Raising RAD With Nothing More Than a Diagnosis

You may already know our "officially diagnosed" RAD was diagnosed RAD before anything was published for parents about the disorder.  She had improved tremendously by the time books began being published... then completely melted down attacking us at age 21... leaving us reeling... wondering what in tarnation was going on.

I have considered many times how very grateful I am (in-part) to have been TOTALLY clueless about the "milder" RAD symptoms that continued to provide subtle evidence that our child was not 100% well...

I'm grateful my ignorance about all that RAD is allowed us to believe that healing was possible, and to have believed healing had indeed happened.

I'm grateful my ignorance allowed me to envision a bright and beautiful future for my adopted children the entire time we were raising them. 

Because of the tremendous progress and healing we witnessed firsthand during the "Ten Beautiful Years" I am able to extend hope for our beloved children's future.   

I continue to hope "one day" they will move past the trauma stepping into "adult life" had reawakened in their hearts and their minds and heal enough to join us once more in a reciprocally loving relationship.

Very Old RADsymptoms Remembered Courtesy of an Old Friend

Ugh... It's been a while...  but I spoke yesterday to the woman who is an adoptive mom to her bio-grandson.  She and her hubby WERE so very supportive OH-so-many-years-ago as we entered the adoption process. 

 Her adopted, and our adopteds have been simultaneously going "through it" as young adults. 

She is jealous that our RADs are in respectable careers... and openly wonders how bad could our kids' condition REALLY be?

I have no clue what diagnosis, if any, her son has.  With her son, this friend has ALWAYS insisted every issue has ALWAYS been everyone else's fault.  Her little angel boy couldn't have possibly been the one who blah blah blah... She regularly camps out in denial. 

She rejoiced, literally did the happy dance, when I first shared our heartache related to our RADadultKids meltdown and attack against us 2 years ago she replied.... "finally!!! Your family has always been so damned perfect!!! It's about time!!!!!!" 

Which to be honest

kinda pissed me off, 

but I get it.  

People who are struggling

with their own children

often find people

w/rainbows and unicorns

coming out of the ass 

annoying.

  I really do get it. 

Yesterday that woman was reminiscing about when our kids were first placed, and reminded me how my adorable 2 1/2 year old son had just been introduced for the VERY first time, HAD NEVER-EVER MET HER EVER BEFORE... AND jumped RIGHT into her arms and asked for a hug and in that moment, our new little son, captured her heart... "forever."  

Did I remember?

Yikes!

Yeah, I kinda sorta did remember her telling everyone that story about our adorable new son... but that was WAYYYY before I realized a child jumping into the arms of a complete stranger IS a key RAD trait!

At the time it didn't strike me as incredibly odd... after all... We were eager to introduce our new kids to our friends and eager for friends and family to welcome our beautiful new children with open arms!!!!!
 
AND... after all she wasn't ANY OLD STRANGER IN THE PARK (like our officially dx'd RAD would run up, to snuggle with, and gleefully skip off with.) 

Yeah...  within the last two years ESPECIALLY... I know our son is RAD... I've suspected "disinhibited" ever since the kid's "conjoined meltdown" ...but apparently there were many signs I didn't even know to recognize back in the day. 


Another point of annoyance in our brief conversation... she was telling me she bumped into her "favorite officer" (our RADdaughter) at the local dance joint.  She was telling me our daughter is doing "SO VERY WELL!!!"  and "You know she CAN'T BE STUPID if she passed police training!!!"

I kept my cool and explained "there is a big difference between stupid and mental illness.  Our daughter has been exhibiting many signs that the mental illness she was diagnosed with when she was first placed with us all those years ago"   

For me, that call was enough "catching up" with that friend for a while... a long long while!

The Puppets, the Puppeteers, and the Grand Master Puppeteer

I believe...
          there will come a day...
                                   where the ones
                                                  who think
                                                                THEY are pulling all the strings...

                                                          ...will realize and recognize...                                   

EXACTLY...                    

whose puppet they are. 

I'm eager for our RADs
to choose to surround themselves
with people who love them
enough 
to tell them truths...
                                  ...truths that may be hard to hear...
                                                                            ...truths that are critical to our RADs' ability to walk in mental health.

Surely one day, it will dawn....
                                     .... crowds that surround...
                                                                                   ...and applaud...

...REALLY love the entertainment

...tremendous personal pains provides.

Yes!!!  The audience MAY be enamored...  

...for a season...

******************************************************************************
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;

but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Proverbs 27:6  King James Version (KJV)

Hello Night, Have You Met Day?

We are so totally enjoying having our loving attached and capable-of-reciprocal love adult-child visiting. 

All three of us are deeply hurt by RADs' attack against our family. 

So far during her visit, our nonRAD has agreed to ONLY VERY SHORT visits (in VERY public places) with the "officially diagnosed" RAD.

We have explained our nonRAD doesn't need to keep visits short to prove loyalty to us or anything... we've encouraged her repeatedly to visit as often and as long as she'd like.

DH and I are glad RADdaughter realizes she IS part of our family... and trying to reconnect at whatever level her current mental health status allows.

Our nonRAD insists she cannot bear anything longer than very short visits because RAD keeps running all conversation in the same circles.  (playing the victim, trying to triangulate our nonRAD against us.)

NonRAD has been talking from time to time about the "signs" she observed that our RADs were melting down "before" their major conjoined-meltdown. 

Turns out there was so very much more duplicity going on inside our RADs in the two years before RAD melted down than  more than we ever imagined.

Wow. 

Necessary But Not Enough.

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH

HOPE IS NOT ENOUGH


I believe the first book published for parents parenting RAD kids was  When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD by Nancy Thomas .   Published 2 years after our RAD was officially diagnosed, it was not a resource available to me.  Our officially diagnosed RAD's  behavior began to improve tremendously during her third year in our home (2nd year post-diagnosis.)  I found Nancy Thomas's book in 2009; AFTER our young adult RADkids RADtypically melted down.  I found  Love Is Not Enough during the age-appropriate season for young adults to embark on their adult lives... a season where healthy steps toward healthy detachment stirred up memories of abuse/neglect/abandonment in our young-adult-adopted-children. Abuse/neglect/abandonment that began their life long before entering our loving family.  I instantly remembered the diagnosis "Reactive Attachment Disorder with Hypervigilance" when family member reminded me our children were DEEPLY TROUBLED when they were removed from the foster system and placed in our loving home. 

"Experts" say that RAD can grow into BPD Borderline Personality Disorder.  The little I've read on the subject it appears there IS much behavior BPD's display that parallels RAD.

Investigating the topic more, I began looking for books on the subject. I found When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Bon Dobbs

Love is not enough!                                  

                                 Hope is not enough!

YET...

Both are necessary... 

       FOR ME...

...to carry on!      

Neither have to be reciprocal. 
Although It would be oh-so-nice if they were!

Color me eternally hopeful!