Young Love... And Parental Manipulation

At 21 years of age...
Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee was "rescued" from us into the home of a manipulative woman who about a year prior admittedly planned from her inner-circle which young women  WOULD marry EACH  of her sons.

While RAD was starting on the brink of exploding... Before we had any inkling of what RAD would do next... That woman openly shared with me her secret plans for our youngest daughter to marry her youngest son. I firmly and kindly responded I thought it would be wonderful to allow our kids to make their own decisions about marriage.

Not yet understanding RAD, but knowing our adoptee well,  I never shared this woman's confessions along-those-lines with our daughter because although I didn't yet have the terminology to articulate behaviors we'd seen in our "officially diagnosed" adoptee,  we understood the concept that the cause and effect reasoning part of her brain had consistently shown evidence of not fully operating.

RAD doesn't make kids stupid...

 Our daughter is quite smart actually.  

She entered college at age 14. 

Was one B short of 4.0.  

She's smart and cute.

She used to easily memorize and regurgitate facts.

"BLUE is the answer! 

The answer is BLUE!     

What is the answer?????"

"..... Ummmm..... blue?"

"YES! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   

In accordance with her illness...

  Our officially diagnosed RAD adoptee always had trouble processing the MEANING of information.

It's not at all that she'd NEVER "get it"...

just most times she'll have data...

and assume illogical meanings when asked to process information.   

Not her fault.  

Just one of the nuances of a young brain exposed to early trauma.

I didn't want to risk for a minute that our daughter would misinterpret the woman who would eventually become her "savior mommy"'s aspirations as plans she should pursue.    

Our daughter never for one minute expressed romantic interest in "savior mommy's" baby boy.

I recently had the opportunity to ask a few questions to another mom on the brink of "saving" a sweet young girl (in the system, not her fault) from the latest parents...

...A young girl this woman hopes will "someday" marry her son.

Some of the questions I asked this potential "savior mommy" to consider...   

1) Do you think it may be possible that this sweet beautiful young girl you want to save, and hope will marry your son may be behaving quite differently with you in your home than she does in the home that is establishing boundaries for safety and has the responsibility of keeping her safe?

2) What if you've contracted to become guardian and things don't work out romantically between her and the child you hope she'll marry?

3) Is it possible, once your role in her life changes,  this teen may eventually give you the same challenges she's presenting to her current caregivers?

4) Is there a way you can be supportive of this girl, AND her current caregivers, while encouraging this girl to be taking her own steps as a young teen toward responsible adulthood (for example resume attending HS, get a job... Etc.) while encouraging her to be so much less a teenage "victim" who needs to marry your child so she can be rescued her from this unfair life of living with adult caregivers whose reasonable rules at times don't facilitate these young lovers from living the  romantic wonderland they feel entitled to... to the fullest?

5)  Don't you want your child to be married to someone because they really love each other, not because one was in a bad situation and needed to be rescued?

6) Are you aware kids who bounce around the system make false allegations?

7) It's entirely possible the young lovers are sexually active... What repercussion might there be if you take her in as a her legal guardian and don't prevent your legally-adult child from engaging with this minor sexually in your home?    
 
8) Does your career allow you to earn money while officials investigate any strife she might cause against you as her new and improved caregiver who might try to establish rules and limits within your family's home that she as a young teen might naturally object to?

9) Wouldn't it be best to love, appreciate and hope for your "future daughter-in-law" while continuing to encourage the young-in-love couple  to work diligently towards achieving milestones of independent adult responsibilities to help establish their "true-love" on the strongest possible foundation for their "happily ever after?"

Ack.

I do want to confirm.... I told this parent, many times throughout our conversations I AM honestly a believer in young love.  Just one week after turning 20, I married the boy I had taken to prom a few years prior.

We're still head-over-heels in love...

Just with my recent experiences... involving "system kids"... 

(Oh how I hate to assert there is a "system-kid" mentality!!!!!!!!!!!!  

...If only our experiences would have kept us blissfully ignorant!)

....So many aspects of all this woman  shared of her child's romance and her own desire to save his  beloved has me so-very concerned...

Turns out their family opted to not take on guardianship... For now. 

In Our Thoughts Prayers and Dreams

This parenting gig doesn't end.  Even when kids you love choose estrangement.
Father's Day I honored Hubbie, my baby-daddy -such a wonderful daddy that he accepted others' children to raise as his own... with the same undying love he has for our biological child.  (Not that adopted/bio EVER made any difference... Until Reactive Attachment Disorder RADtypically attacked at the time when age-typical-embarkation to adult life  reawakened our adoptees' abandonment issues.)

Nightly my love mentions our children, their children and even their RADtypically triangulated against us "rescuers"... Whomever is currently pretending to be "the awesome parents our adoptees never had" ...unknowingly perpetuating our kids' estrangement as they "rescue" our kids from dangers that never existed (in OUR home).

Aside from us praying nightly for our kids by name... Adoption issues have been a small part of my daily life although thoughts of the kids, prayers for them, flow regularly throughout.

This has been a bigger than normal "adoption issues" week for me.  Bumping into adoptive friends I've not seen in almost a year... Calls from friends who call me 'cause ppl who haven't adopted would NEVER understand.

I dreamt of the murdered child's father a few days ago.  Googled and found an online presence.  Found a "throwback" photo of our adoptees' biomom.  I thought... Wow... Same face... She'll probably look just like that when she's middle aged!   Then I noticed caption.  Wow.  Our adoptee is already older than biomom when that photo was taken.  Addiction is such a hard life.

My work sends me all over.  From time to time I work almost walking distance to the address that consistently shows court history for biomom.  I don't think that address is the brothel/crack-den where various sources have said our son was born... But I suppose it's nearby.  I honestly don't know. There's this little (big?  I have no idea) microcosm of life so foreign to everything I know.  A place where their reality is so very different than my own.

I wonder sometimes what keeps adopted daughter away.  She's said she's made contact with bio family... I wonder if that's part of it.   She's shared her shock at biomom's manipulations which sound like the same manipulations the murdered child would tell me about.  There is a reason the children couldn't stay safely in that microcosm.  It was never their fault.  We always encouraged our adoptees to have loving thoughts about their birthparents.  Tried to explain how consuming and distorting addiction can be.  We always encouraged if our adoptees choose to explore their biological roots that they be careful... Cause it was during a visit with the family of origin that the oldest was murdered at 18.

Anyway... I wonder from time to time if connecting with birthmom plays some part in our daughter's estrangement.  I don't think it should.  I've struggled for almost 7 years of estrangement to understand our adoptees thought processes.

As I drove near that neighborhood for work recently, I wondered if our grandchildren have been to their biogranny's  house.  

I dreamt of our adoptees this week.  In the dream (like in real life) our adopted daughter was running around the church people we raised them near, causing strife against us.  I dreamt church families were struggling marriages, children, health issues.

  In the dream I told our daughter... It's okay... We love you... We've only ever had you and your siblings as our children.  Our love is irrevocable.  You've had about 19 families before us.  Everything you're doing is SO NORMAL for kids who've had beginnings similar to yours!   We love you, and allow you to love the ones before us.  You might find comfort in the knowledge you are not alone in your experiences.  We love you.

In my dream she began sobbing.  The church ppl surrounding her became suddenly distracted by their  own family, health, relationship issues.   I woke up praying health, healing, happiness and Love... for them all.

Out of the Blue She Brings Up Adoption

Can you believe there are friends who don't know we've adopted?  

Man.

For a while there it seemed the "common issues" of adopting traumatized children out of fostercare would forever be all consuming.

Life does go on.

I was chatting with a friend recently.

Innocently she brought up how a newly adopted child she knew was FLOURISHING in the new family... how she hoped the child appreciates all the sacrifices this kind hearted family has made to positively impact this young life pulled out of a dung heap.

I got misty-eyed.  Not at all a big ugly cry kind of thing.  Just misty.

My friend asked if I was okay.  Had she offended me?  If I ever need to talk... Etc.

I told her my heart breaks for that family.  I told her it turns out there's many adoption related issues that arise when children are adopted out of trauma. Yes, indeed the child's life has been positively impacted.  Yes the child needed to be taken out of the dung heap.  Yes indeed the new family's sacrifices are worthwhile and making a remarkably tremendous positive impact in the child's previously traumatic life... But unfortunately it's quite likely the child will grow up to despise the family that will lavish love health and healing in that child's direction for the rest of their days.

My friend looked at me with a puzzled expression.

You know we adopted a special needs sibling group... Right?  

She honestly had no idea.

I explained our adoptees' "special needs" are mostly psychological resulting from their traumatic origin.  All adults now.  All doing far better in adulthood than their family of origin... Well... All Except for one...   It's a long story.

Sorry, yes, I do agree the child is flourishing. That family is really blessing that child.

Stones of Remembrance

February is coming....   That thought had me smiling to my core!

It is February.

My heart overflows!

February is the anniversary month of finalizing our adoption...

and most significantly lately...

...the anniversary month of the first time I met real-live adoptive moms who REALLY understood and were living our parallel adoptive universe.

At the time, most of the other mommas' experiences may have been as many as 17 years behind our family's experiences...

But I was/AM 

SOOOOOO GRATEFUL for the tangible reality that I am not alone!!!!!

I think our family's adult-adoptee experience may have really frightened those just embarking on early adoptive life...

For me, finding out my family was not alone in this bizarre-o world of loving and caring for traumatized children adopted out of generations of addiction and abuse was simply more evidence a Hand that reached out to pull us up from our adoptees' flattening attacks.

That first wonderful long-weekend in Orlando and the ETAAM events that have followed are part of my heart's "stones of remembrance."  

My first year attending a sweet beautiful woman gifted each attendee with a stone engraved "I am NOT alone"

That stone, and those women remain precious to me!!!!

It will soon be seven years since our "healed hallelujah!" young adult adoptees attacked our family in a "RADtypical" manner that is fully in-line with the mental health diagnosis the middle adoptee was "officially given" after bouncing around 18 families before joining ours at age six.

Our "unofficially diagnosed" son proves exactly how much he doesn't have Attachment Disorder by remaining estranged almost 7 years from the family that raised him.  He's continuing to pretend in adulthood his bff's family is his "real" family... And they are delighting to "serve in" that role in their own brand of insanity wholeheartedly under the impression they're serving Jesus to do so.

Meanwhile this son has honored his own son with two of the names we'd given him. Not his birth name, not his grandmother's married name (that the children's last names were changed to as the state attempted to unify this quasi-related group of  3 children with very different last names who never really lived together beforehand in order to place as a "sibling group" in one adoptive family) not the names of his latest "real family" RADtypically triangulated rescuers...

Our grandson bears our family name inherited to him through adoption... and our grandson's first name is the middle name we gave our son at adoption.

Fascinating stuff. 

Bizarre-o adoption world.

The officially-diagnosed-adoptee peeks in from time to time.  Tells us she loves us.  And means it.  I believe she knows we mean it when we tell her how much we love her.

Her history before us and resulting  illness, makes relationships hard for her.

She RADtypically wears masks and has "RADtypically" manipulative stories that gain the sympathy of her RADtypically triangulated rescuers.  Stories that she struggles to keep straight depending on whom she's talking with.

The lies she's told (continues to tell)  RADtypically prevents her and her young daughter from comfortably enjoying time with our family.

We're grateful she does come around from time to time... and we're glad to see her when she's strong enough to step out of the drama triangle her disease has her living in. 

Relationships are hard for the attachment disordered adult adoptee.

Meanwhile, she's been reaching back to bio-family.  We've always encouraged our adoptees to have mercifully kind and loving thoughts toward their family of origin.

Addiction is hard.

Our adoptees' cousin has internet presence and is quite vocal about her perspective of generations of their biological beginnings.

It's tough.

So totally foreign to us.

We don't fully "get-it" but we keep trying.

 And we love them.

We're eager to see them... as much as their illness will safely allow.

Powerball and Other Free Dreams

Happy New Year friends!

Dear Sweet Wonderful Hubby and I were treated by VERY generous family members and friends to an over-the-top extravagant Christmas-New Years celebration.  Wow.  "Car service" (read "limo") at our disposal to drive us around a city we had never before visited.  Keys to the Mercedes for whenever we wanted the driver to "bring the car around" so we could explore on our own. Decadent meals in fine restaurants, no reservations... holiday crowds... no problem, friends' connections got us right to the front of every line. And best of all quality time with people we love... Who love us back.  I'm still pinching myself... Back home, it all feels like a dream... the likes of which I'd NEVER aspired, but could very easily imagine myself getting used to.

Powerball fantasy has me dreaming of permanence of that amazing "lifestyle."  One of my BFFs was asking if we were in it to win it.  Together we shared fantasies of what instant wealth might provide.  In my heart I remember and "amen"...

Proverbs 30:8-9
Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only daily bread.  Otherwise I may have too much and disown You and say "Who is The Lord?" Or I may become poor and steal and so dishonor the name of my God.

Once home from our awesome trip I got a call from one of my dearest high school bffs.  We seldom get to talk 'cause she's in that SUPER busy stage of life with small children.

Together in HS she and I studied early childhood development together and were each assigned a twin to observe and write our reports about.  Back then we bet each other we'd have twins first.  We now joke that the race extends to the next generation.  Haha.

She was birthing her kids about the time we were adopting.  Fast forward a couple years and she's an adoptive mom too.  When you love kids, I suppose it predisposes you to adopt kids who need loving homes.

She ended up adopting a sibling group too.  Interesting story how she got them.  But it's her story to tell if/when she needs to.

She was expressing feelings of a lack of love toward the one with attachment disorder.  I told her to hold on.  I reminded her she does indeed love her daughter she's patient, kind keeping on, still trying still hoping still protecting...   Etc...

From 1Corinthians 13...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. 

I explained what is frequently missing in relationships with attachment disordered kids is the warm fuzzy feelings that accompany "reciprocated love."

I encouraged her to keep on keeping on despite a lack of reciprocation my friend is making a positive difference despite the child's inability to "appreciate" all the hard work that goes into loving a child adopted from life's hard places.  She doesn't have it in her account to give back.   Something broke big in our attachment disordered kids long before we ever met them.  It's not their fault, it's not ours either.  

Keep on loving... 

Love doesn't mean we have to fake warm fuzzies that don't exist.   When children we love hurt and hate us on a regular basis the feelings of warm-fuzzies aren't there.   

How Many Parents Will the Grandkids Have?

I appears the plight of the Attachment Disordered child who has had many sets of parents in their young life is there is often a cycle that repeats itself in future generations when healing halts regresses or fails . 

I may have previously shared my philosophy that performing offensive actions we have failed to forgive may just be part of a Divine plan to ultimately promote forgiveness.  

Forgiveness is essential. 

Allowing the offended the opportunity to experience things from the perspective of the offender grants us insights that might have otherwise gone unseen.  It seems to me the less we understand the harder it might be to extend forgiveness... The more perspective we gain helps us to more readily excuse less than stellar actions from others that have in-likeness hurt us. 

"Officially dx'd RAD" adoptee had been on again off again with a guy whose kid is our young granddaughter's age.  As both girls were learning to talk, each kid would (out of respect?) call the other's parent "mom" or "dad." 

Grandbaby-daddy makes kids he won't support with whomever will participate.  RAD thinking's solution is support baby-daddy (who won't work on the books because then other baby mommas might make their claim against his money). Our daughter puts her child in his "care" so she can earn money "on the books" while he openly beds down with whomever is willing in front of the child.  Our daughter had expressed concern if "something happens" while Ho of the moment is drugging, our daughter may lose custody of that child because she ultimately keeps endangering the child by leaving her in such dangerous circumstances.  RAD thinking justifies this endangerment because keeping reckless baby daddy actively involved in the child's life will keep her daughter from  experiencing the heartaches our daughter herself experienced as a child who eventually ended up with us as her 19th set of parents at age six... 

Right?   

One of the most consistent evidences of how RAD has affected our daughter for as long as we've known her is poor cause-and-effect reasoning skills.

It's not that she never "gets it" usually she will... eventually... 

Her counselor would frequently express how imperative it is that for our daughter's mental health we allow her to experience "natural consequences" of her poor choices.  It will help heal her brain. 

It's hard to sit by allowing our adopted children to hurt their own children the way their parents hurt them.  

I titled this post with a question I ponder...

How many parents will our grandchildren have?  

I know a huge part of our adoptees psychological  issues is the fact they have had so many mommies and daddies before us...

I know baby daddy is a womanizer.  Ugh.  Women can be such suckers for a man with a baby!  I'd not be surprised for a moment if playa-baby-daddy woos whomever he's currently "entertaining" by having our grandchild call each next gullible woman "mommy."

I'm willing to bet our daughter might be a little more discretionary in whom she encourages her daughter to call daddy...  What her standard for how many days or what milestones  must pass before each boyfriend becomes the next "daddy" I honestly don't know... 

Point is I'd not be surprised if our granddaughter, like her mother, will by adulthood, have many "daddies and mommies" as mom follows attachment disorder's path through numerous relationships.   Oh how we pray that would not be the case!

I also wonder how our grandchildren raised by those inflicted with Attachment Disorder will define their "real" family as they enter adulthood having entertained their bio-parents' assorted romantic interests and assorted parental substitutes each as additional mommies and daddies.  

So much to cover in prayer. Ahhh the privilege of "really" being mom and dad!

Hubby and I continue to pray our adoptees will take the difficult steps to find healing, stop manipulating, and allow themselves to experience truly loving relationships for their own sakes and for the sake of their children.

Dancing into the Sunset

Ha ha!

This year one of my hubby's birthday gifts to me was the promise to enroll us as a couple in the community's Senior Citizen center.  His (older, but I'm catching up for sure) age allowed us to join as a couple.  I've got a pal whose been eager for me to "qualify" so we can do fun things together there like ping-pong... and I've been eager to join the arts classes they offer.

Together and happy together,  my husband and I are entering this silvery season of life... I laugh because we keep advancing in maturity...  we are dancing together into the Sunset.

I tell friends I'm looking for the brakes... I don't want to get off the ride, I'd just like to "slow my roll."  Ha ha!

As I read through this blog I'm often disappointed by how poorly my adoption related writing reflects the joys relating to our "reality" of day-to-day life most days.

I'd started, but never much felt "inspired" to blog in my non-adoption blog.  The way I see it is when I talk anything but adoption seemingly the whole world "gets it."  My need to share that joyous part of our lives is satiated. 

As you who know... know, we get to share the happy realities of everything with all our friends and family... I simply don't have much need to express further my daily life... and to feel heard... and understood.

And you who know... know, so many JUST DON'T GET the typical complications of  adopting Attachment Disordered individuals.  This blog is where I feel the need to relate with you who really "get it."  I appreciate you!  I cherish you!!!  You are a bigger gift to us than you can even imagine!!!!

In all other aspects of life...
My dear hubby and I are dancing into our sunsetting years and we are having fun!!!! 

 

LOVE this gif!!!  Not sure who to credit!!!!

I'd like to take a moment to encourage our fellow adoptive parents especially the ones who are where we were 20 years ago early in the adoptive way of life...

...PLEASE....

...be careful not to burn the sacrifice of your relationship with the one you're supposed to dance off into the sunset with as you pour yourselves out to extinction on the "altar of finding healing" for the child(ren) who through no fault of their own... and through no fault of ours have issues that they will most likely struggle with their whole lives.  

Oh how I continue to pray

  "healed hallelujah!!!"

would be the next plot twist 

for our adoptees' 

complicated lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd like take a moment during this typically busy holiday season to encourage all adoptive parents to take note from airline safety protocol... make sure you're obtaining and maintaining The Oxygen your marital relationship needs to survive!  Commit to making sure your relationship's needs are securely in-place every-step-of-the-way as you try to help those who are yet unable to care for themselves.  

Most of our kids are supposed to grow up and embark on their adult lives... 

...helping them as best as we are able is a fine and noble high calling... 

...just PLEASE

don't loose perspective 

of your happily-ever-after.   

We, the parents 

who have blessed,

and been blessed by

these children 

who were not conceived by us... 

raising them in our families... 

in our homes...

...are supposed to enjoy life in our nest together with the our spouse long after our children have flown to the extent they are capable.  

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May the peace of Christ fill your hearts and your homes!  

We Met "Them" on Vacation ...the Rescuers

Dear Hubby and I were away on a lovely trip and struck up a conversation with another couple.  Their daughter is in the same line of work that I do.  The mom expressed concern that her daughter "cares too much" and has been hurt quite badly.  Well conversation went on to detail how this successful adult daughter had hoped to save some rent money by getting a roommate.  Thanks Craigslist!!!   The roommate ended being a grown adult "project."  Whom their caring daughter has ended up supporting.

The couple went on to say this adult "new member of their family" wasn't their daughter's romantic interest, just "such a sad case" ...was abandoned by her mother when she was very young.   Etc etc etc.

Because daughter still hoped to save money by sharing expenses... She then invited her younger sister to move in and share 3 br apt in DC area so the two sisters could support this sad adult who seemed perpetually unable to find/keep work enough to chip in on expenses.

The couple we met went on to explain how this "unofficially adopted" adult  "daughter" their family had taken in as their "own" had fairly well used the family for all they're worth and stabbed them in the back for their "kindnesses."

Just before this trip, the woman of concern was successfully removed from their daughters' apartment with MUCH DRAMA...

The couple were concerned their tender hearted daughter might feel sorry for the woman with a long history of abandonment and allow her back.  

They were fretting about their adult children's safety and wellbeing while they were vacationing in the middle of another country.

Hubby and I listened and had the ability to explain to this couple about "issues common to adopted adults."  We explained how pretending to be "the family this poor woman never had" was their first mistake.  We encouraged SHOULD they decide to continue some kind of relationship, they should establish strong boundaries and if this woman craves "family" they should encourage this woman to restore contact with the family she enjoyed before adulthood.   We encouraged friendship/without providing for this capable and manipulative adult.

We strongly encouraged should they as a family decide to continue with this woman who profited from and seriously endangered their family... We encouraged keeping very clear strong borders and definitions of who their own "real" family is.  

RADtypically Triangulated Sister-in-Law

Look at her... look at her life... Look at her children.  

The more one looks, the easier one will understand how drama is so attractive to her. 

"I'm thinking about our kids today."

"I'm thinking about our kids today."

My husband and I find ourselves saying this to each other often.

It's code for "My heart is hurting. When will the pain stop?"

Today I was fantasizing about a day when thoughts of our children would not enter our brain.  I think a strong dose of Alzheimer's would be required for that to happen. 

We think often of ALL our kids ... not just the ones who have RAD.


We get "warm fuzzy" feelings when we think of the daughter who reciprocates in our parent/adult-child relationship. 



The adult-children who RADtypically lashed out at us... even our Ten Beautiful Years of happy memories HURT...

Walking in Courage Doesn't Mean Your Knees Won't Knock

I am SOOOOO impressed with our oldest daughter's maturity and bravery! 

She has been making many love based decisions... that look past what is comfortable... to choose what is VERY UNCOMFORTABLE... so she can go forward in life with the least amount of regrets.   

Last night she dove into the piranha tank... to be supportive of her brother's marriage.  

"Forever Family"

"Forever Family"

I buried the ONLY earthly father I have ever had last month.

.

The ONLY  mother I have ever had is now his widow.

 .

Both are my biological parents.

.

My six biological siblings and I were raised by both of them, together.

.

 Had Dad lived a few more months...

Mom and Dad would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this year. 

                                                           

Dad and I have always had a reciprocal loving relationship.

What a wonderful thing it is 

to be confident in love! 

Dad and I 
have always been 
part of 
a      
"Forever Family."

In Dad's "last years" our bio-daughter frequently commented with admiration how my Dad was loved and respected by MANY ...and looked up to as a "father figure" to so many fatherless individuals.

 ***

Certainly there is pain and grief regarding loss of my beloved "Daddio" here on earth!

                                                           

Yet,

the pain related to my father's death

is not nearly as 

deep
and as  

cutting

as the depth

of  

pain

and  

grief

related to our adult RADs' "RAD-typical" rejection of us.

"They" 

(adoption promoters) 

PROMISED us 

and our "new" kids 

we would be  "Forever Family."            

My definition of "Family" is directly related to my experiences.  

My kids draw their definition of  "Family" from their experiences. 

I believe one of our biggest problems

in our relationship with our adult adoptees is  

we've had different experiences.

I can't imagine going through life without the foundation of my Mom ALWAYS being my Mom... and my Dad ALWAYS being my Dad. 

We prayerfully hope one-day our RADaffected adoptees will be able to have loving reciprocal relationships.

And while we wait... 

my husband, bio-daughter, and I 

remain heartsick!!!!!!!!!!!!

 .

.

.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
      But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."

-Proverbs 13:12

Giving Thanks and Babies

This Thanksgiving I got to spend much time with two little ones.  One, just turned one and is taking her first steps... 8 consecutive steps at our house thrilled her grandparents because it had been the most she'd taken to-date.

The other little one is our oldest daughter's friend's first child.  He's almost two months old. 

I thoroughly enjoyed time with the house hustling and bustling with guests of all ages... and I especially loved time with the little ones.

I've always been "good with kids."  That's part of the reason why I've enjoyed being mom so very much!!!



In the midst of enjoying these sweet babies whom we celebrated with great anticipation their arrival, as well as each and every milestone they continue to achieve,  there is a little one, because of her mother's estrangement we don't have permission to celebrate. 

I've contemplated various "celebrate her life anyway" ideas... donating gifts "in her honor" to various crisis pregnancy organizations... I just can't get worked up about doing that, yet. 

Adoptive parents, and adult adoptees alike... who have gone decades before us console us with the "normalness" of our adult adoptees behaviors.

When you take a minute and consider... It really does seem constant and natural...

...that those who had no say ...

...as their personal definition of family was changed... 

...EACH time social services stepped in...

...again, and again, and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again...  (19 "agains" are in honor of our adopted daughter's bio-parents, the 17 failed/foster/adoptive sets of parents before us, and us... her 19th set of parents who were blessed with her and her half biological siblings from different paths just about a week before that little girl turned six years old)

...whether social services intervened 

to rescue the child

 from their biological family's

 inability to keep the small child

 safe from abuses

no child should have to endure...

...or... 

...to rescue foster/adoptive parents

 from child originated abuses

 no parent should have to endure...

When these kids (whose core-reality-based definition of "Family" has been botched so many times in a child's lifetime) become adults... it is normal, constant and natural for them THROUGHOUT THEIR LIVES, to re-define and re-define who is REALLY and not really their REAL family...

Just Giving Them the Love You Don't

Can you not see, that with your good intentions, you are actually hurting our children?!

Ninteen Sets of Parents... And Counting...

Her social worker estimated our newest daughter moved about every three months... from age twenty-one months... until she was placed in our home at about a week or two from age six.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is what her Psychologist diagnosed...
...Before anything was published for parents,
...Before DSMV offered to more-specifically define "RAD."

It made sense.  ANY child, even one who hadn't been pickled in the womb... hadn't been raised in "that environment" for almost the first two years... BUT  might "ONLY"  have been moved from one ONLY-LOVING home to another... every three months.... from 21 months... would certainly have "issues." 

It's not her fault.  

It's not ours either.  

We're the 19th set of parents... and counting.

I'd love to say we're the last.

We're learning her ongoing behavior is quite typical for adults who had multiple caregivers in early childhood. 

She's an adult now.  She's serving society in a respectable career on "the other side of" her family of origin's income generating efforts.

We're confident we impacted her life positively.

She still, understandably, has "issues."

Prickly as a cactus... we continue to love her as much as she will allow.

It seems loving this child and her half-biological sibling group that were placed together with us for adoption requires (of course) that we honor their journey.

Their experiences are nothing like our experiences of origin.

Our family has always been "ours."

We naively believed The Forever Family Social Experiment's promise... they'd belong to "ours" forever.

That promise never acknowledged our newest children's reality.

Yes... Legally we're their parents.  Yes.  We LEGALLY gave them our name.  Yes, We went into this all-in.  Our hearts have been and continue to be committed.   Yes, we had "family expectations" based on our own knowledge of what family is. 

But their reality is...

Who the social experiment defined as their latest "Real Family" kept changing.... 18 times before us... and Who they choose to define as their "Real Family" will continue to change God knows how many times after us.

At 21 She played Babe-ette to her initial drama triangulating "savior" Momma-ette and Dadda-ette...  until that particular paradise failed... as the overzealous-savior-mom-internet-psychology-student moved into an ethics-less internship under the woman who used to foster our adoptee's half-bio sister for eight years...  together the two mental health "professional" wannabees betrayed our daughter regularly until she got disgusted and moved on to the next set people she'd define as her "real-family."


Six years since what I call our adoptee's "RAD-typical" Conjoined meltdown.... Six years of mostly estrangement... with mini-bursts of masked connection from the "officially diagnosed" one... In perfect line with the diagnosis given to her at age 7...

Radtypically, Our adoptees continue to follow their own hearts and minds to find the family that is presently "most-real" to them.

Our "officially diagnosed"Daughter is radtypically currently playing daughter/sister to a mother/daughter duo who due to drug addiction were separated for many years.  Familiar.  Manipulative on all sides. Perfect for now.  I imagine their dynamic must draw her because they "understand" her reality. 

Sonny-delight continues to pretend our former friends are his "real family"... (He was removed at birth and was estimated to have about 9 or 10 sets of parents before the special needs sibling group was placed with us when he was about 2.5 years old.)

Well meaning Christian people believe they are serving JESUS to play rescuer/savior to our adoptees... yet in all their efforts to SAVE our children they reject any possibility their own meddling and pretending to be "THE FAMILY OUR CHILDREN NEVER HAD" is actually harming these adult-children who bear our name... these grown children we carry in our hearts. 

When we address these of the most stout servitude, explaining how their "help" serves to divide our family... explaining...

Instead of Playing Savior... 

...they should be Praying to The Savior! 

 When we bare our hearts to these assorted, well intentioned family members and "Christian" friends.... explaining how hurtful their "rescuing" behaviors are to our family as a whole... What they seem to hear is "Never talk to our children!"  They are so deceived.  

 

20 Years Later Social Experiement 1995

Wow... 20 years of adoption.

Update.... SHE's BAAAACK....

Our 5.5 years estranged daughter began dating a man who ALSO has a one year old daughter, just like the grandchild we'd never met... sooo cool right???

Well, it turned out he attends our church... and our adopted daughter being the girl who wears masks to please whomever she's with, texted us mid-service asking if we'd like to meet our grandchild.

Our daughter was somewhere in our mega-congregation looking right at us.

yay.


About 10 months ago we'd gotten to meet our adopted daughter's daughter... she's cute like her momma. 

Since then, we've gotten together with our daughter about a handful times, had the privilege of treating a couple meals for our daughter and her daughter and her (then) boyfriend... and his daughter... and his daughter's half brother that is not his son.  Many meals we've sat politely smiling through her jabs, about our "abusive" writing assignments that has helped her to ultimately do quite well in her chosen profession... while the boyfriend defended our (awesome) parenting techniques.

We're grateful for progress... most days.

About 10 months have gone by since the "first" meeting... It is quite evident that RAD continues...

Adopted-daughter's-daughter's 2nd birthday happened... without us.  I wonder how old she will be when/if we get to celebrate her first birthday with us?

Turns out adopted-daugther now hates "the savior mommy" who initially "rescued" her from us almost six years ago.... and has in the interim selected yet another "new-mommy" and "new-daddy"

Not long ago they just buried the "new-daddy" our Adopted-daughter's-daughter's "pop-pop." 

My husband's heart aches... "Pop-pop" is his title for 'OUR GRANDKIDS"... Yet it's emblazoned all over social media "in memory" of our adopted daughter's drinking buddy's "Danny" (the drinking buddy's step-dad... poor guy... the female child he "daddy"'d never would call him "Dad.")  Who knows what our adopted-daughter called him... but as evidenced through social media crapola ...the recently-deceased-"Danny" got to know the joys of grandfather-hood via our adopted-daughter's-daughter.I understand why "that family" is so attractive to our adopted daughter... familiarity.  That "new mommy" herself I'm told lost her privilege of raising her own daughter (our daughter's drinking buddy).  Around the time we met that family when the girl was about 13 she had just been returned to "mother's care" under close supervision by the grandparents who seemed to frequently threaten to take the kid back. 

Adopted-daughter is doing well in her profession... She promised to let us know when she finds out about date for awards dinner... well... guess who is featured in "of the year" awards photos... her New-mommy number 21... (let's see... if I at adoption was "mommy number 19"... that would make her 21... and counting probably... right?) 

Oh yeah, but wait...  Hubby and I REALLY ARE mommy and daddy according to "The Forever Family Social Experiment" documents... right?????

We're real mommy and daddy?

Or is bio-mommy and bio-daddies?

How about all the the 17 foster/failed adoption placements before us... how real are they???  

Hubby and I keep consoling ourselves with 

"This isn't personal, it's not her fault, but it's not ours either."

We've found ALL we've been experiencing is SO VERY COMMON to adult adoptees who also have our adopted daughter's diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder.

So... for the past 20 years our family has been unwittingly part of a social experiment...

I had never needed to signify our adopted daughter as our "adopted daughter" until as an adult she began crying abuse and "playing baby" to whomever would take her in after us.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of this social experiment.

20 years ago the social worker explained to us "It used to be rare circumstances would lead to involuntary termination of parental rights, but we've found these kids get raised in the foster system only to return to and perpetuate their parent's dysfunction.  Nowadays they TPR so the kids can have a chance for a different life than their family of origin could provide."

Well, they have a different life... kinda almost... both our RADs are serving in honorable professions... yay.  Mission accomplished????

On this side of it... 20 years in... I seriously question the ethics of adopting children whose parents are still living.

I don't question giving kids a safe home where they can be nurtured and grow... but I think for our adoptees... Foster could do... should do.

I think it is unethical for agencies to promote the lies of "forever family" to generous kind hearted families that have good lives and want to share their family and all it's blessings with underprivileged poorly-parented children who come from horrendously dangerous environments.

Did "our" adopted kids need a safer environment than they started out with????   Absolutely!!!!!!!!

Did they each need to have their three quite different last names changed to their bio-mom's last name as "the system" yanked them from the very-different homes they had lived in, so at TPR they could be promoted and ultimately placed as a "sibling group for adoption" under the lies of "The Forever Family Social Experiment"???? 

Absolutely not.

I'm happy/proud that our adopted daughter is being honored in her profession...

I'd still be proud, it would bother me so much less had she "just" been a foster child for all the crap she throws, that follows the pattern SO MANY adopted adults who have started with numerous caregivers... in foster-systems/orphanages.

It would bother me so much less for all the crap that has happened... and for all the crap that appears to continue to flow.

Excuse me... I feel nauseous.  

Proverbs 13:12Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Beautiful Orlando Moms

This past weekend I got to see the most beautiful moms in all the world as they gathered to support and encourage each other in their experiences parenting traumatized children.

Oh these weekends make my heart sing!!!!

Many Have Traveled This Path Long Before Me

Hubby and I were enjoying an anniversary cruise to exotic locations.  Dinners were at a set time with the same delightful couples.  Breakfasts and lunches were "open seating."

During a delightful lunchtime "chance" seating... Dear Hubby and I joined two other couples.  One couple was chronologically about 10 years behind us... and the other couple about 30 years ahead of us.  The older couple started to say how they were celebrating an anniversary that actually occurred the month prior, but preferred to celebrate it while children were in school.  They said September is a great time to sail, because most kids are in school... except homeschoolers!

I laughed and agreed, then confessed we were one of those "homeschool families."

I started to say something along the lines of "when we found out what they were and weren't teaching in school... we pulled them out..."  But stopped myself mid sentence because while that is why many choose to homeschool, it was not why we homeschooled.

Darn!  I didn't want to talk kids... talk RAD... again.  Not here, not now... not in the middle of this gorgeous dining room, on this gorgeous day with delightful people cruising in the middle of the sparkling cerulean sea.  When will the pain of this journey of adoption be over?

I corrected myself and said, "actually..." years ago we adopted a special needs sibling group who were very troubled.  Our daughter had 17 families before us when we got her at almost 6 years old.  Homeschooling helped her... tremendously... but sadly the process of becoming an adult reawakened many of her and her half biological brother's abandonment issues.  They've been estranged from us for 4 years now...it's heartbreaking... "but what can anyone do, except pray for the best for them"

The older gentleman to my right said... I know exactly what you're talking about.  He patted my arm and assured me that me and my husband gave our kids what they needed... and that is what is important.

He shared how he and his wife had five beautiful girls when a commercial on tv encouraged viewers to become foster parents because there was such a tremendous need.   The couple made a call and became foster parents to a young baby.... had him for 2.5-3 years and were able to adopt him.  This man kept talking about his youngest daughter (in past tense form) and shaking his head... and referring to the fact that of his six kids, he and his wife only had three "remaining"... (he didn't specify... and seemed like he felt he was already talking too much about it... but it sounded like at least one of his kids had been "lost" through estrangement... like there was a grave price for the biokids to pay because the adopted child required so much of their time and energy and attention, he kept inferring that his biological children suffered... greatly.)

As this adoption veteran, who served so many years before us, was patting my arm and consoling me... he seemed to take comfort in his own words...

We've given these destitute kids what they needed when they were small.
That is what is important...
...and it hasn't gone unnoticed. 

Family Matters... Genetics Matter

There are times where I'm so happy for me, and simultaneously sad for not only our adoptees, but all adoptees... and "step" kids.  This is one of those times.  Doors are opening leading to some interesting  reconnections with my extended family members.  Such cool opportunities, but exactly the kind of thing if our adoptees were still in the picture, I might have tiptoed away from... to have spared their hurt feelings.

In various situations I've observed how the "really-related, but not quite really really" whether step or adopted relate to the non-bloodline relatives.  I've never seen, nor heard anyone but the "steps" hesitantly and awkwardly discuss the "really-related, but not quite really really" thing.  There always seems to be so much pain for the child who is "really-related, but not quite really really" no matter how much everyone around them insists they REALLY are part of the family.  Having read Nancy Verrier's Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up I was especially interested in her discussion of the importance and impact a lack of genetic mirroring causes in adopted individuals. 

It is so politically incorrect in adoption circles to talk about genetic significance... As adoptive parents we want the world to sing to our children that they BELONG in our family... and they are loved.  We want to protect our kids from the slightest whisper that they might not really be a part of our family.

I believe Genetic significance is an issue that boldly presents itself in every non-bio adoption... whether we pretend it's invisible or not... and NEEDS to be discussed for our kids optimal health.  It seems pretending genetic significance is unimportant only assists our adoptees in lingering in other unhealthy worlds of make-believe.  Genetics matter.  Family history matters.  Not discussing genetic significance early and often as a matter of fact, loving manner betrays our children as much as the mirror betrays their fit in our families every time they look at us, and look at themselves in a mirror.  Getting everyone talking about it... not pretending differences don't exist... not hush hushing and getting offended when the subject comes up helps us all keep our kids rooted in love and truth. 

I believe our kids' lack of genetic mirroring plays a big part in what pushes them on their quest to reject us and define and create a place where they feel they belong... where they "really feel" they are part of a family.  

Currently I'm thrilled to have extended family connections being made overseas... and it is a happy kind of excited time for me!  

Can anyone relate to my excitement of unearthing extended family information? 

As happy as I am for me... I do get a bit sad for our adoptees.  I hope some day they can find things that are cool and awesome and like them in their genetic line... that they can see themselves mirrored genetically if not in the generations that have preceded them, in the generations that follow them. 


Last Fall, my cousin's wife shared with me photos of my paternal grandparents.  Her mother-in-law had them in their belongings before she passed away.  These beautiful wonderful women... related to me "only" through marriage (and A LOT of love!!!!) have preserved tidbits of my genetic history I'd never seen before!!!!

I get a kick out of looking into those photos to see which of the relatives I know looks like which grand parent.  I'm curious if anyone might say they see a bit of me in their eyes, or nose or cheeks or hair or height or personality.  Genetics matter.

Certainly the best pedigree does not influence an iota of what any person accomplishes with the talents and means that life presents them with... having great talent, or wealth in no way makes a person prosperous nor grand.  We are each largely responsible for the person we use the talents and treasures bestowed upon us to become.

Genetics are not of paramount importance... but they do matter. 

The Best Husband in the World and I have future plans visit a place where I've heard my genetic family has culturally made quite an impact.  I'm definitely more excited than hubby about that part of our trip, because it's MY side of the family.  Hubby is still interested... just not as interested as I am.   Because through marriage he is "really-related, but not quite really really."

I'm not so much interested to see that side of the family's wealth, nor the dollar value of their contributions... I'm interested to see if I look carefully enough will see a bit of my grandfather in historic photos of that nation's benefactor.  I'm hoping to speak with people who knew and remember the benevolent distant relative because I hope to compare and contrast nuances I've seen along that family line... specifically both sharp wit and sparkling personalities.

On "the other side" of my family there is rumored within the family to have been a "family" castle that was "passed down" but at some point within the last 40? years abandoned because government taxes were too much of a burden for the one who had inherited it to have maintained the property.  Amongst my cousins there has been a very weak rally of "We should look into reclaiming" the abandoned inheritance.  Yeah, we're all a bit busy for that kind of treasure hunt... but it is fun to imagine what might be "ours."

My point is... When it comes to family... there are things that CAN BE INHERITED...

Family Matters... Genetics matter.

Of our children... one has the genetic disposition of not being born to alcoholic, drug addicts.  That one has a distinctly advantageous genetic make up.  It wasn't her choice... it wasn't ours, it's simply genetics.  Oh, if we could have selected genetic make up, for our kids we would have certainly selected all our children would get our adopted son's "easily athletic" genes that  our adopted daughter's the "doesn't catch colds" genes and our bio kid's "not mentally ill" genes.

There are "genetic line" things I would love to have saved our biokid from... mostly I would love to save her from the diabetic predisposition that runs on both bio sides of her family.  She's not diabetic yet, thank God... She works hard to keep it at bay.  The truth remains but she is predisposed through the genes both my parents passed to me, and my husband's parents passed to him, through the genes we passed to our bio daughter.

Oh what I would do to preserve our adoptees from the genetic predisposition to alcoholic/addictive lifestyles!!!  ...To my knowledge neither of our adoptees are acloholic/drug addicted yet, however, I do know their genetic history, and as likely our bio MAY develop diabetes, the bio-children-of-addicts whom we adopted MAY develop various addictions like their bio parents.

Sadly I see traits of a genetic syndrome that includes diabetes in our bio child...

And sadly I see traits of addictive personalities in our adoptees...

The video below was featured on aol today... because the teaser mentioned many things I'd read related to RAD and the fact the video was only about six minutes total I tuned in.  I know some who are parenting RAD diagnosed children deal with realities much harsher than we have experienced with our kids.  Mr Fallon discusses genetic predisposition, exposure to violence at certain times of development, and biology/chemistry of the human brain as all being contributing factors.

At around marker 4:03 Mr. Fallon tells how his Mom shares his "interesting" and violent family history.

For now, let's all hope for the best in all we've passed on to our children through the environments of our loving homes.

It's nice to know if an inherited old castle becomes too burdensome we can hope to abandon it... It would be nice if we could likewise  abandon the other burdensome things we inherit through family matters... genetic matters.
Around 4:03 in This TED Video, Jim Fallon talks about an interesting genetic fact regarding his family