Blissful Ignorance and a Rearview Mirror

Yesterday, seated behind my hubby at lunch, there was a woman and two young boys (about 10 years old?) I assumed they were mother and sons.

One kid pretty much had his face to the plate and was gobbling his food. The other one was so sweet... so attentive, so sincere, communicative, from time to time he'd offer his mom a taste of something she had asked about on his plate. I got teary... remembering when my son was in "the beautiful years"

Billy noticed me tearing up and asked what was bothering me... all I could choke out was "I'll tell you in the car" 'cause I was on the verge of the big ugly cry.

Hubby goes into "surveillance mode" looking for any of the usual faces of betrayal (who we knew via the church we raised the kids in) that might be in our midst... he says "oh, I see... is that Lisa over there?" Nodding toward the large woman with curly blonde hair and glasses...

Just a few seconds before hubby thinks he's solved it...  directly behind my hubby... facing me, is the charming  distraction that drove me to the brink of sobbing.  The boy says loudly and clearly "My mom NEVER packs me any lunch!"

I tell my hubby "No, it's not Lisa... oh and Crisis Averted" and in one second I go from choked up to giggling the sad giggle with the realization that the "charming little boy" was probably more like our son than I ever realized!

Part of me wants to go back through the beautiful years, now that I UNDERSTAND the diagnosis of RAD so much better... and realize how sick they probably have always been... while I was blissfully ignorant.

Part of me is so very grateful to have been clueless!

Let's Call Them "Kids" 'till They're Thirty!

Soapbox Alert.  This is one of the "soapboxes" I dust off from time to time stand up and rattle on about. 

I'm not a fan of granting "adult-children" all the privileges and none of the responsibilities of adulthood. 

"Florida 627.6562 allows for dependent children up to 25, who live with their parent or are a student, and up to 30 years old, who are also unmarried and have no dependent child of their own, to remain on their parents' insurance." 

I'm concerned about laws like this that keep pushing out the "age of maturity." 

Yes, it's optional... now... but how long until it's mandated that parents become obligated by governmental laws to financially support extended adolescence?

When our 18 and 21 year old RADs were attacking us as "young adults" we were eager to find out FL laws regarding our responsibilities toward our "adult children."  I was grateful to find out over-18, unless court ordered (usually through divorce) we were not obligated to financially support their foolishness.  Other states currently require parents to support their "children" up until age 21!  

I keep hearing "brain experts" say they've used technology to examine the brains of 18-21 year-olds and have found them to be immature and "incapable" of making mature adult decisions.  No wonder!  Our bodies were created in such a way that unused parts atrophy!  That goes for brain cells too!  If  all the little "Jacob"s and little "Sophia"s born last year are not enabled/encouraged/expected by the world surrounding them to begin "doing for themselves" until age thirty... how well prepared will they be when age 30 actually hits?

I can't help but wonder if our "Let's put a video game in their hands and call them 'children' till they're 30" culture has stunted brain development of our young people. 

I KNOW with our early traumatized youth... there is more to their capabilities than what our culture expects of them... but this whole "Congratulations, you have all the rights and none of the responsibilities of an adult" world of insanity is not helping. 

I'm just saying!  

Interesting International news on related topics
http://www.loweringthebar.net/2011/04/man-who-sued-parents-gets-30-days-to-move-out.html

http://www.reuters.com/article/2007/08/02/us-italy-mother-idUSL0288587220070802

Take Heart Adoptive Parents!

Take heart betrayed parents who have poured your lives and your love into the lives of these needy children. Your child's behaviors against you is not personal (even though it feels VERY personal!!!) it is mental illness. I'm not trying to be mean by saying that. Early Trauma affects how the brain develops!

Young adult adoptees "Leaving with a bang" usually by RADtypically triangulating their adoptive parents against whomever is gullible enough to believe their symptomatic Attachment Disordered "deceptive charm" is such a common thing for young adult adoptees to do during the season where it is biologically-age-appropriate for them and their peers to begin embarking into their "adult" lives! I've met so many adoptive families where their (18ish year old) adoptees have not moved out into their own place, have not moved in with peers... instead move in with their "friends" mommies and daddies and start calling them their "new parents" as they pretend for their easily manipulated "rescuers" to have lived lives of abuse in their loving attentive adoptive families. It's almost like these families are experiencing our parallel universe!

I want to encourage you to keep seeking the support of other adoptive parents (In real life... and on the internet!!!!) It is difficult to openly share all the trauma/drama parenting our attachment disordered children has brought into our lives. Some of the "private" or "closed" groups have more detailed support for every level of parenting kids of all ages with RAD diagnosis.

I don't at all mind private messages from parents who are experiencing a similar hell on earth! There really is genuine comfort in knowing we are not alone in loving our children who behave the way they do because they had been through brain altering traumas often starting with inutero exposure to illegal drugs and alcohol, as well as a flood of biomom's stress hormones throughout their prenatal development... combine that with whatever the traumas were that eventually separated them from their birth family... orphancare whether bouncing through the foster system, or rotating staff at actual orphanages... all this long before they ever entered our homes and joined our families.

I've noticed most people understand when there is an explosive teen/young-adult triangulating against a "step" parent... Yet I'm amazed how few people think the "issues" would not NATURALLY be exponentially multiplied when "neither parent" is the biological one.

I have also been amazed to see how much strife comes from members of "pro-life" affiliations who have not themselves adopted. I'm talking churches. I've learned that not everyone who stands under a banner... attends services... serves, "ministers" etc etc etc... not everyone in those positions has enough light of the Lord within them to shine light and love and wholeness and healing toward adoptive families. Instead it appears it is their delight to sow strife... foster rebellion... and create a hostile environment between us and our children. They are the ones whose "prayer circles" are gossip central. They chew up our kids stability as they satisfy their unholy appetites entertained by the drama surrounding our children's mental illness. These people, believe they are "serving God" as they walk out their desire to play savior instead of praying to the Savior.  They get a sick thrill out of attacking our families and patting themselves on the back for the "good work" they're doing. These who believe they are standing under the Cross have been the unkindest of all. If only they would put their efforts to making a positive difference in the lives of orphaned children instead of meddling in our families.  Have they adopted children born addicted... yeah no... didn't think so. 

My hubby and I are grateful there is MUCH encouragement for us in the Bible... and we are grateful for the remnant of those who REALLY know the Lord... and are CAPABLE and successful in shining His light and love. We are grateful for those who hear of our "situation" and speak of it to God asking for healing for our adoptees for healing of the hurts that started long before we ever met them... and for healing of our family of all the pain parenting children adopted out of trauma continues to bring to our lives.

Despite Estrangement, Parental Privileges Are Not Revoked

Dear hubby and I have had an unexplained prayer burden for our son specifically spanning the last 4 days. Our son has not responded to contact since he turned 18. He'll be 21 in October. Just celebrated his first wedding anniversary. We didn't know HOW or WHY he was struggling. God just whispered in our ears he was... And we needed to pray for our all-grown-up little boy. Our oldest/bio-daughter keeps shallow intermittent contact with her adoptive siblings. We encourage and support that contact, but do not pry. We don't want her to feel like an informant. We tell her she is welcome to share what she needs to share and keep confidences private. 

It is truthfully easier for us NOT to hear their activities. 

Our oldest/bio-daughter has shared BIG things that concern her... but doesn't share much else....
Eg- RADdaughter traveling to Germany to "meet" a man she never met before but was in love with him through his mother at work. 
-RADson enlisted.
-RADson eloped
-and the day before I saved this post to draft.... Our oldest/bio-daughter shared our son was being shipped overseas. 

I'm grateful for the privilege to pray for our adoptees.  My prayer is every day they'd take more and more steps closer to healing.

I hate that they are hurting.  I hate that their pain from early traumas experienced long before we ever met them causes them to lash out at this family that has lovingly welcomed and raised them.   I hate that they have hurt the us so badly because thy are hurting. 

I am grateful for the "inside scoop" of prayer burdens for them from The One Who knows them best. 

Adoption in the Media

Has anyone seen the recent Gene Simmon's Family Jewels adoption episodes? 

The family struggled through a series of episodes with the decision of whether to adopt or not. 

I think most adoptive parents expect adoptees to EVENTUALLY become reciprocally loving members of a loving family unit.

As abused as we continue to be in our relationship with our adoptees, I would love to see media present adoption in a realistic light. 

YES these kids need families. 

YES these kids need homes. 

YES it is a HUGE commitment (not only to 18... but a life long commitment to the concept of "forever "family")

YES it is a BIG decision... and YES the whole family should be on-board.  (I'm grateful this tremendous decision was not broadcast as the theme of one half-hour broadcast within the series)

I'm grateful that Shannon is committed to make a difference in the lives of kids who need help. 

I would love for the world to become aware of the "issues common to adopted individuals."  Specifically Attachment issues... the effects of stress/trauma/drug-alcohol exposure to the young developing mind... Reactive Attachment Disorder.  

I would have loved for the Tweed-Simmons' counselor to have explained how an adoptive relationship is different... the "issues" the dangers... the fact that reciprocal love is not always available from children who have been exposed to early traumas.... regardless of how nurturing and maternally gifted a mother might be.