Finally!!!!

We have been asking certain family members for more than three years that IF they choose to have contact with our estranged adult adoptees...

PLEASE learn about Reactive Attachment Disorder!

PLEASE learn how to best be supportive of adoptive families as a whole!

PLEASE learn about triangulation that is symptomatic of RAD... and don't allow yourself to be triangulated! 

We never forbade family to see or talk to our children.  We have only asked for a consistent message of  "Your parents love you, YOU NEED TO TALK TO THEM NOT ME about what's going on between you."

Somewhere along the line the easily triangulated ones with the "rescuer" gene would fluctuate between,

"Let's all smile pretty and pretend nothing happened!"

and

 "Don't worry, just because your parents suck, IIIII still love you!  You'll ALWAYS have MY love!"

and

"I have to hear both sides of the situation before I can make a proper judgement about what's going on between you and your parents." 

It seems like last night FINALLY one couple of the most painful perpetuate-ers of strife in our family seemed to "get" how their "good intentioned" meddling has continued to hurt us and our family over the last three years. 

This is huge!!!!

We are grateful for progress. 

We are grateful for family and friends who support our adoptees' return to mental health by supporting our family as a whole. 

We continue to pray for the rest. 

Desperately Seeking Shock and Horror Sympathy and Gifts

Before there was Barney... I was a kid.

Even though there was no Barney, I watched a TV kid show with a singing Dinosaur called H.R. Pufnstuf...

I remember me and the siblings laughing and giggling and singing Witchiepoo's song...
even though we got the lyrics wrong...

As a kid I thought the lyrics were "Oranges Poranges Who Cares!"

Oranges Poranges

When I think "who cares?!" 

I think "Oranges Poranges." 

Feel free to thank me for getting that song caught in your brain!


I've been trying to figure out our estranged "officer RAD"'s motivation for reaching out to our more gullible  extended family to "visit" on a trip up to our home town. 

Yes, there's always the symptomatic RADtypical Triangulation aspect. 


It occurred to me this morning her "audience" of sympathy back here in the town she was raised might actually be waning.

As I think, I wonder...How long can gainfully employed "young adults" continue to gain sympathy, gifts, money, affection, and attention for the various abuses they're pretending to have endured in our care?  Sooner or later the gravy train will dry up. 

The act gets stale... at least that's what I would think.

 Shoot, I can't imagine what motivates the crazies who slurped up our RAD's drama and ended up drooling for more... these nutsos pay for their "real-life-is-better-than-soap-operas" brand of entertainment rewarding our adult RADs with "love" and money and gifts, and sympathy and attention, but I think...I hope... that eventually they might tire of the same old drivel. 

I think perhaps the long-standing local :rescuers" may finally be picking up on the fact that our loving-attached-well-adjusted daughter who grew up in the same home with the same "abusive" parents doesn't want or need them to rescue her from us.  Perhaps the self-appointed-"saviors" are picking up on the "You make me sick, what's the matter with you? Leave our family alone!" vibe our oldest has toward the "church community" who have continued to meddle, and drool and meddle and drool and "rescue.

Certainly they must pick up on the fact that for every week-long+ visit our oldest only willing to spend about an hour or less with the siblings who have attacked our family and perpetuate tales insane falsehoods.

Our now 3-years-older-adult-RADs are not as pitiful as they first appeared when they started their RADtypical triangulation of the community at large against us.

Shoot, in the land of the gainfully employed our "pathetic abused little darlings" are doing better than most of the adult children of their RADtypically triangulated meddlers!

I imagine somewhere even in "rescuers" whose brains have faulty wiring... would eventually have a light come on!!!  How could it not?

Some parents have always been bums.  I'm not saying that to be mean... I'm saying that because generations upon generations of our adoptees' bio-family have allowed "the system" to raise their kids. Lousy parenting is a generational way of life for them... for people in their drug infested environment.  I

We are not lousy parents.  We never have been. 
Half the shock and horror effect that has the insanely deranged audience captivated by... 
THE SCANDAL of our "Beautiful Family"
... is the supposition that we have had this "plastic perfect" exterior while living a secret life of abuse that  would make the next great scandalous reality show.

Our "story" would be far less captivating if we had always been bums in their eyes.  These drama hungry goons put us on a pedestal in comparing our beautiful family to the mess they had made of their own.  They have since enjoyed pushing us off their pedestal, trying to make us crumble, because they are eager to dance in our dust.  It makes them feel better to think we are at least as horrible as they know they have been. 

As our adult RADs broaden their adult-circle in the big outside world and begin to encounter people who were left to grow up in the environment social services removed them from...BEFORE they came to us...  I'm sure there is not much tolerance for our adoptees' "tales of woe" having been raised in our nurturing home... especially as they encounter individuals who were REALLY raised in abusive/neglectful/deprived environments. 

Anyway It seems officer RAD, in reaching out to family she's only related to through the parents she denies, with hopes chasing down a new audience, looking to renew reactions of shock-horror-and-sympathy-and-gifts with those gullible individuals most likely to be generous once entertained by RAD drama. 

I suspect the drama is finally loosing it's power. 
Drama that has been officer RAD's bread and butter;
her roof  and pillow;
her transportation and gifts;
her attention and sympathy...
let's not forget her "only" source of "love."

Oh how I would love for our daughter's RADtypical drama to start to get "Oranges Poranges! Who Cares!" as a response instead of Shock and Horror and Sympathy and Gifts.

When our RADs stop getting tangible and not so tangible reinforcement for their RADtypical behavior, I'm certain they will begin to be encouraged to make healthy choices along life's path.

Hope and Love

I've been consoling myself with the fact that our love for our adopted children has not been wasted... that because Love is eternal...  We have invested well, we continue to invest well... even if our adoptees don't have the ability to love us on this side of eternity.  Our continued investment of Love is one of the eternal treasures we will not loose as we pass to the other side of eternity. 

We began to really understand RAD better after our adult adoptees' "conjoined meltdown" as we read the books published years after the diagnosis that our now-adult adopted daughter was given just as she was placed with us for adoption. 

 Regarding RAD, I was educated after my kids were raised to adulthood, that Love is not enough... by Nancy Thomas... 

When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD  was the first book published for parents raising Attachment Disordered.  It was published three years after our RAD daughter was "officially diagnosed."  It's one of the first books I came across in trying to understand what was going on in the minds of our beloved adopted adult children. 

Love may not be enough... but it's necessary, it's eternal, and we have invested well. 

I've read that "Attachment Disorder" often grows up to be "Borderline Personality Disorder."   From what we've experienced that could very well be the case for our adult adopted children. 

One of the first parenting BPD books I read was titled When Hope is Not Enough by Bon Dobbs. 

I'd been feeling kind of hopeless about hope.  Three years into the insanity of adult adoptee RAD/BPD manipulations/triangulations... hope doesn't "seem to be" working much. 

Most nights as we tuck in, Dear hubby reads us a short devotional from In-Touch Ministries.  The verse about a week ago was from "The Love Chapter" of the Bible. 

1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

How had I possibly forgotten the fact that Hope is eternal????!!!! 

I was instantly encouraged.  Hope is eternal!  Our continued investment hope for our adult adopted children IS NOT WASTED.  Even if we never see on this side of eternity fruit of our invested Hope and Love. 

Faith, Hope, and Love remain... They're eternal.

We have faith in God's promises.... and we continue to invest well. 

Ain't Nobody A Better Mommy for My Baby Than Me!

I have always loved caring for children. 

I studied Early Child Development at a large university. 

Before I had children, I worked at a Day Care Center...  and I was so very grateful to have my first baby "come to work" with me! 

In caring for other people's children, I'd noticed a theme... I call it the "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Of course the bulk of children I'd cared for had all been very well cared for by loving/attentive parents who would strive to provide the very best for their precious children. 

I'd giggle quietly to myself as each mommy would explain in great detail precisely how her baby needed his butt wiped, his food cut, to be burped after every two ounces of formula.  One mommy was concerned her daughter was outgrowing all the beautiful baby dresses friends had given.  Mommy packed four beautiful brand new outfits a day and NEEDED me to change her princess into those outfits during the 8 hours she was in my care every day M-F.  I'd always heed mommy's advice... well, except I probably slacked on the 2-hour costume change request!  Ha ha!  That was over 30 years ago... the child very distinct name.  I just peeked at FB and she's out there... all grown up... but has privacy set so her profile picture is hidden.  I wonder if she has grown up to be the fashion diva her mommy wanted her to be.

Anyway... I noticed this "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in pretty much every parent I had encountered.  It's normal.  Some parents are more ferocious about that quality than others.  I'm not offended when I encounter it from the mom of a child I care for.    I've noticed the syndrome in myself.

When my then childless baby sister (2nd to youngest of 7 kids) began working daycare, she'd be quite devastated by the "critiques" of the mom's she'd encounter in the line of work.   "Do they realize how many diapers I've changed?  Don't they think I know what I'm doing?????!!!!!"  I'd encourage her to relax, it's not personal... it's "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome. 

Well years have passed, and Sis has been a mommy for almost 6 years now... and from time to time she shares frustrations about how her children's teacher's, babysitters, caregivers are FAILING her children by failing to heed her parental wisdom.  When that happens I get to talk my sis down memory lane about how she felt being criticized by parents experiencing "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... it's not personal, and if we want them to heed our advice, the less obnoxious we are in presenting "our advice" the more receptive our child's caregiver will be to oblige and think sweet thoughts about our little angels in their care. 

As I mentioned earlier MOST of the children in my care have only had nurturing, attentive, wonderful care. 

Back in Day Care days there were a couple of kids in sad situations.  Two with regularly drunken dads, and one child was one confirmed victim of repeated child-abuse by mommy's boyfriend.... social services was involved and would visit the school from time to time to update reports, or follow up on new claims.  During one visit to the school, I flat-out asked the social worker "how can you allow this child to keep returning home where he gets cigarette burns up and down all four of his limbs and gets bruises the size of his body?!!!!!!"  The social worker replied "we like to keep families together!  ... and it's not the mom who is hurting the child, it's the boyfriend."   ACK!!!!

Best case scenario is usually "Ain't nobody a better mommy for a baby than bio mom" ... in MOST cases.  

Sometimes intervention is needed. 

Two (almost three) of our children became ours because intervention was needed. 

I've heard a lot of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" advice from a lot of mommies over the years. 

The day our "foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" moved into our home the advice we got from "suddenly retiring after having our foster-adopt-special-needs-sibling-group" foster parents was... "You won't need to spend a lot on groceries!  They don't eat much.  The girls ONLY eat mashed potatoes.  The boy ONLY drinks Orange Juice in a bottle." 

We didn't even try to follow that advice!  It did not seem nurturing, nor loving, nor wise.  Our family pediatrician said "no more juice, it's better for him to eat his fruit than drink it" and encouraged us to not feel guilty about withholding mashed potatoes... just keep on presenting "healthy options" they will eat. We did, and they did.  But oh, there was charm, and stubbornness, and triangulation, and testing. 

I recognized in myself the potential for "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... but this situation was different... my position was more... "justified."  

When the "helpful advice" was given, I hadn't yet been introduced to Reactive Attachment Disorder.  I felt justified in my "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" syndrome... I was GLAD that foster couple had decided to "retire."   (I secretly wondered if they had been "forced" to retire.)   Certainly my brand new "babies" (ages 2.5, a week from 6, and 13) had OBVIOUSLY NOT been "nurtured" for the three months they were in that couple's care. 

Then we got to see the united front the three half-bio-siblings put up to "fight" us on their "dietary needs." Woah... it was hard to blame the old couple for not having the fortitude to maintain the battle. 

The retired couple wanted to visit.  We invited them to come.  First words out of "Mama L"'s mouth was how thin our son had gotten since they had cared for him.Her words blatantly oozed  "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me!"   In our care our son had grown into the "average" zone for height and weight.  If you read a touch of "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" in that sentence... good eye... 'cause it's there! 

I've tempered my judgment of our children's prior foster couple with understanding of how exactly "strong willed" our new kids were... combined with the knowledge that all moms tend to believe "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me" ...even if "our babies" are only "ours" for a short period of time.  I know from working in schools it's tough to see "my kids" from "my classroom" move up to the next grade.  Caring for children... really caring for children... then letting them go, more than tugs at my heartstrings.  Even in classroom settings my hope has always been as I let go that the people that have "my" students next will be as caring, as nurturing, as I had been. 

Fast Forward 17.5 years post-adopting RAD. 

I understand RAD more and more as I view Parenting RAD through the rear-view mirror. 

Our Adult RAD kids have RADtypically triangulated gullible people to become their "new mommies and daddies."   Those people believe about our kids "Ain't nobody a better mommy for my baby than me."
Only the "babies" they claim have never been theirs. 

They blame us for our children's problems... Kinda like we blamed the retiring foster couple Mr and Mrs "Momma L" who had our kids three months before they moved into our home. 

Our "officially diagnosed" RAD had 17 foster families/failed adoption placements before she came home to us.  Her problems have nothing to do with  Mr and Mrs "Momma L."  Her problems have nothing to do with us. 

Our Adult RADkid's RADtypically triangulated rescuers don't understand... like we didn't understand... the problems our children have began loooooong before we ever knew them... and long before they spent three months with Mr and Mrs "Momma L."

Baby Mommas

I've heard our estranged daughter's BF of several months is a big guy...

This is one of the first ones she's not fallen in love with his mother, then proclaimed before dating he is the one she will marry.  So that's a change of pace. 

She's going up to where MY family and My in-laws live to meet his family. She wants him to meet our family as well. Officer RAD has invited the gullible ones to meet her man. 

(Can our family be "her" family if she's ONLY related to them through us, and she's disowned us?)

Turns out there's a couple Baby Mommas in this guy's life. 

"But supposedly he's a good dad... he tries to stay in contact with his three kids."

REALLY... I'm happier not knowing. 

Trying to Love My Enemies

Yeah.

Today I saw the family that's been running away from us in public places... we've been praying for them... really. 

Their crap hurts.

As often as their crap hurts us, we pray for them. 

It's obvious they don't have love to offer... and that alone is enough reason for me to pray for them.

Today I called the matriarch by name, she covered her face with her bible, pretending to be reading as she was walking,  I called her name again, she looked up... I told her we've been praying for you and the family.  We have, as a matter of fact I was praying for their family by name on the way to church because we often see their adult son there.  We've never seen the whole family there.

Today I saw a man who used to lead the homeschool sports stuff we brought our kids to.  I was told our "officer RAD" estranged three years responded to a call... "Hey, I saw your daughter not too long ago..." 

Normally I tell people if you see officer RAD... tell her her mommy and daddy love her very much. 



Today... mommy is tired of the bullshit. 

Today mommy would like to imagine life without the ongoing trauma traumatized kids have brought to our lives.   3 years and counting.  God help me.  Please.

So today I was daydreaming about requiring our adult adoptees to give back our name.

Yay...trying to love my enemies...

Matthew 5:43-48 Love for Enemies

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Happy Traumaversary? They've Moved Out of My Home, Would Someone Kindly Evict Them From My Brain?!!!!

Right smack dab between birthday celebrations and our wedding anniversary is our Traumaversary.

It was yesterday. 




Yesterday officially marked 3 years since our adoptees had their "conjoined meltdown" and the older of the two adoptees filed false allegations of abuse against her dad... then filed for (and was denied) a restraining order against both of us because as her sworn application states she "feared for her life."  Trauma, Drama, Devastation.  All so typically RAD. 

Well... Mother's Day I got a text... Father's Day hubby got a text and an email.  We rejoiced because we thought perhaps our persevering hope was winning out. 

Our oldest (bio) has made a point to be home for our birthdays.  We've told her she doesn't need to... but in reality her visit, her real-life-hugs and abundant love is the sweetest gift. 

We were dropping her at the airport last night... it seems a bomb threat along her plane's earlier path set her departure out a few hours past what was originally slated.  The airline explained she should arrive on time "in case" they were able to send plane off as originally scheduled.   This gave us the gift of a few more hours to  enjoy a leisurely meal at the airport before she departed.  I so totally didn't even realize yesterday was THE TRAUMAVERSARY. 

Today I got an invite to join a RAD support group from another adoptive mom parenting RAD who seems to be living our parallel universe RADwise.  I thanked her kindly and started to explain it's been ALMOST three years since we're empty nesters... and I need my focus to be less on what was... more on our future... then I realized... it's not almost three years... it's three years yesterday. 

Most days I'm doing fine.  I have "moments" where I feel deeply the pain they and their rescuers delight to inflict.  Their rescuers feel justified in their insanity because they have fallen into the trap of believing our RADs' RADtypical charm and deception. 

Smack dab in the middle of our oldest child's visit... I WOKE UP ANGRY.  Most days, when I contemplate RADs' gift to us... I'm hurt... I'm sad... but I was surprised how angry I was.  And that's how it hits me.  Right in the middle of abundant JOY here come those feelings.  It's the joyful happy memories that trigger me the most.  I feel so betrayed. 

I have been so betrayed. 

I continue to be betrayed. 

I told my husband I want so desperately to give up on them.  To close that door and never look back.  I don't want to be hurt by them or their "rescuers" anymore.    I've hidden most of their pictures from my sight around the house.  The photos are not destroyed... I think one day I might regret losing those photos.  I just don't want to see them now. 

I want to evict them from my brain. 

Meanwhile most of the "Somebody That I Used to Know" song reminds me of them... because I haven't recognized them in years.  In three years... and counting.