, the three of us sat in our break area... chatting. This adoptive mom was very excited to have this published article explaining the financial difficulties that adoptive families overcome. She was eager for me to read it right then, right there, on my break. I didn't want to read it during my break but I promised I'd look it up online. I told her she might be interested to know our estranged daughter has made contact... wants us to be involved our grandchild's life.
I was surprised when this formerly unsupportive woman replied "Be careful, it's a good start, but it will be a long journey before it's all better." (Wow... I wondered what has transpired in her life to have inspired a more empathetic response to our adoption experience!)
This other Adoptive mom asked if our estranged pregnant daughter had gotten married?
I explained no, this was her first child, his fourth child.... then followed with "...it appears her inability to be in a reciprocally loving relationship has led her to a man with a history of not staying committed."
Insert several repeated "fake coughs" from our silent-in-this-conversation-until-now new-co-worker... followed by an awkwardly proclaimed "I'm adopted."
She went on to explain how she never-ever felt like she belonged to, nor was loved by her adoptive family.
I looked her in the eyes, and let her know she is not alone in her experience... and I could not speak to her family situation, because I knew nothing of it, but I wanted to let her know my husband's and my thoughts and prayers for ALL our children... and the SINCERE AND DEEPLY FELT LOVE we have for ALL our children... and how it breaks our hearts that our adopted kids have so much pain ...that their pain is not their fault... but it's not ours either...
I also talked about books that I've read that address how significant genetic mirroring is... and that adoptees' "not belonging" feeling could be largely based on the "taboo-in-our-society" reality that genetically an adoptee doesn't typically "mirror" anyone in their adoptive family.
In adoptive circles it seems so "taboo" to discuss openly OBVIOUS differences. It seems to be far more Politically Correct to pretend that there are no differences whatsoever between adoptee and adoptive parents.
As my new friend discussed how she always had this feeling she didn't belong... I discussed our culture... and how timid we are to discuss openly the obvious under Political Correctness and "Manners."
I suggested that perhaps the "I don't belong" feeling was not a failure of her adoptive parents to love her... but maybe instead a realization to the core that none of her genetic features that reflected herself back in the mirror were reflected in any of her adoptive family members. The fact that it's seldom, if ever discussed... made to be "no big deal... we have love" might have been exactly what has been screaming at her that she "doesn't belong... never belonged."
My new friend and I talked quite a bit about the adoption thing... She shared with me what it was like with her first bio child... how that re-awakened the abandonment issues... and the "how could they leave me?" question.
On the flip side of our adoptees "conjoined meltdown" with all the knowledge I've acquired while trying to understand what has been driving their hate toward us... I keep wishing to go back in time and prepare my kids for that which "is common to those adopted out of foster care, or orphanages."
Knowing I can't go back... it is my hope to reach forward... to impact positively families traveling parallel paths of adoption out of Early Trauma.
Meanwhile... in my "seldom see the same face twice" line of work... it appears 80%-90% of the people I'm encountering long enough to have conversations with lately are part of adoptive families...
...and for the last several months... I've not been the one bringing up adoption.
It appears my footsteps are ordained.
HALLELUIAH!!!!
The nature of my line of work is I can work for months and months without running into a familiar face.
Recently I was working with a new-to-me person... and work was slow.... so before our first official break, we had LOTS of very pleasant "chit chat" opportunities discussing a myriad of various topics... none of them anywhere near adoption.
On our first "official" break... a familiar face approached (an adoptive mom who seemed in the past to blow off our parenting RAD adoptees experiences as irrelevant, uncommon, certainly nowhere near HER perfectly wonderful adoption x3 experiences.) She had-in-hand an article that addressed the only difficulty she had ever before acknowledged that she had encountered in adoption... expense.
With fresh beverages, the three of us sat in our break area... chatting. This adoptive mom was very excited to have this published article explaining the financial difficulties that adoptive families overcome. She was eager for me to read it right then, right there, on my break. I didn't want to read it during my break but I promised I'd look it up online. I told her she might be interested to know our estranged daughter has made contact... wants us to be involved our grandchild's life.
I was surprised when this formerly unsupportive woman replied "Be careful, it's a good start, but it will be a long journey before it's all better." (Wow... I wondered what has transpired in her life to have inspired a more empathetic response to our adoption experience!)
This other Adoptive mom asked if our estranged pregnant daughter had gotten married?
I explained no, this was her first child, his fourth child.... then followed with "...it appears her inability to be in a reciprocally loving relationship has led her to a man with a history of not staying committed."
Insert several repeated "fake coughs" from our silent-in-this-conversation-until-now new-co-worker... followed by an awkwardly proclaimed "I'm adopted."
She went on to explain how she never-ever felt like she belonged to, nor was loved by her adoptive family.
I looked her in the eyes, and let her know she is not alone in her experience... and I could not speak to her family situation, because I knew nothing of it, but I wanted to let her know my husband's and my thoughts and prayers for ALL our children... and the SINCERE AND DEEPLY FELT LOVE we have for ALL our children... and how it breaks our hearts that our adopted kids have so much pain ...that their pain is not their fault... but it's not ours either...
I also talked about books that I've read that address how significant genetic mirroring is... and that adoptees' "not belonging" feeling could be largely based on the "taboo-in-our-society" reality that genetically an adoptee doesn't typically "mirror" anyone in their adoptive family.
In adoptive circles it seems so "taboo" to discuss openly OBVIOUS differences. It seems to be far more Politically Correct to pretend that there are no differences whatsoever between adoptee and adoptive parents.
As my new friend discussed how she always had this feeling she didn't belong... I discussed our culture... and how timid we are to discuss openly the obvious under Political Correctness and "Manners."
I suggested that perhaps the "I don't belong" feeling was not a failure of her adoptive parents to love her... but maybe instead a realization to the core that none of her genetic features that reflected herself back in the mirror were reflected in any of her adoptive family members. The fact that it's seldom, if ever discussed... made to be "no big deal... we have love" might have been exactly what has been screaming at her that she "doesn't belong... never belonged."
My new friend and I talked quite a bit about the adoption thing... She shared with me what it was like with her first bio child... how that re-awakened the abandonment issues... and the "how could they leave me?" question.
On the flip side of our adoptees "conjoined meltdown" with all the knowledge I've acquired while trying to understand what has been driving their hate toward us... I keep wishing to go back in time and prepare my kids for that which "is common to those adopted out of foster care, or orphanages."
Knowing I can't go back... it is my hope to reach forward... to impact positively families traveling parallel paths of adoption out of Early Trauma.
Meanwhile... in my "seldom see the same face twice" line of work... it appears 80%-90% of the people I'm encountering long enough to have conversations with lately are part of adoptive families...
...and for the last several months... I've not been the one bringing up adoption.
It appears my footsteps are ordained.
