RAD the gift that keeps giving

This is our 3rd Christmas since RAD attacked.  3rd Christmas since RADs have chosen to be estranged. 

RAD daughter is a local officer, employed by an ex-boyfriend's dad (currently embroiled in a police-above-the-law scandal.) 

Somehow RADdaughter's "pre-screening" employment requirement of interviewing the parents who raised her got waived, so they didn't get to hear about how she tried to jump out of our moving car because she heard voices telling her to... nor that she has a medical history of mental illness. 

Anyway.  Hubby saw Officer RAD in the line of duty directing holiday traffic yesterday.  First face-to-face viewing since she had him arrested.  (She enrolled in the local community college to become an officer AFTER she made her false allegations.)

Does anyone out there notice how RAD digs in their heels to defend their misbehaviors and mistakes, yet apologizes profusely for things that don't ever need to be apologized for?

To-this-day I'm certain our daughter will go on a long rant about how much she detests ketchup because one night at dinner when she was young she obviously accidentally said "please pass the mustard for my fries."  She never detested ketchup, nor even liked mustard until she made that honest mistake.  Ugh... rabbit trail... reeling the point of the post back in...

This is our FIRST Christmas since RAD attacked that we will be in OUR house for Christmas... home to decorate and celebrate.  I have been JOYOUS about pulling out the decorations.  It has not been as painful for me as it has been for my dear husband. 

He sobbed when we put up the snowman soft sculpture that I gave as a gift one year to represent him and our three kids playing in the snow.  "Do they ever miss me?  Do they ever think about the GOOD times we had?  Are they sorry?  Are they hurting as deeply as I'm hurting?" 

*heartache*  I cry not because I miss them... I cry because of the deep pain they KEEP CAUSING the people I love so very much... and I include the RADs on that list as well... their illness in full bloom is destroying the sweet loveable, capable-of-loving  kids I knew once upon a time. 

I don't recognize who they've become.  I'm grateful they're keeping their distance while filled with so much hate and spite.  I miss the kids we raised... I don't recognize who they've become.  I have never seen the RADs soooo deep in their illness... ever! 

Well, yesterday after hubby waved to RAD officer, she first texted our non-rad to "get dad's number" and was able to miraculously call him before she responded.  The significance of this is lost on people who don't know RAD.  It's her sick manipulations... slick, sly, deceptively charming, manipulative, able to appear innocent, and look the victim... why do I respond  with so much apprehension... because I know RAD... adoptive moms are the ultimate target of most RAD attacks. 

Officer RAD called my hubby while he was in the store and asked him to stop by on the way out.  He did.  He has been so very eager to see our kids... to hug them... to let them know they are loved. 

He's such a tender awesome loving man.  So very generous.  Where love is concerned is is willing to be so very vulnerable. 

He came home reporting that our RAD daughter is "so very sick!"  He was talking about her multiple delusions... and how twisted her brain is... and how he didn't want to upset her... she was working... so he just let her talk and didn't counter her delusions.  He said she was trying to triangulate him against me, but he saw her efforts and wasn't buying into it.  He said he suggested that she consider attending family counseling with us, when she is ready. 

He said she didn't apologize... for anything... instead she was defending with absurdities, accusing, and defending...

I can't help but wonder if she had the squad car filming her accusations and hubby's non-defense (to imply agreement with her insanities)

I'm NOT paranoid... I've raised RAD to adulthood.

Adult RAD?

I recently saw someone I've not seen ... since we were anticipating the arrival of our "sibling group" adoptees.  I gave her the shortest synopsis of time transpired...



She encouraged me... "Don't worry it can happen when kids are your bio-kids too." 

And she went on to tell me her kids haven't spoken to her in years.

I replied, yes, I realize people can have broken relationships for a variety of reasons... but, I explained... our daughter was diagnosed at age 6 with a disorder that outlines ALL of her behavior against us... I've been amazed to find out how common this condition can be in adopted individuals. 

She asked me if I was aware she was adopted... 

No, I wasn't.
Deep breath...
Lord, I REALLY don't want to offend this woman!!!!

I back pedaled on all adoption issue conversations.

She filled me in on what's new in her life.

Estranged from adult children.

Estranged from adoptive parents since before her kids were born.

Divorced.

Estranged from siblings, (one adopted, one adoptive parents bio.)

Pretty much alone.

SHE'S SUCH A NICE WOMAN!!!!

I don't know if she's got RAD or not...
... I do know my prayers for her are the same as they are for my adopted children.

Peace, healing, and restoration.

Books on BPD... So Much Applies to RAD!

I first saw "I Hate You Don't Leave Me!" in a counselor's waiting room.  I opened it mid-way and the first thing I read was a part about how BPD individuals keep creating "lose lose" scenarios... where NOTHING the people who love them do will be right. 

I just about jumped out of my chair and said "YES!!!!! EXACTLY!!!!!!"

The Stop Walking on Eggshells book has a list of "common non-BP thinking"  and contrasting "facts" about our situation.

I'm paraphrasing....
"We (who love bpd people) often believe IF we can convince the person with BPD that we are telling the TRUTH... that we are right, these problems will disappear.  
...
The TRUTH is BPD is a serious mental illness... we can't talk our loved ones out of mental illness no matter how convincing we are."  

I have since remembered many things that remind me that my adopted children... the "officially diagnosed RAD" especially... HAVE been traumatized long before we ever knew them... they DO have brain damage... it is not their fault. 

Our "officially diagnosed" daughter once tried to jump out of our moving minivan because she "heard" Daddy yell at her to "get out NOW!" 

The whole family was in the van and our daughter was the only one who "heard" that.  

I realize that "hearing voices" is a MAJOR issue.  It is part of what led up to her getting the referral from the state-provided counselor for a psychiatric evaluation.

It helps me to realize what is "real" in our RAD's mind may IS NOT the reality most people live in. 

Whatever the issue is called... RAD or BPD...

It really sucks for us... but it sucks for them worse... The Eggshells book points out we who love people with BPD can take a break from their mental illness...

They cannot. 

1)Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder Randi Kreger, Paul Mason MS

2)The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living with Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger

3) I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus

Flashback to the beginning

I  was reading how many parents to RAD find their RAD afflicted children don't handle "owning" many things well.  Many adoptive parents of RADkids find their new child is most at peace with little-to-no belongings, at least until they settle in. 

I flashed back to the very beginning of our adoption experience.  We WANTED to give these kids the world.  We tried to give our new kids everything they had lacked... They just couldn't handle it!   Frequent tantruming and destruction is what ensued when owning items (fun items that normally delight young children) would overwhelm our RAD diagnosed daughter. 

Each of our three "new" kids came to us with one brown paper grocery bag partially filled with all their worldly possessions.  (Including all their clothes!)

It turns out the foster family "our new kids" also sent along several bags of "kid-stuff" that our "new kids" said wasn't theirs.  Our new kids' social worker explained the prior foster family wouldn't need the items any more.  Three months with our kids caused that foster family to retire. 

We were told after having "our kids" for three months... the elderly couple decided they'd give up foster care for good... they had only been doing it for a couple of decades. 

Our new "special needs sibling group" of three children, 13, 6, and 2 1/2 had just disrupted from an adoption placement three months prior to joining that foster family... and after three months of our "new kids" in that veteran foster family's home was enough to shut them down... for good.  They were no longer interested in fostering.  They were done. 

Does every adopted child have Reactive Attachment Disorder... I really don't believe so. 

I do think it is highly likely for individuals separated from one or both bio-parents to have "attachment issues" but I believe attachment issues are not full-blown RAD.

Attachment issues are quite different from Reactive Attachment Disorder. 

Adoption Awareness Month

It's Adoption Awareness month... And Focus on the Family can be an excellent source of information about Reactive Attachment Disorder, Adoption, and how to best be supportive adoptive families. 

They have a half-hour radio program they broadcast M-F and November 1 they had a program that continued into November 2nd's broadcast. 

Focus on the Family Adoption Broadcast November 1, 2011
Part II November 2, 2011


I listened to it... I was wondering if the Broadcast would mention Reactive Attachment Disorder... I was eager to hear what they might say because I have been so very impressed in how they've covered the matter on their website   Focus on the Family Adoption Resource links

And I've been especially impressed with the WRAP Around Adoptive Families information they promote encouraging Christian Church attendees to provide the kinds of practical help that would BEST serve families who have given their hearts and homes to adoption.  Free WRAP information

Well I couldn't listen to the full broadcast... Not that there was anything specifically wrong with it...

The adoptive family featured did have experience with a RAD child... it turns out the RAD child was only with their family a very short time... and Mom kind of giggled nervously as she explained that if you've never encountered a Reactive Attachment Disordered Child... they can be perceived as very-very-naughty, yet they are no-less deserving of having a family. 

We only listened a few minuets more into the first broadcast. What we heard was flowery wonderfulness of how beautiful the adoptive family was. 

My big strong hubby broke down and cried... he more than cried... he SOBBED...

We gave them the most precious of all our possessions... our hearts.

Adoption in the news

This is a lengthy reply I posted on Serious Moms most recent blog. 
http://www.seriousmoms.com/2011/11/01/looking-at-the-adopted-twins-case-from-a-rad-moms-point-of-view/

Like you Serious Moms, I don’t know one single specific about the twins nor the parents in question, nor that family’s situation… (except what the media broadcasts)

BUT…

I do know RAD.

Our adopted children have SERIOUS issues that were caused long before we ever knew them.

Anyone who has ever raised a baby of their own would NEVER want that child to go through what ours did before we knew them… even IF they could be GUARANTEED their own child would experience zero instances of abuse, neglect and trauma.

No parent would want their sweet baby to experience the multiple broken attachments alone.

I’m just talking about the oh-so-many “new family” or “new caretaker” transitions!

Hey, judgmental media-world… if we were talking about YOUR baby that you grew inside of you…
You know the baby that you were careful about how you ate, how you exercised, how you slept…
The baby that you toughed-out colds un-medicated for because you were concerned what over-the-counter cough syrup might do to your precious beloved growing child…

The baby you and your partner did all the things good parents do when they are joyfully expecting their very-much-wanted bundle of joy…

SUPPOSE then your sweet baby (for no reason at all) simply needed to move to another AWESOME-in-every-way “new family” at 21 months… then another AWESOME new family 3 months later, and was moved again, and again and again… to ONLY completely AWESOME-tender-loving-attentive-devoted families… and was moved AGAIN, and again and again every three months… until at age six… at which time your sweet beautiful child was “freed” for adoption, and adopted by yet another AWESOME-in-every-way “new family” who met your beautiful-now-six-year-old for the very first time.

Do you think it REMOTELY possible that YOUR sweet angel-faced-baby-doll that carries your DNA that you yourself incubated with only the best of everything within your own body MIGHT develop a serious issue or two in the process of not having even one consistent caregiver?

IF the ONLY maltreatment your-sweet-child ever had experienced were the frequent moves to only AWESOME-tender-loving-attentive-devoted families, WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE that the way your child thinks, acts and interacts with others MIGHT be affected?

Now for the sake of imagination… let’s throw into the mix absentee, or multiple “sperm donors” that only wanted a thrill of a moment and NEVER wanted the child created by his “passions.”

Do you think being “abandoned”, or “unwanted” by JUST ONE biological parent MIGHT possibly cause any child “angst” and hatred toward an only-loving and ever-present bio-parent at any level?

What about a child whose loving doting bio-parent desires to parent the child to adulthood, but for whatever reason their life is snuffed short causing that parent to be absent for much of the child’s childhood… Might a child in that circumstance EVER act out in anger against the loving-devoted parent who remains?

(It seems people in our culture can easily understand a child’s stance against “the step” parent. Why does it seem so difficult for the public-at-large to consider it might be possible for a child’s “anti-parent” campaign efforts to be doubled in a situation where neither parent is the “biological” one? )

Now, lets throw into the mix the hard-core realities that get kids removed from their parent’s care… hunger, stresses of an unwanted pregnancy, prenatal exposure to vast amounts of illegal drugs and alcohol, abuse, neglect, violence, a genetic predisposition to mental illness… etc etc etc…

How about now? MIGHT those experiences POSSIBLY affect even the sweetest child’s disposition?
Forget disposition… how would any the above circumstances affect a child’s brain development and mental health?

Reactive Attachment Disorder IS real… It IS NOT the child’s fault they are behaving the way they do… They only attack the ones they feel closest too! They behave with perfect charm and deception with those they cannot trust because they perceive them as too gullible, too easily manipulated, they may feign deep love and instant attachment to complete strangers, and easily manipulated adults… think about the above examples… “instant attachment” and manipulation is how they felt safe and learned to survive through the multiple traumas of early childhood!


We never needed to lock food, our kids didn’t binge and hoard… but they did frequently complain to anyone who would look at them that they hadn’t eaten ANYTHING… ALL DAY!

Their eyes their words their demeanor would scream “save me” because according to their clock of early life it was “time” for a new family! What is this “forever family” thing? Three months is the longest they’d ever had…

To echo Serious Moms’ questions…
How would YOU handle an insatiable child who binged eating EVERYTHING to the point of vomiting any time they came near food?

(The twins in question are reportedly skinny. One source reports them as “underweight” I know many people with an awesome metabolism. My own brother could eat and eat and eat and eat and remained stick skinny. I would eat half the amount he consumed and and have always remained chunky. There can also be a number of eating disorders that the children may or may not have… like Serious Moms… I do not know the specific details of this case. )


We didn’t need to remove electricity from the room to keep our children safe.

What would you do if your angel-faced-teen was endangering only himself by “playing with” electrical outlets every time he was unsupervised?

What would you do if your angel faced 8 year-old was endangering herself AND the whole family by sticking things in the sockets?

To those who are so very judgmental… I’ll tell you what…
Approach ANY adoption agency and ask to adopt a sibling group of children that were severely traumatized between conception and three years old… Try and request siblings who have a severe case of Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Open your hearts and your home to them…

Give them the absolute best you can…

We’ll talk after the “honeymoon” period ends.

See, even though our family has been horribly abused by our RAD adoptees… I’m still pro-adoption.

I want to see these kids succeed.

I want to see the families who have literally sacrificed everything for these precious children succeed.

As long as the judgmental folks are wagging their finger and flapping their gums about something they have absolutely no first-hand experience about… I’d say they have too much time on their hands.

Open your hearts and your homes to adoption… after all November is Adoption Awareness Month!

You Are Not Alone

The last three months there has been a LOT of potentially emotional stuff (Loss-related anniversaries, birthdays etc etc etc) I had one especially sad day smack-dab between our estranged son's birthday and my what would have been my parents' 50th wedding anniversary ... and aside from that I'd say I'm doing VERY well.  (Thank God!!!!)

I've noticed as my anxiety has decreased markedly... more memories have been surfacing... more evidences of exactly how unwell our children were just before their conjoined meltdown.  

I'm not overwhelmed by it... It is with a calm knowing they are... and have been very ill.  Our adopted children are behaving EXACTLY as the symptoms list of their mental illness describes they might.

I realize with a little help from my RADparenting friends it is not personal.

I'm so very grateful for the various communities of Parenting RAD that let me know on so very many different levels I am not alone in my experiences. 

I've been singing this song...
There has been a LOT of potentially emotional stuff (Loss-related anniversaries, birthdays etc etc etc)I had one really sad day... and aside from that I'd say I'm doing VERY well. (Thank God!!!!)

I've notices as my anxiety has decreased markedly... memories have been surfacing... I've been remembering more very specific evidences (seen and understood more clearly via the miracle of hindsight) that keep exactly how unwell our children were just before their conjoined meltdown.

I'm not overwhelmed by it... It is with a calm knowing they are... and have been very ill. It is not personal.

I'm so very grateful for the various communities of Parenting RAD that let me know on so very many different levels I am not alone in my experiences.

I've been singing this song...



www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwONvf6k_-Y


I'm grateful to know I'm not alone... I'm grateful the Lord is with me... and I'm especially grateful God has connected me with other parents who love their RAD kids, despite having been beaten and battered by their beloved children's illness. 

Together we're trying to figure out what's best for our RADkids, our nonRADs and ourselves. 

Adoption... Always Best?

I am VERY pro-adoption... but I can't help but doubt that adoption is always the BEST choice. 

For our kids...
I believe for their time,
and season,
and circumstances...
adoption WAS best.

I believe "our" kids

were "meant to be"

part of our family...

BUT I don't believe

adoption

was the

best-case-scenario 

for them. 

I realize I'm tip-toeing-barefoot into the fairy filled hills of make-believe... but I believe THE ABSOLUTE best-case-scenario for every child is to be raised by BOTH their biological parents in the setting where the child's biological parents are healthy and happy and head-over-heels in love with each other... and each of their children. 

I know "stuff happens" 

and life ain't make-believe 

                                      and far-too-many-times      

kids are stuck 

in situations

paying the dearly 

the consequences 

for situations 

they did not have

a single choice 

about. 

When we were FINALLY settling into the "beautiful years" I had an obnoxious churchified crankster tell me all about this book she was reading about allowing God to plan your family and how adoption IS a Biblical concept... BUT... adoption SHOULD NEVER take place when the biological parents are still living.

I wanted to punch her. 

Years later...

Our "officially diagnosed RAD" that appeared "healed halleluiah!!!" for oh so many years went on a mission trip to a "third world" country.  She seemed healthy when she went... She seemed healthy when she returned.  RAD appeared to remain dormant before-during-and-after her out-of-the-country missions trip.

The "missions team" came back with tales of this "backward" nation and all it's woes... mostly "they eat beans for breakfast!!!"  "they can't flush toilet paper" added to all the lack-of-technology woes... (But apparently the "team" realized the third-world-nation manufactures their coca-cola with cane sugar... so that third-world-nation had ONE positive thing going for it!)

One of the sad facts on the missions team "tsk tsk tsk" list was that mothers of young children who were in jail actually had their children in jail with them. 

"Can you believe it?  Shame shame shame!  Those poor children, raised in jail!  Thank God we're so advanced here...for the sake of the children!"

Something pricked my heart as the churchified cranksters were busy patting themselves on their own backs for being so intelligent to have been born in our advanced society. 

My heart was pricked during the Beautiful Years... when our RAD appeared to be attached and loving, when things in our family were so very beautiful.  RAD at this point didn't appear to be an issue at all... ALL our kids appeared healthy and happy and well adjusted in our family... STILL my heart was pricked.

When it came to keeping babies with their mothers... 

I thought the third-world-nation got it right. 

I wonder...  Knowing how VITAL the primary biological  parent-child ties are to a child's development... witnessing firsthand the damages of Reactive Attachment Disorder in our adopted children's life... I can't help but wonder...

Does our modern, 

technologically advanced society 

REALLY 

"help" children 

when they remove children 

from their biological family? 

During hardship, 
or famine 
or worse? 

Like I said... I believe our kids belonged home with us!
At that time, and in those circumstances, our family was our children's best chance for a healthy life.

Our family was never the "ultimate best" but we were absolutely the "best remaining" choice for our children. 

I can't help but wonder if we can do better for the kids that are out there...
for the kids who haven't been born yet. 

Today

is hard.

"Forever Family"

Once upon a time my husband and I dreamed of adoption... all my adoption related dreams were all so-very-happy.

My husband and I were thrilled when our adoption dreams came true!  Sure!!! The early years were difficult!!!  There was a diagnosis in 1995 for our brand new daughter... "Reactive Attachment Disorder with Hypervigilance."  (16 years later and I still almost never find others using the specific wording our 6 year old's psychiatrist MD used to label our new daughter's mental illness...) 
The first three years were CHALLENGING to say the very least, but we were young and so-very-optimistic... and things in our family... in our home became so very beautiful!!!

We had a minimum of 10 beautiful years before the most severe living nightmares began... 

These days I go to sleep... 

I have nightmares 

about our once-upon-a-time

"dream children"...

I wake up... 

the real-life nightmares continues. 

I had nightmares again last night... all dream-sequence-absurdities that so very clearly sum up the real-life nightmare we have been living in the years since our RAD's started approaching "legal adulthood." 

I grieve... such tremendous grief!!!

It is so absurd... because...

I am grieving the living!!!!

I buried the ONLY earthly father I have ever had this year.

.

The ONLY  mother I have ever had is now his widow.

 .

Both are my biological parents.

.

My six biological siblings and I were raised by both of them, together.

.

 Had Dad lived a few more months...

Mom and Dad would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this month. 

                                                           

Dad and I have always had a reciprocal loving relationship.

What a wonderful thing it is 

to be confident in love! 

Dad and I 
have always been 
part of 
a    REAL  
"Forever Family."

In Dad's "last years" our bio-daughter frequently commented with admiration how my Dad was loved and respected by MANY ...and looked up to as a "father figure" to so many fatherless individuals.

 ***

Certainly there is pain and grief regarding loss of my beloved "Daddio" here on earth!

                                                           

Yet,

the pain related to my father's death

is not nearly as 

deep
and as  

cutting

as the depth

of  

pain

and  

grief

related to our adult RADs' "RAD-typical" rejection of us.

"They" 

(adoption promoters) 

PROMISED us 

and our "new" kids that

we would be  

"Forever Family."

My definition of "Family" is directly related to my experiences.  

My kids draw their definition of  "Family" from their experiences. 

I believe one of our biggest problems

in our relationship with our adult adoptees is  

we've had different experiences.

I can't imagine going through life without the foundation of my Mom ALWAYS being my Mom... and my Dad ALWAYS being my Dad. 

I never had my parent's friends... "friends of the family" attempt at ANY LEVEL to "save me" from my biological parents... not from the chores they assigned, nor from the loving and healthy rules they had established for me.  No couple ever offered to become my "new mommy and daddy" once I was over 18.  (not before I was 18 either... not ever!)

We prayerfully hope one-day our RADaffected adoptees will be able to have loving reciprocal relationships.

And while we wait... 

my husband, bio-daughter, and I 

remain heartsick!!!!!!!!!!!!

 .

.

.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
      But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."

-Proverbs 13:12

Our Lovingly Attached and Healthy Bio-child

We are so very blessed to have a lovingly attached and healthy bio-child.  We are so very grateful for her!!!!!!!  As a successful young adult, she lives many states away.  We have managed to enjoy each-others company in-real-life far more frequently than I ever imagined possible with the oh-so-many-miles that separate us!!!!

In-between our awesome visits, our bio-daughter calls and texts regularly.  Her calls are not just "hi/bye" methods of checking in... when she calls she wants to TALK to US. 

She LOVES us!!!

We laugh and have a ton of silly jokes that we share amongst ourselves.  Such delicious silliness based on fun times we've shared together!!!!  In most cases they're "you had to be there" kinds of jokes that keep us giggling for a lonnnnng time afterwards!!!!!

Some days she calls for advice, 

some days she wants to vent,

or run her perspective of options before she finalizes big decisions. 

Some days she calls just 'cause she misses us.

She wants to share with us what's happening in her life.  She loves us. 

Oh what a joy it is to be loved!!!!!

Our bio's most  recent calls have been about how the Lord is surrounding her with people who are asking about her faith and are flat out asking if they can go to church with her.  Our daughter has always been strong in her faith... but has never been "preachy" and she's not ever invited those who are asking... they are asking her.  
Our bio-daughter tells me she doesn't understand how or why people from so many very different parts of her life keep asking her about her faith.  

From our bio-daughter's point of view the years since our young-adult-RADs attacked our loving family have been her worst-ever crisis of faith.  

She could not imagine how the Lord would allow such horrible things to be done to our family... not only by our RADs, but by the "christian" community she grew up in.  

She does recognize the attack by "the church" is not God-ordained.
 
Our bio-daughter sees how the Lord is faithful to His Word...  
giving beauty for ashes.

People from so many different parts of her life keep asking very specific questions to find out more about The Light our bio-daughter carries within... (and shines so very beautifully!!!!!)... even in the midst of RAD inflicted adversity... as very real pain pushes our daughter even more deeply into God's loving-embrace, those witnessing her pain-filled-journey-of-faith are likewise being drawn to her Source of comfort.

A trampled rose 

gives off a the sweetest fragrance. 

"The breaking of the alabaster box and the anointing of the Lord filled the house with the odor, with the sweetest odor. Everyone could smell it. Whenever you meet someone who has really suffered; been limited, gone through things for the Lord, willing to be imprisoned by the Lord, just being satisfied with Him and nothing else, immediately you scent the fragrance. There is a savor of the Lord. Something has been crushed, something has been broken, and there is a resulting odor of sweetness. --Watchman Nee"

Raising RAD With Nothing More Than a Diagnosis

You may already know our "officially diagnosed" RAD was diagnosed RAD before anything was published for parents about the disorder.  She had improved tremendously by the time books began being published... then completely melted down attacking us at age 21... leaving us reeling... wondering what in tarnation was going on.

I have considered many times how very grateful I am (in-part) to have been TOTALLY clueless about the "milder" RAD symptoms that continued to provide subtle evidence that our child was not 100% well...

I'm grateful my ignorance about all that RAD is allowed us to believe that healing was possible, and to have believed healing had indeed happened.

I'm grateful my ignorance allowed me to envision a bright and beautiful future for my adopted children the entire time we were raising them. 

Because of the tremendous progress and healing we witnessed firsthand during the "Ten Beautiful Years" I am able to extend hope for our beloved children's future.   

I continue to hope "one day" they will move past the trauma stepping into "adult life" had reawakened in their hearts and their minds and heal enough to join us once more in a reciprocally loving relationship.

Very Old RADsymptoms Remembered Courtesy of an Old Friend

Ugh... It's been a while...  but I spoke yesterday to the woman who is an adoptive mom to her bio-grandson.  She and her hubby WERE so very supportive OH-so-many-years-ago as we entered the adoption process. 

 Her adopted, and our adopteds have been simultaneously going "through it" as young adults. 

She is jealous that our RADs are in respectable careers... and openly wonders how bad could our kids' condition REALLY be?

I have no clue what diagnosis, if any, her son has.  With her son, this friend has ALWAYS insisted every issue has ALWAYS been everyone else's fault.  Her little angel boy couldn't have possibly been the one who blah blah blah... She regularly camps out in denial. 

She rejoiced, literally did the happy dance, when I first shared our heartache related to our RADadultKids meltdown and attack against us 2 years ago she replied.... "finally!!! Your family has always been so damned perfect!!! It's about time!!!!!!" 

Which to be honest

kinda pissed me off, 

but I get it.  

People who are struggling

with their own children

often find people

w/rainbows and unicorns

coming out of the ass 

annoying.

  I really do get it. 

Yesterday that woman was reminiscing about when our kids were first placed, and reminded me how my adorable 2 1/2 year old son had just been introduced for the VERY first time, HAD NEVER-EVER MET HER EVER BEFORE... AND jumped RIGHT into her arms and asked for a hug and in that moment, our new little son, captured her heart... "forever."  

Did I remember?

Yikes!

Yeah, I kinda sorta did remember her telling everyone that story about our adorable new son... but that was WAYYYY before I realized a child jumping into the arms of a complete stranger IS a key RAD trait!

At the time it didn't strike me as incredibly odd... after all... We were eager to introduce our new kids to our friends and eager for friends and family to welcome our beautiful new children with open arms!!!!!
 
AND... after all she wasn't ANY OLD STRANGER IN THE PARK (like our officially dx'd RAD would run up, to snuggle with, and gleefully skip off with.) 

Yeah...  within the last two years ESPECIALLY... I know our son is RAD... I've suspected "disinhibited" ever since the kid's "conjoined meltdown" ...but apparently there were many signs I didn't even know to recognize back in the day. 


Another point of annoyance in our brief conversation... she was telling me she bumped into her "favorite officer" (our RADdaughter) at the local dance joint.  She was telling me our daughter is doing "SO VERY WELL!!!"  and "You know she CAN'T BE STUPID if she passed police training!!!"

I kept my cool and explained "there is a big difference between stupid and mental illness.  Our daughter has been exhibiting many signs that the mental illness she was diagnosed with when she was first placed with us all those years ago"   

For me, that call was enough "catching up" with that friend for a while... a long long while!

The Puppets, the Puppeteers, and the Grand Master Puppeteer

I believe...
          there will come a day...
                                   where the ones
                                                  who think
                                                                THEY are pulling all the strings...

                                                          ...will realize and recognize...                                   

EXACTLY...                    

whose puppet they are. 

I'm eager for our RADs
to choose to surround themselves
with people who love them
enough 
to tell them truths...
                                  ...truths that may be hard to hear...
                                                                            ...truths that are critical to our RADs' ability to walk in mental health.

Surely one day, it will dawn....
                                     .... crowds that surround...
                                                                                   ...and applaud...

...REALLY love the entertainment

...tremendous personal pains provides.

Yes!!!  The audience MAY be enamored...  

...for a season...

******************************************************************************
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;

but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Proverbs 27:6  King James Version (KJV)

Hello Night, Have You Met Day?

We are so totally enjoying having our loving attached and capable-of-reciprocal love adult-child visiting. 

All three of us are deeply hurt by RADs' attack against our family. 

So far during her visit, our nonRAD has agreed to ONLY VERY SHORT visits (in VERY public places) with the "officially diagnosed" RAD.

We have explained our nonRAD doesn't need to keep visits short to prove loyalty to us or anything... we've encouraged her repeatedly to visit as often and as long as she'd like.

DH and I are glad RADdaughter realizes she IS part of our family... and trying to reconnect at whatever level her current mental health status allows.

Our nonRAD insists she cannot bear anything longer than very short visits because RAD keeps running all conversation in the same circles.  (playing the victim, trying to triangulate our nonRAD against us.)

NonRAD has been talking from time to time about the "signs" she observed that our RADs were melting down "before" their major conjoined-meltdown. 

Turns out there was so very much more duplicity going on inside our RADs in the two years before RAD melted down than  more than we ever imagined.

Wow. 

Necessary But Not Enough.

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH

HOPE IS NOT ENOUGH


I believe the first book published for parents parenting RAD kids was  When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD by Nancy Thomas .   Published 2 years after our RAD was officially diagnosed, it was not a resource available to me.  Our officially diagnosed RAD's  behavior began to improve tremendously during her third year in our home (2nd year post-diagnosis.)  I found Nancy Thomas's book in 2009; AFTER our young adult RADkids RADtypically melted down.  I found  Love Is Not Enough during the age-appropriate season for young adults to embark on their adult lives... a season where healthy steps toward healthy detachment stirred up memories of abuse/neglect/abandonment in our young-adult-adopted-children. Abuse/neglect/abandonment that began their life long before entering our loving family.  I instantly remembered the diagnosis "Reactive Attachment Disorder with Hypervigilance" when family member reminded me our children were DEEPLY TROUBLED when they were removed from the foster system and placed in our loving home. 

"Experts" say that RAD can grow into BPD Borderline Personality Disorder.  The little I've read on the subject it appears there IS much behavior BPD's display that parallels RAD.

Investigating the topic more, I began looking for books on the subject. I found When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Bon Dobbs

Love is not enough!                                  

                                 Hope is not enough!

YET...

Both are necessary... 

       FOR ME...

...to carry on!      

Neither have to be reciprocal. 
Although It would be oh-so-nice if they were!

Color me eternally hopeful!

RAD... Conscience IS Possible... Glimmers of Hope!

Our RADdaughter was SURROUNDED by her RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers as she made her false allegations of abuse against us. 

She was surrounded by her RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers as they proclaimed
"IF... what you're saying is true... you must..." 
...report abuse to the police...
...take legal action...
...file an additional order of protection...
...go to the women's shelter and claim YOUR money for the "damages" you encountered as a "victim of domestic violence."

Does that kind of "rescuing" pressure to prove lies are true create an environment that will encourage a mentally ill young adult to "come clean" about their MULTIPLE INTENSE LIES and tell the truth?

No, it does not!

I ACTUALLY SAW our 21 year old RADdaughter  flanked on both sides by her RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers (aka "new mommy and daddy") the day RADdaughter should have been at work...

...the day her insane RADtypically-triangulated-rescuers dragged her instead to file an order of protection against us.    

 I saw them were enjoying breakfast together on the other side of town.

Found it odd... 'cause it was RADdaughter's workday..

a few days later 

the sheriff knocked on our door

presenting the complaint 

which just happened to be dated 

the exact day I saw
RADgirl dining with her rescue rangers.

It turns out...
Our RADdaughter DOES HAVE A CONSCIENCE!!!
Our RADdaughter could not in good conscience keep the money she had claimed from the woman's shelter as a "victim of domestic violence."

I'm CERTAIN
our RADdaughter  
was NOT flanked on ANY side
by a RADtypically-triangulated-rescuer
three months later,
on the day 
she returned the money
she could have EASILY kept...
when she falsely laid claim to it 
by pretending to be SO HORRIBLY ABUSED. 
The fact that our RADdaughter had the ability to admit truth through her action of returning money she could have very easily kept gives me hope!

Hope that ONE DAY

She will be STRONG ENOUGH

To walk alone

or

Surround herself with people

who LOVE her enough 

to encourage her to 

DO THE RIGHT THING, 

confess her lies...

make restitution...

ask for forgiveness...

and 

WALK IN MENTAL HEALTH.

Meanwhile I pray that every time our rookie-officer RAD sees the "silver bracelets" she tried her darnedest to present to her loving parents two years ago this August...
she will know the depths of her parent's love!!!

...in the same way I pray we'd all know the depth of our Savior's love, and the PRICE He lovingly paid for loving us...
every time we see the cross!

RAD nightmares

Many times dreams help us process recent events.  Many times they appear they are nothing more than fluff.

Sometimes dreams are SIGNIFICANT. 

I had a significant dream two weeks ago.  It was a nightmare actually.  Key characters were the entire family portraying "new family" to our RADson.  

The dream involved the entire family messing around in OUR BACK YARD.  

Their dog had bitten, and latched onto our son.  Our son had that family's dog horizontally latched onto his upper thigh yet our son kept INSISTING he was fine, insisting it was "no big deal."

In the dream I was yelling;

"YOU'RE TRESPASSING!  

                 GET OUT OF OUR YARD!  

                        YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!                            

                                 I'M CALLING THE POLICE!  

                                               GET OUT!"  

I awakened... teeth clenched... fight or flight mode...ringing in my mind fresh from my nightmare was:

"YOU'RE TRESPASSING!!!!!"

The first conscious thought I had after realizing it was just a dream was; 

"Forgive us our trespasses, 

as we forgive those who trespass against us!"

Throughout our ordeal, one consistent link to peace is being obedient to God's call to forgive... (it is often the VERY LAST THING I WANT TO DO!!!!)  

I am blessed beyond words as we pray for those who persecute us... to make the decision to forgive even when feelings of unforgiveness rear their ugly head.  Peace begins to flow... 

I studied la-maze when pregnant 25 years ago.

So many years later I find it helpful for so much more than child birth... 

YET, all the zen breathing in the world,

does not restore peace to me

anywhere near the way

the CONSCIOUS

DECISION

TO EXTEND FORGIVENESS

does.

It turns out my RADnightmare was a tad prophetic... 

Yes that family HAS BEEN trespassing, for almost 2 years now!  But additionally, I found out a few days after my bad dream the RADtypicallyTriangulated Rescuers are branching out with new boldness proclaiming our ADULT son as their own in a more public forum.  

They are SO VERY PROUD of the rebellion they have been growing.  

They delight in "playing Savior."

I'm praying "Father, convict them (not condemn them!) so they will stop their harmful behavior... and most importantly... forgive them for they obviously know not what they do!"

Life After RAD Moves out

RAD Has Left the Building.

We are here.   My beloved and I.  We were in love long before RAD entered our lives.  We are in love still.  We are an awesome team.  

Kids are supposed to grow up and move out. It can be hard for parents of "neurotypical" kids when they're left with an empty nest.

I was "warned" at a homeschool convention years ago... not to loose sight of me.  Not to become sooooo wrapped up  in "being mommy" that when the kids leave (like they're SUPPOSED to) that I'd need to find me again.

I was encouraged to keep up working on  hobbies and interests, keep on working on my relationship with the one I pledged to love long after the kids would grow and move out. 

Now I have plenty of time... and yet I feel like each day rushes to its end.

I find the computer, facebook specifically had been swallowing me whole... I'm purposefully backing away... it's nothing personal. 

I want to jump back in non-cyber-life. 

I'm gonna make a list of things I'd LOVE to do if I had time"

... 'cause I DO HAVE time... 

and I'm tired of donating it to the FB.

What's on your "list" of awesomeness?  Try and make a little time for it this week.  Make a date with yourself.  Make a date with your beloved.

Don't neglect to feed the parts of you that were created to THRIVE long after the wee ones are grown!!!!!!!

Hubby's Encounter & Elevator Speech

Today was the day our church honors the men of the congregation (not only dads) by preparing a big breakfast for them.

I had an opportunity to get my licensing ceu's locally, and couldn't attend. 

Dear Hubby went alone.  He's a people person.  Enjoys people, enjoys food... great combo.

The lady serving ricotta blueberry pancakes said "Happy Father's Day!... Oh, do you have children? If you do...  Happy Father's Day!"

This lady is uber-sweet.  Very friendly.  Very personable.  (and she makes delicious pancakes!!!)

My hubby explained he's dad to three... all adults... the oldest graduated college out of state, now working and doing exceptionally well... and two estranged adopted kids.

This lady said, "let me guess... REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER, right?"

It turns out one of her daughters is parenting a RAD adopted child. 

My husband said it was the FIRST TIME since our kids melted down and attacked him where the subject of our kids came up in casual conversation and he face-to-face encountered a "church person" who REALLY got it... She shone love and GENUINE understanding... AND didn't leave him feeling like a judged schmuck.

My sweet hubby said he felt afterwards SO GOOD to be REALLY understood!!!


Hearing of my hubby's encounter had me burst out in tears...
happy tears.

Let's keep educating... anyone who will listen!!!!

                            People really don't need to be on the inside track to understand this.  

I'm convinced I need to develop my RAD "elevator speech" trying to hone a concise explanation of RAD without going on ad-nauseum.

Almost everyone knows an adoptive family in crisis!!!!

I haven't perfected my "elevator speech" but I'm getting there... you may have noticed already... I tend to be "wordy."

A Heart for the Adopted

When we were blessed with our first child (by the miracle of birth) we prepared her to welcome the children that would "someday" join our family by the miracle of adoption.

(Hubby and I had "the call" to adopt long before we met each-other!)

Our oldest has been a joyful part of our adoption experience... every step of the way!!!

She GIVES herself wholly to love her siblings.

She had, with us, waited and prayed for them many years before they arrived.

She was equipped, ready and WILLING to share EVERYTHING... even us! 

She never faltered not for a minute. 

Fast-forward to adulthood.

Our oldest has been seriously dating someone... she cares deeply for him. 

He is adopted.  

He "has issues."

Our daughter is being so patient, so encouraging, so healing towards him.
I remain THOROUGHLY impressed.  
I have wrestled with the concept that our "selfless love" and
"patient endurance" may have taught her that love accepts abuse.
I would hate for that to be the case!!!!

BUT...

...Oh! 

How I would love

for people 

to surround

our adopteds

promoting their 

wholeness, 

healing,

well-being!!!!

As our family STILL remains reeling from our RADs "RADtypical" attack against us...

Here is our beautiful healthy-lovingly-attached daughter... 

...extending her heart to "one of their kind.  " 

Our oldest has explained to me that she has been praying for her spouse from the time she was a small girl.  She has always thought it be important that whomever it would be SHOULD "understand adoption" because she has always wanted whomever she would commit her heart to to be able to "understand" her siblings.  (She does not say this young man is "the one" but she does think he may be a contender...)

Our oldest and her beau are currently "on a break" right now... because she explains he is overwhelmed... it is not that they don't care for each other.  From what she describes part of what is troubling him sounds like he wants to step up... to do better... be better... live better...  for her... AND he is seriously doing "the work" to get well.  He feels the need to have time away to "work on himself." 

That impresses me. 

She tells me her desire for someone who understands adoption  has been a desire many years before our Adult RADs had their conjoined meltdown.   She met him just a few short months before our RADs melted down.  

At first I was quietly screaming at God to protect her.

I don't want a life of heartache for our oldest!!!!!!

She has already sacrificed so much for her siblings... endured so much because of their illness. 

But I've been praying God's best for all my kids. 

I would love to believe that ALL of my kids would be "God's best" for a special someone. 

I would hate to have my adopted two... the RADs... rejected because of their Reactive Attachment Disorder.

I want someone committed to love them... the way their big sister always has.

Our RADs have good qualities too.

At least I remember delightful times with our delightful children... We've had AT LEAST Ten Beautiful Years of joyous memories with our adopted children!!!!

We haven't seen our adopteds in almost 2 years.

Our most recent memories of life with those children ARE the most painful ones!

I miss our sweet beautiful kids... I haven't seen them in years.  

Meanwhile... I'm still praying for God's absolute best!

RAD Desiring Family Presence? or Family Presents?!!!!

Our older still-estranged-RAD unblocked me again on Facebook. 

That doesn't mean she's my FB "friend"  it just means I can see what she posts on mutual FB friend's sites.  While "blocked" she was invisible.

Well... her activity is interesting...

She's and "friending" and playing innocent-kissy-face with our relatives she historically has NO interest in...

It makes little sense to me because she is only related to these people through us, the parents she denies (and hasn't seen since she filed false allegations of abuse charges almost 2 years ago.)

I suspect she may be trying to rustle up some family presents (not family presence) for her half-bio-RAD-brother's second wedding... the formal one.

Well... 
she may actually 
want extended family there... 

it would look bad 

in photos 

if she were 

his only relative.

Maybe she's not bright enough to do such a thing...

                                       maybe she's just messing with my head.

I hate that I don't think

her motivations are

inspired by rainbows

hearts, unicorns 

and "warm fuzzies."

Roots

I come from a long line of family...

My family has always been my family.  No one has ever threatened to take my family from me.  Ever.

(until RAD grew up.)

When my husband and I adopted, I based my future expectations about our adoptive family on my past history of what family is, what family has always been to-me- from-my-perspective.   

It makes total and complete sense, right?

Biologically, my extended family "roots" extend into other countries. 

I am first generation American on Mom's side,

                                           second generation American on Dad's side. 

I have "extended family" across borders, some I've met numerous times, some that I've never met.  I am always thrilled to get to hear about "family relations" through "closer" relatives who meet-in-real-life or correspond for whatever reasons. 

Our bio daughter has had the recent opportunity to meet relatives from "across the pond."  She was stating how fascinating it is that "there is something to the biological factor."  She commented how many extended family members she's met as adults are so similar in so many more ways than appearance!!!!!

I have family.  I come from family.  Biologically I remain connected.

Very well connected. 

Distance/time/space does not... never has... never will sever my biological roots.

My biological family roots run deep, and they remain intact. 

When we adopted, I expected  my new adoptive "family experience" to follow the "family experience" of my roots.

Well... I wasn't blind to the fact there'd be "some issues" 

...but I really expected love and acceptance to heal all wounds.

Our adopted daughter is estimated (by adoption social worker) to have had approximately 17 foster families between age 2ish to 6ish when we joyously added her bio-half-brother  to our "Forever Family." 
My reality 
of what family is, 
                    what roots are,

is TOTALLY different

than my adopted daughter's 

perspective.  

That makes sense! 

And it makes sense 

that my adopted children 

ALSO carried into our "forever family" 

a set of expectations 

(based on THEIR experiences)

 quite different from my own. 

It makes sense that my definition of "forever" could be so-very-different than theirs.   

I don't know

how many

of her families

before us

  "promised "  

forever. 

I really knew our new family members had roots too.   I realized they had been chopped up, pulverized, discarded as trash roots.   I KNEW it ... and I tried to deal with it...as best I can... but really, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

I guess in the end I still kind of "expect" them to "adopt" MY perception of "FOREVER" and "FAMILY."  I expect them to acknowledge their roots are pulverized discarded, but I STILL expect them to ADOPT MY ROOTS.

...after all...

Their roots were discarded; 

                                   not by me nor "us" nor "them."  

Their roots were discarded systematically by "the system." 

ANYWAY...


I had my "realistic experience-based expectations"

 and my kids have their "realistic experience-based expectations."

  I am,                          

and                      

               am not        

                                                  talking genetics.  

Our adopted kids ARE our family... in many ways... but the dna of their core is different. That matters.

Graft a pear branch into an apple tree and that branch may live and eventually become productive, but that branch will never produce APPLES. 

I in NO WAY intend to infer superiority or inferiority.  It's just different.  That's all.  It needs to be recognized.

Our kids were grafted into our family.
With the help of their RADtringulated "rescuers" the graft has been torn out, and our tree is bleeding.  

("sappy" reference i know... ar ar ar...  lol) 

There is certain vulnerability in letting our family tree's gaping wound stand open, hoping with hopes our kids will "some day" return.  Truth is we're gonna hurt no-matter-what even if we do eventually bind up the wound and try to move on.

Truth is, our adopted kids are hurting too.  
They've been hurting the whole time.  
Despite the fact with us they grew and bore much fruit. 


Their illness did not lash out at us intending to hurt us, their illness is just trying to protect them from the pain they have always had.

From our deeply rooted family perspective,

adoption for us has been mostly a happy 

and exciting journey... 

for them it has been 

a journey of multiple injuries 

and much loss. 

The fact remains their "roots" were tossed aside as trash.  That has understandably caused them (and consequently us) tremendous pain. 

Both our adult RADs have been trying to soothe their wounds by "as adults" grafting themselves into other families. Forsaking us and calling their peer's parents their "new" mommies and daddies.

Yeah, I see quite clearly how that's not gonna work.
Not long term anyway. 
But
I really can't blame them
for trying everything they can
to make their intense pain stop. 
I would love it
if their remedy of choice
didn't involve attacking us..
 
The reality is our adult adopted kids are hurting... not because of us, just because. 

  

I can't blame them for trying to feel better.  

I hope one day... 
when they think back to OUR family tree...
they will remember how they were welcomed, 
how they were nourished and nurtured, 
how they are loved, 
how they grew strong and healthy in our midst.  

I pray one day 

they will be strong enough

to surround themselves 

with people who will LOVE them 

ENOUGH to affirm our love to them. 

RAD, Four Letter Words, & Cussing

This topic came up in a cyber-RAD-support group. 

My response is long... so I'm making it a blog. 

When I first met our son outside of the "Sea-World Adoption Day" event, I didn't even think he could talk.

He was two-and-a-half, but looked much younger...
He was wayyy off the charts for height and weight (small)
and he was a diaper butt.  As a matter of fact all he had on was a diaper.

He didn't say a word.

He sure was a cutie though!

When he and his two half sisters came for their first-ever-pre-adoption-placement visit to our home... I was shocked... the kid could speak... not only a word or three... But he spoke in complete sentences with correct grammar!!!  He totally took me by surprise. 

Shortly after our family of three became a family of six I  did get to see his temper.

But I was prepared!
I had studied early child development in college.

I had worked with tiny tots seemingly forever... and... 

worked "behavior modification" with multiply disabled kids... 

*ALL my professional education/and experience trained me to KNOW to ignore most negative behavior issues with little ones and it won't take long before there are no more issues. 

*(The ignore-to-extinguish-behaviors technique 

btw NEVER worked for  our son's   "officially diagnosed RAD  " sister.  

She would escalate and exacerbate to meltdowns

I NEVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE 

until behaviors were directly addressed and dealt with... 

EVERY SINGLE TIME. 
That was one of the key puzzling issues 

that indicated to her counselor our new daughter had much bigger issues.  

It did not take long before 

she was referred to psychiatrist MD and  diagnosed RAD.  

We were encouraged to by our daughter's Psych-team to 

  "nip EVERYTHING in the bud  "  to help prevent future meltdowns. )

One day our new little diaper-butt son wanted something... I don't remember what, but  

the answer was "no." 

He threw a MAJOR drop-to-the-floor-kicking-screaming-punching/blocking-the-doorway tantrum.

I calmly quietly carried my laundry basket over his little loud convulsing body and went into the next room to sit and fold clothes.

He was SHOCKED!

He got quiet IMMEDIATELY!

He quietly picked his little self up and DRAMATICALLY dropped to the floor in front of my laundry basket to "continue" his tantrum! 
 


It took all the strength within me not to crack up laughing. 

I never saw that kind of tantrum from him again.... ever. 

Our son has grown into our never offically diagnosed
"inhibited RAD  "
With passive/aggressive- passive/defiant behaviors.
He was challenging to parent/easy to love

during the first three years, 

but not nearly as challenging as our 

" offically diagnosed disinhibited RAD " Daughter!!!
During our  "Ten Beautiful Years "  Our son was truly delightful 

He became his worst when

his officially Dx'd RAD sister returned from college 

and began triangulating him (and the world) against us. 

I wonder in-hindsight if the technique of ignoring negative behaviors to extinction
actually contributed in some way to his "inhibited RAD  " behaviors. 

Well, in the short time the kids had been with us, I saw in our son an AWESOME eagerness to "help out."  He loved to be assigned things.  (I'd call "OOOOOhhhhhhh Recycling Boy!!!!!" like I was calling for a super-hero whenever a newspaper, can or bottle needed to go into the recycle-bin... he absolutely LOVED to help!)

Well one day our new son was wandering aimlessly and pushing around a chair to entertain himself. 
(He loved to climb was all over everything all the time.)  I asked him to turn on the light so I could read.  Again... he was THRILLED.  (I didn't really NEED a light on... I just liked to ask him to do little things because it ALWAYS made him so happy that I might need his help!) 


I had forgotten I even asked him to turn on a light.  

As I was reading (in dim light) I heard my new son's ADORABLE little high pitched voice "let loose" with EVERY curse word I had EVER heard...EVER!  

...and USED IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT!!!! 

His oldest half-bio-sister (13) was quite proud of the fact she had worked HARD to teach him well during the ONLY three months they EVER lived together (as a special needs sibling group ready for adoption) before being placed in our home to finalize. 

Well I knew ignoring negative behaviors worked WELL with him!!!
So I kept my nose in the newspaper...  

AND the OBSCENITIES continued to fly out of his mouth!!!

                             ...and continued

...and continued                       

...and continued...  They were not slowing down!!!

 

I looked up... my new little son had dragged a chair to the BACK of our greatroom... where there was a 6 switch wall plate operating our outdoor floodlights, patio lighting etc...
My son would flip one, look back to where I was sitting, curse, flip another, look back curse, ...and so on and so on and so on... Each time his little mouth opened it was a new set/formation of curse words.  Each time they were used "in the right context!"

I said "OH, HONEY!!!!  THE LIGHT SWITCH YOU NEED TO TURN ON IS RIGHT THERE!"  I pointed across from me.

He happily pushed his chair to the other half of the great room and switched the light.  I gave him big hugs kisses and cuddled and thanked him for his awesome help.  I told him I was sorry I didn't tell him WHICH switch needed to be turned on.  All was right in the world... 

AND I NEVER HEARD 

ANOTHER CURSE WORD

OUT OF HIS MOUTH.  

EVER.  

However...
       ...about a year later, after we finalized adoption on two of the three originally placed. (Oldest ended up adopted, YES ADOPTED by her/not  "their  " bioDAD) We were FINALLY allowed to take our new kids out-of-state to meet their new extended family. 

We hit NY and I think the president was in town, some big dignitary was anyway... and it messed with traffic.  BIG TIME.   We ended up not moving more than three inches a mile for the next hour while roads were totally cleared for the procession of black cars with American flags at the front.  

The lady in the next car kept giving us a major dose of "stink-eye!"  

I asked my husband if he was aware of any driver faux-pas he might have made while we'd inch up and drop back each in our own lane... "Certainly you couldn't have cut her off!  We haven't REALLY moved!!!" 

We couldn't figure out for the life of us what that lady's problem was.  

I looked to the kids in the back seats. 

 The answer was clear.  

There was my precious little angel-faced -then- 3 1/2 year old son... flipping the lady off and giggling quietly to himself complete with happy feet at her reaction every-single-time.  My husband and I began laughing so hard (but trying to keep it so the kids didn't see our reaction) we were near tears!!!  

I reached around put his hand down, sternly told him "no!" I asked his older sisters to distract him... before we knew it we were moving again... 

And

I NEVER saw him

flip the bird

again.

  Ever!

I 

for the most part 

choose not to curse.   

(I must confess, every once-in-a-RARE-while,

I may indulge, "for effect." 

But it NEVER sits right with ME.  

It doesn't feel good to ME

And I have never been impressed 

by the fancy four lettered words 

coming out of MY mouth.)

Now... I'd like to point out that;
  I am not offended by curse words.   

I have MANY friends who are quite comfortable letting every word imaginable fly in by presence, in CREATIVE combinations I'd never imagine... I LOVE these people dearly AND I am not uncomfortable in their presence... I appreciate that they feel comfortable around me to "be themselves" and do not feel they  have to "edit" themselves in my presence!!!  

I am ALWAYS honored by the fact they trust me enough to be real. 

I have in my lifetime been FAR MORE offended by numerous "Why BLESS YOUR HEART!"-s  that I've gotten from church-y-people in church-y-circles where the "Bless your heart" people consider themselves "too holy" to allow "such words" to pass their lips, THAN I'VE EVER BEEN by "friendly" or heartfelt and un-edited "FU!" -s in "real" conversations with real (as opposed to plastic) people.  

I figure... what matters is the heart.  

Where is my heart while I am talking?!

Sometimes I'm even convicted 

by saying something seemingly harmless like 

"Oh fiddle sticks!" 

Because for ME what is important is where my heart is at!

For people offended by "cuss words" 

I'd like to challenge you to consider where your heart is at is, and what is your listener discerning in your message as you speak with-or-without cuss words?