Many Have Traveled This Path Long Before Me

Hubby and I were enjoying an anniversary cruise to exotic locations.  Dinners were at a set time with the same delightful couples.  Breakfasts and lunches were "open seating."

During a delightful lunchtime "chance" seating... Dear Hubby and I joined two other couples.  One couple was chronologically about 10 years behind us... and the other couple about 30 years ahead of us.  The older couple started to say how they were celebrating an anniversary that actually occurred the month prior, but preferred to celebrate it while children were in school.  They said September is a great time to sail, because most kids are in school... except homeschoolers!

I laughed and agreed, then confessed we were one of those "homeschool families."

I started to say something along the lines of "when we found out what they were and weren't teaching in school... we pulled them out..."  But stopped myself mid sentence because while that is why many choose to homeschool, it was not why we homeschooled.

Darn!  I didn't want to talk kids... talk RAD... again.  Not here, not now... not in the middle of this gorgeous dining room, on this gorgeous day with delightful people cruising in the middle of the sparkling cerulean sea.  When will the pain of this journey of adoption be over?

I corrected myself and said, "actually..." years ago we adopted a special needs sibling group who were very troubled.  Our daughter had 17 families before us when we got her at almost 6 years old.  Homeschooling helped her... tremendously... but sadly the process of becoming an adult reawakened many of her and her half biological brother's abandonment issues.  They've been estranged from us for 4 years now...it's heartbreaking... "but what can anyone do, except pray for the best for them"

The older gentleman to my right said... I know exactly what you're talking about.  He patted my arm and assured me that me and my husband gave our kids what they needed... and that is what is important.

He shared how he and his wife had five beautiful girls when a commercial on tv encouraged viewers to become foster parents because there was such a tremendous need.   The couple made a call and became foster parents to a young baby.... had him for 2.5-3 years and were able to adopt him.  This man kept talking about his youngest daughter (in past tense form) and shaking his head... and referring to the fact that of his six kids, he and his wife only had three "remaining"... (he didn't specify... and seemed like he felt he was already talking too much about it... but it sounded like at least one of his kids had been "lost" through estrangement... like there was a grave price for the biokids to pay because the adopted child required so much of their time and energy and attention, he kept inferring that his biological children suffered... greatly.)

As this adoption veteran, who served so many years before us, was patting my arm and consoling me... he seemed to take comfort in his own words...

We've given these destitute kids what they needed when they were small.
That is what is important...
...and it hasn't gone unnoticed. 

Family Matters... Genetics Matter

There are times where I'm so happy for me, and simultaneously sad for not only our adoptees, but all adoptees... and "step" kids.  This is one of those times.  Doors are opening leading to some interesting  reconnections with my extended family members.  Such cool opportunities, but exactly the kind of thing if our adoptees were still in the picture, I might have tiptoed away from... to have spared their hurt feelings.

In various situations I've observed how the "really-related, but not quite really really" whether step or adopted relate to the non-bloodline relatives.  I've never seen, nor heard anyone but the "steps" hesitantly and awkwardly discuss the "really-related, but not quite really really" thing.  There always seems to be so much pain for the child who is "really-related, but not quite really really" no matter how much everyone around them insists they REALLY are part of the family.  Having read Nancy Verrier's Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up I was especially interested in her discussion of the importance and impact a lack of genetic mirroring causes in adopted individuals. 

It is so politically incorrect in adoption circles to talk about genetic significance... As adoptive parents we want the world to sing to our children that they BELONG in our family... and they are loved.  We want to protect our kids from the slightest whisper that they might not really be a part of our family.

I believe Genetic significance is an issue that boldly presents itself in every non-bio adoption... whether we pretend it's invisible or not... and NEEDS to be discussed for our kids optimal health.  It seems pretending genetic significance is unimportant only assists our adoptees in lingering in other unhealthy worlds of make-believe.  Genetics matter.  Family history matters.  Not discussing genetic significance early and often as a matter of fact, loving manner betrays our children as much as the mirror betrays their fit in our families every time they look at us, and look at themselves in a mirror.  Getting everyone talking about it... not pretending differences don't exist... not hush hushing and getting offended when the subject comes up helps us all keep our kids rooted in love and truth. 

I believe our kids' lack of genetic mirroring plays a big part in what pushes them on their quest to reject us and define and create a place where they feel they belong... where they "really feel" they are part of a family.  

Currently I'm thrilled to have extended family connections being made overseas... and it is a happy kind of excited time for me!  

Can anyone relate to my excitement of unearthing extended family information? 

As happy as I am for me... I do get a bit sad for our adoptees.  I hope some day they can find things that are cool and awesome and like them in their genetic line... that they can see themselves mirrored genetically if not in the generations that have preceded them, in the generations that follow them. 


Last Fall, my cousin's wife shared with me photos of my paternal grandparents.  Her mother-in-law had them in their belongings before she passed away.  These beautiful wonderful women... related to me "only" through marriage (and A LOT of love!!!!) have preserved tidbits of my genetic history I'd never seen before!!!!

I get a kick out of looking into those photos to see which of the relatives I know looks like which grand parent.  I'm curious if anyone might say they see a bit of me in their eyes, or nose or cheeks or hair or height or personality.  Genetics matter.

Certainly the best pedigree does not influence an iota of what any person accomplishes with the talents and means that life presents them with... having great talent, or wealth in no way makes a person prosperous nor grand.  We are each largely responsible for the person we use the talents and treasures bestowed upon us to become.

Genetics are not of paramount importance... but they do matter. 

The Best Husband in the World and I have future plans visit a place where I've heard my genetic family has culturally made quite an impact.  I'm definitely more excited than hubby about that part of our trip, because it's MY side of the family.  Hubby is still interested... just not as interested as I am.   Because through marriage he is "really-related, but not quite really really."

I'm not so much interested to see that side of the family's wealth, nor the dollar value of their contributions... I'm interested to see if I look carefully enough will see a bit of my grandfather in historic photos of that nation's benefactor.  I'm hoping to speak with people who knew and remember the benevolent distant relative because I hope to compare and contrast nuances I've seen along that family line... specifically both sharp wit and sparkling personalities.

On "the other side" of my family there is rumored within the family to have been a "family" castle that was "passed down" but at some point within the last 40? years abandoned because government taxes were too much of a burden for the one who had inherited it to have maintained the property.  Amongst my cousins there has been a very weak rally of "We should look into reclaiming" the abandoned inheritance.  Yeah, we're all a bit busy for that kind of treasure hunt... but it is fun to imagine what might be "ours."

My point is... When it comes to family... there are things that CAN BE INHERITED...

Family Matters... Genetics matter.

Of our children... one has the genetic disposition of not being born to alcoholic, drug addicts.  That one has a distinctly advantageous genetic make up.  It wasn't her choice... it wasn't ours, it's simply genetics.  Oh, if we could have selected genetic make up, for our kids we would have certainly selected all our children would get our adopted son's "easily athletic" genes that  our adopted daughter's the "doesn't catch colds" genes and our bio kid's "not mentally ill" genes.

There are "genetic line" things I would love to have saved our biokid from... mostly I would love to save her from the diabetic predisposition that runs on both bio sides of her family.  She's not diabetic yet, thank God... She works hard to keep it at bay.  The truth remains but she is predisposed through the genes both my parents passed to me, and my husband's parents passed to him, through the genes we passed to our bio daughter.

Oh what I would do to preserve our adoptees from the genetic predisposition to alcoholic/addictive lifestyles!!!  ...To my knowledge neither of our adoptees are acloholic/drug addicted yet, however, I do know their genetic history, and as likely our bio MAY develop diabetes, the bio-children-of-addicts whom we adopted MAY develop various addictions like their bio parents.

Sadly I see traits of a genetic syndrome that includes diabetes in our bio child...

And sadly I see traits of addictive personalities in our adoptees...

The video below was featured on aol today... because the teaser mentioned many things I'd read related to RAD and the fact the video was only about six minutes total I tuned in.  I know some who are parenting RAD diagnosed children deal with realities much harsher than we have experienced with our kids.  Mr Fallon discusses genetic predisposition, exposure to violence at certain times of development, and biology/chemistry of the human brain as all being contributing factors.

At around marker 4:03 Mr. Fallon tells how his Mom shares his "interesting" and violent family history.

For now, let's all hope for the best in all we've passed on to our children through the environments of our loving homes.

It's nice to know if an inherited old castle becomes too burdensome we can hope to abandon it... It would be nice if we could likewise  abandon the other burdensome things we inherit through family matters... genetic matters.
Around 4:03 in This TED Video, Jim Fallon talks about an interesting genetic fact regarding his family

Amazed

I am amazed how God keeps on putting people in my life who can relate to the life experiences parenting RAD diagnosed children has brought into our lives.

I'm not grateful others have lived/are living our parallel universe... I'm grateful we can talk or even share a "knowing" wordless look and communicate volumes of "you are not alone!"

4th Anniversary of Their Conjoined Meltdown

Today, I'm giving myself permission to grieve if I need to.  Today is THE official date that first comes to mind every time I think about "scheduling" grief so it won't consume my life.  Other dates "of significance" are slated, but they don't stand out as THE day.  Today is THE day.
 
Today marks the 4th anniversary of our adoptees' conjoined meltdown. (Which makes 10 years in total that we never knew our adoptive daughter, 6.5 years we never knew our adoptive son.)

Today just happens to also be the day our oldest, who flew down to celebrate our birthdays, is flying home.

I'd marked the calendar to grieve if I wanted to...

Hopping out of bed to drop our sweet daughter at the airport so very early, it was so very easy to grab the simple "mourning" outfit I'd selected so long ago for this "special" date...

Daughter commented how pretty I looked in my easy breezy black floor-length dress.  Pretty wasn't what I was going for, she didn't have to know that.  On the drive in to the airport, daughter, hubby and I talked about today's "anniversary" and hubby and I encouraged her that it's okay to grieve if she needs to... no pressure.  She thought it was weird and preferred to forget the date not remember it.  We explained it was a counselor's suggestion to acknowledge grief, and schedule it so we can readily and really enjoy other dates without grief over taking us. 

Anyway we said a quick goodbye at the airport with awesome hugs and had to hurry home for hubby to start work on time.

Today I'd planned to light my candle if I need to, so far I'm not feeling the need.  I'm probably more tired than anything.  When our daughter is in town late nights and fun running around keeps us a tad sleep deprived.

The fact that August 1 happens to be "National Girlfriends Day" it REALLY helps me feel grateful and encouraged!!!!!  I heard about "National Girlfriends Day" for the very first time yesterday on TV.  I'm so very grateful to have so very many truly beautiful life long friendships!  I'm also so very grateful there is also this on-line blogging sisterhood of parenting RAD that has allowed me to meet, talk with, email, text etc... etc... etc.... so very many awesome women I've met through sharing my experiences in parenting RAD.  These newest "girlfriends" who have also devoted their hearts to welcoming traumatized children into their families, seem to be living our parallel universe.  I'm so very grateful for the friendships that have developed seemingly out of the rubble left behind when RAD attacks.

Today, is earmarked for grief... but I'm not yet feeling it... I've given myself permission to grieve all day if need be, but honestly, right now... I'm more grateful than grief filled.  Each moment that passes it  seems I accept a little more the fact we invited them to be part of our "forever family" but their concept of "family" and forever has been marred courtesy of their birth family and the system that poisoned their minds.  Their experiences long before we ever knew them told them again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again that forever, and family never lasts.

It's not their fault.  It's not ours either.

Peace.

The Birthday Call

So, on hubby's birthday, our loving attached and healthy-through-no-fault-of-her-own was on the phone wishing The Best Daddy in the World a Happy Birthday, before she flies in to see us... and his cell phone rings.

When mentally ill-through-no-fault-of-their-own adult children are estranged... phone calls, texts, emails, mailboxes are the places you hope they'll one-day-some-day-especially-on-special-days send a little love.

Hubby excuses himself from our devoted daughter's call and hands her over to me... and I overhear... on his cellphone half a conversation full of... awkwardness.... I'm finding it hard to attend to the delightfully-attentive child... well because... it's another day of significance... and there's a call... and it's awkward.

I promise our darling that I love her, will call her back, am eager to see her when she'll fly in later the same day... "bye sweetie!"

I had to know what was going on... who was on the phone????????  What had rustled my sweet love on his birthday????

Well... sweet little officer RAD sick-and-spiraling-downward-through-no-fault-of-her-own can't pay her student loans... (that we've cosigned....away from school... and she's postponed and compounded her student debt since....)the bank wants to know how they can get a hold of her.

Nothing says "I'm thinking of you on your birthday, I'm grateful for you, I'm glad you're my Dad" like having your RADchild's delinquent student loan collections rep calling to find if we've got "better" contact with her than they do.

I really have the best husband in the world.  He is a prince! He's loving, and generous and selfless, and devoted. And sooooooo very forgiving of the pain they continue to inflict.  Despite how the crap continues to fly, he prays diligently for all our kids, and our estranged-through-no-fault-of-her-own grandchild we've never met... yet... he prays for us all... morning, noon and night.
 

The Heat

Hubby and I enjoyed a date night dinner and a movie.  I love to laugh and enjoy a good comedy.

We went to The Heat featuring Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock.  We laughed. A lot.

I hesitantly recommend it because it is a BIG time potty mouth film.  Definitely not for the kids.  If cuss words offend you, don't go.

Potty mouth doesn't offend me, I choose not to use it, but I'm not usually offended by people who feel they need to express themselves using it. (Explained in more detail here)

I don't want to spoil movie for anyone interested to see it so if you're planning to go and don't want a sneak peek at the story line now's your time to go and read a different great blog post... Info below is not a major spoiler... read on if you dare.  ha ha
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Turns out part of the theme of the movie is how Miss Perfect Officer on the outside (can't maintain a single personal relationship anywhere) is so messed up because of all the bouncing around she did as a kid in the foster system.

The very real references that being bounced around from house to house to house to house has on a kid... who grows into an adult IS very real... and not funny to anyone who experiences the veritable pain. 

I figure this is a film our very own estranged Officer RAD may eventually see.  I'm hoping if she does, the humor of this film will reinforce to her that it is NORMAL for kids who have grown up having so many "families" after birth family to grow up to have difficulty in their adult relationships.

Everywhere I go... I continue to look for, hope for, pray for opportunities for our RAD affected adoptees to be pointed towards and encouraged to walk along paths of health and healing.  

Most Days

"O Master grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul."

                                    Prayer of St. Francis 

Most days, that continues to be my prayer.

                                                     Some moments in the midst of the hardest days I regret having prayed it.

 

Walls of Protection

I got a text from one of my dearest friends.  I have known him ALL my life.  We grew up together.  Started kindergarten together, graduated high school together... he was one of my hubby's groomsmen at our wedding.  He visited us here just before ETAAM.

"OMG! I'm working now but HAD to tell you!!!!"

This friend has always had more energy than the Energizer Bunny!  He keeps going, and going and going and going.  Most days, he rushes from his day job, to his night job that pays for all the running he does when he's not working.  Oh, if I could bottle that energy!!!   He's my age... so my lack of energy ain't got nothing to do with how old I am.

At his night job, he is a super star.  Shoot, as far as I'm concerned everywhere he goes he's a super star!!!  People adore him!!!!   I feel like I'm a celebrity when I'm with him because we always get a flood of people flocking to us like paparazzi.  

He waits tables at a popular restaurant in my home town.  Simply calling him a "waiter" doesn't seem appropriate... the level of service and care he provides his customers is truly outstanding... which is why so many of the people he serves flock to him when he's out and about... they honestly consider him a friend. 

Well, it turns out he's been training a new guy at work.  This new guy is cracking up as my friend is explaining how to cope with the frustrations the job has.  The new guy says, you're so funny, I can only think of one person as funny as you, my mom... I bet if you met her, you two would be great friends!

Well... turns out new guy has his parents coming in for dinner tonight... turns out it's another of my dearest friends, another member of my hubby's and my wedding party from 30 years ago.  She's one of my dearest friends from back in the day.

She's the gal that back-in-the-day I kept trying to get my other friends to meet, befriend, hang out with, but they'd keep asking what I ever saw in her as a person.

This friend and my friend who texted me were all good friends.  The three of us used to hang out together quite a bit.  They lost touch... despite living so close their busy lives just went in different directions.

The next day my childhood neighbor called to say it was great to see her, she looked like her younger self but older, and much better than he'd expected she might, at our age.  ha ha.

He went on to say he felt dirty, because, yes, she's still very funny, and she made him laugh quite a bit but every thing she was joking about was at someone else's expense. 

I reminded him she was probably really insecure.  I reminded him "how she would get" when she was in a situation where she felt judged.  Her tactics had always been to hurt them before they hurt her.  I never enjoyed being with her in a group setting, but when it was just the three of us... or just the two of us... she was always sincere, and vulnerable and lovely.

He said yes, he had forgotten, but in hindsight the night prior she seemed to vacillate between lovely and obnoxious.  He said there were a couple of times he wanted to say "What are you doing???? Don't you remember?  You KNOW me!  You can trust me!  We're friends!  You're safe here!!!!"

We've got plans for the three of us to get together soon.  I'm looking forward to it.  I'm hoping she'll feel safe enough around us to have her walls down.

(not really adoption related... but I'm aware and saddened our adoptees have many walls, masks, masquerades that protect them... I hope they'll find people with whom they can be real.)

Cleaning Closets, Assigning Prominence to Warm Fuzzies

I'm soooo totally psychedelic-ed that my little niece and nephew (and bro and sis-in-law) will be visiting soon... and for the MANY visits with our oldest despite the miles between us.

We adore them and the feeling is mutual.  Love abounds.  (selah)
Oh, happy sigh, and big smile!!!

I'm prepping the rooms they'll be staying in for their visit... and because summer allows extra project time, I've dug into some projects I'd planned to start... one... cleaning out closets.

At the BOTTOM of one of those closets I've stumbled across all the crappy paperwork from legal proceedings courtesy of our adoptee's false allegations.

There is a BIG part of me that wants to throw all those documents away... but there is a little part of me that wants to keep them... for my sanity.

The details of all the heartache RAD brings to our family are so incredulous... so stranger-than-fiction I want to keep the documentation so I'll know I didn't imagine it all.  

I struggled (about 2 seconds) within myself that holding on to those papers might possibly be a "sign" I've not forgiven our beloved adoptees.

I struggled back with the realization that I've made the DECISION to forgive them, and am diligent to work on FEELINGS of unforgiveness when they arise, continually renewing reaffirming my decision to forgive our adopted children for the pain their illness inflicts on us... and themselves. 

Still... our daughter's a mental illness fights reality... it fights her sanity... her Reactive Attachment Disorder remains the key obstacle in our relationship.

My not-so-little-box of legal documents remind me this RAD nightmare is real... not manufactured by us as our adoptee would insist.

The question is... where can I store them?  Yes, those documents are valuable... they're important, but they don't foster "warm fuzzies."   I'm cleaning out my closet... yes, I'm moving those papers... I won't be loosing those papers.  

I'll be tucking the painful papers away... in a less prominent place and making room for the abundant art abounding with love that our extremely creative oldest daughter, and nieces and nephews continually shower us with. 

Little Couple Adoption

Adoption continues to be a "storyline" that captivates the hearts of so many.

My hubby and I are cheering for The Little Couple as they seek to share their experiences, and love adopting special needs children whom they already LOVE long before they have ever met them.

Isn't Will ADORABLE???

After raising our special-needs-adopted-half-bio-sibling-group to (what is appearing to be their RADtypical) adulthood, my hubby and I are enjoying fond memories of the early adoptive years while watching the enthusiasm, the wonder, the joy, the adventure of building their family through adoption... This couple reminds us of our younger selves... eager to share every good thing with their children, whom they are eager to meet, but have already committed to love from the bottom of their hearts, and care for with all the means they have.

It seems like this exceedingly intelligent couple is somewhat knowledgeable about Attachment Disorder.  I've heard it mentioned a few times as I watch.   I cringe a bit... as brilliant, professional Dr. Mom proclaims that with some children adopted out of similar circumstances attachment could be a problem, but it's obvious because their son has been so quickly affectionate with them he CLEARLY has no attachment issues.  Hmmm...

At the same time, I don't want to for a minute awaken them from this dreamy wonderland where their hearts are truly overflowing as their family expands with one, and soon, two already beloved children. As I watch, I'm hopeful, prayerful, that it will be different for them than it has been for us.   I want them to have the beautiful years... I just don't want RAD to come crashing into their happily ever after.

After all, how can the cuddly affection of "our new" child be a sign of an attachment issue? (Any "expert" that doubts the sincerity of this heaven-sent little angel's affection MUST be a quack!!! ...right?)

Anyone who hasn't really experienced Reactive Attachment Disorder... will NEVER fully understand.

Children ARE absolutely a delight... and what a blessing it is to have them, to love them, to raise them.  Almost any parent knows how quickly we'd sacrifice ourselves to prevent our beloved children from experiencing the slightest pains.    As real parents we find out there's almost never an option for us to bear our child's hurts instead of watching them suffer.

Adoptive children come to us with a long history of pain that we simply cannot-no-matter-how-much-we-want-to take for them.  Often our children have lived through  the horrors (whatever they may have been) that has caused them to be separated from their "first family" and we simply could not have protected them... usually we were not there. 

In reality, if the adopted child had been fully protected they never would have lost their first family... and however many caregivers filled the gap until adoptive family could raise them.

For the adopted child, adoption is always loss.

However the first family was "lost" there is always the "knowledge" to the core of their being they don't belong.  I've read in Nancy Verrier's   Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up   the concept that the mirror "betrays" the adopted child... and even though it's not politically correct to discuss the ways an adopted child genetically is very different from the family they are adopted into, the child has this sense to the core that they don't "really" belong.  That phenomenon is no reflection what-so-ever of how much parents want, love, care for the adopted child... but it can be mis-percieved by the adoptee to be "evidence" of how the adopted parent's never accepted, loved, cared for, the adopted child.

In chatting with various adult adoptees, I've found the sentiment of not "feeling" like they belong to be quite present... and I've recommended Verrier's book as a good place to explore issues quite common to adopted adults. 

I've recently had the opportunity to meet and work alongside a senior citizen adoptee... adopted out of an American orphanage... back when orphanages was where orphaned children were cared for in these United States, until adoption.

I've heard those who have benefited from this personable-service-driven-adult-adoptee's dedication and diligent labors comment how "he's always told us we are his family."

*Sigh*

I've not had the opportunity to ask what his relationship is/was like with his adoptive family after he reached adulthood.

As I continue to strive to understand all that is going on in the hearts and minds of our adoptees, I continue to meet and speak with adoptees of all ages... the one common thread I see is... regardless of age, there appears to be a lifelong effort to continually try to define and redefine who their "REAL" family is... because it appears it remains a life-long struggle for the individuals who I've had the privilege of speaking with.

I also am privileged to share strength and hope with other adoptive parents.

One delightful dedicated adoptive momma who was instructing me how critical it is for ALL adopted individuals to maintain ties to birth family... yeah, I'm not a fan of cookie cutter answers... I'm thrilled that appears to be working in her circumstances, but in reality she's still in the thick of it all... her kids are young.  She got a bit quiet when I told her our placed for adoption-daughter, disrupted to be with her-not their bio-father,  was murdered at 18 years old during a visit to our kid's birth mom.

There's no cookie cutter solution, no One-Size-Fits-All answers.  I can't pretend for a minute to know what's best.  If anyone had asked me during the "Beautiful Years" I'd have sworn I was indeed an expert. 

Meanwhile... I watch the adoption storylines on tv, Reality-television, and scripted shows... The Little Couple, Giuliana and Bill, Gene Simmons' Family, Patty Stanger, Parenthood, etc etc etc... with great interest, amazed how optimistic I remain, as so many adoption storied unfold on TV through reality and scripted television shows. 

I can't say for a minute I'd want my family's story on TV, but I've found great strength and encouragement through the blogs of awesome adoptive parents...

While I'd never wish the suffering related to RAD on any family, I'm so-very-grateful to know we're not alone in the adventures of loving our adoptees, despite how the pain of their Attachment Disorder continues to hurt them and us. 

RAD on TV

Ha ha ha,

I saw this commercial for Daisy Sour Cream, and in it parents are visiting another family, and the mom asks, "What's our son doing in the Bennet family portrait?"

"What's our Son Doing in the Bennet Family portrait?"

Without missing a beat I said "He's got RAD!"

Hubby and I laughed hard.

Gee if only we had known it was the sour cream!

Hope you are all well!!!

Hubby Continues to Find Support in Awesome Places

Hubby signed up for a study of Pastor Tony Evan's book, Kingdom Man.

 First week was introduction where the men each shared a little bit about who they are.  Uncharacteristically, during introductions, hubby mentioned he currently struggles with troubles brought into our lives courtesy our adult adoptees, their behaviors as young adults exactly matching the symptoms list of the mental illness diagnosed years earlier when they were first placed with us.  That same night, after that first meeting, an "elderly gentleman" in his 70's quietly said he needed to talk... it turns out he is also an adoptive father, 20 years ahead of our experience, and now grandfather to many of his adopted daughter's multiple children, by many different men.

Hubby came home encouraged.   He is not alone in this journey.

Week after week Hubby was eager to "do his homework" for the class... loving the contents of the book, and the fellowship among men who were studying this book with him.

Several, quiet conversations afterwards with the more experienced adoptive father were definitely a bonus.

Fast forward to the last class... where this group of men who had been coming together to share their experiences, their hopes and struggles in walking out Kingdom values as men in our culture, time to say goodbye.

Hubby has a "ministry" not for profit, not for tax deduction, it's something he's good at,  enjoys doing that benefits others... and he offers his services to whomever could be blessed by computer repair.  His "day job" pays way more than his repair work ever could... but he loves to have his hands in electronics troubleshooting and repairing.  We decided long ago "charging" for services to earn a profit robbed the family of time, because his "overtime" computer repair work earned far less than minimum wage... and he was doing it more as a hobby.  It became obvious that the average person who needs computer repairs finds the repairs to be quite expensive... and would be blessed if hubby "donated" his services tinkering to repair their computers.  The joys associated with working to serve the Lord is worth so much more than any money hubby might earn from dedicating the bulk of his time off towards tinkering on his financially unprofitable passion. 

At the last class, when the men were saying goodbye to the other men they had bared their hearts to regarding life... my hubby described his "ministry" and passed out a business card with his full name and contact info on it.

One man came up to him... and apologized. 

Outside of this class, my husband didn't know this man... at all.

Outside this class, this man knew OF my husband, but didn't know until he saw the name... my husband was a man he'd heard MUCH about. 

You see... this man was a neighbor to our adult-daughter's "rescue mommy" ... this man worked at a "christian" business with our adult RAD. 

This man couldn't figure out why our daughter, an adult, lived with a senior citizen couple that was not her own parents.

When he asked what was up with the very strange living arrangements... our daughter gave him ears full... of RAD garbage.

He spent endless hours trying to "counsel" our daughter how to handle her "plight"... to the point his wife was wondering if our daughter was "the other woman."

Before this class... this man had no idea who my husband was... but through this class... as the men shared the burdens of their heart to serve God honorably in all they do... this man got to really know my husband.

This man saw the card, saw my husbands full name, and immediately identified "the stories" as stories about my husband.  This man apologized, profusely for his involvement in our family.  He apologized for being so easily duped.

He apologized.  From out of nowhere.  We weren't even aware he'd "meddled" at all... we didn't even know he existed.  We're grateful truth was revealed to his heart.  We're grateful he stepped forward to make things right.

We continue to pray for all who have been duped into believing the lies, manipulations, and triangulations of Reactive Attachment Disorder.  We pray they'd be convicted of their wrongs, and heartfully sorry, not condemned forever for their unwitting evils... see... he... like most involved... really believed he was helping... until truth was revealed.

Lord have mercy!

Don't Let Grief Steal Your Days

Today is a day of significance for our family... courtesy of adoption... and so today, for a little while... I'm allowing myself to grieve what Reactive Attachment Disorder continues to steal, from our adopted kids, and our family.

It is fast approaching 4 years after our adoptees' RADtypical meltdown and attack against us.  This year our "Adoption Day" anniversary had passed more than a month before I realized it had come, and gone.   I kind of consider that progress.  I kind of am surprised.  I had always treasured that date... the date of the beginning of our dreams come true.  That date, after RAD attacked, became a source of pain... and this year, it passed without anticipation, or remembrance.  It just passed...  We were busy, and having fun... and honestly didn't notice.  It wasn't an active effort to try and forget the date... I actually intended to honor that date.  It simply passed, unnoticed.

Quite a while ago, Hubby and I had a counselor suggest we schedule dates and times to grieve, so our adoption grief could be honored and expressed without robbing us of the pleasures available to us in every day life.

I was very surprised when my first "appointed day" for grieving arrived and I didn't "feel like" mourning... I was having too much fun.  Our counselor explained that was the point... "If the day arrives, and you don't feel like grieving, you don't have to..."  It seemed like her point was to not let grief steal our days.


Back when "scheduled grief" was prescribed... I giggled (a lot) as I envisioned how I might grieve who our living children had become.  I imagined myself dressed in black with a shawl and a hankie... mourning.

The days where overwhelming sadness would flatten me, I'd tell myself, this isn't the day nor time to mourn, but I will, at the appropriate time... then I'd begin imagining what that would look like... and start giggling again.

During my planning grief gigglefests decided I'd someday "light a candle" when the time to grieve arose.  I was raised in a denomination where one could put coins in a box and pay to "light a candle" for prayer intentions.  I remember my mom tearfully lighting candles for her prayer intentions, as we'd visit older churches that still had the red-glass votives.  As I got older, the candles became electric push button and the price to ignite was listed in dollars... I'd always found the concept that a paid candle would pray for me to be a bit weird, but when I envisioned what grief should look like... those candles were part of  the picture... even though they make me giggle.  

That same year for Christmas I got an OLD brass and red glass votive from a friend who had a knack for finding treasures and glitzing them up to make holiday gifts for friends who are dear to her.  Perfect!!!  Not perfect for my decorating style... not even my holiday decorating... but perfect as my grief candle.  I removed the holiday embellishments and set it up for our kids. 

I've placed the candle on my front entry table as a reminder when grief comes, there is a time to grieve, and when the time comes I'll do so... if I feel like it.  And I smile.

Today is the anniversary of a day of significance regarding our adoption... a formerly celebratory day, but a day I'd set to grieve if need be.  Today grief fits, not for the full day... It's a day my hubby and I have decided to celebrate with or without our beloved adoptees.

... And we WILL celebrate today...

                       but for this morning... 

for this mourning... 

I've lit a candle.

Love Blocked, Healing the Adopted Heart

Patty Stanger's show the "Millionaire Matchmaker" is one of my not-so-secret-anymore television indulgences. 

I don't tune in regularly... but occasionally, when Bravo is running a string of her episodes back to back on a day I've chosen to spend too much time hugging the couch, I really enjoy tuning in. 

I'm a huge fan of love.  I love to pray for people to find "the one" and I love weddings! 

I fell in love with my high school sweetheart... married my prom date... this year my sweetie and I celebrate 30 years of wedded bliss that had it's first sparks oh-so many years ago in a 1980's roller disco.  Spandex, big hair, and the love of my life.   

It turns out Patty is adopted.  I've been impressed with how seemingly well adjusted she is, how successful she is in business.  I'm impressed, but not surprised.  As I've been trying to understand our adult-adoptees' choices, I've read LOTS about adopted adults.  I've read that many adoptees go on to do very well in their business lives, and tend to be kind of loners with a long string of short or shallow relationships in their personal lives.   

On Patty's show, as she's searched for information about her birth parents, she talks about feeling "blocked" from love, and she believes it has something to do with being adopted.  She's taken bold and public steps to heal that blockage.  So very good for you Patty!!!!!!

I'm guessing Patty probably doesn't have Reactive Attachment Disorder, however, I'm not surprised to hear that "adoption issues" still plague her as an adult. 

The same things I pray for our own adoptees, I'm praying for Patty.  I pray her wounded heart heals... I pray she can find Love, I believe Love has presented Itself to her many times throughout her life... I pray she will heal to the point where she can believe there really is Love out there for herself... I pray she will work to heal the wounds that lie and tell her she is unworthy of Love. 

I'm grateful for Patty, and other brave adoptees who share what their perception of life is like for them on the adult side of their life's journey as an adopted child... 

So Tired I Hurt... With Waves of Awesomeness

I have the most amazing husband in the whole wide world!!!!

His only ambition for me today is to rest up... while he continues nose to the grindstone of his employment.

I went into this weekend overtired... but the good kind of overtired where you're exhausted from doing things you love.

My home-house-where-I-live-89%-of-the-year has had a revolving door filled with visitors whom I love arriving and departing... and I LOVE seeing them all!!!!!

The MOST AMAZING WEEKEND of the year happened smack dab in the middle of it all, and as all my beloved visitors have been making their reservations, I've informed them ANY dates are fine BUT nothing messes with MY weekend.

 I thanked my ETAAM housemate for smoking yesterday morning... because if she hadn't been out there we would have missed the magic of hot air balloon awesomeness wafting effortlessly above our Hollywooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Snowstorms and cancelled flights threatened to impose on MY weekend... but hubby who is THE original Superman assured everyone my disabled sister would be well cared for and arrive safely at her destination three days into the time we had allotted for MY weekend.

The delivery of items that were supposed to allow me one day earlier admittance into MY weekend ended up not being scheduled for delivery until 7pm the first official full-day of the weekend had me chasing brown down bright and early.

 I got a sneak peek at the early morning workings of how brown does what it does... it's a well oiled machine.  Superhubby assured me that IF I had been unsuccessful in chasing brown down, he'd gladly drop the booklets off whenever we needed them.

As I sit and ponder all this weekend has held... I'm tearfully (the joyfilled kind) overwhelmed with the fact I have such an amazing hubby...

I'm overwhelmed and verklempt from the memory vignettes of MY "moments" spent with THE MOST AMAZING MOMMAS IN THE WORLD!!!

HOLLYWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD 

Contact info

Anyone who would like to contact me for any reason can honestly reach me by this blog... simply comment on any post. The site is set up to email me with each comment.  I'll contact you by the method you prefer as soon as I'm able.  Comments are previewed by me before they are published...  just let me know if your message is for my eyes only and I'll keep it to myself.

I just returned from ETAAM Orlando 2013... beautiful women, beautiful hearts, beautiful place to enjoy it.

It has been my goal at ETAAM to "meet every woman there" because while I was raising my adoptees to adulthood, I really believed I was alone in my experiences... that no one would "get it." 

This year I did not get to meet everyone there... and my path didn't cross some I've met in years prior. I still had an awesome weekend... and send much love to all!!!!!!

In Orlando... for a limited time only... "everyone" gets it.

I've listed my "contact info" as this blog in the 2013 ETAAM Who's Who.

... then I realized I don't have email listed here.

I don't mind at all Mom's who GET IT having my direct contact info... or even sharing my info with others who really understand our adoption experience.  But for the world at large... I need my adoption story to be anonymous.

Again... Anyone who would like to contact me for any reason can honestly reach me by this blog... simply comment on any post. The site is set up to email me with each comment.  I'll contact you by the method you prefer as soon as I'm able.  Comments are previewed by me before they are published...  just let me know if your message is for my eyes only and I'll keep it to myself.

Adoption... Life Goes On

For what feels like several months, I believe I've finally reached the stage (post-conjoined meltdown RAD attack against us) where life is going on... pleasantly... and I don't feel the need to blurt adoption stuff to everyone who will listen.

HALLELUIAH!!!!

The nature of my line of work is I can work for months and months without running into a familiar face.

Recently I was working with a new-to-me person... and work was slow.... so before our first official break, we had LOTS of very pleasant "chit chat" opportunities discussing a myriad of various topics... none of them anywhere near adoption.

On our first "official" break... a familiar face approached (an adoptive mom who seemed in the past to blow off our parenting RAD adoptees experiences as irrelevant, uncommon, certainly nowhere near HER perfectly wonderful adoption x3 experiences.)  She had-in-hand an article that addressed the only difficulty she had ever before acknowledged  that she had encountered in adoption... expense.

With fresh beverages, the three of us sat in our break area... chatting.  This adoptive mom was very excited to have this published article explaining the financial difficulties that adoptive families overcome.  She was eager for me to read it right then, right there, on my break.  I didn't want to read it during my break but I promised I'd look it up online.  I told her she might be interested to know our estranged daughter has made contact... wants us to be involved our grandchild's life.

I was surprised when this formerly unsupportive woman replied "Be careful, it's a good start, but it will be a long journey before it's all better."  (Wow... I wondered what has transpired in her life to have inspired a more empathetic response to our adoption experience!)

This other Adoptive mom asked if our estranged pregnant daughter had gotten married?

I explained no, this was her first child, his fourth child.... then followed with "...it appears her inability to be in a reciprocally loving relationship has led her to a man with a history of not staying committed."

Insert several repeated "fake coughs" from our silent-in-this-conversation-until-now new-co-worker... followed by an awkwardly proclaimed "I'm adopted."

She went on to explain how she never-ever felt like she belonged to, nor was loved by her adoptive family.

I looked her in the eyes, and let her know she is not alone in her experience... and I could not speak to her family situation, because I knew nothing of it, but I wanted to let her know my husband's and my thoughts and prayers for ALL our children... and the SINCERE AND DEEPLY FELT LOVE we have for ALL our children... and how it breaks our hearts that our adopted kids have so much pain  ...that their pain is not their fault... but it's not ours either...

I also talked about books that I've read that address how significant genetic mirroring is... and that adoptees' "not belonging" feeling could be largely based on the "taboo-in-our-society" reality that genetically an adoptee doesn't typically "mirror" anyone in their adoptive family.

In adoptive circles it seems so "taboo" to discuss openly OBVIOUS differences.  It seems to be far more Politically Correct to pretend that there are no differences whatsoever between adoptee and adoptive parents. 

As my new friend discussed how she always had this feeling she didn't belong... I discussed our culture... and how timid we are to discuss openly the obvious under Political Correctness and "Manners."  

I suggested that perhaps the "I don't belong" feeling was not a failure of her adoptive parents to love her... but maybe instead a realization to the core that none of her genetic features that reflected herself back in the mirror were reflected in any of her adoptive family members.  The fact that it's seldom, if ever discussed... made to be "no big deal... we have love" might have been exactly what has been screaming at her that she "doesn't belong... never belonged."

My new friend and I talked quite a bit about the adoption thing... She shared with me what it was like with her first bio child... how that re-awakened the abandonment issues... and the "how could they leave me?" question.

On the flip side of our adoptees "conjoined meltdown" with all the knowledge I've acquired while trying to understand what has been driving their hate toward us... I keep wishing to go back in time and prepare my kids for that which "is common to those adopted out of foster care, or orphanages."

Knowing I can't go back... it is my hope to reach forward... to impact positively families traveling parallel paths of adoption out of Early Trauma. 

Meanwhile... in my "seldom see the same face twice" line of work... it appears 80%-90% of the people I'm encountering long enough to have conversations with lately are part of adoptive families...

...and for the last several months... I've not been the one bringing up adoption.

It appears my footsteps are ordained.  

ETAAM the Transformation of Orlando

I am so very eager for this year's transformation of Orlando!!!

I cannot wait to see the amazing mommas who will return to Orlando (or attend for the first time) to receive support from moms who "get" what parenting Attachment Disordered children can be like.

Regular life is so busy... and my "regular life" brings me to Orlando quite frequently. 

Yes... Orlando IS beautiful... BUT...

Orlando is never as beautiful as it is when it is hosting women (mostly adoptive moms) from all over the United States and Canada who KNOW what it is to give all you have and then some to children who experienced traumas no one should endure... what comfort in knowing we are not alone in our experiences!!!!

TV Adoption Storylines

Last night NBC's "Parenthood" storyline had the troubled (not his fault) adopted child call 911 to make false allegations of abuse against his adoptive parents.

Knowing how this plays out in real life for our family... and other adoptive families... TV made it neat and clean and wrapped it up nicely before the hour was up...

Regardless... I'm grateful the topic is covered.

As I've been pondering today how to address last night's show on my blog... what to write, how to say it, a few things popped into my mind about TV adoption storylines...

They don't really address the "honeymoon period" of a newly placed child...

but I get it... tv is not real life... it can't possibly capture and accurately portray in an hour what takes a lifetime to live.  I'm still so grateful the topic is covered.

I also pondered that you don't often see "ongoing" adoption "issues"  in media portrayals of adoption.  I wonder if that is partially our fault as adoptive parents...  yes, adoption REALLY makes kids REALLY a part of our families.  YES, adoption makes our family REALLY OUR FAMILY.

But I'm finding... there ARE "adoption issues" ... lifelong it seems... adoption issues.  It makes sense to talk about it, write about it, inform people about it.  The subject seems to be quite taboo. 

Today I wonder if we, adoptive parents, who keep on insisting that adoption is natural, and good, and a REAL way to build a family stifles the "political correctness" of addressing the reality of REAL LIFE-LONG "adoption issues."  

I do believe that adoption is natural, and good, and a real way to build a family... but there ARE adoption issues... life long adoption issues... and perhaps once upon a time I was offended that anyone might infer there are differences in the experience of families that have children born into it and families that have children adopted into it. 

I can't help but wonder if our "taboo" mentality figures "Maybe if we keep on insisting that pointing out, noticing, discussing common life-long issues regarding adoption is offensive 'the issues' will go away ?"

Meanwhile... today... however inaccurate, or slightly skewed from our reality... I'm so very grateful that adoption issues are better addressed in entertainment media today than the adoption stories of yester-year where after the child finds the family they need to love them they all live "happily ever after". 

I'm grateful the ability to talk about "adoption issues" is taking bolder and bolder steps out of the shame-filled shadows of not being politically correct.

I feel the need to mention, I am still hoping for our family's adoption "happily ever after."