How Many Parents Will the Grandkids Have?

I appears the plight of the Attachment Disordered child who has had many sets of parents in their young life is there is often a cycle that repeats itself in future generations when healing halts regresses or fails . 

I may have previously shared my philosophy that performing offensive actions we have failed to forgive may just be part of a Divine plan to ultimately promote forgiveness.  

Forgiveness is essential. 

Allowing the offended the opportunity to experience things from the perspective of the offender grants us insights that might have otherwise gone unseen.  It seems to me the less we understand the harder it might be to extend forgiveness... The more perspective we gain helps us to more readily excuse less than stellar actions from others that have in-likeness hurt us. 

"Officially dx'd RAD" adoptee had been on again off again with a guy whose kid is our young granddaughter's age.  As both girls were learning to talk, each kid would (out of respect?) call the other's parent "mom" or "dad." 

Grandbaby-daddy makes kids he won't support with whomever will participate.  RAD thinking's solution is support baby-daddy (who won't work on the books because then other baby mommas might make their claim against his money). Our daughter puts her child in his "care" so she can earn money "on the books" while he openly beds down with whomever is willing in front of the child.  Our daughter had expressed concern if "something happens" while Ho of the moment is drugging, our daughter may lose custody of that child because she ultimately keeps endangering the child by leaving her in such dangerous circumstances.  RAD thinking justifies this endangerment because keeping reckless baby daddy actively involved in the child's life will keep her daughter from  experiencing the heartaches our daughter herself experienced as a child who eventually ended up with us as her 19th set of parents at age six... 

Right?   

One of the most consistent evidences of how RAD has affected our daughter for as long as we've known her is poor cause-and-effect reasoning skills.

It's not that she never "gets it" usually she will... eventually... 

Her counselor would frequently express how imperative it is that for our daughter's mental health we allow her to experience "natural consequences" of her poor choices.  It will help heal her brain. 

It's hard to sit by allowing our adopted children to hurt their own children the way their parents hurt them.  

I titled this post with a question I ponder...

How many parents will our grandchildren have?  

I know a huge part of our adoptees psychological  issues is the fact they have had so many mommies and daddies before us...

I know baby daddy is a womanizer.  Ugh.  Women can be such suckers for a man with a baby!  I'd not be surprised for a moment if playa-baby-daddy woos whomever he's currently "entertaining" by having our grandchild call each next gullible woman "mommy."

I'm willing to bet our daughter might be a little more discretionary in whom she encourages her daughter to call daddy...  What her standard for how many days or what milestones  must pass before each boyfriend becomes the next "daddy" I honestly don't know... 

Point is I'd not be surprised if our granddaughter, like her mother, will by adulthood, have many "daddies and mommies" as mom follows attachment disorder's path through numerous relationships.   Oh how we pray that would not be the case!

I also wonder how our grandchildren raised by those inflicted with Attachment Disorder will define their "real" family as they enter adulthood having entertained their bio-parents' assorted romantic interests and assorted parental substitutes each as additional mommies and daddies.  

So much to cover in prayer. Ahhh the privilege of "really" being mom and dad!

Hubby and I continue to pray our adoptees will take the difficult steps to find healing, stop manipulating, and allow themselves to experience truly loving relationships for their own sakes and for the sake of their children.

Dancing into the Sunset

Ha ha!

This year one of my hubby's birthday gifts to me was the promise to enroll us as a couple in the community's Senior Citizen center.  His (older, but I'm catching up for sure) age allowed us to join as a couple.  I've got a pal whose been eager for me to "qualify" so we can do fun things together there like ping-pong... and I've been eager to join the arts classes they offer.

Together and happy together,  my husband and I are entering this silvery season of life... I laugh because we keep advancing in maturity...  we are dancing together into the Sunset.

I tell friends I'm looking for the brakes... I don't want to get off the ride, I'd just like to "slow my roll."  Ha ha!

As I read through this blog I'm often disappointed by how poorly my adoption related writing reflects the joys relating to our "reality" of day-to-day life most days.

I'd started, but never much felt "inspired" to blog in my non-adoption blog.  The way I see it is when I talk anything but adoption seemingly the whole world "gets it."  My need to share that joyous part of our lives is satiated. 

As you who know... know, we get to share the happy realities of everything with all our friends and family... I simply don't have much need to express further my daily life... and to feel heard... and understood.

And you who know... know, so many JUST DON'T GET the typical complications of  adopting Attachment Disordered individuals.  This blog is where I feel the need to relate with you who really "get it."  I appreciate you!  I cherish you!!!  You are a bigger gift to us than you can even imagine!!!!

In all other aspects of life...
My dear hubby and I are dancing into our sunsetting years and we are having fun!!!! 

 

LOVE this gif!!!  Not sure who to credit!!!!

I'd like to take a moment to encourage our fellow adoptive parents especially the ones who are where we were 20 years ago early in the adoptive way of life...

...PLEASE....

...be careful not to burn the sacrifice of your relationship with the one you're supposed to dance off into the sunset with as you pour yourselves out to extinction on the "altar of finding healing" for the child(ren) who through no fault of their own... and through no fault of ours have issues that they will most likely struggle with their whole lives.  

Oh how I continue to pray

  "healed hallelujah!!!"

would be the next plot twist 

for our adoptees' 

complicated lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd like take a moment during this typically busy holiday season to encourage all adoptive parents to take note from airline safety protocol... make sure you're obtaining and maintaining The Oxygen your marital relationship needs to survive!  Commit to making sure your relationship's needs are securely in-place every-step-of-the-way as you try to help those who are yet unable to care for themselves.  

Most of our kids are supposed to grow up and embark on their adult lives... 

...helping them as best as we are able is a fine and noble high calling... 

...just PLEASE

don't loose perspective 

of your happily-ever-after.   

We, the parents 

who have blessed,

and been blessed by

these children 

who were not conceived by us... 

raising them in our families... 

in our homes...

...are supposed to enjoy life in our nest together with the our spouse long after our children have flown to the extent they are capable.  

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May the peace of Christ fill your hearts and your homes!  

We Met "Them" on Vacation ...the Rescuers

Dear Hubby and I were away on a lovely trip and struck up a conversation with another couple.  Their daughter is in the same line of work that I do.  The mom expressed concern that her daughter "cares too much" and has been hurt quite badly.  Well conversation went on to detail how this successful adult daughter had hoped to save some rent money by getting a roommate.  Thanks Craigslist!!!   The roommate ended being a grown adult "project."  Whom their caring daughter has ended up supporting.

The couple went on to say this adult "new member of their family" wasn't their daughter's romantic interest, just "such a sad case" ...was abandoned by her mother when she was very young.   Etc etc etc.

Because daughter still hoped to save money by sharing expenses... She then invited her younger sister to move in and share 3 br apt in DC area so the two sisters could support this sad adult who seemed perpetually unable to find/keep work enough to chip in on expenses.

The couple we met went on to explain how this "unofficially adopted" adult  "daughter" their family had taken in as their "own" had fairly well used the family for all they're worth and stabbed them in the back for their "kindnesses."

Just before this trip, the woman of concern was successfully removed from their daughters' apartment with MUCH DRAMA...

The couple were concerned their tender hearted daughter might feel sorry for the woman with a long history of abandonment and allow her back.  

They were fretting about their adult children's safety and wellbeing while they were vacationing in the middle of another country.

Hubby and I listened and had the ability to explain to this couple about "issues common to adopted adults."  We explained how pretending to be "the family this poor woman never had" was their first mistake.  We encouraged SHOULD they decide to continue some kind of relationship, they should establish strong boundaries and if this woman craves "family" they should encourage this woman to restore contact with the family she enjoyed before adulthood.   We encouraged friendship/without providing for this capable and manipulative adult.

We strongly encouraged should they as a family decide to continue with this woman who profited from and seriously endangered their family... We encouraged keeping very clear strong borders and definitions of who their own "real" family is.  

RADtypically Triangulated Sister-in-Law

Look at her... look at her life... Look at her children.  

The more one looks, the easier one will understand how drama is so attractive to her. 

"I'm thinking about our kids today."

"I'm thinking about our kids today."

My husband and I find ourselves saying this to each other often.

It's code for "My heart is hurting. When will the pain stop?"

Today I was fantasizing about a day when thoughts of our children would not enter our brain.  I think a strong dose of Alzheimer's would be required for that to happen. 

We think often of ALL our kids ... not just the ones who have RAD.


We get "warm fuzzy" feelings when we think of the daughter who reciprocates in our parent/adult-child relationship. 



The adult-children who RADtypically lashed out at us... even our Ten Beautiful Years of happy memories HURT...

Walking in Courage Doesn't Mean Your Knees Won't Knock

I am SOOOOO impressed with our oldest daughter's maturity and bravery! 

She has been making many love based decisions... that look past what is comfortable... to choose what is VERY UNCOMFORTABLE... so she can go forward in life with the least amount of regrets.   

Last night she dove into the piranha tank... to be supportive of her brother's marriage.  

"Forever Family"

"Forever Family"

I buried the ONLY earthly father I have ever had last month.

.

The ONLY  mother I have ever had is now his widow.

 .

Both are my biological parents.

.

My six biological siblings and I were raised by both of them, together.

.

 Had Dad lived a few more months...

Mom and Dad would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this year. 

                                                           

Dad and I have always had a reciprocal loving relationship.

What a wonderful thing it is 

to be confident in love! 

Dad and I 
have always been 
part of 
a      
"Forever Family."

In Dad's "last years" our bio-daughter frequently commented with admiration how my Dad was loved and respected by MANY ...and looked up to as a "father figure" to so many fatherless individuals.

 ***

Certainly there is pain and grief regarding loss of my beloved "Daddio" here on earth!

                                                           

Yet,

the pain related to my father's death

is not nearly as 

deep
and as  

cutting

as the depth

of  

pain

and  

grief

related to our adult RADs' "RAD-typical" rejection of us.

"They" 

(adoption promoters) 

PROMISED us 

and our "new" kids 

we would be  "Forever Family."            

My definition of "Family" is directly related to my experiences.  

My kids draw their definition of  "Family" from their experiences. 

I believe one of our biggest problems

in our relationship with our adult adoptees is  

we've had different experiences.

I can't imagine going through life without the foundation of my Mom ALWAYS being my Mom... and my Dad ALWAYS being my Dad. 

We prayerfully hope one-day our RADaffected adoptees will be able to have loving reciprocal relationships.

And while we wait... 

my husband, bio-daughter, and I 

remain heartsick!!!!!!!!!!!!

 .

.

.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
      But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."

-Proverbs 13:12

Giving Thanks and Babies

This Thanksgiving I got to spend much time with two little ones.  One, just turned one and is taking her first steps... 8 consecutive steps at our house thrilled her grandparents because it had been the most she'd taken to-date.

The other little one is our oldest daughter's friend's first child.  He's almost two months old. 

I thoroughly enjoyed time with the house hustling and bustling with guests of all ages... and I especially loved time with the little ones.

I've always been "good with kids."  That's part of the reason why I've enjoyed being mom so very much!!!



In the midst of enjoying these sweet babies whom we celebrated with great anticipation their arrival, as well as each and every milestone they continue to achieve,  there is a little one, because of her mother's estrangement we don't have permission to celebrate. 

I've contemplated various "celebrate her life anyway" ideas... donating gifts "in her honor" to various crisis pregnancy organizations... I just can't get worked up about doing that, yet. 

Adoptive parents, and adult adoptees alike... who have gone decades before us console us with the "normalness" of our adult adoptees behaviors.

When you take a minute and consider... It really does seem constant and natural...

...that those who had no say ...

...as their personal definition of family was changed... 

...EACH time social services stepped in...

...again, and again, and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again,  and again...  (19 "agains" are in honor of our adopted daughter's bio-parents, the 17 failed/foster/adoptive sets of parents before us, and us... her 19th set of parents who were blessed with her and her half biological siblings from different paths just about a week before that little girl turned six years old)

...whether social services intervened 

to rescue the child

 from their biological family's

 inability to keep the small child

 safe from abuses

no child should have to endure...

...or... 

...to rescue foster/adoptive parents

 from child originated abuses

 no parent should have to endure...

When these kids (whose core-reality-based definition of "Family" has been botched so many times in a child's lifetime) become adults... it is normal, constant and natural for them THROUGHOUT THEIR LIVES, to re-define and re-define who is REALLY and not really their REAL family...

Just Giving Them the Love You Don't

Can you not see, that with your good intentions, you are actually hurting our children?!

Ninteen Sets of Parents... And Counting...

Her social worker estimated our newest daughter moved about every three months... from age twenty-one months... until she was placed in our home at about a week or two from age six.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is what her Psychologist diagnosed...
...Before anything was published for parents,
...Before DSMV offered to more-specifically define "RAD."

It made sense.  ANY child, even one who hadn't been pickled in the womb... hadn't been raised in "that environment" for almost the first two years... BUT  might "ONLY"  have been moved from one ONLY-LOVING home to another... every three months.... from 21 months... would certainly have "issues." 

It's not her fault.  

It's not ours either.  

We're the 19th set of parents... and counting.

I'd love to say we're the last.

We're learning her ongoing behavior is quite typical for adults who had multiple caregivers in early childhood. 

She's an adult now.  She's serving society in a respectable career on "the other side of" her family of origin's income generating efforts.

We're confident we impacted her life positively.

She still, understandably, has "issues."

Prickly as a cactus... we continue to love her as much as she will allow.

It seems loving this child and her half-biological sibling group that were placed together with us for adoption requires (of course) that we honor their journey.

Their experiences are nothing like our experiences of origin.

Our family has always been "ours."

We naively believed The Forever Family Social Experiment's promise... they'd belong to "ours" forever.

That promise never acknowledged our newest children's reality.

Yes... Legally we're their parents.  Yes.  We LEGALLY gave them our name.  Yes, We went into this all-in.  Our hearts have been and continue to be committed.   Yes, we had "family expectations" based on our own knowledge of what family is. 

But their reality is...

Who the social experiment defined as their latest "Real Family" kept changing.... 18 times before us... and Who they choose to define as their "Real Family" will continue to change God knows how many times after us.

At 21 She played Babe-ette to her initial drama triangulating "savior" Momma-ette and Dadda-ette...  until that particular paradise failed... as the overzealous-savior-mom-internet-psychology-student moved into an ethics-less internship under the woman who used to foster our adoptee's half-bio sister for eight years...  together the two mental health "professional" wannabees betrayed our daughter regularly until she got disgusted and moved on to the next set people she'd define as her "real-family."


Six years since what I call our adoptee's "RAD-typical" Conjoined meltdown.... Six years of mostly estrangement... with mini-bursts of masked connection from the "officially diagnosed" one... In perfect line with the diagnosis given to her at age 7...

Radtypically, Our adoptees continue to follow their own hearts and minds to find the family that is presently "most-real" to them.

Our "officially diagnosed"Daughter is radtypically currently playing daughter/sister to a mother/daughter duo who due to drug addiction were separated for many years.  Familiar.  Manipulative on all sides. Perfect for now.  I imagine their dynamic must draw her because they "understand" her reality. 

Sonny-delight continues to pretend our former friends are his "real family"... (He was removed at birth and was estimated to have about 9 or 10 sets of parents before the special needs sibling group was placed with us when he was about 2.5 years old.)

Well meaning Christian people believe they are serving JESUS to play rescuer/savior to our adoptees... yet in all their efforts to SAVE our children they reject any possibility their own meddling and pretending to be "THE FAMILY OUR CHILDREN NEVER HAD" is actually harming these adult-children who bear our name... these grown children we carry in our hearts. 

When we address these of the most stout servitude, explaining how their "help" serves to divide our family... explaining...

Instead of Playing Savior... 

...they should be Praying to The Savior! 

 When we bare our hearts to these assorted, well intentioned family members and "Christian" friends.... explaining how hurtful their "rescuing" behaviors are to our family as a whole... What they seem to hear is "Never talk to our children!"  They are so deceived.  

 

20 Years Later Social Experiement 1995

Wow... 20 years of adoption.

Update.... SHE's BAAAACK....

Our 5.5 years estranged daughter began dating a man who ALSO has a one year old daughter, just like the grandchild we'd never met... sooo cool right???

Well, it turned out he attends our church... and our adopted daughter being the girl who wears masks to please whomever she's with, texted us mid-service asking if we'd like to meet our grandchild.

Our daughter was somewhere in our mega-congregation looking right at us.

yay.


About 10 months ago we'd gotten to meet our adopted daughter's daughter... she's cute like her momma. 

Since then, we've gotten together with our daughter about a handful times, had the privilege of treating a couple meals for our daughter and her daughter and her (then) boyfriend... and his daughter... and his daughter's half brother that is not his son.  Many meals we've sat politely smiling through her jabs, about our "abusive" writing assignments that has helped her to ultimately do quite well in her chosen profession... while the boyfriend defended our (awesome) parenting techniques.

We're grateful for progress... most days.

About 10 months have gone by since the "first" meeting... It is quite evident that RAD continues...

Adopted-daughter's-daughter's 2nd birthday happened... without us.  I wonder how old she will be when/if we get to celebrate her first birthday with us?

Turns out adopted-daugther now hates "the savior mommy" who initially "rescued" her from us almost six years ago.... and has in the interim selected yet another "new-mommy" and "new-daddy"

Not long ago they just buried the "new-daddy" our Adopted-daughter's-daughter's "pop-pop." 

My husband's heart aches... "Pop-pop" is his title for 'OUR GRANDKIDS"... Yet it's emblazoned all over social media "in memory" of our adopted daughter's drinking buddy's "Danny" (the drinking buddy's step-dad... poor guy... the female child he "daddy"'d never would call him "Dad.")  Who knows what our adopted-daughter called him... but as evidenced through social media crapola ...the recently-deceased-"Danny" got to know the joys of grandfather-hood via our adopted-daughter's-daughter.I understand why "that family" is so attractive to our adopted daughter... familiarity.  That "new mommy" herself I'm told lost her privilege of raising her own daughter (our daughter's drinking buddy).  Around the time we met that family when the girl was about 13 she had just been returned to "mother's care" under close supervision by the grandparents who seemed to frequently threaten to take the kid back. 

Adopted-daughter is doing well in her profession... She promised to let us know when she finds out about date for awards dinner... well... guess who is featured in "of the year" awards photos... her New-mommy number 21... (let's see... if I at adoption was "mommy number 19"... that would make her 21... and counting probably... right?) 

Oh yeah, but wait...  Hubby and I REALLY ARE mommy and daddy according to "The Forever Family Social Experiment" documents... right?????

We're real mommy and daddy?

Or is bio-mommy and bio-daddies?

How about all the the 17 foster/failed adoption placements before us... how real are they???  

Hubby and I keep consoling ourselves with 

"This isn't personal, it's not her fault, but it's not ours either."

We've found ALL we've been experiencing is SO VERY COMMON to adult adoptees who also have our adopted daughter's diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder.

So... for the past 20 years our family has been unwittingly part of a social experiment...

I had never needed to signify our adopted daughter as our "adopted daughter" until as an adult she began crying abuse and "playing baby" to whomever would take her in after us.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of this social experiment.

20 years ago the social worker explained to us "It used to be rare circumstances would lead to involuntary termination of parental rights, but we've found these kids get raised in the foster system only to return to and perpetuate their parent's dysfunction.  Nowadays they TPR so the kids can have a chance for a different life than their family of origin could provide."

Well, they have a different life... kinda almost... both our RADs are serving in honorable professions... yay.  Mission accomplished????

On this side of it... 20 years in... I seriously question the ethics of adopting children whose parents are still living.

I don't question giving kids a safe home where they can be nurtured and grow... but I think for our adoptees... Foster could do... should do.

I think it is unethical for agencies to promote the lies of "forever family" to generous kind hearted families that have good lives and want to share their family and all it's blessings with underprivileged poorly-parented children who come from horrendously dangerous environments.

Did "our" adopted kids need a safer environment than they started out with????   Absolutely!!!!!!!!

Did they each need to have their three quite different last names changed to their bio-mom's last name as "the system" yanked them from the very-different homes they had lived in, so at TPR they could be promoted and ultimately placed as a "sibling group for adoption" under the lies of "The Forever Family Social Experiment"???? 

Absolutely not.

I'm happy/proud that our adopted daughter is being honored in her profession...

I'd still be proud, it would bother me so much less had she "just" been a foster child for all the crap she throws, that follows the pattern SO MANY adopted adults who have started with numerous caregivers... in foster-systems/orphanages.

It would bother me so much less for all the crap that has happened... and for all the crap that appears to continue to flow.

Excuse me... I feel nauseous.  

Proverbs 13:12Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.