Cleaning Closets, Assigning Prominence to Warm Fuzzies

I'm soooo totally psychedelic-ed that my little niece and nephew (and bro and sis-in-law) will be visiting soon... and for the MANY visits with our oldest despite the miles between us.

We adore them and the feeling is mutual.  Love abounds.  (selah)
Oh, happy sigh, and big smile!!!

I'm prepping the rooms they'll be staying in for their visit... and because summer allows extra project time, I've dug into some projects I'd planned to start... one... cleaning out closets.

At the BOTTOM of one of those closets I've stumbled across all the crappy paperwork from legal proceedings courtesy of our adoptee's false allegations.

There is a BIG part of me that wants to throw all those documents away... but there is a little part of me that wants to keep them... for my sanity.

The details of all the heartache RAD brings to our family are so incredulous... so stranger-than-fiction I want to keep the documentation so I'll know I didn't imagine it all.  

I struggled (about 2 seconds) within myself that holding on to those papers might possibly be a "sign" I've not forgiven our beloved adoptees.

I struggled back with the realization that I've made the DECISION to forgive them, and am diligent to work on FEELINGS of unforgiveness when they arise, continually renewing reaffirming my decision to forgive our adopted children for the pain their illness inflicts on us... and themselves. 

Still... our daughter's a mental illness fights reality... it fights her sanity... her Reactive Attachment Disorder remains the key obstacle in our relationship.

My not-so-little-box of legal documents remind me this RAD nightmare is real... not manufactured by us as our adoptee would insist.

The question is... where can I store them?  Yes, those documents are valuable... they're important, but they don't foster "warm fuzzies."   I'm cleaning out my closet... yes, I'm moving those papers... I won't be loosing those papers.  

I'll be tucking the painful papers away... in a less prominent place and making room for the abundant art abounding with love that our extremely creative oldest daughter, and nieces and nephews continually shower us with. 

Little Couple Adoption

Adoption continues to be a "storyline" that captivates the hearts of so many.

My hubby and I are cheering for The Little Couple as they seek to share their experiences, and love adopting special needs children whom they already LOVE long before they have ever met them.

Isn't Will ADORABLE???

After raising our special-needs-adopted-half-bio-sibling-group to (what is appearing to be their RADtypical) adulthood, my hubby and I are enjoying fond memories of the early adoptive years while watching the enthusiasm, the wonder, the joy, the adventure of building their family through adoption... This couple reminds us of our younger selves... eager to share every good thing with their children, whom they are eager to meet, but have already committed to love from the bottom of their hearts, and care for with all the means they have.

It seems like this exceedingly intelligent couple is somewhat knowledgeable about Attachment Disorder.  I've heard it mentioned a few times as I watch.   I cringe a bit... as brilliant, professional Dr. Mom proclaims that with some children adopted out of similar circumstances attachment could be a problem, but it's obvious because their son has been so quickly affectionate with them he CLEARLY has no attachment issues.  Hmmm...

At the same time, I don't want to for a minute awaken them from this dreamy wonderland where their hearts are truly overflowing as their family expands with one, and soon, two already beloved children. As I watch, I'm hopeful, prayerful, that it will be different for them than it has been for us.   I want them to have the beautiful years... I just don't want RAD to come crashing into their happily ever after.

After all, how can the cuddly affection of "our new" child be a sign of an attachment issue? (Any "expert" that doubts the sincerity of this heaven-sent little angel's affection MUST be a quack!!! ...right?)

Anyone who hasn't really experienced Reactive Attachment Disorder... will NEVER fully understand.

Children ARE absolutely a delight... and what a blessing it is to have them, to love them, to raise them.  Almost any parent knows how quickly we'd sacrifice ourselves to prevent our beloved children from experiencing the slightest pains.    As real parents we find out there's almost never an option for us to bear our child's hurts instead of watching them suffer.

Adoptive children come to us with a long history of pain that we simply cannot-no-matter-how-much-we-want-to take for them.  Often our children have lived through  the horrors (whatever they may have been) that has caused them to be separated from their "first family" and we simply could not have protected them... usually we were not there. 

In reality, if the adopted child had been fully protected they never would have lost their first family... and however many caregivers filled the gap until adoptive family could raise them.

For the adopted child, adoption is always loss.

However the first family was "lost" there is always the "knowledge" to the core of their being they don't belong.  I've read in Nancy Verrier's   Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up   the concept that the mirror "betrays" the adopted child... and even though it's not politically correct to discuss the ways an adopted child genetically is very different from the family they are adopted into, the child has this sense to the core that they don't "really" belong.  That phenomenon is no reflection what-so-ever of how much parents want, love, care for the adopted child... but it can be mis-percieved by the adoptee to be "evidence" of how the adopted parent's never accepted, loved, cared for, the adopted child.

In chatting with various adult adoptees, I've found the sentiment of not "feeling" like they belong to be quite present... and I've recommended Verrier's book as a good place to explore issues quite common to adopted adults. 

I've recently had the opportunity to meet and work alongside a senior citizen adoptee... adopted out of an American orphanage... back when orphanages was where orphaned children were cared for in these United States, until adoption.

I've heard those who have benefited from this personable-service-driven-adult-adoptee's dedication and diligent labors comment how "he's always told us we are his family."

*Sigh*

I've not had the opportunity to ask what his relationship is/was like with his adoptive family after he reached adulthood.

As I continue to strive to understand all that is going on in the hearts and minds of our adoptees, I continue to meet and speak with adoptees of all ages... the one common thread I see is... regardless of age, there appears to be a lifelong effort to continually try to define and redefine who their "REAL" family is... because it appears it remains a life-long struggle for the individuals who I've had the privilege of speaking with.

I also am privileged to share strength and hope with other adoptive parents.

One delightful dedicated adoptive momma who was instructing me how critical it is for ALL adopted individuals to maintain ties to birth family... yeah, I'm not a fan of cookie cutter answers... I'm thrilled that appears to be working in her circumstances, but in reality she's still in the thick of it all... her kids are young.  She got a bit quiet when I told her our placed for adoption-daughter, disrupted to be with her-not their bio-father,  was murdered at 18 years old during a visit to our kid's birth mom.

There's no cookie cutter solution, no One-Size-Fits-All answers.  I can't pretend for a minute to know what's best.  If anyone had asked me during the "Beautiful Years" I'd have sworn I was indeed an expert. 

Meanwhile... I watch the adoption storylines on tv, Reality-television, and scripted shows... The Little Couple, Giuliana and Bill, Gene Simmons' Family, Patty Stanger, Parenthood, etc etc etc... with great interest, amazed how optimistic I remain, as so many adoption storied unfold on TV through reality and scripted television shows. 

I can't say for a minute I'd want my family's story on TV, but I've found great strength and encouragement through the blogs of awesome adoptive parents...

While I'd never wish the suffering related to RAD on any family, I'm so-very-grateful to know we're not alone in the adventures of loving our adoptees, despite how the pain of their Attachment Disorder continues to hurt them and us.